"I put us both in there," Alex said. "So now when you wake up in the middle of the night you can wake me up, too."
"I wouldn't do that."
He shrugged. "It's cool if you do. You know you can always talk to me. Even at 3 in the morning."
Mom walked into the kitchen. "Are you staying for dinner, Alex?" He shook his head. "Can't. I have practice." He jumped up and kissed my head. "Bye, Jay. I'll see you tomorrow."
Mom watched Alex leave with a small smile on her face. "He's such a nice boy."
I groaned. "Don't even start, mom. We're just friends." She held up her hands. "I know, I know. But he really loves you. He'd make a great husband one day."
I burst out laughing. "I can't even walk out the front door and you're already planning my wedding? Come on, mom."
She grinned at me. "Just saying."
I went up to my room to take a nap. I knew Alex loved me. I loved him too. But he didn't need to be with a train wreck like me. I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, and Alex was easily the most popular guy at school. It wasn't fair to make him wait for me. I felt bad that he was at my house every day. It truly was the highlight of my day, but I'm sure he had better things to do than deal with my emotional breakdowns and panic attacks. I laid in bed staring at the ceiling, wondering when I would start to feel like a normal person again.
==========================
Alex drove home deep in thought. He hated leaving Jadia. If he had it his way, he would never leave her side. He loved her so much. He felt guilty about making her go outside. She obviously wasn't ready for it. His grip tightened on the steering wheel as he thought about the shell of herself that she had become. Before David Hayes had abducted and tortured her, she was vibrant and energetic. She was so sweet and innocent. He remembered finding her in Mr. Hayes's house and how she had looked after being there for only a week and a half. Her bright, sparking eyes were dull and lifeless. She had lost a lot of weight. She looked…broken. His jaw clenched as he remembered how she was dressed in lingerie. He knew right away that she had been raped. David Hayes had stolen Jadia's innocence and her sparkle. If Alex ever saw David again, he would kill him.
==========================
I woke up at 10 in the morning, feeling surprisingly good. Until I remembered my therapist appointment.
Fuck.
I rolled out of bed, showered and put on my sweats. I wasn't going out of my way to look nice today. I laid in bed and watched TV until 11:45, then reluctantly made my way downstairs. Mom was putting her jacket on. "I'm going to run a few errands when Dr. Schor gets here. I'll give you two some privacy." I shrugged. "Whatever," I mumbled.
At exactly noon, the doorbell rang. I opened the door to a surprisingly young woman with short brown hair and friendly eyes.
She smiled at me. "I'm Dr. Schor. Are you Jadia?" I nodded wordlessly and let her in. My mom came bustling into the kitchen.
"Hi, Dr. Schor! It's so nice to meet you. I'm Marie Galvin," she gushed, grabbing Dr. Schor's hand and shaking it furiously.
"Likewise," Dr. Schor replied, smiling at my mom.
Ugh. Let's just get this over with.
"Mom, weren't you just leaving?"
She looked at me. "Huh? Oh, yeah. I'll give you two some privacy. Be back in an hour!" She called, slamming the door shut behind her.
I stood staring at Dr. Schor, waiting for her to make the first move. "Do you want to go sit down?" She asked me. I shrugged. "I don't care."
She nodded. "Ok. So let's go sit down."
I sighed. I led her to the living room and sat down on the couch. She sat down on my dad's recliner and pulled out her notebook. I rolled my eyes.
"So Jadia," she started. "Do you know why I'm here?"
"Yeah," I replied. "You make house calls to all the crazies that are scared to go outside."
"So you think you're crazy?"
I thought for a second. "Sometimes. But I would say I'm more "fucked up' than crazy."
"Sounds reasonable. What's got you so "fucked up'?"
I rolled my eyes at her. "You already know why you're here. I'm sure my parents told you all about it."
She nodded. "That's true. They did. But I want to hear it in your own words. Tell me what happened to make you feel this way."
