Back To Our Beginning

by C. L. Scholey

  “I have. I helped my Annie; we was out far and it happened so quick there weren’t no time for a doctor or hospital. She had Bess in my granny’s house,” Clint said.

  “Then we’ll need you to help reassure her before the time comes and during the delivery,” Tansy told him, though his admittance did little to alleviate fears.

  Clint nodded stiffly. Annie had been a woman full-grown. This was different; this was a baby giving birth to a baby. She wasn’t even thirteen, she could die. He remembered the pain Annie went through, he remembered her screams, knowing he would’ve done anything for her to make her pain go away. Clint blamed himself for her pain; he knew if he hadn’t been with her the agony of labor would never have happened. He knew she had been overjoyed when she found out she was pregnant, so had he, but her pitiful cries during the delivery had slammed daggers into his heart.

  Annie had wanted his baby, she had wanted him. Clint realized it would have been different if she hadn’t wanted him, if he forced himself on her and then she had gotten pregnant like Rose.

  Looking over at Tansy’s concerned face, Clint felt like he’d been hit with a sledge hammer. How could he have been so stupid? Why was he always so stupid? Especially about women. He finally understood Tansy’s anguish, her fears about her daughters. No wonder she was still afraid of him. It wasn’t because of his size; it was because of his stupidity. His unwillingness to face the consequences of his actions or inactions. The act of a man forcing himself on a woman wasn’t just in the heat of the moment; it could lead to a lifetime of serious ramifications, bittersweet regrets, anger fighting love, denial, maybe even hatred. If another life was created and neither expected it, wanted it or was ready for it or cared for it, what happens to that life?

  He couldn’t begin to imagine him or Annie not wanting Bess. They loved her beyond reason, and Annie died to be with their child. How would Rose feel about this new life? Would she even want it? Who could blame her if she didn’t? And if she didn’t, what would they do with the baby? They could clothe it and take care of it, but would the goat’s milk keep it alive if Rose refused to offer it her breast? They would need to fashion some type of bottle regardless, in case Rose was unable to feed the child or, God forbid, died during the delivery.

  Clint felt overwhelmed. His thoughts had taken flight into darkness, a place he didn’t want to be. Yet there he was. A baby would give birth to a baby because of one solitary man’s irrepressible act. A terrible realization dawned; Shanie really wasn’t much older than Rose when they had first met, would he have stood by and let Cord or Randy—No! His mind screamed out a fierce denial.

  “Clint, are you alright?” Cord asked him. He’d been watching his friend’s pensive frown turn into an intense cold look of anguish and almost fearful guilt.

  Without any warning, Clint balled his fist and smashed Cord in the mouth. Emmy screamed and Aidan raced to interfere. Cord lay on the ground stunned; he sat up slowly, his hand holding his jaw. Clint cornered Tansy who was frightened by his look of severe intensity. She felt herself shaking as Clint pressed himself against her, caught up in the passion of his thoughts.

  “Ain’t no man has the right to hurt a woman. Ethan wanted ground rules when he first come and you said first one is no fightin’, but I ain’t appoligizin’ to Cord. Second one is no hurtin’ women. Forcin’ is hurtin’ whether or not it leaves marks.” Clint glared at the rest of the men. “I’ll kill anyone who forces a woman...includin’ you,” his gaze snapped daggers at Cord. Clint moved away from Tansy, spun around and stormed out of the mine.

  They all stood shocked. Cord rose to his feet rubbing his jaw.

  “Are you all right?” Tansy asked him with concern.

  “Yeah, I’m fine; he’s got a mean left hook, always has,” Cord said, then to everyone’s surprise he chuckled.

  “You find this amusing?” Ethan asked him.

  “Both Clint and I have been battling some demons since Rose came along. I knew it was just a matter of time. Maybe the baby was the last straw.” As Cord sauntered away, he also added, “Maybe I had it coming.”

  * * * *

  Tansy followed Clint’s trail that led her to the stream. It was ironic that Clint had been the one to teach her basic tracking skills and the first time she used them was on him. She sat on the grassy bank while she watched Clint wash, scrubbing at himself with the sand he scooped up from the streambed below. He was kneeling in the water and the stream came only to his mid chest. He leaned back dunking his head; when he came up for air, he glanced over at Tansy.

