“Who is it?” she asked cautiously.
She heard Gwen’s voice answer from the other side of the door. “Your secret admirer, of course.”
Andi closed her eyes and sighed, letting her head slump forward and rest on the cool wood of the door. She wasn’t ready to see Gwen, but she knew it wasn’t fair to avoid her either. Andi took a deep breath and let it out forcefully. Before she could change her mind, she opened the door.
Gwen swept past her into the room as soon as the door opened. “I brought brunch.” Gwen carried a small cooler and a small grocery bag into the kitchen.
Andi didn’t know what else to do, so she closed the door and followed Gwen. She took her usual seat at the island and watched Gwen unpack her treasures.
Gwen cheerfully put a plate in front of Andi and poured two mimosas. She piled fresh fruit and a sweet dipping sauce onto a plate and placed bagels into the toaster.
Despite her fear and anxiety, Andi thought the food looked and smelled good. There was something comforting about having Gwen here with her.
When the food was ready, Gwen sat down on the stool across from Andi and said in a sweet voice, “I missed you last night.” Before Andi could think to respond, Gwen continued, “Not that I can’t spend the night by myself. I’m a big girl, but the problem was that Zeek sat by the door most of the night whining. I think she was waiting for you. She wanted to come with me this morning, but I reminded her that Goliath didn’t like to share, and she decided to stay home and have me tell you she said hello.”
Andi smiled. She didn’t know what she had done to deserve such a wonderful woman in her life. Then her smile fell as she realized she had to let Gwen go. She couldn’t pretend the fairy tale was real any longer.
“That was smart of her, and very sweet,” Andi said in a small voice.
Gwen studied Andi. The corners of her mouth curled in a playful grin as she took a bite of bagel. “You look like shit.”
Andi scoffed. “Gee, thanks.”
“You look like you haven’t slept.”
“You’re right. I haven’t slept much.”
Gwen waited, but Andi didn’t elaborate.
Gwen let out her breath and her shoulders slumped forward. “If you won’t tell me what’s going on, tell me one thing. Did you ever see us going anywhere, or was this all just a game? Was I just someone to pass the time with?”
Andi was shocked by the question. She knew she had been sending mixed signals and she had told Gwen it was over, but she’d never wanted Gwen to feel unimportant to her.
“What? No, Gwen. It isn’t anything like that.”
“Really? It feels that way to me right now. I’ve been here before. That’s my story. I’m never good enough for the long run. I’m just a plaything that gets tossed aside when the new wears off.”
Andi couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Gwen was always so confident, so self-assured and gentle and kind and amazing. She couldn’t imagine anyone treating her this way. But hadn’t that been exactly what she had done? She’d brought Gwen into her life, and then abandoned her without trusting her with the truth. How did she expect Gwen to feel?
“Gwen, I’ve never felt that way about you. I tried to tell you from the beginning that my life was complicated. But this time with you has been more important to me than anything in my life. I wanted to believe it could last forever.”
Gwen looked up, and Andi could see the pain as if it were a physical wound. “I’m sorry I was weird yesterday, and for disappearing last week, and for hurting you the way I have. Some things have come up and I didn’t handle them very well. I wasn’t expecting Melissa to show up like that yesterday either. I needed some time to process a few things.”
“Are you in some kind of trouble, Andi? Is that why a police officer—”
“No, it isn’t anything like that. Melissa really is a friend.”
“I think it’s time you tell me what’s going on. I think I deserve that much.”
Andi closed her eyes for a moment and drew in a long deep breath. Gwen was right. Gwen had trusted her enough to expose her fears. It was time for her to do the same.
“Let me make us a drink and I’ll tell you everything.”
Andi led Gwen into the living room. She sat with her back against one corner of the couch, a pillow clutched in her arms and her knees drawn to her chest. A glass of white wine sat on the table untouched.
Gwen took the seat next to Andi and folded one knee up on the couch. Facing Andi, she wrapped her fingers around Andi’s hand. “Talk to me, Andi. What is it?”
