Full-Figured Vampire 1 - Real Vampires Have Curves

by Gerry Bartlett

  Blade looked around. "Are you alone?"

  "Yes, it's the slow time of night." I walked out from behind the counter. "Welcome to my shop, Mara." See? I can be gracious.

  "It is… quaint." Mara strolled over to finger a fifties cocktail dress. She was still in her tight jeans but had thrown on a leather jacket against the chilly evening air. "Good quality, but why on earth would anyone buy used clothes?"

  "You'd be surprised." I really liked that jacket she wore, talk about quality. "You ever want to clean out your closet, come see me. I pay a fair price."

  Mara's nose went up like she'd just caught a whiff of something nasty, like my lack of class. "I donate my castoffs to a worthy cause."

  "I'm glad you can afford to do that." I wasn't going to let her get to me. Of course she'd never had to work a day in her life. From privileged birth to wealthy husband. I glanced at Jerry. My own fault I hadn't snagged a rich husband of my own.

  "Mara, didn't you want to say something?"

  I swear Blade's stern voice had all the authority of a father chiding a naughty child. Mara's chin went up and she looked inclined to argue. Then she met Blade's gaze. Whoa. He was steamed with her. On account of me?

  "Gloriana, I apologize if I frightened you earlier. With the knife." Mara made it sound like I was a wimp who couldn't handle a little joke. "You know I wasn't really going to hurt you."

  "Do I? Know that?" Sure I was going to make her squirm. She didn't mean a word of what she'd just said and obviously just wanted to keep Blade happy. Did I want to keep Blade happy? Not enough to just roll over and accept this pseudoapology.

  "Gloriana, Mara's truly sorry." Blade had his hand on her arm. "Aren't you? And it won't happen again. Will it?"

  Mara winced and it was all I could do not to happy dance. Don't you love it when the good guys come out on top?

  "I understand that Jeremiah esteems you, Gloriana. And that if I want to stay with him, I must esteem you as well." Mara had her lady of the manor gig going.

  I could either keep resisting and sound like the low-born chit who'd played the Globe, or try on my own dignified lady of the manor act. Oh, what the hell.

  "Thank you, Mara. I accept your apology." I smiled at Blade. "Is this the only reason you came by?"

  "No, we have news." Blade let Mara go and moved closer to me. "We have a man inside who's willing to help us. With West wood."

  "That's great. What are you going to do? Poison Westwood?" I glanced at Mara. "Hit him from the air when he's vulnerable?"

  "I'm still working out the details." Blade frowned. "Poison seems like the coward's way out."

  Mara smiled. "Yes, it does. We want a fight. We want to stare into Westwood's eyes when the life leaves his body."

  "That may be your idea of fun, Mara, but if we can stop Westwood with something as simple as arsenic in his spaghetti, then I think we should do it. Before he kills again." I put my hand on Blade's arm. "I know you want a fight, Jerry, but think about all the people who are already on Westwood's hit list. Get this over with quickly. So we can go about our lives without looking over our shoulders constantly."

  "You have a good point, Gloriana." Blade leaned down to drop a kiss on my lips. "We must go. Mara and I are meeting our man tonight. I'll let you know what happens."

  "Great. Thanks." I watched them leave. And of course Mara couldn't resist sending me a hate-filled look over her shoulder. Once a bitch, always a bitch. Boy, did I need a distraction.

  "Hey, Harvey, Emmie Lou. Are you hanging around tonight?" Yep, I was that desperate for company. Valdez had practically danced around Blade the whole time he'd been here, but now he snoozed by the door. He looked at me for a moment, then went back to his nap. He was used to the spirits and obviously didn't see them as a danger so he ignored them unless objects started flying around the room.

  "Sure, honey. We're always hanging around." Emmie Lou materialized next to the designer scarves. "We just keep out of sight when you've got customers. Out of respect."

  "Well, thanks." I smiled.

  Harvey appeared next to the men's suits. "Can't believe that feller bought that polyester leisure suit today. Hell, you just wait till summer. Ain't nothin' hotter than polyester."

  "I'm sure you're right. But business is business." I stepped closer and glanced at Valdez. "Can you two come into the stockroom with me? I want to ask you something."

  "Sure, sweetpea." Emmie Lou twirled her skirt as she headed that way. "Harvey, shake a leg."

