Evermore

by Brenda Pandos

  Fin parked and walked around to my side, opening my door.

  “Come on, my Ginger Girl.” He slid his arm around my waist. “Let’s get you inside.”

  His warm touch felt wrong, and I recoiled.

  “Congratulations!” one of the movers called while waving.

  Fin turned, and waved back, embarrassed. “Thanks.”

  I used the opportunity to pivot my hips and slide out of the Jeep. The sharp rocks met the soles of my feet upon impact.

  “I’ve got you.” He tried to grab onto me again.

  “Stop!” I yanked up the blanket. “I’m fine!”

  He lifted his hands and stumbled backward.

  Hugging the blanket tightly to myself, I walked on weakened legs toward the cottage complete with a picket fence, the white-trimmed windows and the red heart at the peak of the roof — the epitome of cuteness. I hated it.

  “I want to carry you—”

  I pushed him away. “No.”

  “Ash.”

  “Just let me deal with this, Fin!”

  He clenched his jaw and stood stiffly. “I know you want to. You’re not alone in your pain.”

  I turned to him, eyes hard. “How could you say that? It wasn’t you that was taken. It wasn’t you that…” watched our child die. A sob lodged in my throat. Maybe sleeping through the pain was the answer.

  “The nurse told me.”

  I swallowed down the lump threatening to choke me. “Told you what?”

  “About our son.”

  My nails bit into my arms, piercing the skin, while I poised my legs to run. I’d hoped the pain would distract the ache inside my heart. It didn’t work. My body only grew tired from the strain of standing.

  Fin steadied me. “Come on inside.”

  This time, I didn’t fight him as he led me over the threshold and into a house that rivaled magazines, but I wanted nothing of it. It all reminded me of Joey, and I’d give it all back just to have our son in my arms.

  Fin quickly took down WELCOME HOME signs and helped me down the hall. The closest door was cracked open. Fin reached over to pull it shut, but not before I spotted a crib.

  “The bathroom is down here.” He led me inside and started the water. My eyed drifted to my reflection. Stringing hair matted with pearls and gems hung haphazard around sunken eyes and gaunt skin, illuminated by the necklace Alaster had put on me. Death warmed over.

  Fin worked to undo the buttons on the back of my gown, one by dreaded one. I’d dreamed of a moment when his fingers would help remove this dress before he made love to me, not like this, not when I wanted to burn it.

  “What’s this?” he asked as he tried to remove the necklace.

  I reached up and grabbed a hold of the metal. “Leave it.”

  He didn’t fight me, only lifted the remains of the dress over my head. Then he helped me into the shower to the stone seat.

  The hot water pelted my skin as the blood swirled down the drain. He lovingly removed the pins from my hair, then lathered it with shampoo, then conditioner. I didn’t have the strength to fight him.

  Though I would have loved to have just stayed in there, crying, until the water ran cold, he turned it off, wrapped me in a towel, and led me to our bed.

  “Are you hungry?” he asked as he tugged a T-shirt over my head.

  Fin’s scent enveloped me, and I wanted it off. I didn’t deserve his love, or attention. In fact, I never wanted to move, let alone eat again. “No.”

  “I’ll be back. Just rest.” He kissed my cheek, and I heard the door softly shut along with the door to my heart.

  I slid to the floor, then curled up in the corner, rocking my body back and forth. I’d never allow anyone in again — this hurt way too much.

  FORTY-SIX – FIN – June 11 – 5:46 p.m.

  I picked up what remained of Ash’s wedding dress off the bathroom floor, and marched outside to the garbage. Cussing, I threw it away. And then I kicked the garbage can, before smashing my fist into the side, making a dent in the plastic.

  “Son of a—!” I’d let it happen. All of it. We’d lost our son because of my stupidity.

  Glancing at our bedroom window, then at my parents’ house, I was thankful no one came out to greet us. Though I knew I should find out what had happened, I wouldn’t leave her alone again like I’d promised her I wouldn’t.

  “Fin!” Tatiana ran off the porch, still wearing her bridesmaid dress, carrying Nicole in her hands. “Did you find her?”

