Designing Hearts

by Robin Strachan

“I thought you’d separate for a few days and then take him right back. You two have been together a long time.”

  “Yes, we have,” she replied, stiffening. “And I’m still feeling my way through the grieving process and what my marriage meant to me. Nothing in my life is the same anymore, except work. But over the past couple of weeks, I’ve come to the realization that life goes on. It’ll go on whether I accept the changes or not. Who knows? It might even be better.”

  They ate in silence for a few moments before she changed the subject. “Hey, did I tell you that Finn and Missy are expecting a baby in May?”

  Tom slapped his hand on the table. “No, you didn’t. That’s great! It’s sort of hard to believe, though.” He chuckled. “I remember when the boys were real little. You used to bring them to the office and put them in that gigantic playpen—that is, until they learned to leapfrog over each other.”

  “I remember.” Jill groaned at the memory of Finn and Liam racing around the office in diapers with other staff members dodging their movements and stepping over toys. “It’s hard to believe how fast those years went by, and now Finn is married and about to become a father.”

  She sipped her tea and stared off into space, thinking. “Things certainly happen fast—not always the way I envisioned them. Children grow up. People grow apart.” Her attention returned to Tom, who was looking intently at her. “What about you?”

  “I thought my life would turn out much differently,” Tom said, expelling a long breath. “I never imagined I’d end up a widower or that I’d stay in Connecticut this long. I always imagined myself living on a beach in Southern California. You, on the other hand, always knew exactly what you wanted. It was always David. And now I wonder whether you’ve given any thought to what you want in life now that David seems to be out of the picture.”

  “I don’t have a plan, since I’m making it up as I go along. But I am learning that I’ll be fine. I know that what David did was merely a symptom of a bigger problem we had. I excused him from marriage and fatherhood while I took on the bigger load. The balance of our relationship was often off kilter, and I didn’t really have expectations of what I should be getting in return. I guess I thought that if I just kept believing in the good and setting forth positive intentions—rather than thinking or fearing the worst—all would be well. I thought if I could create the perfect home life for us, David would be happy, too.”

  Tom leaned his elbows on the table. “That’s a pretty strong element of control you took on, isn’t it? But then again, how could you not believe you had to make everything work?”

  “What do you mean?” Jill’s brow furrowed.

  “As long as I’ve known you, there has been tremendous pressure on you to be perfect, to look perfect, act perfect. For chrissake, you’re the daughter of America’s favorite household advice columnist! Creating the perfect home and making it look easy was something you’d been groomed for. David couldn’t have had a better, more perfect wife if the network had picked you out for him themselves. The trouble is, I don’t think he ever really appreciated who you are.”

  Jill smiled at the unexpected compliment but she also took in a slow breath in an attempt to maintain her composure. “I wonder now if I was so focused on creating the perfect life that I overlooked what was right in front of my face. Clearly, David wasn’t happy with me or he wouldn’t have cheated.”

  The distress on her face was evident as she glanced quickly out the window, unwilling to let Tom see her cry. “I’m wondering if our marriage was more about looking and acting perfect, part of the public relations package that David’s career required of him, than creating a happy life together. We were expected to be the perfect couple, and we couldn’t behave otherwise without affecting his career. The trouble was, I thought we really were the perfect couple.”

  Tom reached for her hand. “I’d venture to say that there is an element of superficiality in the way most married couples present themselves to others. In your case, though, I wonder if any marriage could survive the kind of pressure you were under.”

  Jill removed her hand from Tom’s and dug through her handbag for a tissue. Tears welled up. When she could speak again, she began slowly, choosing her words with care. “I think what I’m saying is that it’s possible David got caught up in a life he didn’t want. In a way, so did I. I wanted a happy family life similar to what I had growing up, without all the drama his career brought to our lives. Oh sure, at first it was exciting. But then it was just really, really hard. Maybe he wanted something different, too, and just didn’t know how to say it. Maybe he was afraid to make changes because of how others would judge him.”

  “Did you stay, too, because it was easier than leaving?” Tom’s eyes never left hers.

  Jill shook her head. “It never occurred to me to leave. I believe in fixing things, not breaking them. David made a choice to find love elsewhere, and although I don’t agree with what he did, I now understand that it’s not something I could fix even with the best of intentions. Feng shui can fix a lot of things, but it can’t change another person, especially if that person wants something entirely different.”

  Tom shifted in his seat and then leaned forward, meeting her gaze. “David had it all, Jill. I’ve watched you give everything you had to him over the years, and all he did was take. If he was unhappy—and God knows, I have no idea why or how he could be unhappy with you—he could have been honest about it. Instead he chose to be dishonest. It’s unfortunate that you were the last to see it.”

  She gave him a warning look. “Well, the time has come that I’m able to imagine a different, happier life. But I still want the same things I wanted when I was younger—to find a partner to share a home with and to continue growing in my career. I’ve loved teaching this class, and I’d like to keep doing that, too.” She shrugged. “Correction: I thought I had it all, but I was mistaken.”

  Tom leaned forward. “I never thought I’d see the day you’d be a free woman, Jill. Wherever David led, you followed. You couldn’t even see who he was, and you never wanted to hear anything that didn’t fit in with your view of him. I was his fraternity brother and his friend, so I knew he wasn’t who you thought he was.”