Andi tried to find the right place to begin. It was important that Gwen understand how important she was to her. “We’ve only known each other for a couple of months, but I”—Andi’s voice broke off—“I feel things for you that I’ve never really felt for anyone before. This week I realized just how important you are to me. I never wanted to hurt you, Gwen. That’s part of the problem.”
Gwen pulled Andi’s hand from the pillow and laced their fingers together. She studied Andi intently.
“That’s why I have to tell you these things now. But I’m afraid you’ll…”
When Andi’s voice broke off, Gwen stroked her thumb across the back of her hand. “I’m here, Andi. You can tell me anything.”
“This won’t be easy for me, but I want you to hear me out before you say anything.”
Gwen nodded. “Okay.”
“Before moving here I had a completely different life. I used to work as an in-home therapist in a rural community about two or three hours from here. I used to see kids at school, juvenile detention, court, and I sometimes worked with the families in the home. A few years ago a case went terribly wrong. I uncovered severe physical and sexual abuse of two teenage children, and they were removed from the home. The father, who was the perpetrator, ran from the police. He became fixated on me because he blamed me for taking his kids. That’s how I met Melissa. She was a police officer in the town where I lived and she tried to protect me.”
Andi paused, trying to gather the strength to tell her story, thankful for Gwen’s patience. “When this man finally got to me, he went after Melissa as well. We didn’t know at the time that he was working with one of the police officers in the town where the abuse happened. They had some kind of child pornography ring going on, and with the ties to the police department, they had intimate knowledge of my location. They came after us one night while we were on our way to Melissa’s house. I had been going stir crazy and needed a break from the confines of my apartment. They managed to stage a car accident that pushed us off the road.”
Andi felt like a weight had settled on her chest making it difficult to breathe. “It was really bad. The cop, Kevin James, had it in for both of us—in a small town, you cross paths with everyone eventually. He hated Melissa because she’d once filed a harassment claim against him. And he had it in for me because I had rebuffed his advances and because I was a lesbian. Kevin James beat Melissa and then made her watch when it was my turn. The father of the two children, Cutis Boyd, had me. He beat me and then forced me…” Andi’s voice quavered and she could hardly form the words she needed to describe that horrible night. She squeezed her eyes shut and tried to focus on pulling air into her lungs.
Gwen hadn’t moved. Andi was vaguely aware of her sitting next to her, and she tried to focus on the feel of Gwen’s fingers laced around her own. Centering her. “I kept fighting him, trying to get free. They had taken us into the woods and Boyd had me on the ground. I could hear Melissa fighting, trying to get to me. Somehow, I managed to dislodge a rock from the dirt and I hit Boyd in the head with it. It was a lucky blow, catching him in the temple. His body went limp and he collapsed on top of me. At first I didn’t know what had happened, I thought I’d knocked him out. I managed to push him off me. It wasn’t until I saw the cold stare of his blank, dead eyes that I knew I’d killed him.”
Andi couldn’t control the shaking in her hands. Her voice sounded cold and
distant to her own ears. She felt disconnected from her body, and she forced herself into a place within where she could numb herself from the pain. She pushed herself to continue. “Kevin James lost it when he saw what I’d done. In his rage he lost his focus on Melissa, and he came at me. Melissa managed to hit him and knock him down. While they struggled I managed to grab the gun Curtis Boyd had been holding on me. I wanted to shoot him. I wanted him to die for what he had done. But I couldn’t pull the trigger.”
Andi shuddered. “There was a long trial and Kevin James went to prison. I sued the police department. A settlement was reached, and then I ran. I couldn’t deal with the memories of that place.”
Andi paused as her guilt swelled. “I ran and left Melissa to deal with things on her own. I didn’t even explain. I just left her. Eventually I ended up in Norris and started the store. It was easier to be here where no one knew me.”
Andi felt Gwen’s arms slide around her shoulders, pulling her tightly against her chest. Andi was relieved by the comfort and allowed herself to cry.
“Shhh,” Gwen said. “You’re safe now.”
