Way Off Plan

by Alexa Land

  “Oh come on! This is not better!”

  “Oh my God! This one?” She pulled up another film.

  “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Now you’re just fucking with me.”

  “Maybe a little,” she grinned, and scrolled down the menu.

  “Nothing with Freddy, Jason, Michael Myers, Chucky, or more than twenty gallons of fake blood, please.”

  “It’s so cute that you’re such a wimp,” she said cheerfully, and then she gestured at the tv and said, “How about this?”

  “Yeah, ok. I can do Alien.”

  “Ha! Sci fi nerdiness triumphs over horror movie wimpiness.”

  I rolled my eyes and took the chips from her, and said, “You know, I just met you, and already I want to put you over my knee and spank you.”

  “Ooo! Watch the sexually charged humor, big boy. You may be a raging homosexual, but I’m not.” She winked at me lasciviously.

  “Oh God, I didn’t mean–”

  Catherine actually slapped her hand over my mouth, grinning broadly as she said, “Kidding, lover. You’re practically married to my cousin, which basically makes you my sister. You couldn’t be less sexually interesting to me.”

  “Your family tree is way out of whack if I somehow end up as your sister in that scenario, but ok. Whatever you say.”

  “Babe, I’m engaged to my cousin. All I know is out of whack family trees.” She deadpanned that, and then smiled at me happily. “Now let’s see if you can make it through this film without crying for your Mommy.” She stole the chips back from me, then put the bag between us on the bed.

  We were only a few minutes from the end of the film, Catherine laughing delightedly while I gasped and cowered and peeked around a corner of the blanket, when Dmitri walked into the room. I hadn’t heard him coming, because Catherine had the surround sound up to rock concert levels.

  He stared at us wide-eyed. Catherine grabbed the remote and hit pause, which automatically brought up the lights in the room, then greeted him with, “Well hey there, hubby!”

  “Catherine! What the fuck?” he choked out, then shot me a look of absolute panic.

  “Bad news,” I said cheerfully. “The wedding’s off. Catherine decided to marry me instead.”

  Catherine punched my arm and said, “Don’t tease him.”

  “Me! You’re the one that came stomping in here pretending you were a jealous fiancé,” I told her.

  “That’s different. I’m allowed to tease him.” She smiled brightly.

  “Ok. Wow. I’ve obviously missed something big tonight,” Dmitri said, still staring at us in shock.

  I slid out of bed and went to where he was cemented to the area rug, and took him in my arms. He was utterly wooden for a moment, but then I felt him relaxing just a tiny bit as his hands came up to my waist. “Sorry to tease you, baby,” I said. “Catherine’s here because she’s worried about you. She got here a couple hours ago, and we’ve been bonding over horror movies and junk food.”

  “This isn’t even a horror movie,” Catherine said as she slid out of bed. “Your boyfriend wouldn’t let me watch a horror movie. He was scared like a tiny wittle baby.” She crossed the room and threw her arms around both of us and exclaimed, “Group hug!”

  When she finally let go, she winked at us and said, “So you know, after we’re married, it’ll be just like this. The three of us can have loads of three-ways. I don’t know what I’ll be doing during them, because God knows neither one of you gay boys has the slightest interest in me. But hey, gotta look on the bright side!”

  Dmitri turned a vivid shade of crimson and choked out, “Christ, Cat!”

  “Well, come on. We might as well laugh about it. I mean, it’s that or swallow the working end of my Glock. Know what I’m saying?” She went and sat on the edge of the bed and swung her feet as she said, “And you’re just such an easy mark, it’s hard to pass up opportunities to embarrass the crap out of you. Speaking of which, you missed my grand entrance earlier tonight. You would have been mortified! I marched in here and called Jamie a home wrecker. He almost peed himself!”

  Dmitri pressed a hand to his mouth. “Oh God, please tell me you’re joking.”

  “No, she actually did that,” I said.

  “It almost misfired, though. Jamie started to run away and I had to apprehend him on the sidewalk. Oh, and in the process, I called one of your neighbors a pooper scooper and threatened him with poodle-based violence. You might be hearing from his lawyer.” She looked like she was proud of herself.

  Dmitri looked stricken, so I took his hand and guided him to the bed, where I sat him beside Catherine and then sat on his other side. “Catherine, stop being funny,” I chastised her. “Dmitri’s about to have a stroke.”

  She put her arm around him and put her head on his shoulder, and said, “Sorry, D. Although I actually wasn’t trying to be funny. That all really happened.”

  Dmitri fell backwards onto the mattress, and I lay on my side so I was facing him. Catherine did the same thing on his other side. “See? Three-way,” she whispered to me, pointing back and forth between the three of us with a sparkle in her eyes and another exaggerated wink.

  “Stop,” I whispered to her.

  “He knows I’m kidding,” she whispered back.

  “Still. You’re freaking him out,” I shot back.

  “You know I can hear you, right?” Dmitri asked. He’d turned his head toward me, and was grinning ever-so-slightly.