  Clint stood and began to make his way toward Tansy unhurriedly, he was completely nude. Tansy drank in the sight of him. He was big and powerful and well-muscled. Because of the oppressive heat, they all wore very little and most of him was tanned. His chest was exceptionally broad and sprinkled with a generous amount of darkened hair. His impressive thighs took long strides.

  Clint reached the bank and reached up to squeeze the length of his long black hair. He shook his head to expel most of the water, which sent Tansy squealing backwards from the spray. Only then did he pick up his ratty worn shorts made from his jeans and donned them. Clint flopped beside Tansy and lay back on the grass, an arm tucked beneath his head, his knees bent. When he looked at her, his brilliant blue eyes were full of sorrow.

  “When the world ended, everythin’ changed. I was blind to what Cord and Randy did ’cause I had Annie and Bess. Then they died and I jist stopped carin’. Like some mindless robot.”

  “I was angry when Shane died.”

  “Shane was taken away from you by force, stolen from your family. My Annie killed herself. She chose to go away from me, to leave me all alone.” Tansy saw moistness forming around the corners of his eyes, she felt his anger and hurt of betrayal, the pain and abandonment and his feelings of terrible guilt, his sadness.

  “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “Weren’t it? She knew what Randy and Cord was doin’. She begged me to stop ’em, but I told her they never hurt ’em women. They never hit ’em. I knew Annie was lonely for other women to talk to, but any woman brought back by ’em never said nothin’ to her. They jist never said anythin’ or did anythin’ but cried. I always thought Bess and me was ’nough for her. I thought I was all she needed, I thought she trusted me, loved me.” A single tear trailed its way down the side of his face. Tansy wiped it away; her own eyes were weeping with his pain.

  “Then Annie and my baby girl was gone and I didn’t want nobody. I swear, Tansy; I ain’t never touched any of ’em women, not ever!”

  “But you never helped them either.”

  “No I didn’t. I shut my eyes and ears and convinced myself that as long as they was released...unharmed, they was fine.”

  “But they had been harmed.”

  “I know that now. I’m jist sorry I’m so stupid I never figured it out sooner.”

  “You’re not stupid, Clint. You were hurting. You’ve never hurt me or my girls,” Tansy said, giving him a half smile that didn’t really reach her eyes. She was struggling with her own inner turmoil, her need to console her agonized friend. Yet her thoughts of immense outrage plagued her. How could he not have understood? How could some men really think this way, be so barbaric?

  “I wouldn’t never a let Cord touch Shanie. Cord wouldn’t anyhow, he ain’t never hurt a little girl and to him Shanie is a little girl. First off, he told Randy she was too young and off limits.”

  The air was consumed with tension. Both Tansy and Clint knew that Emmy came between them. Though tiny, Clint knew that Cord considered her a woman simply because of her age.

  “The world endin’ changed a lot a people,” Clint began.

  “Are you saying Cord wasn’t like that before?” Tansy asked, knowing the answer.

  “Hell yes, he was mean afore. He used women, but he didn’t want to end up in jail by forcin’ one. When there weren’t nobody left to lock him away, it was like he was let loose in a candy store.”

&nbs
p; At that analogy, Tansy shuddered. She felt so much sadness for the women who suffered and equally sad knowing Clint had stood by and did nothing to help any of them.

  “Cord ain’t the same, Tansy. He weren’t nearly so bad when we come across you and the girls. Even Randy was complainin’ a loneliness. There didn’t seem to be many women left and I’m thinkin’ they was gettin’ real worried. They even talked ’bout maybe bein’ nice for a change.”

  “Well how considerate,” Tansy spit out sarcastically.

  Clint sat up and placed a large hand under Tansy’s chin, his gaze caught hers. “I feel bad ’bout what coulda happened to Emmy. I’m sorry ’bout a lot a thin’s that coulda happened. But I can’t apologize or be held responsible for somethin’ that never happened. Please believe that I honestly feel Cord never wanted to hurt Emmy and I doubt he woulda. All three a us coulda done anythin’ we wanted at any time ’cause you was all so helpless against us, yet we didn’t. And you don’t know it, but Cord thinks a that boy Chris every day. His face will haunt him forever. If’n he were so bad, he wouldn’t give the kid a second thought—but he does. I’m thinkin’ he’s dealing with a lotta guilt.”

