Way Off Plan

by Alexa Land

  “You have one hour. Then I’m calling Ray.” In other words, in one hour he was telling my dad on me.

  “Yes sir. And I’m still requesting a leave of absence while I sort this out.”

  “I think that’s an excellent idea. Take the week to get your shit together.” He grabbed a form from the shelves beside him and scribbled on it, then handed it to me. “Turn this in to HR. And I’ll expect you back in my office a week from today.”

  “Yes sir. Thank you, sir.”

  I left his office feeling like an errant child – which was actually how interactions with Halpern usually went. On my way to HR with the leave of absence form tucked under my arm and the counselor’s number deposited in the trash, I pulled out my phone and send Dmitri a quick text: Hi. What are you doing?

  His reply was immediate. Daydreaming about how gorgeous you looked when you woke up in my bed this morning.

  I grinned at that and shot back: Liar. There’s nothing pretty about eye boogers and morning breath.

  Are you still wearing my clothes? I like that, he replied, changing the subject.

  I’d had to borrow a couple things, because I’d arrived at his house in nothing but a beach towel. Nope. Went home and changed before coming in to the station. Why do you like me wearing your clothes? I suspected it was the same reason Jess was always harping on me, he probably didn’t like my wardrobe.

  Because it shows you’re mine, was his reply. I paused outside the door to HR as a little shiver of pleasure skittered down my back.

  And then a second text popped up: What are you doing at the station?

  Outing myself for the second time in four months.

  His reply: What does that mean?

  Four months ago, I came out about being gay. Today I came out about the fact that I’m dating you.

  The phone rang in my hand, and I answered it with a cheery, “Hi.”

  Dmitri said, “You’re kidding, right? You didn’t just tell the police department that you’re dating me, did you?”

  “I did.”

  “Christ, Jamie. You didn’t tell me you were doing that.”

  “I know. Hang on one second, ok?” Without waiting for a reply, I pressed the phone against my chest and stepped through the door to Human Resources.

  Gloria, the admin assistant, took a look at the form I handed her and said, “Hi Jamie. You know, if you’re going on vacation, this is the wrong form.”

  “It’s the right form, Gloria. It’s not for a vacation.”

  She looked at me for a minute, waiting for an explanation as to my leave of absence. When none came, she said, “You forgot to sign it. Bottom right,” and handed back the paper and a pen.

  I scribbled my name and then gave her the form, and left with an upbeat, “Thanks, Gloria.”

  I caught a glimpse of her staring after me and picking up the phone right before the door swung shut. Gloria was a major gossip and also good friends with my oldest sister Carol, who worked as a dispatcher out of Central. I’d bet a paycheck that was who Gloria was calling to get the scoop on my unexplained departure.

  Carol wouldn’t know, of course. And who would she call to find out why I was taking a week off out of the blue? Our father. Who’d then call Halpern. Who’d find out I never went to see my dad. Ugh.

  I put the phone back to my ear. “Hey, Dmitri, I need to make another call. Talk to you later, ok?”

  “Jamie, what are you doing?”

  “I have to call my dad and tell him I’m dating a suspected felon, before my sister alerts him that something’s up or my police captain calls and tells him. It’s best he hears it from me. No offense intended, baby, on the suspected felon thing. I’ll talk to you soon.” I made a kissing sound and disconnected without waiting for his reply.

  As I dialed my dad’s cell phone, I left the building and walked down the street to the Hyundai. The loaner car looked like green toxic sludge in the bright morning light. I slid behind the wheel and tossed my badge on the passenger seat.

  Now here was a small mercy: I got my his voice mail. And I blurted into the phone, “Hey Dad, it’s Jamie. So listen, Mike Halpern’s going to call you in a bit. But before he does, I need to tell you something. I’m dating a suspected criminal. Specifically, I’m dating Dmitri Teplov. And actually, I think I’m in love with him. Ok, gotta go, Dad. Tell Mom hi for me. Talk to you soon.” I disconnected, then immediately shut the phone off. My Dad was going to shit a brick when he got that message. Best to let him cool off a bit before letting him yell at me.

  I started to drive to my apartment, but realized that was the first place my family would look for me so they could scream at me. The beach was the second place they’d look. I was just postponing the inevitable, and soon I’d have to face them. But I just couldn’t deal with them yet, not right on the heels of dealing with Halpern. I needed a couple hours to mentally prepare myself. So I went to the very last place that anyone would ever look for me.

  I went to the mall.

  The Stonestown Galleria was pretty overwhelming, and I fortified myself with an extra large mocha and a bagel before venturing inside. And then I turned myself over to Justin, the overly perky sales associate in Macy’s men’s department and let him go full Jessica on me.

  Three hours later, I pulled up outside my apartment building and quickly scanned the area for Nolans on a rampage. It appeared the coast was clear, so I grabbed my shopping bags from the trunk and hurried up to my apartment.

