by Ho, Jo
I thought about the many beatings I had endured, all while I waited in vain for her to put a stop to it… and suddenly a new thought occurred. I wondered who he was using as a punching bag if I wasn’t there to take the blows. The thought stunned me until I found myself frozen to the spot. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t thought of this before. What if Tubs was hurting her now he couldn’t hurt me?
Part of me was thinking, good, let’s see how she liked to be pummeled for no reason, but another part of me, the part that was kind and loved by my new family felt pity.
Eight months on the street had taught me not to be a rash person, but I shoved away my doubts and found myself wandering the clinic until I reached Sully’s old office. A buzz had begun to sound inside my head. I figured it was nerves or a giant alarm, screeching at me to stop what I was about to do, but I ignored it. Like I was experiencing an outer-body moment, I watched myself pick up the phone and dial home.
The call rang and rang and rang.
With every unanswered ring, a coldness grew inside of me. What if she wasn’t living there anymore? Maybe she had changed her phone number or moved, in which case I would never be able to find her again. Then my thoughts took a dark turn. What if she wasn’t answering because she wasn’t alive anymore… I was turning numb at the possibility. I ran through the possible places I could check for information when the call was answered by a familiar male voice that instantly caused my body to be flooded with anger and fear.
“Hello?”
It was Tubs, but I could barely hear him over the noise. Trashy music played in the background, and I heard laughing. I recognized the song that was playing as one of Mom’s favorites. A crazy thought entered my mind.
Were they having a party?
“Hello? Speak up! I can’t hear you!” Tubs yelled into the phone. Unable to help myself, I flinched like I always did when he yelled. Even now, with the many months and miles between us, I hated that he could still have that effect on me.
And suddenly above the merriment, I heard Mom’s voice calling out to him.
“Is it Renny? Tell her she’s late and we’re still waiting on the pasta bowl!”
My hand tightened into a claw around the phone. I felt like I had been run over by a truck. Not only was she alive, she was thriving without me. She didn’t care at all that I was gone.
Tears welling in my eyes, I slammed the phone down.
15
Chase
I didn't know how long I had been standing there but Gideon’s voice shocked me from my dark place.
“What’re you doing?”
I wiped the tears from my eyes and spun around to face him. He stood there, drinking a glass of lemonade with a paper umbrella in it. Seeing the ridiculous decoration, a bubble of hysterical laughter burst out of me. The ludicrousness of it, coupled with my experience of just moments ago had me laughing in disbelief.
“OK,” he answered, looking at me as if I needed help.
“There’s an umbrella in your drink,” I gasped, holding my sides.
“Yeah, it came with it,” he replied, still not understanding why it was so funny, which of course, just made me laugh all the harder. He frowned at me and took another sip of his drink while he waited for me to regain my composure. “The others were wondering where you’d gotten to.”
I took a deep breath. “I’ll be there in a minute.”
He continued looking at me, his brilliant eyes scrutinizing my strange behavior. He must have seen through my insane laughter as he suddenly asked, “Is everything OK?”
I bit my lip, wondering if I should tell him. We talked a lot, the two of us and we were pretty close — at least, I thought we were — but I just wasn’t comfortable talking about this. I didn’t want him to think I was an idiot for calling her. When he’d learned of my past, he’d had a lot to say about what kind of people he thought they were. I knew his opinion on them as he’d dubbed them trailer trash. I didn’t want him to think less of me now so I figured it’d be best to just keep quiet about my call.
“I’m fine. Just hungry is all.”
“Tell me something I don’t know. Well, come on, the food’s almost done. Those skewer things are amazing by the way, I’ve already had three. Bandit’s been begging Sully, but he won’t cave so you’ll have to sneak him some.” He waited for me to go. I moved past him and lead the way back outside.
“Mark must have stocks in hair gel, don’t you think? And who doesn’t wear socks in their shoes? Freaking hipsters,” he lamented.
I burst out laughing again but this time it was for real.
Trust Gideon.
He could always make me feel better.
16
Sully
We chowed down the delicious food and were spread around the terrace now, chatting in groups.
I finished my beer as Mark came up to me brandishing another one that he shook in front of my face. Good with the few I’d already had, I declined.
“Come on, Sul, loosen up.”
“I’m not the one who wears suits for a living OK. I’m plenty loose,” I retorted. “Anyhow, I don’t drink as much as I used to now. My tolerance seems to have lowered as a result.”
Mark looked over at Sam, talking to Florence and Zeb. “I’m guessing that’s a good woman’s influence on you?”
I smiled. “She’s the best.”
“Very different from Emma though. She’s tougher, though she’s no less feminine for it. ”
I fake glared at him. “Will you stop checking out my bride-to-be? She’s off-bounds.”