Andi pulled away. “No. I’m not safe. I’ll never be safe again. They want to let him out.” Her words were rushed and desperate. “He’s coming up for early parole. He’s promised to kill me when he gets out. As long as there’s a possibility that he can get out, I’ll never be safe.”
Gwen clasped Andi’s hand. “You don’t have to be alone anymore, Andi. We’ll make sure he doesn’t get to you again.”
Andi shook her head. “No one can promise that. He got to me before. He can do it again. The last time, he almost killed Melissa. I don’t want anyone else to get hurt. I don’t want you to get hurt. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It wasn’t fair for me to get close to you like this.”
Realization slowly dawned on Gwen’s face.
“Don’t say that.” Gwen squeezed Andi’s hands. “Being with you is the most wonderful thing in my life. It doesn’t matter about your past. I’m so terribly sorry you’ve had to endure this pain, Andi. But even if I had known, it wouldn’t have changed the way I feel about you. It wouldn’t have changed us.”
Andi wanted to believe Gwen. She sat with her legs stretched across Gwen’s lap, an arm around her shoulder and her hand holding Gwen’s. It felt good to tell her everything. She made everything feel different.
“For years now,” Andi continued, “I shut everyone out of my life. I was so afraid. Then I met you and everything changed. You made me feel alive again, happy. I started to believe I could have the fairy tale. Then the letter came and Melissa showed up.”
Gwen’s grip on Andi’s hand tightened again. “So you believe this man will try to hurt you again?”
“Yes.” Andi looked into Gwen’s eyes. She needed Gwen to understand the risks. “He’s made threats while in prison.” Andi sighed. “I don’t know if this will ever be over. That’s why I had to tell you. You need to know that being with me isn’t safe. These things that have happened, the things I did, live in my skin like a virus.”
“Andi, sweetheart, it drives me crazy to think of what you’ve been through. But what kind of person would I be if I let something like that keep you from me? Do you have any idea how many women are assaulted by men every year? It’s a threat we all live with, all the time. There is nothing you could tell me that could change the way I feel about you.”
Andi stared at Gwen in disbelief. She didn’t know how she should feel. She vacillated between joy, disbelief, and fear. “But, Gwen, I killed a man.”
Gwen nodded and pulled Andi closer. “Yes, you did. You did what you had to do to survive. You protected yourself and someone you loved. You only did what he made you do.”
Andi rubbed her tear-streaked cheeks with the palms of her hands, growing more confident as Gwen’s reassurances sank in. Somehow hearing this from someone who wasn’t involved in the trauma made her feel less blame, less shame, and less guilt.
“What happens if he gets out? Don’t you see? I can’t live with the thought of him hurting you. I won’t let him hurt you.”
“Then we’ll deal with it.”
“You don’t know what you’re saying, Gwen.”
“Yes, I do, Andi. I understand that I’ve fallen in love with you. I want more than anything to have you in my life, always. I won’t let that crazy beast take you away from me. Not now, not ever.”
Andi’s heart ached with the love she had for Gwen. She had waited her entire life to hear those words, but now they were bittersweet. Tears welled in her eyes and her body trembled from holding back so much. She pushed forward and wrapped her arms around Gwen. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t alone.
“I love you, Andi. I love you,” Gwen said over and over again as she rocked Andi in her arms. “I can’t live without you. Please promise me you won’t shut me out.”
Andi shook her head. “No. I can’t.”
Suddenly remembering her talk with Melissa, Andi pulled her head back and peered down at Gwen. “There’s one more thing.”
Gwen’s hands twisted in Andi’s shirt along her back. “Anything.”
“I need to go out of town this weekend to meet with Melissa and my attorney. We’re going to figure out a plan to try to block the parole.” Andi studied Gwen closely, to read her reaction. “Will you come with me?”
Gwen’s eyes lit up with relief. “Of course I will.” She buried herself in Andi’s neck.
Relief washed over Andi and she cradled Gwen’s head against her.
“Come on, you need some rest,” Gwen whispered.
Andi nodded, too tired to argue. She let Gwen lead her to the bedroom.
