Ralph's Party

by Lisa Jewell

  For the second time that night, the room fell silent. Cheri looked horrified, Ralph gasped, and Jem screamed. Smith turned around, almost falling from his knees in the process, saw Jem and began one of his trout impersonations, turned back to Cheri, saw the look of disgust on her face and dropped his head into his chest. Jem picked up her coat from a chair, threw on her furry wrap, grabbed her handbag and ran from the gallery, out on to the dark, wet street, her sobs swallowed up by the sound of passing traffic as the door opened and closed. Ralph threw Smith a look of pure contempt, picked up his coat and ran out after her.

  Cheri looked down at Smith’s slumped figure at her feet. She tugged at his hands and pulled him into a standing position. ‘Pathetic,’ she sneered at him. ‘Absolutely pathetic.’

  Siobhan and Karl had missed all this drama. They were already in the street, having some of their own. Karl was pacing up and down the pavement, gesticulating wildly with his hands. Siobhan stood with her head downcast and murmured gently under her breath. They stopped their conversation momentarily as first Jem and then Ralph emerged from the gallery and began running down Ledbury Road, Ralph shouting ‘Wait, Jem, please,’ after her receding figure. They looked at each other, shrugged and continued. What they were talking about was too important to allow even the most dramatic of goings-on to disturb them.

  ‘So – if you’re not living at your mother’s – where exactly are you living?’ Karl turned away from Siobhan, not wanting to watch the discomfort on her face. ‘With your new boyfriend?’ He spat this out. He felt sick, violently sick.

  Siobhan nodded glumly.

  ‘Oh! And where exactly does this new boyfriend live? Somewhere nice?’

  This was horrible, truly horrible. They’d been getting on so well, and then Siobhan had dropped the mother of all bombshells. She was seeing someone. ‘Is it someone special?’ Karl had asked. ‘Yes,’ she’d nodded. ‘Is it – serious?’ She’d nodded again. ‘Jesus – how long?’ Karl was becoming increasingly distressed. Siobhan had shrugged. ‘A few weeks.’ Karl’s face crumpled and his lip began to quiver. ‘But … but … we’ve only been split up a few weeks.’ Siobhan had started crying then and had buried her head in Karl’s chest. They’d hugged and Karl had moved their trauma out on to the pavement to avoid becoming a topic of conversation amongst the party-goers.

  ‘Well?’ he demanded, a sob catching at the back of his throat. ‘Do you and your new boyfriend live somewhere nice – Siobhan – tell me, tell me all about it …’

  ‘Oh, please, Karl, don’t …’

  ‘No. Siobhan, I want to know everything. Tell me everything. What’s his name? What does he look like? What does he do for a living? Is he handsome? Huh? Is he? Is he good in bed?’

  ‘Oh, Karl …’

  ‘Well – is he? Jesus. Siobhan. What’s going on here?’ Karl ran his fingers through his hair and drooped backwards into a shop doorway, draping his coat over his knees and rubbing his face with his hands. ‘I thought we were having some time apart. Why couldn’t you wait, Siobhan? Shit – how did you manage to get over me so quickly? Over us?’

  ‘I don’t know, Karl, I don’t know. It didn’t feel quick, it felt like an eternity, sitting in that bedroom, alone, missing you, missing the flat, missing everything. It felt like for ever, just waiting, hoping that you’d come and get me.’

  ‘I called you! I called you every day, every hour of every day. You wouldn’t take my calls.’

  ‘Oh, God, Karl, it’s easy to call. I wanted you to take action. Do something. I wanted to hear the sound of your car engine turning over in the driveway, wanted to hear the car door slam and your footsteps in the gravel. I wanted to hear the doorbell and I wanted my mother to call up the stairs to tell me that you were there, that you’d come for me. Every night I waited – and you never came …’

  ‘But your mother said she’d call the police if I even phoned again. How could I, Shuv? How could I just turn up? I didn’t know what to expect.’

