Missed It By That Much! gs-5

by William Johnston

  Operator: You wouldn’t catch Arnold running from an ant.

  Max: Ants twelve feet tall? Ants with tranks and tusks?

  Chief: Max, you’re describing elephants.

  Operator: What did I tell you, Chief! Max just can’t cut the mustard any more. He doesn’t know an ant from an elephant. You wouldn’t catch Arnold making a mistake like that. Give him that question on the examination, Chief. Ask him the difference between an ant and an elephant. He gets that question every time.

  Chief: Operator, your brother-in-law, Arnold, hasn’t even showed up yet.

  Max: Chief. . Operator. . do you mind? I’m being chased by a herd of elephants. Can’t we discuss this later?

  Operator: Why do you hate Arnold, Max?

  Max: I don’t hate Arnold, Operator. I just happen to have something more important to do right now.

  Operator: If you don’t hate him, why do you get nudgy every time I mention his name?

  Max: Believe me, Operator, I do not hate Arnold.

  Operator: Then will you do him a little favor?

  Max: Yes, yes, what is it?

  Operator: Let the elephants trample you, Max.

  Max hung up. Hopping on one foot again, he put his shoe back on.

  “Max. .” 99 panted. “I can’t go on. . I’m too weak. .”

  “99, just keep going for another few minutes. Look-there at the edge of the jungle! A native! He’s motioning to us. If we can just reach that native we’ll be safe!”

  “Max. . I. .”

  99 stumbled and fell to the ground.

  Quickly, Max helped her to her feet. They raced on. But the elephants were only a few yards behind them now, and gaining.

  “Max. . do something. .”

  “I don’t have a weapon, 99. What can I do?”

  “I don’t know. . but. . oh, Max, I can’t run another step!”

  “Hold on, 99! I’ll try this capsule of plastic spray.”

  “Max. . I’m falling!”

  Max scooped 99 up into his arms, and, carrying her, ran on.

  The elephants were only a few feet behind them, trumpeting triumphantly.

  “Max! The spray!”

  “I can’t, 99! I have my hands full!”

  “Then give me the capsule!”

  “I can’t, 99. It’s in my hand, and my hand is full of you. If I open my hand to give you the capsule, I’ll drop you. And, anyway, 99, it’s too late.”

  “What do you mean, Max?”

  “My legs won’t run any more, 99. I’m fallllllling!”

  Max and 99 hit the ground together. They landed on top of the capsule. The capsule shot a spray of plastic behind them. The plastic spread out over the ground, and instantly hardened, stopping the elephants in their tracks, fixing them solid. Then, abruptly, the elephants vanished.

  “Max! It was an illusion!” 99 groaned. “There weren’t any elephants!”

  “And a good thing, too,” Max said, rising. “We’d have had a devil of a time prying those elephants loose from that plastic.”

  “Why would we want to do a thing like that, Max?”

  “99, we couldn’t have left them there like that. That would be a terrible thing to do. They’d never forgive us. Elephants have long memories, you know.”

  Hassan tugged at Max’s sleeve. “That native,” he said, pointing. “He is approaching. Perhaps we had better start running again.”

  Max peered at the native, who was dressed in a costume of brightly-colored feathers.

  “He looks friendly enough to me,” Max said.

  “We better not take a chance,” Hassan said. “This is cannibal territory.”

  “Nonsense,” Max said. “He’s smiling.”

  “Smiling? I think he is licking his lips,” Hassan murmured.

  The native reached them, and stood grinning at them.

  Max raised a hand as a sign of friendship. “Me bwana Max Smart, Agent 86,” he said. He indicated 99 and Hassan. “And this is bwana Agent 99 and bwana Hassan Pfeiffer. We travel many suns through jungle. We no catchum food, no catchum water. You show us place catchum food, catchum water, we pay you plenty big wampum-chain-driven saxophone, only one of kind.”

  “Crazy, dad,” the native replied, grinning even more broadly. “You’re just in time for the cooky break. Come on back to the castle with me, man-you and your chick and your sideman-and we’ll put on the feedbag.”

  Max turned to 99 and Hassan. “It’s just no use,” he said. “We can’t communicate.”