I closed my eyes. I hated talking about it. "I was abducted by my teacher," I said flatly.
"Care to elaborate?"
I glared at her. "Not really."
"Ok. We don't have to talk about anything that you don't want to. Why don't you tell me about yourself."
"What do you want to know?"
"Well for starters, what are some of your hobbies?"
I shrugged. "I used to like to paint."
"And you don't anymore?"
"Not really."
"Why do you think that is?"
None of your god damn business, I thought, then immediately felt bad. She was here to help me. My parents had so much faith in this process. I might as well at least try.
"When I paint, I let my mind wander and paint what I feel. I'm afraid to let my mind wander anymore. Every time it does, I think of David."
"How do you feel when you think of David?"
"How do you think I feel?" I snapped. "I feel angry and stupid and...worthless."
She nodded. "I understand the angry part. Why do you feel stupid?"
I sniffed. "Because I went there willingly. I thought he was just my teacher trying to help me. I got into his car and let him drive me to his house. And then when Amber came..." my voice cracked.
"Who's Amber?" She asked softly.
"A girl from my school. She came to David's house looking for 'extra help'. Cause, you know, she's kind of slutty and David was attractive. I screamed for her to run and get help and he smashed her over the head. I'm not sure with what. I thought he had killed her. He came back in the room covered in dirt."
Now I was babbling.
"That was the worst punishment he gave me. And after that..." I shook my head.
"After that what?"
"I had convinced him that I loved him and that I would marry him. After I called for help he knew that I was lying. He spent the next three days torturing and raping me until Alex rescued me. I know he would have killed me if Alex hadn't come."
"Alex sounds like a great guy."
I smiled. "He is. He's so sweet and patient with me. He's my best friend."
"Just a friend?"
"Yeah. He was actually my boyfriend before...before David. But he, um, cheated on me with my best friend."
She raised her eyebrows. "That's harsh."
I nodded. "I know. That's when David found me. He was waiting for me outside the house where I found Alex and Carly together."
"So do you blame Alex or Carly for what happened?"
I looked up in surprise. "Of course not. David was waiting for me outside that house. He would have found me either way."
"Fair enough." She smiled. "Tell me about Carly."
"Carly has been my best friend for almost 10 years. She's kind of the opposite of me. Outgoing, tall, thin, gorgeous."
"Ok," she interrupted. "You may not be outgoing or tall, but you can't tell me that you're not thin or gorgeous."
"Well, I used to be fat."
She raised her eyebrows. "Fat? You?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Until this year. I was pretty much invisible. You know, as much as a fat girl can be."
She chuckled. "How did you feel about being invisible?"
"I hated it. All I wanted was to be popular. It sucks going through school with one friend. Alex didn't even talk to me until this year. It was always just me and Carly." I paused for a second. "Now though, I might like to be invisible again. I don"t think I can handle the stares and judgment."
"Well, it sounds like you've got a pretty good support system."
"Yeah. Carly and Alex have my back. But they're not in all of my classes with me."
"So catching her with Alex must h
ave been heart wrenching."
I nodded. "It was. I thought that was the worst thing that could ever happen to me." I laughed bitterly. "Guess I was wrong."
"But you and Carly are friends again?"
"Yeah. Everything I went through really put things in perspective. I know they were wrong. They were both drunk and stupid. But...I need Carly. Nobody understands me like she does. I've forgiven her."
"Do you think she's forgiven herself?"
I thought. "I don't know. I've never really thought about it. I hope she has."
She nodded. "That's pretty selfless of you. You're a good friend."
"Thanks," I said shyly.
She cleared her throat. "So we've gotten the stupid part out of the way. Why do you feel worthless?"
I realized how much I had been talking. I was prepared to have a shitty time talking to Dr. Schor. Instead I felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.
