Rainbow Gap

by Lee Lynch

  Lari leaned on the counter in silence a while. “I came out with a girl on the high school swim team.”

  “You played a sport?”

  “Hell, no. Sports? I met her in the locker room after the stupid phys ed class they made us take.”

  Jaudon scoffed. “PE’s my favorite class. I’m taking fencing this term.” She jumped and lunged toward Lari, her arm the sword. “When I pull the mask down over my face, I can be anybody.”

  “You can have their games. I could care less.”

  Lights shone into the hangar and a car pulled up. Jaudon ran for a six-pack of beer and a bag of pork rinds. Two more customers arrived, one looking for milk and a box of animal crackers; the next wanted hard liquor, which they weren’t licensed to sell. Was he a cop testing her? The secret hooch stock was Pops’s responsibility and his alone; sales were by referral only.

  “Why are you watching every move I make?” she asked Lari, although she found the attention flattering. She was at the top of the store’s tallest ladder, changing out a lightbulb.

  Lari called up, “It’s a free country.”

  “I haven’t heard that phrase since third grade.” Lari was downright childish at times.

  “Doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

  “Quit your pouting. You’d think I was trying to cut you down. You going to answer my question?”

  “You’re unique. I like unique.”

  Keeping time to a song on the jazz station, Jaudon wheeled a handcart filled with stock out on the floor. She was proud of her strong thighs and muscular arms. As she brought the cart to the back office, she remembered dancing with Lari at the bar. What could she learn, making love with a different woman? Her heart sped up and her breathing changed. She shut the idea out of her mind. She blamed Jack Teagarden’s trombone, bluesy and buoyant at the same time. The big bands always stirred the cornball romantic inside her.

  Lari grabbed Jaudon’s hand and yanked her to the storage area next to the office. Backed up against the dry goods, Lari drew Jaudon to her until they were too close not to kiss.

  “Stop it.” She shoved back from Lari before their lips touched.

  Lari hung on, eyes fixed on Jaudon’s mouth, lips parted and appealing, hips moving suggestively to the music.

  Jaudon’s sense of right and wrong rolled over and died. She wanted her hand in Lari’s britches as soon as Lari undid her own big belt buckle. Jaudon reached down and eased her fingers to the pliant, plumped up part of Lari, beside herself with lust for this stranger who wanted her and who quickly reacted to her touch by digging her fingernails into Jaudon’s shoulders.

  Jaudon didn’t know herself. Shame joined desire. What about the store? What about Berry? Jiminy, heck, darn, where did this come from?

  “More,” whispered Lari. Jaudon was trying to comply when Lari pushed her away with such force Jaudon crashed against a stack of boxed cereal and saw the tower land on Momma’s shoulders and head, knocking off her glasses.

  From the concrete where Jaudon stopped her fall with the heel of her hand, she watched the second row of cereal topple. Momma scuttled to the office. Lari’s britches were buttoned and she was working on her belt. Jaudon levered herself up along the doorjamb with her other hand. Momma thumped her purse on the desk and tied on an apron with the store’s picture printed on it.

  “You are not my daughter,” Momma intoned. “You are not my employee. From this moment, you are not welcome on my property. Any of it.”

  “But, Momma—”

  Momma turned to wait on a VW idling in the lane. As she dug under the counter for a pack of cigarettes, she spat, “Out, Daughter. Out this minute. I’m ashamed I gave you my family name.”

  Lari slunk past Momma and disappeared into the dark night in her fancy sports car. Lari didn’t offer to drive her anywhere. Better this way, Jaudon thought. Who knew where they’d end up? Berry was at the library studying for another two hours—no way to get hold of her. Momma wouldn’t hesitate to bring someone in to finish the shift. If Momma saw her waiting around, would she call the cops?

  From the hangar’s doorway she hollered, “Let me talk to you.”

  Momma turned her back to Jaudon.

  “I know I did wrong in there,” she called.

  “That’s your howdy-do.”

  Momma picked up the phone. Whoever she was dialing, it wouldn’t be great news for Jaudon. Her own mother ought to at least listen to her side.