  “No, Max, I think I understood him,” 99 said. “He says it’s time for lunch. And he’s inviting us to his home, or his village, or someplace, to eat with him.”

  “Amazing!” Max said. “I didn’t know you spoke Native, 99.”

  “I don’t, Max. He’s speaking a kind of English.”

  “Yeh, dad,” the native said to Max. “I matriculated in the States.”

  “There he goes again,” Max said. “Pure gibberish.”

  “He means he went to school in the United States, Max,” 99 translated.

  “Oh, really?” Max said, facing the native again. “I don’t recognize the jargon. Where in the States did you go to school?”

  “Boston, dad. Funny you don’t catchum the accent.”

  “Please,” 99 said to the native, “could you take us to your whatever-it-is, now? I’m starved.”

  “Fall in, chick,” the native replied. “We’ll double-time it.”

  “Now that you mention it, there is an accent there,” Max said.

  The native led the way, and, trotting, the four of them followed a trail that took them quickly through the jungle. A few minutes later they came to a native village, a clearing that was surrounded by a circle of grass huts. The native escorted them into the center of the clearing. Immediately, other natives poured from the huts and gathered around them, cheering happily and shouting greetings.

  “I guess they’ve never seen a secret agent before,” Max said.

  “No, that’s not it,” their friend told them. “That cheering is for me, not you.”

  “Is that a fact?” Max said. “What have you done?”

  “I’ve returned successfully,” their friend replied.

  “Oh. Out on a mission, were you?”

  “Yes. I was out shopping for lunch.”

  “Really? Well, what did you bring back?”

  “You,” their friend grinned. “You’re lunch.”

  “Max! They’re cannibals!” 99 shrieked.

  Max smiled smugly. “Nothing to worry about, 99.”

  “But, Max! Didn’t you hear what he said? They’re going to have us for lunch!”

  “99, this is simply another illusion. There are no natives here. There is no village. None of this exists. Whitestone is trying to play another trick on us. He thinks we’ll panic and bolt and hightail it back to Pahzayk. Just keep your wits about you, 99. This will all be over in a moment.”

  “I hope you’re right, Max.”

  “99, have I ever been-”

  At that moment, their friend signalled to a foursome of native men and they jumped Max and 99 and Hassan and dragged them off toward a hut.

  “Max! Is it still an illusion?” 99 cried.

  “99, everybody makes mistakes,” Max replied. “Nobody’s perfect, you know.”

  The natives wrestled them into the hut, shoved them to the floor, then bound them hand and foot. After the natives had gone, their friend entered the hut.

  “You’re making a big mistake!” Max told him. “This young lady and I are American citizens. Wait’ll the American Ambassador hears about this!”

  “Oh, I’m sure we’ll get a message from him, dad,” their friend smiled. “He always sends us a thank-you note.”

  “A thank-you note?” Max said incredulously.

  “Yeh, man. Why not? We always send him a drumstick.”

  Max sighed. “Well, if we have to go,” he said to 99 and Hassan, “I guess this is the way to do it. At least, we’l
l know we died for a good cause.”

  “What cause, Max, for heaven’s sake?” 99 said.

  “To feed the hungry.”

  Just then, another native entered the hut. He, too, was dressed in colorful feathers. But he was also wearing a high, white chef’s hat.

  “This is Pierre,” their friend said to Max, 99 and Hassan. “He’s in charge of the pot.”

  “Hi, victims,” Pierre grinned. “What’s cookin’?”

  “I suppose you matriculated in Boston, too,” Max said.

  “In Paris, dad,” Pierre replied. “Funny you didn’t catchum the accent.” He bent down and pinched Max on the arm. “Tender,” he enthused. “A little gristle around the muscle-but it’ll boil down.” Next, he pinched 99’s arm. “Ooooo-la-la!” he said, “five minutes over the fire, and this one’ll just melt in your mouth.”

  “Why, thank you,” 99 blushed.

  “99, don’t let them brainwash you,” Max warned. “Think tough.”