  "That woman's so dang bossy." Harvey glowered. "But I'm comin'."

  "Thanks." I followed them inside and shut the door. Valdez probably could hear us anyway, but I doubted he'd bother to listen. I wasn't planning to let Blade in on my concerns. I could handle this situation, if it was a situation. "I want to ask you about Ryan."

  "That youngun's got a screw loose." Harvey looked at Emmie. "Am I right?"

  "Sure are. Plays with bugs."

  I don't know what I expected, but bugs? "What do you mean?" I looked around. "We don't have bugs."

  "Sure do. There's one there in the corner. On the top shelf." Harvey nodded toward the metal shelving. "Cockroach the size of your thumb."

  I grabbed the can of Raid. I hate bugs. I'd insisted on an exterminator before I'd even considered this space. Yeah, yeah. I'm a blood-sucking vampire and I'm terrified of bugs. Go figure. I crept closer and could just see antennae peeking out from the top shelf. When I lifted my hand, it scuttled away. I aimed and sprayed, chasing it around the shelving until it didn't even twitch.

  "Ryan should have killed it. I'm not entertaining anybody's pet bugs." I wasn't getting near it. Disposing of the body would be a good job for bug boy when he came to work tomorrow evening.

  "Don't know, honey. All's we know is that he used to play with it every time he came into work. Talked to it too." Emmie Lou waved a hand over her face. "Can't you open that door? That stuff's not exactly Evening in Paris."

  "Right." I jerked open the door into the shop. I'd been trying to ignore the smell, but it was about to choke me.

  "You better get the spider too, while you got the can out." Harvey headed back into the store. "It nests right up here, next to that set of Shakespeare you bought off Miranda." Harvey gestured, then made a face. "Those books were a waste of money, if you ask me."

  Emmie Lou shook her head. "Harvey never did appreciate fine literature. His idea of a good read is a paperback Western."

  "And what's wrong with that? Zane Grey. Louis L'Amour. Geniuses."

  "You'd be surprised what a first edition Zane Grey goes for, Emmie." I'd enjoyed getting into old books along with the clothes. Of course that remark only fueled the fire and they started shouting at each other.

  I ignored Emmie Lou and Harvey as the argument escalated. Of course I had my own fond memories of Billy Shakespeare. I'd only done a few of his plays, but had worked my way through reading the rest of them over the years. I looked up at the shelf.

  A spider crouched on the edge. I shuddered. What would Billy say? "Out damn spot." Something like that. I crept up on it, can at the ready, but it scurried out of sight. I wasn't about to spray my books, so I figured I'd tell Ryan to kill the creepy crawly. I turned back to Harvey and Emmie. She was about to throw a crystal wine glass.

  "Stop!" I didn't think I could take it away from her. So I just looked at it until she put it back. "Thanks. Any more bugs?" I held the can out in front of me and scanned the room.

  "Ain't seen any." Harvey looked relieved to change the subject. "What's got you so riled? Those itty bitty things don't even bite. Why I remember the time I got caught in a bee hive. Now that's no treat, I can tell you."

  "I don't want bugs in my store. I know I wouldn't shop where there are roaches and spiders." Or where I found the screeching owner perched on the counter with a can of bug spray.

  "We'll keep our eyes open, honey. If we see any more, we'll let you know." Emmie gave Harvey a look. "Everybody's got phobias, Harvey. You got that thing abou
t Ferris wheels."

  "Now, Emmie, no need to bring up ancient history." Harvey looked embarrassed.

  "Can I ask you both a favor?"

  "Sure, honey." Emmie winked at me. "Harvey's ready for a subject change. Whatcha need?"

  "I need you both to watch Ryan when I'm not here. Just see if he does anything else strange or suspicious." As if playing with bugs wasn't strange enough. I put the spray back in the storeroom and looked out the open back door. The smell wasn't that bad, but it wasn't exactly the perfume Emmie Lou had mentioned either. Nope. The back door had to be locked and double bolted. Security first.

  "What do you think he's up to, Glory?" Emmie Lou came closer. "Stealing?"

  "No. I don't see any signs of that." I looked at both of them. "Have you let him see you? I didn't warn him about the two of you."

  "No. Lacy asked us not to. He's her boyfriend, you know. And we really like that girl, so we've kept out of sight." Emmie Lou frowned. "You think he's cheating on her?"