  Tansy had one more question left, “Would Cord have hurt me?”

  “I wouldn’t a let him,” Clint declared passionately, his eyes narrowed dangerously and she believed him.

  “But he would have, if he knew you wouldn’t intervene.”

  “You ain’t like any woman he’s ever knowed. He’s used to women doin’ what he wants when he wants. Hell, he was born big. He got mean when his mama ran away and left him alone with his daddy. He wasn’t yet big ’nough to keep his old man from beatin’ on her. That’s why he don’t never hit women. He didn’t like it none when Randy hit his wife; believe it or not, she would run to Cord for his protection when Randy lit into her. Randy never knew, but it was Cord who give her the money to leave, so’s she would take the kid and not abandon it with Randy. Randy woulda made a lousy daddy, just like Cord’s was.

  “He don’t say much ’bout it, but I know he misses his mama. He don’t blame her none for runnin’, jist for not taken him with her, but if’n she had both me and Cord knowed his daddy woulda hunted her down. If’n he had found her, the next time he beat her woulda been the last,” Clint said and grimaced. “Cord can be rough, but mostly he jist uses his size and words to scare women.”

  “He can be very intimidating.”

  “But now you, you wasn’t scared a him. When Shanie stood up to him it jist made him laugh ’cause he figured she wouldn’t really know what a man could do to a woman. But you would know, you havin’ kids and all.”

  “I was afraid of him.”

  “But you didn’t back down. Drove him crazy, I could tell. At first he figured we could break you into submission.”

  “What?” Tansy squealed in outrage.

  “Now don’t get your dander up, I told him no outright. Then after a while you kinda became a challenge. Now he jist likes to tease you.”

  “Well bully for him.”

  Clint brushed a lock of her hair away from her face. “I ain’t given’ up.”

  Tansy was glad. She liked this man. She rose to her feet and offered him her hand. “It’s time for dinner.”

  “Hell, I’m for that, I’m starved. What we havin’?”

  “I’m not sure. Emmy and Shanie are cooking.”

  Clint stopped; his look of abject horror had Tansy gasping from peals of laughter. “Now come on, it’s not that bad.”

  “Hell, Tansy, your girls are real lookers and sweet, but they could burn water.”

  Laughing, Tansy dragged him back to the mine where, sure enough, Tansy smelled something burning. Clint hesitated but she shoved him through the entrance still laughing.

  “Mommy, dinner smells funny,” Michaela twittered.

  “Shanie called it Cajun,” Ricky grumbled. Max sat scowling and poked a finger at the burnt mess.

  “Well this looks interesting,” Tansy said. She picked up a plate, its contents not as burnt as the others.

  “No Mom, don’t! Lucky ate that then threw up on the plate,” Emmy cried and raced to take it from her.

  Now it was Clint’s turn to laugh at Tansy’s horrified expression. Tansy looked at Shanie and Emmy; if they hadn’t looked so miserable Tansy would have been angry. “What was this?”

  “Deer stew. But Emmy let it cook too long,” Shanie said angrily.

  “I didn’t. You were supposed to be watching it while I watched Mike and the other kids.”

  “Never mind,” Tansy said, holding up her hands. “Just take the kids to the stream and you can wash them before dinner tonight.”

  “Are you cookin’?” Clint asked happily.

  Tansy nodded affirmative, she sent the others with the burnt pot of stew to be scoured with sand. Taking a new pot, Tansy filled it with water she poured from the stomach of an elk. She used one of her precious packets of salt for seasoning. She sliced the giant sponge-like puffball she found in the woods and cooked pieces dropped onto a flat rock on the grill which she coated with fat from the elk. The puffball absorbed the fat nicely, giving it a delicious taste. Tansy used another flat rock placed on the grill and then covered it in fat. On this one she dropped hand flattened dough to make baked flatbread. At Aidan’s suggestion, Tansy found after boiling the inner bark of a pine tree it became a gelatinous mass that looked unpalatable though it could be eaten. Experimenting, she roasted it and found she could grind it for flour.