"I feel worthless because of what David did to me. He forced me to dress in skanky lingerie. He raped me and forced me to stare into his eyes the whole time. He told me that I was his whore and his property. He held me captive in his bedroom. He tied me up and whipped me." I was sobbing. "He starved me. I didn't know when he was going to come back for me. After 3 days I asked for food and he said no. So..." I put my head in my hands and sobbed. She was silent for a minute until I pulled myself together.
"So what?"
"I had sex with him," I whispered. "Willingly...had sex with him. For the first time. I gave him my virginity. It was the only way I could think of to convince him that I loved him so that he would keep me alive." I felt so ashamed. "The first time wasn't rape. I let him."
"So you wanted to have sex with him?"
I shook my head. "No. I was afraid for my life. It was either have sex with him or starve to death."
"What happened after you had sex for the first time? Did he give you food?"
I nodded. "Yeah. But by that point I had lost my appetite. The sex was horrible. He was so rough with me. He humiliated me."
She nodded silently and waited for me to continue. "After I ate he...he asked me to marry him."
"Really? With a ring and everything?"
"Yeah. That's when I knew that he was truly insane. Not just sadistic."
"So what did you say?"
I shrugged. "I said yes. I had to tell him what he wanted to hear. I couldn't say no. He would have killed me. He wanted me to be his perfect, obedient little sex toy. I had to play along until I escaped."
"Mm hmm. So he starved you until you had humiliating rough sex with him, and then he fed you?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"That sounds an awful lot like rape to me."
I thought about that for a second. "I guess. I've always felt guilty though. Like what if there was another way?"
"What if there wasn't?"
I shook my head. "I guess I'll never know."
"You're right. You'll never know. So you have to come to terms with the fact that it happened. But it sounds to me like it was your only choice. Especially since he raped you after that anyway."
I saw silently for a minute, thinking about what she had said. Maybe I really didn't have a choice. At the time it sure didn't feel like I did.
She cleared her throat. "Tell me about the note."
I sighed. "A few weeks after Alex rescued me, there was a letter in my mailbox. It said ‘If I can't have you, nobody can.' I thought it was from David. Come to find out, it was just a fucking joke. This stupid asshole that goes to school with me. Mike Miller. He apparently felt bad and confessed."
"So that made you angry?"
"Hell yeah. I was furious. How dare he make a joke of what I've been through? He apparently thought it was funny. Sick fuck," I muttered.
The kitchen door opened and my mom came strolling in. "Hi girls!" She called cheerfully. "I'm going to go out to the garden. I'll give you some privacy."
I glanced at the clock in surprise. It had almost been an hour already.
Dr. Schor smoothed her skirt. "We're about done here for today. Before I go, can you tell me some of your goals? What do you want to get out of this?"
I thought for a minute. "The first thing I want is to go outside. I want to leave the house and go out without having a panic attack. I want to stop being terrified that David is outside watching me."
She nodded. "That's a good start. What else?"
"I want to go back to school," I whispered. "I can't stand being here anymore. I need to have some sense of normalcy. I feel like I'll never get over what happened if all I do is lay around and dwell on it all day."
She smiled. "That's a great goal. I'm going to prescribe you some anti anxiety medication. It shouldn't make you feel anything but a little bit calmer in stressful situations. Then I want you to try to go outside. Small steps. Walk to the mailbox. Run a few laps around the house. And I think you should start painting again. Let those thoughts flow through you and let them out on paper. Get your hurt out. Don't bottle it in, Jadia. That's the worst thing you can do."
I smiled and nodded. "Ok." For the first time in two months, I felt hopeful.
Dr. Schor stood up to leave and handed me her card. "My goal is for you to feel comfortable enough to come see me in my office. If not, call me any time. I can make emergency stops."
"Thanks, Dr. Schor."
She smiled. "Call me Melanie."
I walked Melanie to the door and watched her leave. I was grateful that she didn't stop to talk to my mom like my last therapist did.
==========================
I stared out the window and watched mom pull weeds from the garden. I wanted so badly to go outside and help her. I used to love gardening with mom. I should just go out. What's the worst that can happen?