  “Momma,” she keened one last time before she wormed out of sight behind the store. When Berry came for her she’d flag her down before Momma saw the van.

  There was no option but to tell Berry, and tell her tonight. It was a mistake she’d never repeat. She wasn’t sure what happened to her in there, but those Ten Commandments Berry talked about didn’t give such terrible advice after all.

  She wiped sweat from her face and realized her fingers smelled like Lari. Where would she get soap and water? There was a gas station out on the highway. She hiked until she spotted a van racing toward her. Berry? What the heck?

  She stepped into the street and waved.

  Berry braked. “What happened?”

  She picked up a handful of dirt and scrubbed with it as she walked to the passenger side. She opened the door, but didn’t go in and averted her eyes from Berry.

  “Are you all right?” asked Berry. “Your momma called the college and they paged me. She told me to get out here quick to cover your shift.”

  “I made a mistake,” she told Berry. “A big one, but I’m not injured or anything. You better go on to the Bay and do what Momma says. Once she’s gone, I’ll come in and talk to you.”

  She was taking a chance Momma would be too ill at ease to describe to Berry what she saw, but Momma did have that vicious streak. She hoped Momma’s agitation would be stronger than her wicked side and she’d keep her mouth shut up.

  *

  Momma didn’t blab. Jaudon told Berry the whole story baldly, rapid-fire, softening nothing and laying the blame on herself. As she spoke, they worked to fill the shelves, count the till, cut the lights, and close the store for the night. She jumped at the sound of any car, ready to flee if Momma came back. When she finished speaking, tears rose up in her eyes and, one by one, fell like the errant spatter of a perpetual fountain.

  Berry was confused. Or jealous. No, hurt. Jaudon had broken an unspoken covenant they had. She didn’t know what to say, what to do. Her mind repeated and repeated, But Ma and Pa left me too.

  They sat in the van after closing the store and she wanted to be home, lying in Jaudon’s arms, but Jaudon had scarred her heart, why seek comfort from her? Because it was always Jaudon who comforted her. Always Jaudon for anything she needed.

  She should be angry. She should threaten…what, a breakup? She didn’t want to break up, she wanted everything to be the way it was before tonight. It was crystal-clear that if her loved ones abandoned her, it was her own fault.

  “Oh, Jaudon. What did I do? We were so perfect.” She tried not to cry, as she always tried not to cry.

  “You?” said Jaudon. “You didn’t do a thing. This is every bit on me. Don’t be brave, Berry. Go ahead and cry too. I did a terrible thing and I know it.” She was horribly regretful. “I don’t know why I did it. Lari is nothing to me. She’s pesty, to tell you the truth, and she smells funny.”

  She knew Jaudon’s transgression didn’t deserve an extravagant response, but she did cry, over at the far side of the passenger seat. Whatever emotional dressing she wore over the gash left by her parents was ripped away and she was bleeding tears.

  Berry started the van when Jaudon said, “I need you to move us. I don’t want Momma calling the cops if she sees me here. She doesn’t want me on any property she owns. Where can I go? ”

  “Go back to yesterday. Undo it all.”

  “I wish. I hate myself.” She could hardly breathe from crying so hard. “I might as well be a wild animal. I never wanted to be hot and bothered about someone o
ther than you. It’s bad enough I look like I do, but to act like what Lari called me—a gorilla? I belong in a zoo.”

  Without thinking about it, Berry drove to the Cloud Christian parking lot, both of them wordless through the warm, dark streets.

  Jaudon’s guilty hand, scoured in dirt, hung swollen and heavy outside the window. She wished some speeding semi would tear it off her arm.

  Berry was too torn up to think. Jaudon needed her. They had to figure it out together. Or perhaps she shouldn’t take it on at all, given what Jaudon did. There was no guarantee she wouldn’t do it again; Jaudon might truly be sick in the head or damaged. How would they know?

  It was the time of night frogs kick up a fuss. Normally she loved their songs. Not tonight. Thousands of them joined together with their guttural or shrill or sharp or lazy croaking. The galling sound assaulted Berry’s ears.

  “Say something, Berry.” She loved this girl with her quiet, thoughtful ways, such a contrast to her own loud, gravelly voice and rough manner.