  “Yes,” I said unenthusiastically.

  “Is she okay?” Tatiana’s face wrinkled in confusion. “What happened?”

  “No, she’s not okay,” I said brusquely. “She lost the baby.”

  “What?” Tatiana shrieked, and just stood there, mouth ajar. Then she pushed past me to get inside. “I need to see her.”

  “No.” I grabbed onto her arm. “She doesn’t want to see anyone, and don’t take this the wrong way, but especially not you and Nicole!”

  Tatiana’s eyes welled with tears. “Why not?”

  “She’s been traumatized, and…” I gestured to the merling, who sat in her arms, sucking her thumb.

  “Oh, right.” Her shoulders fell. “This is horrible. Does she need her mom?”

  I wrinkled my brow, not sure if she meant Desirée or Karen. “She has me, and that’s good enough.” I paused. “Wait. What do her parents think happened?”

  “That the wedding went off without a hitch and you two went on your honeymoon.”

  “Really?” My eyebrows rose. “And what about Lucy?”

  Tatiana shrugged. “She’s fine, too, I guess…”

  I pressed my palm to my forehead. “I don’t get how they got in and out with no one seeing them. It was like they timed it perfectly when no mers were around.”

  “We were all distracted.” Tatiana’s gaze drifted off toward the movers. A tear trickled down her cheek. “I should have listened to Ash and kept things small, especially with the baby coming.”

  “It’s not your fault…” it’s mine.

  Tatiana put her arm around my shoulder. “What happened?”

  I blew out a breath and quickly explained what the research company was doing, and how Jacob, Jax, and Colin were cleaning up the mess.

  Tatiana’s eyes grew. “Are they going to be okay?

  “Yeah. They’ll be fine.”

  Tatiana wiped away her tears. “I’m so sorry, Fin. What can I do to help?”

  “Where are Mom and Dad?”

  “They took Dad to Natatoria to be put in irons in the square. Mom followed.” She pressed her eyes shut for a moment. “I didn’t go back so I could be here when you and Jacob returned. I had to know what happened to Ash.”

  I pulled out my phone, then pocketed it, remembering that none of the guys had one. “They’ll be back soon, but I gotta go.”

  “I don’t know what to do.”

  “You think I know what to do?” I barked.

  Something crashed inside, and I looked at the cottage, then I took off running.

  “Fin, where are you going?”

  I bolted inside and ran to the bedroom. Glass from the mirror lay in broken fragments all over the floor. Ash was in the bathroom, arms shaking, blood dripping from her fingers as she held a shard of broken glass.

  “What are you doing?”

  She looked up at me, eyes glazed over. “Don’t stop me. I want to be human.”

  Her hand tightened and the blood poured onto the floor.

  “What? No!” I lunged for her, fighting over the shard of glass. Eventually, I was able to wrangle it from her hands. It toppled to the floor and shattered.

  “Stop it!” Ash fought me weakly, trying to reach for another.

  I grabbed onto her and shook her. “What are you doing?”

  She sucked in a tortured breath, her eyes terrified. I blinked at her, then hugged her tight. “I’m sorry.”

  “Ash?” my sister called from down the hall. “What’s going on?”


  “I’ve got things handled.” Footsteps came closer, raising the hackles on my neck. “Go home, Tatiana!”

  “What’s going on?” she asked.

  At Nicole’s wail, I screamed at my sister. “Get out of my house!”

  “Mother of Pearl, I’m going!” Within seconds, the door slammed.

  Ash pushed me away and turned her cheek. “I’m hideous. Don’t look at me.”

  “Ash, please. Listen to me.”

  Her fierce glare zeroed in on me. “No, you listen! I’m done! I can’t live this life! Always looking over my shoulder! Never knowing who’s my friend or enemy! Not having the power to defend myself! Not even being able to trust the man I love!”

  I pulled back, wounded. She was right. I’d betrayed her to the point of ultimately failing her, time and time again.

  “You mind-mojoed my mother, and that’s who I was doing all of this for!”