  When I swung the door open, I was greeted with, “What did you do, Jamie?” Jess was coming out of my kitchen, barefoot and wearing a sleek black dress and yellow rubber gloves. She, of course, had a key to my apartment. And oh boy, was she angry – angry enough to clean.

  “Hey Jess. What’re you doing here?”

  “Rage-cleaning your kitchen. Oh my God, did you go shopping?”

  I deposited the bags on my couch and said, “Yup. And I’ll bet you’re dying to see what I got.”

  “Well, yes. But first I want to tell you that so far today, I’ve gotten a total of seventeen calls from your family, all wanting to know where you are, and all wanting to find out what I know about your relationship with Dmitri Teplov.”

  “Shit, Jess, I’m really sorry. I should have warned you.”

  “Ya think? Oh, and your dad came by your apartment and left you a note. It’s on the coffee table.”

  “Did you see him?”

  “No, thank God. He got here sometime before I did and stuck the note under your door.”

  I scooped up the piece of paper, noticing not for the first time that my father had the handwriting of a serial killer. In a tight, angry scrawl he’d written: Come home. Now. And turn your fucking phone on. You’re giving your mother an ulcer.

  “Oh man, I’m dead,” I murmured, and put the note back on the table.

  “Did you seriously leave a message on your dad’s cell phone telling him you were dating a felon, and then shut your phone off?” Jess asked, hands on her hips.

  “Um…yes.”

  “Shame on you.”

  “I know,” I said. “I was being a chicken shit. I just couldn’t quite deal with my dad right on the heels of telling Mike Halpern about Dmitri. But Halpern was going to call Dad within the hour, so I wanted to call him first.” I went over to the couch and rattled one of the shopping bags, trying to change the subject. “Come see what I bought. And don’t worry, I didn’t pick out anything on my own. I found a gay guy to help me.”

  “Like that’s reassuring. You’re a gay guy, and you think Hawaiian prints are the height of fashion. You single-handedly shatter that whole gay fashion sense stereotype every time you leave the house.” Despite herself, her gaze strayed to the bags.

  “Oh my God!” I exclaimed suddenly. “I almost forgot to tell you my news!”

  She guessed what I was about to say immediately, and crossed the room to me and grabbed me in a big hug as she said, “Holy shit, Jamie! When? Last night?”

  “Yup.�
�� I grinned happily.

  “Why didn’t you call me first thing this morning? This is huge. It’s not every day that you lose your virginity!”

  “I’m sorry. I should have. But I got focused on the idea that I had to tell my department I was seeing Dmitri, and my whole morning sort of spiraled out of control from there.”

  “I don’t have to ask how it was. That goofy smile says it all.”

  “It was epic. That’s all I’m going to say.”

  “Well, I’m happy for you, Jamie. Even though I wish it had been with someone else. I don’t trust Teplov, and I’m totally pissed off at him for bringing all this grief into your life right now.” Then she said, “Speaking of grief, I’m going to call Maureen back. She’s worried about you.” She and my youngest sister were good friends.

  “Go ahead.” I pulled my own phone from the pocket of my short-sleeved plaid shirt as she went to locate hers in the kitchen. I turned my phone on and oh, here was a surprise, the message icon was lit up. I dialed voice mail and was told it was full. I had twenty seven messages. Christ. I got as far as my dad screaming, “God damn it to hell James Ryan Nolan, what’s the meaning of that message? If you don’t call me back right now I’ll–” before I hit the off-button and tossed it on the couch.

  A tentative knock on the door made me jump. But obviously it wasn’t my dad. He’d probably bring along a battering ram next time he came here. I looked through the peep hole and was surprised to see Dmitri out in the hall. I swung the door open with a big smile and a, “Hey baby.”

  He looked worried as he stepped into the apartment and took my hand. “Why didn’t you call me back? I left you a bunch of messages.”

  theYou did? My phone’s off.”

  “Yeah, I noticed. Why?”

  “Because my dad’s on a rampage.”

  “Because of me?”

  “Well…yes.”

  “Shit.” He pulled me into his arms and held me as he asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you were doing this today, Jamie?”

  “I figured you’d try to talk me out of it, and this was something I needed to do.” I kissed him and then asked, “Out of curiosity, how’d you know where I live?”

  He waved his cell phone. “I have a scan of your driver’s license. Remember?” He slid the phone back into the pocket of his black suit jacket. “I hope it’s ok that I dropped by like this. I was worried about you.”

  “Of course it’s ok. And you have excellent timing. I just got home a couple minutes ago.”

  “I know. I’ve been driving past every few minutes, and finally saw the Hyundai parked out front.”

  “That’s so sweet,” I said with a smile, and then jumped when I heard a low growl behind me.

  Like a ninja with a throwing star, Jess hurled her cell phone at Dmitri’s head. Equally ninja-like, he caught the flying phone effortlessly and shot her a big smile. “Hi,” he said pleasantly, as if she hadn’t just tried to put a dent in his skull. “You must be Jess.”