  "Now, Emmie, there you go again. Not every man's a cheater. I sure wasn't." Harvey ducked behind the suit rack when Emmie Lou whirled around.

  "So you say, Harvey Nutt. But there was that checker down at the Piggly Wiggly—"

  "I don't know what he's up to. Just watch him, okay? You can be my eyes and ears."

  "Like a detective." Harvey hitched up his pants. "We're your spies. You hear that, Emmie? We got us a job."

  "Yes." I smiled at him and a still fuming Emmie Lou. "Are you okay with that, Emmie Lou?"

  "Sure, honey. Anything for you. You've treated us real nice." Emmie cocked her head. "People comin'. Let's go, Harvey."

  They both vanished just as Valdez barked once and the door swung open. Damian, Flo and Richard Mainwaring pushed inside.

  Chapter Seventeen

  "I can't believe you sent my brother after me like I'm a foolish teenager, Glory." Flo's eyes glittered. "He humiliated me."

  "I did not." Damian grinned at me. "Caught the two lovebirds with their pants down. Learned a new position." He winked. "So the night's not a total loss."

  Richard Mainwaring glowered. At me, at Damian, even at Valdez. But when he looked at Flo, his face changed. He'd been bit by the love bug, for sure. A new position? I looked at Flo and she actually flushed.

  "Wait a minute. You're convinced this vampire isn't staking with a wooden cross?"

  "I would never do such a thing." Mainwaring looked down at Flo. "I confess I did feed from that goth a week or so ago. Didn't erase his memory." He shrugged. "Hey, he was going to have a story to tell his freak friends."

  "How generous of you." I liked the fact that Richard seemed to adore Flo, but he was just a little too casual about blending for my peace of mind. "What about the praying?"

  "I was a priest before I became vampire."

  "I cannot believe God wanted you to be celibate, Ricardo. A mistake." Flo held on to his arm.

  "Mistake or not. I always ask God's forgiveness when I feed from mortals." Mainwaring put his arm around Flo. "I feel like it's a sin, but I can't seem to stop."

  "Ricardo, it's in your nature. God made you so, God forgives you." Flo leaned against him.

  "Oh, please." Damian moved closer to me and I remembered to throw up my blocks. "God didn't make you, Mainwaring. Some other vampire did. Centuries ago."

  "Damian, be nice. Ricardo and I are in love. Deal with it."

  "Florence, I can handle your brother." Mainwaring moved Flo away from him. "You want to take this outside, Sabatini? See who's stronger?"

  "If I have to kill you, my sister will be mad at me. And if you accidentally kill me, Florence will never forgive you. Am I right?" Damian looked at Flo. When she seemed inclined to think it over, Damian shook his head. "Save your strength for our enemies. If you're not staking other vampires with a cross, then we're back to square one."

  A customer pushed open the door, took one glance at our group which practically vibrated with hostility and stepped back outside.

  "Wait!" I ran after her. "Come in. These folks were just leaving. Right, guys?" I pushed Damian out the door. I thought for about half a second about doing the same with Mainwaring, but the hard look in his eyes nipped that idea in the bud. "Come back. We should have more Halloween costumes next week."

  Mainwaring and Flo stepped outside, stopping beside the keypad and obviously heading upstairs to our apartment.

  Damian held open the shop door and, with a charming smile, bowed to the female customer.

  "Please, lovely lady, come in and look through the merchandise. You will love this store."

  The woman flushed and stepped inside.

  Damian leaned close to me and whispered, "B positive, yum."

  "Good night, Damian." I nodded toward the door then turned to the customer. Damian stood there a moment. I could smell him, vampire, male. Not unpleasant unless I associated those things with his bad habits. The virtual sex had been hot, but had been a sleazy thing to do. I turned and let him read my disgust.

  Damian grimaced, the bells tinkled and he was gone. I got into helping my new customer, but I couldn't totally relax. Flo and Valdez may have decided to trust Mainwaring's word, but I wasn't convinced. He'd sent those hate messages at church. Strong enough that Flo had noticed and hustled us out of there. Strong enough to motivate him to kill fellow vamps? I shivered and looked up at the ceiling. I hoped my instincts were wrong. If they weren't, my roomie was in big trouble. No, make that danger.

  "I couldn't do it, Glory." Lacy prowled the shop like a caged tiger.