  I didn’t know what to say, paralyzed with guilt and regret. The desire to apologize pulled at my lips, but how do you say sorry for this? Our son was gone and it was my fault. I couldn’t do anything right.

  Her sunken eyes narrowed on me. “You may have stopped me, but I’ll do it later. I can’t live with this pain. I need this to go away!”

  I leaned against the wall, defeated. “You think you’re the only one hurting?”

  Her chin lifted. “I don’t deserve you.”

  “You’re wrong. I don’t deserve you. And none of this was your fault, you hear me? And I get it—”

  “Get what?” Her voice shook. “You didn’t see him slide out of you, see his red hair… see him die!”

  The knife dug into my soul, and I no longer wanted to live either, to know every day that I’d failed her and our son, to see the condemnation in her eyes. I’d ruined everything.

  A tear trickled down my cheek.

  Her mouth turned in an ugly hard line. “I want the pain to be gone, the memories gone! If I’m human again, I’ll forget it all. Swim for the Olympics. Go to college. Have the life Alaster stole from me.”

  My eyes lost focus. Maybe this is what I deserved? A life without Ash, without love.

  “Fine.” I took a shard of glass off the ground and held it out to her. “Do it.”

  Her eyes rounded. “What?”

  “You’re right. This is too much.” My hand shook, holding the glass shard as it cut into me, the blood dripping onto the floor between us. “I’ll revive you, then I’ll no longer be in your life.”

  Her lip quivered.

  “If you get to end things, then I will too,” I continued.

  She furrowed her brow. “But you don’t have anyone to revive you.”

  I lifted my shoulder. “Why does it matter? You won’t remember me anyway.”

  I knew it was cruel, but it was honest.

  She batted the tears falling off of her cheeks with the back of her hand, smearing blood on her face. “No, Fin.”

  My tears fell free, unrestrained. “It’s fine. Just do it.”

  She knocked the shard out of my hand and lunged for me. Her arms squeezed around my neck as the silent sobs wracked her body.

  Then she pulled away. “I can’t live without you.”

  Her lip quivered, and she let out a strangled whimper, then she put her palms on my jaw. Her trembling lips covered mine, soft at first, then more passionate. Our tears mixed on our lips as our kiss ripped open the rawness hiding inside, at the sadness pouring from the gaping hole. We pressed ourselves against one another, heart to heart, holding and hurting, groaning and pressing. Our bodies hungered for the other to take away the pain, and put the broken pieces together, at just a chance to make things right.

  “I’m just so sorry,” I begged. “Please… I’m just so sorry.”

  “I am, too,” she whispered.

  Then I felt something in my soul settle, a peace I hadn’t felt before, and Ash’s body relaxed into mine. A hope that we could survive this. That we just had to get through the worst of it together.

  I crushed her to me, rocking her gently, as we grieved the loss of our son.

  FORTY-SEVEN – ASH – June 12 – 8:34 a.m.

  Staring off toward the lake, I sat on the lounge in the enclosed patio where I’d stayed the entire night, watching the sunlight dance on the water. I’d faked I was sleeping so Fin would give me a moments peace.

  My fingers traced the lighted necklace. I’d put it back on after I couldn’t sleep so I could shift into my legs. Though I hated that it reminded me of Alaster, with it I could avoid the thing I started to loathe most — my tail.

  After we had realized we couldn’t live without one another, we curled up together in our pool. I’d had every intention of staying in his arms the entire time, but every time I closed my eyes, the nightmares began. I had to escape the suffocating guilt that I’d kept my abductor a secret, terrified how Fin would react. I needed time. I needed to think.

  It didn’t help that my breasts ached with the need of a child to the point I had to express them or suffer a soaked T-shirt. I wondered how long it would take before they dried up.

  Fin had begged me to see Pearl, but I refused. There was nothing physically wrong with me, and I didn’t need any more pity. Being subjected to his was enough.

  I took out my sketchbook and began to absently draw, red hair and a pink button nose, the child I’d never know. I missed him with a pain so great it took away my very breath, of dreams hatched that would never be fulfilled, of a joy robbed from the depths of my soul. I didn’t know how I’d ever recover.