  ‘Oh, please! Don’t tell me you were so scared of my mother, my tiny little sixty-nine-year-old mother, that you couldn’t fight for what you really wanted. I always had to do everything, Karl – everything. Don’t you see? That was the whole problem. You just always wanted everything to stay exactly as it was – me, the flat, life, everything. If I hadn’t dragged you up to London all those years ago, we’d still be living in that shithole in Brighton. If I hadn’t phoned Jeff after that wedding you’d never have gone for that interview. If I hadn’t sat up half the night with you, persuading you, you’d have turned down the job. I even had to be unfaithful to you to get you to notice that I was unhappy, that there was something seriously wrong with our relationship. I had to kick you out when I found out about you and Cheri and I was damned if I was going to be the one to make the running again, Karl, to reconcile our relationship – it was your turn! It was your fucking turn! I waited for you, Karl, and you didn’t come. You didn’t write. You didn’t give me one decent reason why we should try to save our relationship. You just sat around, drinking whiskey and feeling sorry for yourself, crying down the airwaves to a million total fucking strangers, making everyone feel sorry for you! Well, what about me! Who felt sorry for me! No one. No, Karl, you had your chance. You had a thousand chances and you blew all of them. I have to take control of my life again, Karl. Be me again. And there’s no room for you any more. I love you. I will always love you. You’ve been my best friend for half my life. But you’re a dead weight, Karl, and I’ve cut myself free. Just like I cut my hair, see’ – she pulled the shorn locks to her chin and waved them at Karl – ‘and don’t you think it suits me better?’ She turned away then and began to cry.

  Karl felt like someone had slapped him in the face with a side of salmon. Tears stung his face. What could he say? What could he do? She was right. Shit! He wanted to kick himself. He wished that he could be split in two so that he could chase himself down the street, into an alley and kick twenty-six different types of shit out of himself.

  ‘Shuv …’ He reached out to touch one quivering shoulder with his hand. She spun around.

  ‘Oh, Karl – I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry that you thought there was still hope. I heard you on the radio and you sounded so defeated, so much like you knew what I already knew – that it was over, finished. If only I’d known. We could have talked before. We should have talked before.’

  ‘It’s too late now, huh? Too late for all those could’ves and should’ves.’ He exhaled noisily and began to cry again. ‘Oh, Shuv, what the fuck am I going to do without you? What am I going to do, Shuv? Eh?’

  He turned towards her and the two of them held each other in a sad, wet, desperate embrace, sobbing loudly into each other’s ears.

  So loudly in fact that, at first, they failed to hear the engine of the car that pulled up on the road next to them and the gentle whine of an electric window being lowered, and then the soft, shocked tone of Rick’s confused voice calling out, ‘Siobhan?’

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Ralph finally caught up with Jem at the junction with Lonsdale Road. She was striding purposefully but awkwardly in her skinny heels. ‘Jem – please – stop!’ He followed quickly behind her, accelerating a little to overtake her. ‘Please – stop!’ He grabbed her wrists and pulled her to a halt. ‘Stop!’

  ‘What?’ Jem barked, struggling to free herself from his grip. ‘Leave me alone!’

  She began to thrash out violently at Ralph, futilely flailing her arms around. ‘Jem, I’m sorry,’ Ralph said, bringing her arms into his chest and putting his around her, restraining her in a tight embrace. ‘I’m so sorry.’ She relented to his mollification and collapsed silently into his arms. ‘I’m so sorry. Oh, Jem.’ He rested his cheek on the top of her head, feeling the little indentations in his skin made by the satin roses and smelling the floral freshness of her shiny hair. ‘My poor, poor Jem.’ Her small body heaved under his arms for a moment and he hugged her tighter.

  Jem sniffed and w
iped her fingers across her nose. ‘Ralph,’ she said, ‘I didn’t just imagine that, did I? That was my boyfriend in there, proposing to that girl? Was it a joke, Ralph? Tell me it was a joke. What the fuck is going on? Huh? What is that girl doing here? How do you know her? How does Smith know her? Don’t give me any bullshit, just tell me the truth. Is this all some sort of sick joke? Huh? Huh!’

  Ralph exhaled. He knew he had to explain. He had to explain everything and not leave out one single detail, including his own sneaky part in the whole hideous scenario. He led Jem to a bench and they sat down.