He rolled his eyes at me. “As if I would go for your seconds. She’s not my type, anyway.”
“Yeah, nowhere near submissive enough for you,” I said.
“There’s nothing wrong with an easy life, friend. I get enough excitement with the job as it is, and that was without all your shenanigans.”
We stopped ribbing each other, both of us staring at this group of people I called family. Chase laughed at something Gideon had said, while Bandit watched the two of them, his tail wagging. Sam nibbled on a piece of pie as she chatted with Florence, Zeb, and the vets. Mark shook his head, struggling to take it all in. “I can’t believe how much your life has changed.”
“You and me both. I wouldn’t have it any other way now.” Even as I said the words, I knew that I meant them. It was a cliche but time had healed all wounds. Like she could sense what we were talking about, Sam looked over at me and smiled, lighting up the place. God, she was an amazing woman. That I had won this lottery not once, but twice — I knew I was luckier than I had reason to be.
“She’d be happy for you, you know. Emma,” Mark said softly. “She wanted you to remarry again.”
I looked away from Sam to stare at my friend, startled by this bit of news. “She did? How do you know that?”
“She told me. During one of my last visits with her, back at the hospital.” His eyes turned serious as he recalled the moment. “She made me promise that when the time was right, she wanted me to give you her blessing.”
Tears pricked at the corners of my eyelids. I felt a huge sense of relief at his words but there was also confusion. “Why didn’t she say any of this to me?”
“Are you serious? You were insane with grief, Sul, and mad at the world. You were in no condition to think about the future much less the possibility of another woman. She knew that too, which is why she left it to me.”
Overwhelmed with feeling, I snatched the bottle from his hand. “You’re right, this is a celebration so I should have another.”
He slapped me on the shoulder, grinning. “Knock yourself out. Not literally though, I don’t want Sam coming after me with her gun.”
I laughed, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.
17
Sully
Dawn broke, bringing along with it birdsong that lit up the morning.
We had camped out last night in my old apartment above the clinic. Matt and Izzy, the ne
w vets — and a couple like Emma and I had been — were warm and welcoming hosts, graciously opening their home to us. Mark had said we could stay at his place, a penthouse apartment in the Chelsea district of New York, but we’d already traveled so much, the last thing any of us wanted was to feel the floor moving beneath our feet, even if it would have been the priciest floor the kids would ever have seen. Despite this, I was surprised by their unwillingness to move until I found them on the Playstation, Chase and Gideon played on that thing well into the night.
Sam hasn’t said much to me last night, just that she now knew why leaving here was an even bigger deal than she had imagined — she liked Florence and Mark well enough, but it was their loyalty to me that had brought tears to her eyes. After she had kissed me goodnight, she didn’t say anything else. I knew she was giving me space, letting me process my own thoughts back under this roof where I had called home before we had met. I was grateful for her understanding.
I moved out of the bed carefully, not wanting to wake her. Her hair fell in wild abandon over her shoulders as she slept, and she was making that funny little sound she always did, the one that I now couldn’t sleep without hearing. I squinted into the still dark room as I climbed over suitcases and shoes to find my workout clothes.
Tugging on a pair of jogging pants and a sweatshirt, I opened the door slowly and snuck outside, stepping over Gideon, sleeping on the floor by Chase. Seeing me, Bandit’s ears pricked up as he chuffed in greeting and thumped his tail, but I put a finger to my mouth.
“Shush, don’t wake them,” I said to him. “Let them sleep.” To my surprise, he nodded. I probably shouldn’t have been shocked by this, but Bandit’s intelligence still caught me off-guard at times. Patting him on the head, I made my way outside.
The air was crisp with the taste that always seemed to follow a recent sunrise. I jogged slowly, enjoying the simple sensation of tarmac beneath my feet. Though my gunshot wound meant I couldn’t run like I used to, jogging still brought relief. This was still where I did my best thinking. Alone, out here in the streets, my thoughts could untangle themselves and any pressing concerns usually resolved themselves by the time I returned home.
I took in the familiar streets, drinking in the sight of them as I made my way to my destination. The neighborhood hadn’t changed much: immaculate lawns and brightly painted houses with overflowing flower baskets hanging from front porches still greeted me from every angle. The place still looked as if it were straight out of a spread in Better Homes and Gardens. I’m not sure why I thought coming back things would be different. I had changed so much in the last year I naturally assumed the same would be said of Ellington. Instead, I had to contend with seeing the ghost of Emma around every corner.
My thoughts drifted to Chase, who I noticed was also quiet last night. Several times I had tried to reach her, but, whenever I caught her eye, she would give me a small smile and look away. It wasn’t until then that I remembered she had her own memories of this place, and none of them good. I planned on talking to her after my run, until then, she always had Bandit to confide in — many’s the night I’ve walked past her room to hear the two of them conversing fiercely. A kid and their dog was a bond that could never be broken or replicated.