  The light on my neck suddenly flickered and went out. I yanked it off and tapped it. Nothing. Inspecting the edges, I noticed a screw. Maybe it just needed more batteries.

  Conversation in the house drew my attention away, and I padded across the patio tiles to listen.

  “Colin returned and told Desirée that the humans know mers exist and their blood cures disease, and that we can never go on land again, which unfortunately Jax said is the truth.” Galadriel frowned. “She’s freaking out and wants all mers to return home, meaning you two.”

  My hackles rose. That dirty jackfish’s father was the one exposing the mer, not us. Was that their plan all along? To create a catastrophe so big and pin it on us that the mer would be frightened into submission? That by schmoozing up to my mother and charming Garnet was nothing but a power grab. Did they even know Alaster was alive?

  “I’m not going anywhere, especially with the state Ash is in,” Fin said.

  You bet I’m not leaving.

  “Well, then, you should hide, or go somewhere, because there are two guards waiting on the dock to come get you if I’m unsuccessful,” Galadriel warned.

  “Let ‘em come,” Fin said, voice clipped. “I’d love to send them home with a message to my mother-in-law.”

  “Fin,” Galadriel whined. “This isn’t a joke. Mother has kicked out the Council members who’d approved of the wedding. They’ve clamped down on everyone and everything, demanding we return to our old ways, and things don’t look good for your dad.”

  Fin cussed. “Do you think I don’t know that? What am I going to do? Defend him? I’m just as much to blame. Desirée most likely is looking the other way because I’m her daughter’s mate, but Ash can’t be expected to leave.”

  “Well, I don’t think you have a choice. And with Colin and Garnet expecting, whispers of coronation are stirring.”

  I covered my lips with my fingers.

  “No.” Fin sounded shocked. “When did they get promised?”

  “They have been this entire time, hiding their marks with flesh toned bands.” She let out a sigh. “It’s a disaster.”

  My stomach rolled over. Colin? King? I gritted my teeth. Over my dead body. If anyone, Fin should be King, considering… but I didn’t want to be Queen. Sadness rolled over me, and I gripped the wall to keep from smashing it with my fist. It was like I kept forgetting the loss of my son, then remembering over and over again, and now I’d
lose my freedom, too.

  “I’m concerned what Ash would do if we forced her to come home—” Fin started.

  I burst into the living area. “I can make decisions for myself.”

  “Ash.” Fin turned toward me, face ashen. “You’re awake.”

  Galadriel rushed me with a hug. “Oh, my dear darling. I’m so glad to see you. I’m so sorry.”

  I let out a measured breath, forcing myself to accept her condolences as kindness and not pity. “Thank you, but what’s this about having to return to Natatoria? I’ll die first before I bow to that son of a bass.”

  Galadriel chuckled nervously. “Well, considering how everything is lining up, you might have to die, or run…” she looked over her shoulder at the dock through the windows, “like now.”

  Fin gripped my hand. “We’re not going anywhere.”

  My eyes lost focus. I was in no mood to leave in my weakened condition. Of course having the lighted necklace would make things easier. But if we ran, they’d just hunt us down. We’d never be free.

  Did my mother even care? If she’d heard of my return, not to mention my miscarriage, why didn’t she come herself? What was I supposed to think when she sent her minions to drag me out of my home if I didn’t come willingly?

  To Hades with her. It was time she was taught a lesson of her own.

  “What if we did die?” I asked.

  Galadriel’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

  “I mean faked our deaths,” I explained. “Because as far as I’m concerned, I’m an American citizen and I’m not leaving. She can’t suddenly force me to abide by Natatorian law just because I pose some imaginary threat, especially when she abandoned me, and not the other way around. If converting is not an option, then I’d rather be dead to my mother. Can you make us look dead?”

  Fin gaped at me, speechless.

  “Uh.” She rubbed her hands together. “Yeah. I guess.”

  I knew in my gut it was now or never, and I wasn’t going to return to Natatoria and hear all the apologies for our disastrous wedding and miscarriage, just to watch Colin be crowned.

  “Aren’t they going to check on us soon?” Fin asked.