  “Hi baby,” I said with a smile and pecked him on the lips, deciding to start over. “I’m glad you’re home. I didn’t expect you until much later.”

  “I snuck out early. I missed you.” He reached up and gently touched my face.

  Catherine leapt up and said, “Wow, zero to third wheel in oh-point-two seconds! I’ll just give you two some privacy.”

  Dmitri got up too and said, “You’re at the best part of the movie. Keep watching it. I’m going to get a shower and put on something not ripe with the stink of corruption. You two just relax.”

  “Baby,” I said, sitting up and taking his hand, “are you ok? How did everything go tonight?”

  “Exactly as expected. I kissed lots of ass, and the visitors drank about twelve hundred dollars of top shelf product, and when the hookers showed up I figured I was kind of redundant at that point, so I came home.”

  “Fuck. Baby, I’m sorry.”

  “I’m ok. And I’ll be even better after I’ve showered. Just go back to Alien. It has such a great ending.” He let go of me and went into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

  I stared after him, my brows knit with concern, and said, “We shouldn’t have teased him, he’s had a rough night.”

  “No, the teasing was good, it cheered him up. Trust me.” She reached into the junk food stash and pulled out a movie theater-size box of Skittles, then hit play on the remote, declaring happily, “This next part of the movie is so funny.”

  “Funny? You’re deeply warped. You know that, right?” And then I yelled and hid behind a pillow while Catherine howled with laughter and bounced up and down on the bed like a three year old in response to what was happening on-screen.

  Dmitri emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later dressed in a black t-shirt and black sweats, his wet hair combed back from his face. Only he could made sweats look damn sexy. He perched on the foot of the bed and reached back to rest his hand on my leg, eyes on the TV screen.

  He waited until the end credits were rolling and Catherine hit the off-button before turning to her and saying, “Why are you here, Cat? You’re only a couple weeks into the semester, you shouldn’t be missing school.”

  “I was worried about you,” she said.

  “Why? I’m fine.”

  “That’s not what I hear,” Catherine said gravely. “I hear you’re not wearing your retainer. And you know you’re going to end up looking like Bucky Beaver if you keep that up.” She somehow managed to say that with a straight face.

&nbs
p; Dmitri turned red and stammered, “Oh God. You did not tell Jamie about the retainer.”

  “Oh yes I did. And I told him about your glasses, too.”

  Dmitri face-planted himself onto the mattress and stayed there.

  “Your boyfriend didn’t even know you wear glasses,” she said. “You big fraud! Where are those nerdtastic things? Jamie should see this.”

  He sat up and told me, “I don’t really wear glasses. They’re just for reading.”

  “And playing World of Warcraft,” she amended.

  “Oh God, Catherine, I’m begging you. Stop talking. I will pay you! Want the house? It’s yours. Just for the love of God, shut up!” Dmitri exclaimed.

  Catherine stood up and said with a satisfied nod, “My work here is done. I’m going to bed, we’ll talk in the morning Cuz. And by the way Jamie, my room is waaaaay on the other side of this big ol’ house. So if you and my fiancé want to get busy tonight, I won’t hear a thing. Well, you know – unless you’re a screamer.” She blew us both a kiss and strolled from the room, pulling the door shut behind her.

  Dmitri was back to laying face down on the mattress, and I burst out laughing. “That is one hell of an interesting woman,” I said, reclining against the headboard.

  “That’s one word for her,” Dmitri said, rolling over slightly so he was looking at me from beneath a lock of his hair. “Other words might be unhinged, crude, hyper, inappropriate–”

  “I really like her.”

  He sat up. “You do? You don’t have to say that, you know. I totally understand if you think she’s horrifying.”

  “She’s great. And she really loves you. I especially like that about her.”

  “So did she…did she explain why I’m marrying my cousin?” He looked mortified.

  “Yeah. She also told me you tried to call off the wedding. That’s why she’s here. She’s worried about what her father’s going to do once you tell him. You haven’t told him yet, have you?”

  “God no. I need to figure out what to say so it doesn’t result in bloodshed.”

  “What are you doing way over there?” I asked him. He was still perched at the foot of the bed. “Come here.…did I patted the mattress beside me.

  He crawled up the mattress and nestled beside me as I took him in my arms. “I missed you,” he murmured, wrapping his arms around me.

  “I missed you, too.” I kissed him, and he returned the kiss urgently, conveying so much more than words. When finally our lips parted I whispered, “Tell me what you need tonight, baby.”

  “You. I need you.” He kissed me again almost feverishly, climbing onto my lap so he was straddling me and holding my face in his hands. “Please, Jamie, fuck me. I need you inside me. I need you so bad.”

  I rolled him onto the mattress and pulled his t-shirt over his head, then tugged his sweats off. He was wearing that black jock strap underneath, and a sound slipped from me that was close to a growl at the sight of it.

  Quickly, I gathered up the junk food box and wrappers and set them on the floor. I leapt off the bed and jogged over to the bedroom door and locked it, then went to the nightstand and found the lube and a condom. My gaze never strayed from Dmitri as I did this. He was on his back on the bed, his breath coming fast, his lips parted. “You’re so unbelievably beautiful,” I told him.