  “I know you had concerns about him before we got married. You told me you didn’t think he would be the kind of husband I wanted or needed. Turns out, you were right. But I’m not sorry for loving David or being his wife for so long, or having his children. I saw what every other person who has met him or seen him on television saw—a good looking, intelligent man. Did his character really change? Or did I simply not see his true character, only the one he wanted me to see?”

  “And can you really imagine life with someone else?” Tom looked earnestly into her eyes.

  “Yes, I can. But it’s too soon to think about that.” Jill pushed her sandwich away, sensing an uncomfortable shift in the conversation that left her feeling vulnerable and anxious. It wasn’t like Tom to press on a personal subject this hard. They usually talked about business.

  “What I really want to know, I guess, is whether our friendship could ever become anything more than what it’s been since the day we first met. Don’t I deserve my chance with you?”

  The plaintive look on his face stabbed Jill in the pit of her stomach. Her throat constricted as a choking sensation overcame her. She took a quick drink of her latte. “Tom, this is such a surprise. I-I’m so touched that you would think of me that way. You’ve always been my best friend; it just never occurred to me to want or expect anything more with you. I was with David and you were with Janice. Janice was my friend, too.”

  “I’ve been alone for several years, and now that you’re single again, what’s to prevent us from exploring another dimension of our relationship, when you’re ready, of course?”

  She blinked, wondering how long he had felt this way. “I think we need to consider that we’re business partners and friends, and we don’t want to risk ruining that. Tom, you’re a wonderfu
l man and I love you dearly. But we have too much to lose if we were to start a romantic relationship and it doesn’t work out. We’d lose the ‘us’ we’ve always been to each other. I’m not sure I can go through the loss of another relationship that has been part of my life for so long.”

  She saw the pain in Tom’s eyes and was heartsick. He gathered up his untouched lunch and tossed it in a nearby trash bin. “Well, I had to give it my best shot,” he said. “I hope this won’t change the dynamics of our friendship or our working relationship.” He pushed open the front door and turned to look at her. “Of course, it will.”

  “Tom, wait!” She leaped to her feet and sprinted to the door. She grabbed his forearm, fighting back tears. “I feel terrible. I never saw this coming. Surely you know I’d never say or do anything to hurt you, not intentionally.”

  “I do know that,” he said, meeting her eyes before turning and walking out.

  She took double steps to keep up with him. “Please try to understand. I meant it when I said I can’t bear the thought of risking what we’ve meant to each other all these years, especially now.”

  Tom offered a half smile. “And I thought what we already had together all these years might provide a better start than what most new relationships offer.”

  Jill stopped, watching his retreating back as he continued along the sidewalk to their building. Now that the cool air was clearing her head, she thought about corralling him in his office until she knew everything was okay between them. At the same time, she was angry. How dare he lay this at my doorstep when I’m just weeks out of a long marriage and the worst heartache I’ve ever endured? Yet, she had to admit that this was exactly what Denny had asked her to do, and her reaction had been completely different.

  For the rest of the afternoon, she agonized over her conversation with Tom, straddling the line between guilt at hurting his feelings and annoyance that he had altered their relationship with his request. But more than that, she felt sadness at this strange turn of events, as if she’d already lost him as a friend. They avoided looking directly at each other, sidestepping in the hallway, until Monica asked if anything had happened at lunch.

  “Okay, spill. What’s going on with you and Big T?”

  “Just a different viewpoint on something,” Jill said quickly and retreated into her office.

  She wished Tom had never brought up the subject of a romantic relationship, and she wished even more that her response hadn’t hurt him. The truth was that she couldn’t even imagine a romantic relationship with Tom. Although he was a smart, attractive man with a witty personality, she had never felt anything remotely resembling chemistry with him. Theirs had been a supportive, easygoing friendship with none of the male/female complications that could trip up working relationships between men and women. Embarking on a romantic relationship could be deadly to their business partnership as well.

  On the other hand, a similar personal/professional struggle might present itself where Denny was concerned. Jill wondered how Tom would react now if he learned she was going out for a friendly dinner tonight with the painter he had just hired. No doubt he would be offended. There might even be repercussions.

  “Ugh,” she said, “this is a nightmare.”

  She struggled all that afternoon with regret over her unexpected conversation with Tom, considering ways that she could resolve any potential issues without hurting him further. The situation was less dangerous with Denny than with Tom, but it was still a risk. If her relationship with Denny went south at some point, the company might lose a valuable contractor. But this was less likely to present a problem than if she and Tom were unable to work together. In that case, she would feel pressured to leave the company.

  The entire situation was surreal. Had it been only six weeks since life as she knew it changed forever? And now two men—who were not even her husband—had expressed their desire to have a romantic relationship with her. “Go figure,” she said out loud.

  She hadn’t realized until Denny put his arms around her when he came to her home for dinner just how attracted she already was to him. Yet she also understood the ramifications of spending time with him, especially while she was still technically married. He was becoming a frequent subject of her daydreams. She wondered if it was a wiser course of action to put the brakes on the personal side of their relationship before anything of a more intimate nature happened and one of them got hurt.