  “Make them stop! Shut them up,” Berry pleaded. Her hands were over her ears, but she was trapped inside an echo chamber with the singing frogs and this abrupt, searing heart and soul pain.

  “Shut who up?” Jaudon looked out the windows. “No one’s out there, Berry. You’re scaring me. Calm down, would you?”

  Berry turned on her. “Calm down? You want everything to be sweetness and light after your mother had to stop you from acting worse? How could you do such a thing? How can I ever trust you again?”

  The frogs went silent, waited a moment to break into a cacophony that seemed twice as loud. Berry’s head felt hot enough to light a fire. She was thinking of Eddie Dill’s gun, hidden in her room, and how she wanted to use it on Lari.

  Jaudon never saw Berry so soppin’ mad before. It made her think about walking away, walking away from everything. “What good is love when it can scorch and burn like napalm?” she asked.

  Berry’s anger settled in her belly, sickening her. She needed Pepto Bismol formulated for fury.

  Jaudon realized they were bombing each other with words. She stopped speaking, taking a break from their storm. Ahead, the moon was caught atop some branches, a balloon about to puncture. The parking lot was empty of people, and Jaudon knew they better get out of there before security came by.

  Berry pleaded with the Great Spirit for a sign, a direction, a hint. She was lost in a wilderness of new emotions. “What are you going to do?” she asked Jaudon.

  Berry’s word—you not we—reverberated within Jaudon’s head like a death sentence.

  “Do?”

  “I won’t let Gran get evicted,” said Berry.

  “Why would Momma evict her?”

  “Same reason she’ll make you and me leave.”

  “She’s not kicking you out. You didn’t do anything.”

  Berry sounded cynical and world-weary to Jaudon. “The woman made it perfectly clear she doesn’t care for what we are to each other.”

  “Momma doesn’t know about us.”

  “You mean before tonight.”

  “Why would she call you in to work if she fired me?”

  “You know she can be meaner than a snake.”

  “It doesn’t make sense, Berry.”

  “One way she’s punishing you, pure and simple, is by favoring me over you and tattling on you. Why else have me paged at school?”

  “Punishing should be your job.”

  Jaudon held her gaze and Berry saw the sadness there, the regret and self-blame. She bowed her head and imagined her anger burning out, an incendiary consuming its own fuel.

  “Oh, Jaudon. I guess you’re no more than human. Lari is too, for wanting you. Isn’t hurting me the worst possible punishment?”

  “You know it is, Berry. There is nothing on the face of this earth so scalding as thinking of the suffering I brought on you. If we could be married in the eyes of the law, I’d promise to be faithful till the end of time.”

  “I’m not sure I care to be married to you after this, Jaudon.”

  “I swear it, Berry. I will always be faithful to you. I can’t believe what I risked. I promise. I—wait. What did you say?”

  Berry wouldn’t be over this anytime soon. “Are we too young to be making such promises, Jaudon? Do you need some wild oats time? I hope not, since I don’t guarantee my survival.”

  “Berry, you’re my wild oats, my settling down, my everything.”

  Berry looked sideways at her. She wasn’t smiling. “Let me go see what I can do about your momma taking away our home. As if I’d take her side against you. Maybe your pops will volunteer to talk to her for us.”

  As she drove toward Momma and Pops’s house, Jaudon imagined Berry’s thoughts in a dark swirl above her head.

  Which was how they seemed to Berry: dense, sticky confusions where she needed calm. Anger, disgust, disappointment. Her best tool was prayer so she prayed for the grace she’d need to forgive Jaudon, her Jaudon, and the strength to keep loving her. She understood Jaudon was different, almost like boys were different from girls in behaving themselves. In truth, it had nothing to do with Berry, it came from some loveless urge Jaudon needed to control. If she was able. That’s where the fear came in. Berry wasn’t going to live this way even for Jaudon.

  It was late to be visiting, but the big brick house was lit up, like Momma couldn’t spend her money fast enough.

  Winter blooming sweet peas were planted along the edge of the lawn—what did the Vickers need with a lawn. Sweet peas were flowering so profusely Berry feared she would never smell that fragrance again without evoking this terrible night.