  I pulled off my own t-shirt and the totally embarrassing pajama pants I’d all but forgotten about, still standing at the side of the bed. And then impulsively, I reached over and grabbed Dmitri’s ankles and pulled him across the down comforter. He gasped, and his cock twitched in that little jock as I swung him around so he was laying directly in front of me. “Yes. God yes,” he whispered.

  I bent his knees and set his feet flat on the edge of the mattress, then picked up the lube. Eyes locked with his, I coated my finger and pushed it into him. He moaned loudly as his eyes slid shut.

  “Look at me, baby,” I said softly, twisting my finger around inside him.

  He gasped and opened his eyes, panting as he stared into my face, his cock straining against the fabric of the jock strap. I pushed a second finger into him and he whimpered and pushed himself onto my hand. As I prepared him he begged, “Please Jamie, take me,” his voice a hoarse whisper.

  My cock was rock hard, ready and waiting, and I rolled on a condom quickly and squirted on some lube. Then I reached for Dmitri and grabbed his legs, pulling him toward me so his ass hung a few inches off the bed. I pushed his legs back so his knees were near his shoulders, and slid my cock into him with one long, firm push.

  “Oh fuck Jamie, yes,” he cried out. I pumped into him, standing beside the bed, hands braced against the backs of his knees, almost folding him in half. “Oh God baby, you’re in me so deep,” he rasped as I increased the force of my thrusts. “God yes, fuck me.”

  “Stroke yourself for me, Dmitri,” I said, and immediately his hands came up around his thighs, one hand quickly pulling the jock strap out of the way, the other wrapping around his thick shaft. Watching him stroke his cock was always incredibly arousing, and I moaned as I fucked him harder.

  “Please – Jamie – can I cum?” he asked after a few minutes, the sentence broken up into short gasps.

  That question sent a wave of heat through me, and I replied, my voice low and rough, “Yes, baby. Cum for me.”

  He arched his back and cried out, stroking himself rapidly, and I drove my cock into him, my body slapping against his with every thrust. And then he was shooting all over his stomach, his chest, one spurt even reaching his chin. “Fuck Dmitri, yes,” I ground out as my own orgasm ripped from my body, thrusting into him again and again as he kept stroking himself.

  When finally my orgasm ebbed, I let go of his knees and fell forward, catching myself with my hands on the mattress. I ran my tongue over his chin, then kissed Dmitri deeply, letting him taste himself as aftershocks shook his body.

  Finally I smiled at him and said, “Stay right here, baby. Don’t move,” and pulled out of him carefully. I went to the bathroom and threw the condom in the trash and cleaned myself up quickly, then brought a towel back into the bedroom with me.

  Dmitri was right where I’d left him, relaxed and grinning with one hand tucked behind his head. I tugged the damp jock strap off of him and cleaned him up, then chucked the towel across the room through the open bathroom door and climbed up on the bed. He snuggled beside me and wrapped his arms around me. “Have I told you that I absolutely adore you?” he murmured, his head on my chest.

  “Mmhmm, but I don’t mind if you repeat yourself,” I told him with a little lopsided grin.

  “Then let me tell you again: I adore you, James Ryan Nolan.”

  “No fair. You know my middle name thanks to my illegally scanned license, but I don’t know yours.”

  “It’s Aleksandr. Russian spelling, of course.”

  “Of course.”

  I kissed his forehead and held him to me, and after a while Dmitri whispered, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about Catherine, and about the circumstances of our engagement.”

  “You really should have told me.”

  “You’re right. I just…I know how bizarre it sounds, and I was afraid of what you’d think of me. I’m so afraid of driving you away,” he admitted quietly.

  “I love you, Dmitri, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  He tightened his hold on me and said, “I’ve been trying to figure out how to get out of the engagement since the day I met you, but I still don’t have any solutions. I don’t know what I can say or do to convince my uncle to let me out of that agreement without causing terrible repercussions.”

  “You don’t have to solve this problem on your own, sweetheart,” I said. “We’ll solve it together.”

  “Thank you, Jamie.” He kissed my chest, and then he said, “I’m not used to that. I’ve always dealt with things on my own. But I promise not to hold back from now on, I’ll tell you what’s going on.”

  “Ok, good.” I tilted hi
s chin up and kissed him gently. “There’s a solution to this. I’m sure of it. And tomorrow, you, me, and Catherine will sit down and see what we can come up with.”

  He nodded and put his head back on my chest. He was quiet for a long time, and eventually he whispered, “Something frightening happened tonight, Jamie.”

  “Tell me.”

  After a pause he started reciting emotionlessly, like he was relaying someone else’s narrative, as if he was trying to detach himself from the story. “So, I’m at the club. The visiting family is drinking, laughing, having a great time. And then one of them pulls out a gun, a .480 Ruger, to show it off. This guy shoves it in my hands, and says in Russian, Here, look at this. Such fire power. It could take someone’s head clean off.