  "He wouldn't get in the shower?" I was learning way more about Lacy's sex life than I wanted to, but I had a nagging feeling my security was at stake. Oops. At stake. Gee, I hate vampire jokes.

  "Of course." Lacy flushed. "He's got a great body, absolutely nothing to be ashamed of on his part. So we're in the shower, the water's just right, but I just couldn't make myself read his thoughts. Ryan's insisted he's not put off by my flat butt, but what if he hates it?"

  A flat butt, what a body issue. I didn't have to look back to know my own butt was asstronomical.

  "So what about after the shower? When you got dressed? Couldn't you take a chance and read his mind then?"

  "I got up my nerve and reached for his glasses, but he got all antsy. Had to go, early class, a bunch of excuses that a few minutes before hadn't existed. I'm afraid he's got another girlfriend. One with a nice ass like yours." Lacy was still pacing.

  Have I mentioned how much I love Lacy? "Come back into the storeroom with me." Valdez still snoozed by the door. In the hours just before dawn, we were never busy. I should probably close, but it gave me time to catch up on paperwork.

  Lacy plopped on a chair in the storeroom. "It smells funny in here."

  "Bug spray." I nodded toward the shelf. "Ryan ever talk about his bug fetish?"

  "What?" She sat up straight. "That's ridiculous. He's not into bugs." She looked thoughtful. "Though I have to admit he's got a hard-on for old comic books about superheroes that I find a little weird. Did you know there's a vampire hunter named Blade in one series?"

  "Lacy, concentrate here. You want to know why Ryan's acting funny about his glasses. You want to know if he has another girlfriend. And I think his glasses are keeping us from reading his mind. They're so thick."

  "Maybe they are blocking us." Lacy got a gleam in her eyes. "Do you think we can work together to get them off him? I would like to know about that girlfriend situation. I haven't used my cat strength on him yet, but he does work out."

  "I can hold him long enough for you to get his glasses off, then I'll try to do the whammy. If I can get him under, we can ask him all the questions we want. And I'll be able to read his mind. So will you."

  "Why do you want to read his mind?"

  "I told you. It's just a funny feeling I've got. We needed help in the shop and you immediately met Ryan who's perfect for it. Coincidence?"

  "Stranger things have happened. I call it synchronicity. The universe
provided Ryan just when we needed him—a lover for me and a clerk for you." Lacy winced. "You're right. I've lived too long to believe in coincidences. But I really think Ryan's legit. He's a great salesman." She sighed. "He's sure sold me."

  "Obviously. And I hope you're right, Lacy. But since we both have questions, I think we need to take a shot at reading his mind." Now I felt guilty. I'd gotten Lacy worked up and I had absolutely no proof that Ryan was anything but a lucky hire for me.

  "What if it doesn't work? What if he gets mad at us?" Lacy's eyes filled. "I love him, Glory."

  "We blame me. I'm a crazed woman, determined to give him a makeover. Have to see what he looks like without his glasses."

  Lacy giggled. "Yep, I think that'll play. He likes you, but he does wonder about some of your friends."

  "I wonder about some of my friends. So what do you say? Are you in? Do we take down Ryan together?"

  "Sure. When is this intervention going to take place?"

  "Monday. When we're closed. Tell him I've got another commission check for him. About nine o'clock here in the shop."

  "That's still a few days away. In the meantime, I'll keep working on those glasses. I hate to see us use violence."

  I patted Lacy's shoulder. She was a little bony. "I'm sure it's just my raging paranoia. Ryan's probably fine, just into a few weird hobbies."

  "I hope you're right. I can deal with bugs and graphic novels. But if he's cheating… He swears we're exclusive, but he's been out of pocket a few evenings and gave me vague excuses." Lacy slid off the stool and walked to the door. "Damn it. I'm freaking out. I'm going hunting before I relieve you here. See you in a few."

  I watched her snarl at Valdez, who didn't even bother to look up, then she was gone. An intervention. I glanced up at the shelf where the cockroach still sat in a puddle of spray. Maybe I'd get some answers to questions I wasn't even sure I had.

  "Are we going to church tonight, Flo?" I was still in my robe and lounging on the love seat while sipping my wake-up Bloody Merry.

  "I asked Ricardo to take us. Do you mind?" Flo was brushing out her long dark hair.