  Clint stayed behind to keep an eye on Tansy, he knew she became engrossed when cooking and didn’t always pay attention to any dangers. Luckily, no other animal had gotten too near to their mine entrance or tried to enter since the bear, possibly because of their traps and noise makers blowing in the wind. But there was always a need for caution.

  “What’s this?” Clint asked and cautiously sniffed at the pot Tansy set aside earlier in the day. He approached her with a large quarter of elk meat from a kill a week previously.

  If the meat was well wrapped and secured, they could sink it into the lake and use the cold water as a deep refrigerator, careful to keep it well marked and weighted. When the storms blew in the waves of even the smallest lakes in their vicinity were an awesome sight to behold, they would hate to have their hard work dragged away by a tornado or undertow.

  Tansy tossed Clint a fast glance, not wanting the bread or mushrooms to burn. “I cooked down some of the dried raspberries and strawberries we had, if it works I’ll try blueberries and blackberries or the thimble berries we found. I’m adding it to crab apples I boiled down hoping I can make some jelly.”

  “I thought you couldn’t make freezer jam.”

  “I wish we had a freezer. Some nights I think I could sleep in one,” Tansy said. “The book I have said crab apples are high in pectin. That got me thinking when I saw them. I was hoping we could try the jelly tonight with the flatbread.”

  Clint returned to the pot of fruit and stuck a finger into it. He lifted his finger to his mouth and took a cautious taste, he would’ve preferred it sweeter, but felt when put on the flatbread it might not be half bad. Inner bark was mildly sweet. Clint watched Tansy roast ground nuts.

  “My granny always told me crab apples would give me the runs,” Clint mused.

  “They could if you ate too much. Look on the bright side. If nothing else, at least we’ll all stay regular,” Tansy said cheekily.

  “Your book got anythin’ ’bout Afros in it?”

  “Afros? You want to give your hair a perm?”

  “No. I mean stuff that makes a woman feel...you know, all warm and cuddly with a man.”

  “Aphrodisiacs.”

  “That’s it,” Clint said, snapping his fingers.

  “Sorry, sweetheart. You’ll just have to rely on your good looks and charm.”

  Clint shrugged, a bit disappointed. The others returned and sat down to dinner. Max offered Tansy one of his rare smiles while stuffing the flatbread with
jelly into his mouth. Tansy could tell he was gaining weight. His once gaunt little face had begun to fill out and if she didn’t know better, she would swear he’d gained in height as well; he no longer appeared as tiny as Michaela. His lack of teeth didn’t slow him down. The only problem they’d ever encountered at mealtime was when Clint stopped Max from shoveling food into his mouth as though he would never eat again. Max had already choked once, but thanks to Clint’s diligent scrutiny at watching the children during mealtime, a tragedy was prevented. After that, all it took was a stern warning glance from Clint to let the boy know to slow down.

  One of the most precious things Tansy had seen was when Clint hunkered down to eye level with Max, while he clumsily explained with signs and actions he would starve first before he would let Max go without. Max seemed to size him up with caution, then handed Clint a pocketful of worms. Max then bound away, leaving Clint to hold the wriggling dirt encrusted mass, while Cord laughed that he’d made a friend.

  Worms were the only thing the children had been surviving on, worms and bugs were easy to acquire under small rocks and rotted logs, enabling them to scramble back to the safety of the cellar from fear of the unpredictable storms or deadly animals. Ethan took this as a great step toward reestablishing trust for Max. He had clapped Clint on the back and gave him a thumbs-up. Having an epiphany of his own, Clint took the kids fishing and using Max’s worms they caught themselves a wonderful lunch.

  “Mom this is good,” Shanie said.

  “Maybe it’s time your mother taught us all how to cook,” Ethan said.

  Although the brunt of cooking fell to Tansy, she wasn’t displeased. Tansy found she never did initially get over the killing and the gutting of animals. She didn’t feel she was a hypocrite; she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt she would kill again if she had to for the sake of her children and the others. She just preferred to cook the food and work the skins. The others shared their kills, not just the food but the hides as well.

  The others let Tansy know how grateful they were of her cooking expertise and showered her with gifts. Tansy had been able to make Michaela and Ricky warm winter coats already with what the others brought home.