  Berry rang the bell and, despite the late hour, Pops Vicker’s voice boomed out, “Come on in.”

  She peered into the overdecorated, overstuffed living room. Momma must have been impressed by Gran’s plants, because she had huge planters: an indoor tree, a snake plant, and another with oversized sharp leaves she’d only seen at the dentist’s office. She went into the den, where Jaudon’s father was in his favorite worn recliner, a sweating beer can beside him and the TV weather reporting highs, lows, drought, and the high dry winds that fed fires. Berry bent to give him a kiss on the top of his head and smiled—she bet Mrs. Vicker wanted to replace Pops’s ratty chair something awful, but it appeared that Pops stood his ground and banned plants from this room as well.

  “We were expecting you,” he told her. “I hear Daughter got herself into a speck of trouble with some girl. Her momma is burned up. She always swore Jaudon was off in the head or body and I’ve been telling her for twenty years she’s ours, we made her, and whatever her nature, it’s our job to love her harder than ever. I bet you agree. So don’t worry your lovely head about Momma’s fool ideas, I’ll take care of her. If my daughter’s outside, tell her to get her tail in here. I want to give her a big hug.”

  Berry hadn’t said a word, but she gave Pops a hug herself before sending Jaudon in.

  Jaudon trembled as Pops banged his recliner down and reached for her. She flinched.

  Pops mashed her to him. “Daughter, your momma’s going to come around. Leave it to me. She can run a business like a thoroughbred runs a race, but when it comes to understanding human nature she’s a dumb Dora. Go on home, home is where you need to be, but if I ever hear you stepping out on Berry again, I’ll come after you with my spanking belt.”

  She cried in his arms. “What’s wrong with me, Pops?”

  “Not a thing, baby girl, not a thing that isn’t wrong with every human on earth. Every one of us is a bit better and a bit worse. Take care of your own, you hear? Life’s going to throw enough curveballs at you without you bringing trouble down on yourself.”

  He wasn’t answering her question, but she knew why: Pops had no idea how she got to be the way she was. She needed to know if her response to Lari was related to her boy body, her bold facial features, her heavy blond eyebrows, her preference for, say, gadgets over ruffles, and her refusal to wear one of th
ose tight bra things.

  She turned to leave. Momma stood in the doorway, arms folded.

  “Daughter? Have you apologized to Berry Garland?”

  “I have.” As comforting as Pops was, that’s how petrifying she found Momma.

  “I hope I put the fear of God in you. I don’t know what you see in that rank woman in black. If I ever hear of you hurting Berry again, or if I find out you’re carrying on in my store, driving away customers, Daughter, I will take away everything I ever gave you. As it is, I’m docking you a week’s pay. I expect losing income will make an impression.”

  She wasn’t able to look away from Momma.

  “I hear what the customers say about you, Jaudon Vicker, how they avoid the store where the strange girl works. I’m not telling you Berry’s too good for my own daughter, and I do not approve of these goings-on, but you’re darned lucky to have her affections, such as they may be between young girls. If there isn’t going to be a man in your future, I can’t hope for a more decent match for you, so I want to see you work to keep the girl, not throw her away.”

  She found herself in the van as if she was blown there by a funneling windstorm. She was by turns enraged and relieved. Berry drove.

  “I’m so, so sorry, Berry.”

  “At least one positive result came of it: we’re out in the open.”

  “Yeah, I’ll write Lari a thank-you note.”

  Berry pushed at her thigh. “You’re such a card.” Berry was smiling, a wavery, brave smile.

  “You’re saying you’ll try to forgive me?” Jaudon asked.

  “It’s painful being upended like this. I’ll work toward forgiveness, but you’d better sleep in your bed for a while. And swear to me you’ll never again do anything to crush me like you did tonight.”

  “I do swear. I swear with all my heart and soul. I’ll sleep in the tree house if you want. I’ll do anything to stop your pain.”

  She couldn’t look at Jaudon. “Just give me some time.”

  Chapter Eleven

  It seemed every day brought some new crisis into Jaudon’s life.