  Pierre pinched Hassan, and made a disagreeable face. “This one goes out with the garbage,” he said. “One bite out of him and a man wouldn’t have a tooth left in his head.”

  Their friend untied Hassan and shoved him rudely out the door.

  “You just made your first mistake,” Max said. “It so happens that that fellow you just let go is a four-star general in the New Ghirzy Army. And in about five minutes he will be back here with a troop of New Ghirzy Marines. So, if you know what’s good for yourselves, you’ll untie us, too, then light out for the hills.”

  Their friend laughed. “A general? That little dishrag? He wouldn’t have brains enough to come in out of a bombardment.”

  Max eyed him narrowly. “Would you believe, then, that he’s a captain in the Pahzayk police force, and that in five minutes he’ll be back here with a squad of foot patrolmen?”

  Their friend shook his head. “Believability-wise, dad, it’s nowhere,” he said.

  “Then would you believe that he’s the doorman at the Pahzayk Hilton and that in five minutes he’ll be back with a gaggle of chambermaids?”

  “I can only say I hope so,” their friend replied. “As it stands, man, we got nothing for dessert. Chambermaid a la mode would hit the spot.”

  “It’s no use, Max,” 99 wept. “Our goose is cooked.”

  “That may be so, 99,” Max replied. “But I think there must be some better way of putting it.”

  “Talk, talk, talk,” Pierre complained. “I just wish that once I’d get a roast that would keep it’s mouth shut.” He turned to Max’s and 99’s Mend. “Okay, let’s put them in the pot.”

  Their friend untied the ropes at their feet, then helped them up. When they were upright, he steered them out of the hut. A large iron pot had been placed in the center of the clearing. Natives were piling wood around it.

  “Oh, Max!” 99 wailed. “That pot is for us.”

  “Courage, 99. Maybe nobody will have a match.”

  When they reached the pot they saw that it was full of water.

  “Last one in has to hold the vegetables,” Pierre said.

  “You mean you want us to get into that pot, clothes and all?” Max said.

  “What else?” Pierre replied. “All the vitamins are in the clothes.”

  “And suppose we refuse?” Max said.

  Their friend picked up Max and popped him into the pot. And Pierre picked up 99 and put her in beside him.

  “I guess that answers my question,” Max said.

  Another native joined the party. He was carrying a suitcase, which he placed on the ground, then opened. The suitcase was filled with miniature apothecary jars that contained herbs and spices.

  “Sit down in the pot,” Pierre commanded Max and 99. “You don’t want to come out underdone on your top end, do you?”

  “I’ll stand, if it’s all the same to you,” Max said.

  Pierre pushed him down into the water. “What kind of a stew are you? Don’t you have any pride?” He reached down to the open suitcase and got a salt shaker and a pepper shaker, then salted and peppered Max and 99 thoroughly. After that, he shook some cloves out of a jar into his hand, and held out his hand to them. “Stuff these in your ears,” he said.

  “Now, just a darn minute!” Max said testily. “I happen to know a little bit about cooking myself, and cloves in the ears just isn’t done!”

  Pierre offered the cloves again. “How about between the toes?”

  “Never!” Max said indignantly. “But I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll-”

  He was unable to complete the suggestion. The village was suddenly pervaded by a terrible odor. The natives grasped their throats, choking. Panic seized them; they scattered, running into the jungle.

  “Max! It’s horrible!” 99 cried, her eyes watering.

  “Quick, 99! Dive under the water! And hold your nose!”

  Max and 99 ducked beneath the surface. They remained submerged until they could no longer hold their breath. Then, gasping for air, they raised their heads above the water.

  “It’s wave naw, wine-wine,” Max said.

  “I can’t understand you, Max,” 99 said. “You’re still holding your nose.”

  “Oh. I said, it’s safe now, 99.”

  “Max, what was that odor?” 99 said. “It was terrible!”

  “Elementary, my dear 99,” Max replied. “That terrible odor that panicked the natives of this village was the same terrible odor that, a few weeks ago, panicked the natives of that small village in England. Do you realize what that means, 99? It means that Dr. Livingstrom is somewhere in the vicinity. It was an ill wind that carried that odor to us.”