Gwen pulled back the covers as Andi slid beneath the cool sheets. Then Gwen slid into bed beside Andi, pressing their bodies together.
Andi curled into Gwen’s embrace, resting her head on Gwen’s chest, one hand clinging to her waist. Nothing had turned out the way she expected. She still wanted to keep Gwen safe, but she realized for the first time that she could only keep her safe by holding her close. She had to protect Gwen’s life, but she would also protect her heart.
Chapter Twenty-one
The sun was just coming up as Andi gathered the last of her things and set her bag by the door. Gwen would be arriving any minute. Everything was so quiet and peaceful in the still of the morning, and Andi was thankful for the moment of peace. She wished she could just stop time and never have to face the demons that were uprooting her life.
When she’d first received the letter about the parole hearing, she’d wanted to run, but Gwen had shown her she had too many reasons to stay. It was time to face her past so she could have a future.
But she had to admit she was anxious about going back to where it had all started. Andi looked up to see Gwen pulling into the drive, and some of her worry lifted. As much as she wanted to protect Gwen from the problems before her, she was glad to have her by her side. She would face hell itself if she had to, if it would keep Gwen safe.
Andi opened the door for Gwen as she bounded up the steps.
Gwen smiled. “Hey. That didn’t take too long did it?”
Andi threaded her arms around Gwen’s neck and planted a light kiss on her lips. “Not too long at all. Is everything okay with Zeek?”
“She’s all set. Morgan will have her spoiled rotten by the time we get back.”
“Good. The best dog is a spoiled dog.”
Gwen laughed. “If you say so. Are you ready?”
Andi sighed. “As ready as I’ll ever be. How about you? Are you sure you want to do this?” She was anxious and needed reassurance that Gwen would really go through this with her.
Gwen brushed her thumb across Andi’s cheek. “Definitely.”
Gwen put the Land Rover into gear and backed out of the drive. “So, tell me about this meeting were going to. Who’ll be there, what’s the goal, that sort of thing.”
Andi turned sideways in her seat so she could face Gwen. “Well, you already m
et Melissa, sort of. She’ll be there of course. I’m looking forward to seeing her and Jimmy together. They’re a couple now.”
“And Jimmy is your attorney?”
“Yes. I don’t know how Melissa or I could have gotten through the trial without her. I’m glad she’s been there for Mel.” Andi looked away. She felt guilty for not being a better friend, for not being there to help Melissa deal with what they had been through.
“So in a way this is a social visit too. You guys get to catch up a little and regroup.”
“Yeah, something like that.” Andi smiled and looked back at Gwen. “Hopefully they’ll have some news for us, and Jimmy will have a plan.” She prayed there was something, some way to keep Kevin James from reaching her again.
The two-hour drive passed quickly as they talked, and Andi was surprised to see the city emerging from the mountains far sooner than she had expected. It seemed strange to be revisiting this chapter of her life, and she wondered what price she would have to pay this time, what sacrifices she would have to make.
Andi smiled when Melissa answered the door. Despite the memories and the pain, it would be good to see her and Jimmy again, and she was excited for Gwen to get to know her friends.
“Hey, you made it.” Melissa pulled Andi through the door by her hand and hugged her. She turned to Gwen with a smile. “Hello, Gwen. It’s good to see you again. I’m glad you were able to make it.” She shot a grin at Andi before shaking Gwen’s hand.
“Come on inside, Jimmy’s out on the back deck.”
Andi reached for Gwen’s hand and laced their fingers together. Gwen looked into her eyes and smiled reassuringly before following Melissa through the house. The space was open and very modern, and Andi wondered whose taste the house reflected most. If she had to guess, this was mostly Jimmy. Melissa was a bit more reserved and somewhat understated. Jimmy was the all out there, show your cards kind of girl.
As soon as they stepped through the open glass doors to the deck, Jimmy stood, her six-foot-four frame towering over them all. Despite her imposing presence, her smile was warm and disarming. She leaned down and kissed Andi’s cheek.
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