David can pop out of the bushes and kill me.
I hated that even after I escaped from him he still controlled my life. I thought about what Alex said.
"Don't let him win."
Fuck David. He wasn't waiting for me. He was gone. If anybody saw him around here he would be in jail so fast his head would spin. He may have been crazy, but he wasn't stupid. I took a deep breath, opened the door and stepped outside.
The California air was warm and invigorating. I had always loved being outside before David. I hated how I thought of my life now as before David and after David. Not anymore. I was taking control of my life. I walked toward my mom.
You're fine.
She heard me and turned around, startled. "Jadia!" She cried. "You're outside!"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"What's the matter? Are you ok?"
"I'm fine, mom. I just wanted to sit with you for a bit."
She smiled at me, tearing up. "Oh, sweetie. Come sit down."
I sat next to her and watched her work. After a few minutes I laid down on my back, daring to close my eyes. The sun shone down on my face. It felt glorious. "So how did you like Dr. Schor?" Mom asked.
"She's ok. She's at least better than Dr. Martin."
"Oh, that's good honey. Are you going to see her again?"
"Yeah," I said softly. "I think so."
She worked and I laid in silence for awhile. It felt so good to lay in the sun. I heard a car pull into the driveway and gasped, sitting up. "Relax, honey. It's just Alex," mom assured me. I breathed a sigh of relief.
"Wait, how long have I been out here?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. An hour?"
Holy shit. I had completely lost track of time. "I guess I should go inside and get Alex. He's probably pounding on the front door," I said, jumping up. I ran inside and found Alex standing in the kitchen, looking frantic.
"Jay! Were you just outside?"
"Yeah," I replied. "I was sitting with my mom."
"Holy shit, that's awesome!" He grabbed me in a big hug and swung me around. I laughed as he set me down and kissed me on the head. "So what changed since yesterday?"
I shrugged. "I just decided that I w
asn't going to let David control my life anymore."
"So the therapist helped?"
I nodded. "Yeah. I mean, we just talked for a little bit. But she doesn't act like she judges me. And when she left I felt better than I have in months."
"That's great, Jay. I'm so proud of you. You wanna go sit outside?"
I grinned at him. "Hell yeah."
We walked outside to the garden. Mom looked up at us. "Hi, Alex. I was just finishing up. Are you going to be out here for a bit?"
"Hi, Mrs. Galvin. We'll stay out for as long as Jadia wants."
Mom went inside and Alex and I laid down next to each other in a comfortable silence. "God, I miss being outside," I said. "I feel like I can feel my skin getting tan. I love it." I sat up and pulled off my long sleeve tee, leaving my tank top. I laid back down. Alex was staring at me. "What?" I asked.
"Nothing."
"Why are you staring at me?"
He shrugged. "I like looking at you. You're hot."
I blushed. "Stop trying to embarrass me."
He scoffed. "You embarrass too easy. And you suck at taking compliments."
"Yeah. Sorry. That's probably never going to change."
He rolled over and looked at me. "It's ok. I like that about you. That you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen and you still blush when someone tells you that you're pretty."
My face turned purple. "Christ Alex, now you're just trying to see what shade of red you can get me," I joked. But I felt my heart flutter when he said I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen.
"Jadia, look at me," he whispered. I turned to look at him and he leaned down and kissed me on the lips.
Holy shit.
It's not like I've never kissed Alex before. He did used to be my boyfriend. But it felt...different. it felt perfect.
He pulled away, staring into my eyes. "God, I missed that."
I grabbed the back of his head and brought it down to mine. He kissed me long and hard, and I eagerly kissed him back. After a minute he pulled up, breathless. "I feel like your mom is watching us."
I giggled. "She's probably in there planning our wedding. You know she wants us to end up together." He traced my jaw line with his finger. "That makes two of us," he murmured. I looked at him, surprised. "What do you mean?"
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