  “Max, it saved our lives. The natives all ran away.”

  “Well, it was a nice ill wind.”

  “Where is the odor now, Max?”

  “Obviously, the wind has shifted. The odor has gone back to where it came from.”

  “Oh, Max, if we only knew where!”

  “We’ll find it, 99.”

  “How, Max?”

  “By using the oldest tracking method in the book, 99,” Max replied confidently. “We’ll just follow our noses.”

  5

  Using a spear that one of the natives had left behind, Max and 99 cut the ropes that bound their hands. Then they ran from the village, wanting to get a good distance away before any of the inhabitants returned. Finally, they stopped again.

  “Which way now, Max?” 99 said.

  Max sniffed the air. “There’s still a slight scent of that terrible odor in the atmosphere,” he said. “It seems to be coming from over there. . and, uh, over there. . and over there. . and over there.”

  “Max, that’s all four directions. How can we go all four ways at once?”

  “I suppose we could split up,” Max said.

  “Two of us? Four ways?”

  “Yes, I see what you mean. That will be difficult. This is one of those times, apparently, 99, when we’re unfortunate not to have split personalities.”

  “Since we don’t, Max, what’s the solution?”

  “We’ll just have to wait right here, 99, until one of those scents becomes stronger than the others. That will be the one to follow.”

  “I guess you’re right,” 99 said. “But it seems like such a shame. We’re so close. Waiting is such a waste of time.”

  “No, I don’t think it will be,” Max said. “We can use the time to deal with our other problem. Don’t forget, 99, Whitestone, the KAOS agent, is still on the loose. In fact, he’s probably hot on our trail. And before we can be successful at this mission, I think it will be necessary to put our adversary out of the game.”

  “You’re probably right, Max.”

  “Of course I’m right. Suppose we were closing in on Dr. Livingstrom and suddenly, out of nowhere, a parade appeared. You know I can’t resist a parade, 99. The blare of the horns! The beat of the drums! I’d have to stop. And, while I stood there cheering, Whitestone might make off with Dr. Livingstrom.”

/>   “But, Max, you’d know it was an illusion. We’re out in the middle of the jungle. And this isn’t a holiday. There’d be no excuse for a parade.”

  “99, people who march in parades don’t need an excuse.”

  “I see what you mean, Max. You’re right, we better deal with Whitestone. But how? We haven’t even seen him yet.”

  “We know that he’s following us, though,” Max pointed out. “So. . we’ll set a trap for him.”

  “He won’t be easy to snare, Max.”

  “It may not be all that difficult,” Max said. “What’s the first rule when setting a trap for an intelligent animal like man?”

  “Always punt on the fourth down?”

  “No, 99. The rule is: Know your victim. And what is it that we know about Whitestone? We know that he’s an ex-vaudevillian. What does that suggest?”

  “Offering him a booking on the Ed Sullivan show?”

  “You’re on the right track-but you’re in the wrong jungle. What do you think would happen if we set up a spotlight here in this clearing? I’ll tell you what would happen. Whitestone would see it and he’d be unable to resist it. Ex-vaudevillians are the same about spotlights as I am about parades. He’d march into the spotlight and go into his act. And we’d have him!”

  “I don’t know, Max. .”

  “Trust me, 99. I put in a little time on the stage myself, you know.”

  “No, I didn’t know that, Max. When?”

  “In the third grade at Daniel Webster Elementary School. I was the hit of the class hi jinks. Offers poured in from all over the country. Offers from Hollywood. From Broadway. From off-Broadway.”

  “Why didn’t you go, Max?”

  “My mother wouldn’t let me. She thought it might be embarrassing. You see, I hadn’t quite licked toilet training yet.”

  “Too bad, Max.”

  “Yes, but that’s past history, 99. Let’s think about the present. Now, here’s my plan: We’ll dig a pit here in the center of the clearing, then we’ll cover it with branches and twigs. Above the pit, we’ll set up a spotlight, beamed directly at it. Whitestone will be lured into the spotlight, then drop into the pit. We’ll take him prisoner, then pick up Dr. Livingstrom’s trail again-free of the danger of being detoured by Whitestone.”