Designing Hearts

by Robin Strachan

  Finn stood to give his father a swift hug, one arm slung over his shoulder, bodies barely touching as they slapped each other on the backs. “Hey, Dad,” he said.

  David grinned. “Congratulations on becoming a father! I hope you and Missy enjoy this baby as much as your mother and I enjoyed you and Liam.”

  “Thanks, Dad. We’re excited.”

  Liam remained seated, his mouth a solid line, as Brian stood to offer his hand. “I’m Brian,” he said. “It’s nice to meet you, sir.”

  “Same here,” David said, clearing his throat as he took the proffered hand. “I understand you’re in the music business.”

  “More music than business, actually. There are other people who handle that side of things,” Brian said easily. He seemed completely comfortable, despite the tense glances passing between the others.

  Jill went into the kitchen to fill a plate for David. As she arranged baked lemon chicken, wild rice, and sugar snap peas on his plate, her mind spun with troubling thoughts. Would David want to stay after dinner to talk with her alone? Or was this unexpected visit solely to ensure he had a chance to see Liam? She hoped so.

  “Smells good,” David said, as he slid into the chair at the head of the table, his usual spot. “I lucked out getting here in time for your famous chicken.” He dug into his dinner with gusto while Liam picked at his food.

  Jill was adrift on a sea of conflicting emotions as she watched David eat as though nothing was out of the ordinary. On the one hand, it felt familiar having him in his usual place at the dinner table—rather like old times. On the other hand, she was unable to feel any joy at his unexpected visit. The thought was somehow more troubling. This was so like David … to be oblivious to the undercurrents in his own family.

  Dinner conversation was easier than Jill thought it would be, however, thanks to Brian’s gift of gab. Still, she was unable to meet David’s frequent glances in her direction or offer many responses. She was taken aback that he hadn’t called first to let her know he was coming, and she realized that this, too, was typical. He assumed whatever he wanted would be fine with her, and she had done nothing over the years to change that pattern. She had always made allowances for his behavior. Would these unannounced visits continue? She flinched and thought about how her relationship with David was changing. Even a few months ago, she would have welcomed his being home with her and their sons. She thought how fortunate it was that after spending the afternoon together, she hadn’t invited Denny to stay for dinner. His presence would have complicated what was already a difficult dinner.

  Now that the initial surprise had passed, she began feeling more and more resentful. Since David’s departure from their home, Sunday family dinners had become a respite from stressors of the week. Liam and Brian drove in from the city and spent the entire evening. Their conversations were full of carefree banter, and Finn and Liam had brotherly time together. Without David’s presence, there was less strain in discussions, no need to validate one’s opinion with the most recent published research or risk being debated into submission. Even the meals Jill cooked were simpler, with no need for the multiple courses David preferred. Yet, she reasoned, it was a good idea for them to have dinner together with their children. Doubtless, there would be many more times in the future, especially after the baby was born, that they would see each other. Best get used to it now, she thought. She picked at her food, which had grown cold.

  Giving up entirely on finishing her dinner, Jill rose to make coffee, which she served with thick slices of homemade coconut cake and scoops of dulce de leche ice cream. This, too, was filled with memories, a dessert she had served at many family meals. It was David’s favorite indulgence, even though he followed a restricted diet in an effort to look as trim as possible on television. Given his present gauntness, Jill thought he needed to put on a few pounds.

  “This is so good, Jill,” David said, closing his eyes in bliss at the first bite.

  Liam still hadn’t said a word, just watched his father warily out of his peripheral vision throughout the rest of the meal. Jill could see that he was seething, and she was uneasy about what might happen next. Brian continued to keep the conversational ball in the air, answering David’s polite questions about his upbringing and career.

  “I majored in piano in college. I was there on scholarship, but not for music, for baseball. My dad wanted me to play professionally—baseball, that is, not piano—and I guess I wanted that, too. During college, I went the amateur route because it seemed the thing to do. Hard to break with expectations, but by then, I knew I didn’t want to play pro ball.” He took a bite of cake.

  “You’re an athlete and a sports fan,” David said with obvious surprise, but recovered nicely at the look of reproach that crossed Liam’s face.

  “As big a fan as they come. I pitched after college in the minors, but I wasn’t really good enough to go to the majors. After I got my first job composing for an off-Broadway show, I stopped playing ball, although I still coach a little for fun. I don’t miss many Mets home games if I can help it.”

  “Liam, you’ve never said anything about enjoying the Mets.” David took a sip of coffee and looked at his son.

  Liam looked his father squarely in the eye and paused for dramatic effect. Jill groaned inwardly, guessing what was coming. Liam picked up his coffee cup, extended his pinky, and replied, “I prefer to cook and care for our home.”

  Finn’s face flushed beet red and he shot Liam a black look. Missy and Jill exchanged looks of dismay, and Jill dug her nails into her palms to keep from reacting. David’s fork was suspended in mid-air while he considered how to respond. His ears reddened again, but he said nothing, just looked from Liam to Jill to Finn and back to Liam again. Then he stared at Jill, a look of clear expectation on his face. Was she supposed to handle relationship situations with the family as she had in the past? Probably, she thought, but she didn’t want that responsibility. Enough was enough.