  ‘Well,’ he began, ‘this all started five years ago, when Cheri first moved in upstairs …’

  And he told her, all about Smith’s pathetic obsession, about his self-imposed celibacy while he waited for Cheri to notice him, about the night he’d bumped into Cheri on his way back from St Alban’s and they’d gone for that drink in Oriel, about how Ralph had wanted to tell Jem then but Smith had threatened him with homelessness. He told her how Smith had laughed at her dreams and destinies and how he thought she was a bit mad but that having a girlfriend would make him more attractive to Cheri. He even told her how Smith had fantasized about Cheri when he was making love to Jem …

  ‘Oh, my God! Oh, God, I feel sick! I can’t believe you didn’t tell me all this, Ralph,’ Jem sobbed, ‘that night, in Bayswater. You just let me … oh, God, I feel so humiliated – I’ve never been so humiliated in all my life!’

  ‘Think how it would have sounded, Jem! You wouldn’t have believed me! I’d just told you I was in love with you, it would have sounded so convenient, so … untrue! I had to prove it to you, that Smith was a slimebag. You had to see it with your own eyes. That’s … that’s,’ Ralph lowered his eyes, ‘that’s why I invited Cheri tonight. I’ve never been friendly with the girl, never even really liked her very much. But I just had to let you know what was going on – I couldn’t let him treat you like that any more. And I knew that was the only way you’d really believe what was going on.’

  ‘So, you deliberately ruined my evening, did you? You deliberately humiliated, hurt and destroyed me in front of dozens of people! You deliberately made a complete and total arsehole of me, and …’

  ‘No! No! Not of you – of Smith. I made an arsehole of Smith. And I have to say, he surpassed himself. Even I had no idea that he was that ridiculous, Jem, I promise you. I thought he’d flirt with her, at worst, but that – that was quite remarkable. And I’m sorry that I ruined your evening, but I thought it was a small price to pay for the potential ruination of the rest of your life, which, as you well know, I happen to care a great deal about, so, please, Jem, don’t take this anger out on me – take it out on Smith. He’s the one who deserves it, not me. I know I’ve managed to develop something of a reputation with you for being devious and underhand but please, please, please believe me – I had to do this. I couldn’t watch him making a fool of you for one second longer. Smith’s an arsehole. He’s my best friend, but he’s an arsehole. I know it and now you know it. Please don’t be angry with me, Jem – please!’

  Jem caved in visibly and began to wail. ‘Oh, Ralph, I hate him! I never ever want to see him again.’

  ‘No, Jem. Don’t let him get away with it. Give him hell. If I were you I’d want to go in there and kick him right in the bollocks, kick them so hard that he could cough them up and use them for tonsils. He’s made a fool of you, Jem – he’s treated you with a complete lack of respect. And you, more than anyone I know, more than anyone I’ve ever known, deserve to be treated with respect.’ He stroked a crooked finger against the wetness of her hot, red cheeks. ‘You’re so special, Jem. You are so fucking special.’

  Jem looked up at Ralph through her tears and into his eyes and suddenly she saw it. Destiny. The man in her dreams. She had never seen love like that in anyone’s eyes, ever before. Ralph really, really loved her. And it wasn’t like all the other I Love Yous. He didn’t want anything from her, he wasn’t besotted, he wasn’t obsessed, he wasn’t looking for her to fill any holes in his life, he didn’t want to change her, control her or adore her – he just loved her. Plain and simple. He loved her. She reached out one small, cold hand and placed it on his cheek.

  Thank you, Ralph. Thank you for caring so much. Thank you for the paintings and the food and the peonies. Thank you for being there for me and for what you did tonight. I’m sorry I got angry with you, I’m sorry I’m so stubborn. It’s just … it’s just …’

  ‘Yes – I know – you like to be in control. I know that. I know you. That’s why I knew I had to do what I did tonight.’

  ‘You really care, don’t you?’

  Ralph nodded and took Jem’s hand from his cheek and put it to his lips. ‘You know I do, Jem. And you know I love you …’

  ‘Oh, Ralph!’

  ‘ …and you know that that was part of why I did what I did tonight – because it would give me a chance, a chance to be with you, because as long as you were in love with Smith, that wasn’t going to happen …’

  ‘Oh, Ralph!’

  ‘ … and I have so much respect for you for not wanting to hurt Smith. You’re a better person than I am – he’s my best mate and I don’t have that level of loyalty to him. But now, now you know, now you know what he’s really like, and you’re free, Jem! Free! I’m not expecting you to tell me you love me, I’m not expecting anything from you at all. I know that reading your diaries was a bad thing to do and I don’t expect you to forgive me, but now we can be friends, and then, if nothing else ever happens, at least I’ll know it’s because you don’t love me and not because of some misguided sense of love and loyalty you have for a pathetic little man who doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air as you. D’you understand?’