  “And you must be the drug dealing criminal that’s ruining my best friend’s life,” she growled, tensed up like she was ready to come over and punch Dmitri’s lights out. Her ferocity was slightly offset by the fact that she was 5’3. And wearing yellow kitchen gloves.

  “Oh my God Jess, chill,” I said, stepping in front of Dmitri, just in case she really did launch herself at him.

  “It’s ok, Jamie,” Dmitri said, running his palm down my arm. “She’s just worried about you.”

  “I know,” I told him. “But that doesn’t mean she gets to beat up my boyfriend.”

  “Boyfriend?” Dmitri echoed.

  “Too much?” I asked, turning toward him and meeting his gaze.

  He smiled at me and said softly, “Definitely not too much.” Then he touched my face and kissed me gently.

  “Christ,” Jess muttered. Her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, but at least she looked slightly less like she was in attack mode.

  Dmitri stepped around me and handed Jess’s phone back to her, and then took his life in his hands by leaning down and whispering something in her ear for a long moment. Jess’s big brown eyes went wide, her lips parting in surprise. And then she knit her brows and glared at him as she said, “You’d better. Otherwise I’m going to track you down, cut off your balls, and feed them to you.”

  “I don’t doubt it,” he told her.

  Jess peeled off the yellow rubber gloves as she turned to me. “Jamie, go see your dad. Now. He’s going to come back here with a battering ram and knock your door down if you don’t.”

  “That’s exactly what I thought,” I called after her as she disappeared into the kitchen. Then I turned to Dmitri and said, “What did you say to her?”

  He blushed slightly and broke eye contact as he murmured, “I swore to her I’d take care of you.”

  Obviously there was more to it than that. But apparently I’d have to get the rest of whatever he whispered out of Jess later, because Dmitri had clammed up all of a sudden.

  Jess reappeared in the living room, now about 5’8 in a pair of platform pumps, her Jackie O. glasses on and her handbag over her arm. She pointed at me. “I mean it Jamie. Go see your family. ASAP.”

  I held my hand up as if taking a pledge. “I swear I’ll go.”

  “Ok then. I’m going back to work.”

  “Come over for breakfast tomorrow. Please?” I asked, “I’ll show you my new clothes if you do.”

  “Fine, I’ll see you then. Save the receipts, some of that might have to go back,” she told me on the way out the door. And then to my surprise, she glanced at my boyfriend and said, “Bye, Dmitri.”

  “Bye, Jess.” The door swung shut behind her, and he turned to me with a bright smile and said, “She’s wonderful.” He actually wasn’t being sarcastic. “I love that you have a friend that cares about you so much.”

  “Sorry she tried to brain you with her phone.”

  He just shrugged, his dimples making my thoughts go all fuzzy as he continued to smile at me. “It could have been worse.”

  I took him in my arms and kissed him, then said, “Thanks for checking on me, Dmitri.”

  “I’m sorry that you’re going through so much because of me,” he said as he ran his fingers into my short hair and held me close. “And I can’t believe you told your family about us.”

  “It was the right thing to do. And now I have to stop putting off the inevitable and go face the music,” I said as I let go of him.

  “Want me to go with you?”

  “That depends. Do you own body armor?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, then you better sit this one out.”

  “Are you sure? I’ll go with you if you want me to.”

  “You’re sweet. But that’s a nice jacket, and it’ll get ruined if it’s riddled with bullet holes.”

  Dmitri rolled his eyes. “Your family’s not going to shoot me.”

  “Ok, probably not,” I conceded. “But still, you shouldn’t come along today. I’m just going to go over there and let them yell themselves hoarse. You can meet them in a few days, after they’ve calmed down a little.”

  He took my face between his palms and kissed me, then rested his forehead against mine. “Are you going to want company afterwards?”

  “Like I’d say no to seeing you.”

  “Ok. Call me when it’s over and I’ll meet you at my house. And I’ll make sure your night’s so good that it cancels out some of the bad you’re about to go through.”

  Chapter Six

  “So, I heard from Maureen that it got pretty ugly yesterday,” Jess told me as she set a box of donuts on my kitchen counter the next morning.

  “Uh, yeah, you could say that,” I said as I poured coffee into a couple waiting mugs. “My family staged a major intervention. Everyone was there. And I mean everyone – my parents, grandparents, sisters, brothers-in-law, uncles, aunts, cousins. We should have gone ahead and served Thanksgiving dinner.” I winced at the memo
ry.

  “God Jamie, that must have sucked. I’m so sorry.”

  “Yeah, it totally sucked. I mean, I know the only reason they’re so upset is because they care about me. But still.”

  “Did they try to forbid you to see Dmitri?” Jess asked as she dumped soy creamer into her coffee.

  “Oh yeah. As if I’d be like, ‘ok, whatever you say.’ I mean, Christ, I’m twenty three years old! They don’t actually get to tell me what to do anymore.”