  Brian’s face was a study in self-control, although one eyebrow arched in disbelief. He elbowed Liam. “That’s funny,” he said. “Who knew? Now I know what to buy you for Christmas: a new mop.”

  “More coffee for anyone?” Jill asked and escaped into the kitchen to retrieve the carafe.

  The tension between Liam and David remained high. It was thanks only to Brian’s grace under pressure that the rest of the meal passed in relative calm. After dessert and coffee, Brian and Liam prepared to drive back into the city.

  “It was nice to meet you,” Brian said and extended his hand.

  David hesitated for just a moment before taking Brian’s hand. “Same here,” he said, clearing his throat.

  Liam kissed Missy, gave Finn a quick hug, and hugged Jill before taking off like a shot for the front door. David watched his angry son’s retreating back, looking uncertain and hurt. Jill wanted to run after Liam, but her body seemed rooted in place.

  “We need to get going, too. I’m really beat.” Missy leaned her head against Finn’s shoulder. He nestled his cheek against her hair.

  “Okay, I guess I ought to get the little mother home.” Finn picked up the shopping bag containing the teddy bear.

  “Missy, we’ll shop more for the baby’s room when you feel better,” Jill said, standing up to hug her.

  She stood back while David embraced Missy and Finn. Then they were gone. That left Jill alone with David, a gulf between them the length of the dining room table.

  “Would you like anything else?” she asked politely as she began to clear the table.

  “Thank you, but I’ve had plenty. Dinner was great, as usual.” Picking up his dessert plate and fork, he followed her into the kitchen. As she loaded the dishwasher and washed pots and pans, he poured each of them another glass of wine and then sat companionably on a stool at the kitchen island.

  “You look good, Jill,” he said. “Your hair has gotten longer.”

  “A little, I guess,” she said, plunging her hands into the dishwater.
She needed to stay focused. If she looked at him directly, she might lose her composure and lash out at him—the last thing she needed or wanted to have happen today. Besides, it could escalate into an argument and cause problems in the divorce mediation. An angry David could be a vindictive David.

  “You said you’re teaching a class. Are you still enjoying it?”

  “Very much. I might do it again next semester.”

  “That’s good,” he said and came over to the counter, leaning against it. “Jill, we need to talk.”

  “Okay.” She dried her hands and faced him, her heart pounding.

  “I’ll be honest. I don’t want this divorce, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to win you back. I know what I did hurt you and that you’ve had a difficult time trying to forgive me. I don’t blame you for that, but how can we throw away twenty-five years of marriage without trying to save what we had?”

  Jill took a deep breath and looked into his eyes. “David, to tell you the truth, lately I’m not totally sure what we had. Our marriage was about my accepting your life, supporting what you wanted, and trying to mold myself around you. That’s not your fault, by the way. I was willing to do that because I loved you and thought that if you were happy, I’d be happy, too. I thought that would make both of us content. But now that I know you weren’t happy, it all seems so sad, as if we wasted our time. I want more. I’m not sure what a relationship with me would mean to you. And to be honest, David, I don’t believe I was happy living the way we were.”

  “You said ‘loved,’ past tense. Can you honestly say you’ve stopped loving me?” David lifted her chin and looked into her eyes. Then he leaned forward and kissed her, a surprising kiss, his lips fitting over hers in that way that evoked an automatic flutter deep in her lower abdomen. It had always been like that, and she found the sensation bittersweet.

  She felt her resolve to remain cool and detached rapidly deteriorate as David took her into his arms and continued kissing her. She returned the kiss, with reservations, as the familiar scent of expensive soap and Grey Flannel cologne filled her senses. Almost immediately, she also became aware of an inability to fully relax as an undercurrent of something she couldn’t identify gathered strength and rose up from inside.

  “David, I can’t,” she said and stepped back. “You showed up tonight without any warning. I’m just starting to get my feet under me again. I’m not sure what you wanted when you came by for dinner.”

  “What I wanted was to see you, Jill. I wanted the chance to tell you that we can change the way we’ve lived. We could start a new life together.”

  Jill could hardly believe her ears. “David, I don’t know what to say. What would that new life look like?” She waited anxiously, willing him to answer that they could have more time together, better communication, or more time with Liam.

  “For one thing, it wouldn’t involve this house. We could sell it and get a really nice apartment in Manhattan.”

  Jill’s stomach flopped. “You think that we should begin to start a new life by selling the house?” Was that all he could say? “David, when you and I made the decision to live here, neither of us wanted to live in the city because of the boys. When did that change for you?”

  “Jill, let’s face it: my career is in the city. The commute can be a killer, and everything we enjoy is in the city: restaurants, museums, theater, the whole social scene. I know you’ve got your job here, but you could start your own interior design company. Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about what it might mean to design multimillion dollar properties in Manhattan. Besides, there is such excitement there. Remember our dream when we were kids to live there?”