  Jem smiled, enigmatically. Ralph continued. ‘So, if we both live to be a hundred and you never fall in love with me, then that’s cool, because at least you could if you wanted and …’

  Jem put a hand on each of Ralph’s cheeks and kept smiling at him.

  ‘ … I mean, especially so soon after all this stuff with Smith, you’re probably feeling a bit vulnerable right now and so I wouldn’t expect, you know, anything, you know, like that …’

  Jem watched while Ralph talked, a look of tenderness and love spreading, like the rising sun, over her face. She leaned her body in a little nearer to his.

  ‘ … so, as long as we can still be friends, you know, go out for meals, go to the pub sometimes, I don’t need you to fall in love with me, well, you know, not yet anyway, not immediately …’

  Jem brought Ralph’s face close in to hers and put one finger over his lips.

  ‘It’s all right, Ralph,’ she whispered, grinning from ear to ear. ‘It’s all right. I love you.’

  ‘What?’ Ralph stopped his blabbering and screwed up his face.

  ‘I love you!’

  ‘But … but … but … really? Really and truly! You love me?’

  Jem nodded.

  Ralph’s insides stood up and performed a standing ovation, his heart let off a volley of fireworks, his stomach fluttered with the wings of a million doves and a shower of ticker-tape spiralled joyfully through his mind. Jem loved him! She loved him! He leapt up from the bench and ran around it in circles, punching the air and whooping with joy. ‘She loves me! She loves me!’

  ‘Oh Jem,’ he beamed, sitting down next to her and gripping her hands in his, ‘you have just made me so happy. You’ll never know how happy I feel right now. I love you! And you love me! We love each other, Jem, we love each other.’ He pulled her to him and almost crushed her in the best hug in the history of the world and then, suddenly, just when Jem thought he was going to kiss her, he stood up, grabbed her by the hand and began to run with her towards the party.

  ‘Come on,’ he laughed, ‘we’ve got some unfinished business to attend to, haven’t we? We’ve got to go back to the party and retrieve your dignity! Let’s go!’ he said, ‘let’s go and crucify Smith!’

 
; But their mission was unexpectedly delayed by the sight, as they approached the gallery, of Karl, red in the face, showing all his teeth and smashing his fist into the terrified face of a pretty blond man who lay stretched precariously across the bonnet of a showroom-new silver BMW while Siobhan stood and screamed, tugging ineffectually at the back of Karl’s shirt.

  ‘You FUCKING BASTARD!’ Jem and Ralph winced at the sound of cartilage cracking under knuckle and the sight of a small plume of blood erupting like red ink from the flattened nose. ‘You FUCKING BASTARD!!’

  ‘Karl, get off! Get off him! Please! Leave him alone!’ Siobhan tugged again at the hem of his shirt, but it was useless to try to pull him off Rick: Karl was strong at the best of times; in his current rage he was superhuman.

  ‘You FUCKING BASTARD!’ Jem and Ralph flinched as another blow cracked off the unfortunate Rick’s cheekbone and yet another burrowed deep between his ribs with a sickeningly brittle popping sound.

  ‘Help me! Help me!’ Rick’s voice sounded tiny beneath Karl’s armpit. ‘Will someone please help me!’

  ‘Ralph?’ Jem nudged Ralph.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Can’t you do something?’

  ‘Oh, right – yeah.’ He wandered uncertainly towards Siobhan.

  ‘What’s going on?’ he asked.

  ‘Oh, please,’ sobbed Siobhan, ‘please do something. He’s going to kill him!’

  Oh, God. This really wasn’t Ralph’s scene at all. But he took a deep breath and launched himself at Karl’s waist, linked his hands around him and tried to peel him off Rick like a mussel from a shipwreck. Without turning, Karl swung a seemingly double-jointed arm at him and clouted him around the ear, but Ralph clung on, using his foot against the side of the car for leverage. Karl turned to see what exactly this annoying little parasite was playing at, realized it was Ralph and immediately let Rick drop, like an out-of-favour toy, on to the bonnet of the car, with a resounding thud.