  After the unsettling experience with Tom, she wondered if going out to dinner with Denny was even such a good idea. But the truth was that she was looking forward to seeing him again. Sighing deeply, she had to acknowledge that no matter what happened with Denny, there would be a shadow over her relationship with Tom for the foreseeable future.

  Chapter Fourteen

  When Jill returned home from the office that evening, she found a message on her answering machine from Liam. “Hi, Mom—just wanted you to know Brian and I are back. Finn told us about the bun in Missy’s oven. Sounds like good times all around. Give me a call when you can. Love you!”

  Jill chuckled and returned Liam’s call, only to get voicemail. After the beep, she said, “It’s your mother. Glad you guys are back safely. I’ll be out this evening, but I’ll call you back tomorrow.” She didn’t provide any other details of her plans, although she knew Liam would approve of her dinner with Denny.

  She showered and dressed carefully, selecting a pair of figure-flattering gray slacks, a black silk shell, and black boiled-wool cardigan. She donned pearl earrings and touched floral perfume oil to her pulse points. Promptly at six thirty, Denny rang the doorbell. When Jill answered the door, she spotted a sporty red Mazda Miata in the driveway, its top down.

  “I love convertibles!” she exclaimed. “It’s even red!”

  “It’s my favorite new toy,” Denny said with a grin. They walked to the car, and he held open the door for her to slide in. “I bought it as a present to myself for my forty-ninth birthday this year.”

  “We’re the same age.” Jill admired the leather interior with its attractive red-and-black tartan seat covers. “I probably shouldn’t ask about your birthday.”

  “In case my horoscope isn’t a match?” he asked with an impish grin. “I’m a Pisces, by the way—February twenty-fourth.”

  “No, in case I’m older than you,” she corrected him with a coy glance from beneath her lashes. “I’m a whole month older than you, so remember to respect your elders. By the way, Pisces and Capricorns get along just fine.” She cast her eyes around the car, admiring it. “Gosh, I haven’t been in a convertible since, well, I can’t remember.” Actually, she did remember, but decided not to mention the Triumph Spitfire that David had owned for many years.

  “Will it be too breezy for you if I leave the top down?” Denny asked as he started the ignition, cruised onto Jill’s street and then pulled out onto the main road.

  “Nope, this feels great,” Jill said as the wind played havoc with her hair. The crisp autumn air smelled of burning leaves, and she had a strong desire to ask Denny to forget dinner and just keep driving. Who cared where they ended up?

  “Before this evening officially begins, I’d like to say that I fancy you, Jill. That might make me say or do something stupid, especially after a glass of wine. Forgive me if that happens.” He grinned, not looking at all apologetic.

  “I doubt there is anything you can say or do that I haven’t thought of myself,” she said, shocking herself. “But I appreciate your restraint.”

  “Well, all right then,” Denny said and stepped harder on the gas pedal.

  Being with Denny was like swirling in a whoosh of colorful energy. He had a sharp mind and a quick wit coupled with a genuine interest in other people. He was a good listener, and they conversed easily as they drove to Mario’s, a restaurant nestled in a quiet, wooded area near a small lake.

  “Tell me about your family,” he said. “Are your parents still with us?”

  “They’re both alive and well,
thank you for asking. My dad, Hal, is a retired dentist who plays golf every chance he gets. He also happens to be the alter ego for my mother, Nancy Brenneman, otherwise known as Nancy Knows.”

  “Go on! I read her columns every day. She’s verra funny.”

  “She’s a character,” Jill acknowledged wryly. “Thank goodness my dad isn’t anxious to be in the spotlight, although my mother mentions him in just about every column. Actually, I don’t remember a time when my mom hasn’t been a household name. She started writing her columns for the local newspaper just for something to do. It was so popular, the column ended up getting syndicated. Her writing career really took off after that. My dad just takes it all in stride. Of course, Mom was always there when I got home from school, and she was a stickler about family meals. We ate together as a family every night.”

  “My maw didn’t have much time for any life other than raising seven children,” Denny said. “Da worked hard to provide for us, and we always had enough to eat, but Maw didn’t have many conveniences. It was a hard life for her.”

  The evening air smelled deliciously of wood smoke, charbroiled meat, and cinnamon apples as they made their way inside Mario’s. Jill was delighted that Denny had reserved a table nearest the fireplace. As he reviewed the restaurant’s impressive wine list, Jill studied his face, admiring his hair, a lock of which fell boyishly across one side of his forehead, the nose that had a slight bump on the bridge, and the strong chin with the merest shadow of a beard. Tonight he wore pressed khakis and a light blue dress shirt with a navy cardigan. She had never seen him look anything other than immaculately dressed. As he glanced over the menu, she admired his hands with their clean, closely trimmed fingernails. Strong hands that could do a day’s work and still be gentle—or so she imagined.

  “Jill?”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. Yes, I would like wine, thank you. I was just thinking … never mind. I guess I’m just reveling in the fact that it’s been so long since I was out to dinner without a care in the world other than what to order for dinner. But it’s also the novelty of being here and feeling normal.”