  “David, I already design multimillion dollar properties. Although I like going into the city for dinner or to shop on the weekends, I don’t really want to live there.” She did not add that living in New York City had been more his dream as a young man, and she had gone along with it. After they were married, they settled in Connecticut, which had been his decision as much as hers, since they both worked there. The invitation to join the network in Manhattan had come after they already had the twins and their big home in Connecticut. Jill waited for David to amend his suggestion—perhaps suggest a second, smaller apartment in the city for weekend fun. That would be a nice compromise.

  David ran his long fingers through his immaculate hair. As she had observed earlier, it was shot through with more silver than she remembered, and he had lost a considerable amount of weight; his expertly fitted jeans hung low on his hips. In just two months, he had aged at least ten years. He was quiet for a few moments, and she knew he was contemplating how to respond. He held one of her hands between his, studying her fingers.

  “You’re not wearing your wedding rings.” When she said nothing, he looked pained. “Is it that easy for you to just … detach?”

  She shook her head. “Nothing about this has been easy. You surely know that. Taking a step back from this very difficult and public situation is the only thing I can do, since I can’t seem to put aside what happened. I am still trying to understand why and how it happened. David, I still haven’t heard from you why you think you had an affair. It matters to me.” She paused. “What about the woman I saw you with in the magazine?” She asked the question calmly, not wanting to provoke him. That argument could end with a complete breakdown in communication between them, more family tension, and even escalate into a contested divorce. She had been warned by her attorney not to do anything that might delay finalization of their case for months or even years. Yet she wanted—no, needed—to learn the woman’s identity.

  “Jill, she’s a friend and colleague. I took her to an awards dinner. There’s nothing between us.”

  “What about Amber?”

  “Amber resigned. I have no idea where she is.”

  “David, finding out the way I did was the worst day of my life.”

  David flinched. “Jill, I’m asking you to think about giving me another chance. We can start over, maybe renew our vows and take a second honeymoon. I promise things will be better. We can talk about what our future would look like. Jill, I need you in my life. I need my wife back.”

  Jill was silent. This was not precisely everything she hoped to hear from him, but when he expressed need for her, she had a moment of déjà vu, remembering the early years and becoming confused. She was torn between asking David to leave and wanting to hear more—something that might help her better understand what had gone wrong between them. What if she never learned the reason he betrayed her? Was it possible to just forgive and forget?

  “All I want to do is be alone with you,” he said. “Let me prove how much I love you.”

  She knew exactly what that meant, and a fleeting thought of making love led her to wonder if it might fuse the great division between them. Their lovemaking had always been the primary way they communicated, but when he had the affair, she wondered if even that part of their lives was a lie. What did that say about them as a couple—that the connection was mostly physical? Yet she knew that if she did invite him back into their bedroom, there would be no turning back, and she would agree to let him come home. Everything could return to normal … a thought she now found inconceivable.

  Steeling herself, she picked up his leather jacket, catching a whiff of that beloved David smell. Handing it to him, she said, “David, I can’t give you what you’re asking of me, at least not now. The divorce won’t be final for some time. Between now and then, we’ll both have plenty of time to think and talk.” She walked him to the door. “That’s why they call it a cooling off period.”

  As she placed a hand on the front door knob, he reached out and took her hands, drawing her close. She did not make eye contact, fearful that he would kiss her again. Her legs were weak and unsteady, and she knew she was on the verge of tears. “David, I can’t—”

  “I can be a better man. Just give me a chance to prove it to you.”

  She wondered now what it would mean
to give David a second chance, or even how to go about it. If David wanted a second chance, he’d have to begin making some kind of effort. There was time to wait and see what his next move would be.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Mom, I have no idea what I’m going to do!” Jill began in a quavering voice when her mother answered the phone later that evening.

  “My goodness, what happened?” Nancy’s voice was as calm and reassuring as always.

  Jill could picture her mother and father sitting together in the den, enjoying a cup of tea and watching back-to-back episodes of Law and Order, as they had for years. She had thought fleetingly of driving over to see them, but it was getting late. Lord knows, her parents had better things to do than listen to yet another anguished phone call from their middle-aged daughter. Jill had decided, instead, to take a hot bath, put on her robe, and try to get her bearings. Yet, by nine thirty, she knew she wouldn’t sleep a wink if she didn’t talk with her mother, who would be able to put the evening’s events into perspective.

  “David stopped by unexpectedly at dinnertime and asked me to put the divorce on hold,” Jill announced. “He wants me to give him another chance.”

  “He hasn’t wanted the divorce all along, honey. You’ve surely been expecting this. What did you say?”

  “I said there will be plenty of time to consider things as we go along,” Jill said, wincing as she replayed the memory of their passionate kiss. “I’m not going to just stop the divorce now that it’s this far along. On the one hand, I feel like a failure for not trying to put everything back together. You know I always try to fix things. On the other hand, I can’t imagine being married to him anymore.”

  “It’s understandable you’d feel that way, given how long you’ve been together.”

  Jill chewed on a hangnail, wincing as it started to bleed. “I’ve been handling things so well the past few weeks; I’ve actually been happy. I didn’t intend to meet someone else so soon, but now that I’ve started spending time with Denny, I actually feel hopeful about the future.”