The hard ground changed to grass as I turned a corner into an area of brilliant green. I jogged past two six foot wrought-iron gates into the manicured lawns surrounding neat rows of headstones. Some were elaborate effigies of angels while others were basic domes of stone. Emma and I had always found the statues too ostentatious and had promised each other that our own would be simple but solid, like our relationship.
When I had lived here, I came to this cemetery once a week, but it had now been half a year since my last visit. I knew it couldn’t be helped, but I couldn’t stop the sudden pain in my heart all the same.
Never forgotten, always and forever.
Those were the words I had decided for Emma’s tombstone. A mix of my feelings and our vows. I took the paths automatically, not paying attention to them. It was as if my feet knew exactly how to get there and my brain didn’t have to do anything at all. I passed by a grove of trees shaped in an arc and steeled myself, knowing I was approaching her resting place. As I grew closer and finally caught sight of her tombstone, I blinked and slowed to a walk, uncertain if what I was seeing was real.
Instead of the neat patch of grass I expected to see, the dirt had shifted and clumps of grass lay on top of the grave. I barely processed the idea that it could not have been an Earthquake, not unless they were now a possibility in New England. So this meant only one thing — someone had vandalized Emma’s grave.
18
Sully
I was rooted to the spot, unable to take in the sight before me.
There was the remnants of a hole that went down a ways though thankfully not far enough for me to see down to her coffin.
Bile crept up in my throat, but I forced myself to keep it down.
What the hell was going on around here?
I looked around, eyes scanning the scenery to see if I could spot the culprit of the grave desecrater lurking around, but at this time of the morning, outside of the birds, I was the only visitor.
I didn’t know what to do.
Part of me wanted to throw that dirt back and cover up the hole so Emma was safely tucked away beneath… But another part of me, the angry, twisted part was picturing what I would do to the person if I ever discovered who the hateful jerk was. Flushed with rage, I allowed myself the luxury of pummeling him in my head.
I was still picturing myself smashing his head into the dirt when I caught sight of something on the ground. It was small, with a dull brown pattern on it. As I got closer, I realized it was a hair clip, the kind Emma wore every day to keep her hair out of her face. I remembered she called it a banana clip. It stood out in my mind as I had always considered it a ludicrous name, for a ridiculous-looking object. This clip looked exactly like the ones she wore. Bending down, I picked it up to examine it and saw that I was mistaken. That splash of dull color wasn’t a brown pattern at all.
It was blood.
My eyes flew open, startled by my discovery. I had never been one to believe in coincidences but the odds were stacking up. I contemplated calling Sam with my discovery. If there were a logical explanation, Sam would find it. She would be able to make sense of this. Retrieving my phone from my back pocket, I unlocked the home screen when a chime sounded. It was a text message, but it came from a number I never expected to see again. The message flashed up on my screen, bright as day.
“Help me.”
It was from Emma’s phone.
Blood rushed into my head. I felt hysteria building up inside of me and my breathing begin to constrict. Gasping for air, I clawed at my throat but couldn’t get my anxiety to die down. As panic took over, the world spun.
I felt the ground rushing up to meet me until my face landed in the dirt and I was blessedly out for the count.
19
Chase
I knew something was up the instant I woke.
Bandit was prodding my shoulder with his nose, trying to get me to wake. When I asked him what was wrong, he just said “Sully,” with his iPad and circled the floor in agitation. It only took a few minutes for me to realize he wasn’t here. I woke Gideon, but we decided against worrying Zeb or Sam — last night had been tough on them, and I didn’t get the feeling from Bandit that Sully was in danger. Still, Bandit said he’d been gone a while, and he wasn’t particularly happy.
“Can you find him boy?” Gideon asked.
“Woof.” Bandit took off so fast, we had to run to keep up with him. We ran past Sully’s old neighborhood. I couldn’t help but remember how, on that night we had met Sully, we had run through these streets then, though those circumstances had been life and death. In the bright light of day, I could see it was a decent place. There wasn’t a single lawn that wasn’t cared for, or a car illegally parked. Not for the first time,
I felt bad that I had made him leave his perfect life here.
After a while, I realized Bandit was leading us to the cemetery when I saw the sign looming overhead. I wondered if we shouldn’t respect Sully’s wish to be alone, but then again, he had been gone a while… I figured he’d just have to be mad at us. We rounded a bend when Bandit barked a warning before tearing off towards something in the distance. I squinted into the horizon before I realized what the slumped mound on the ground was.
“Sully!” I screamed.
We hurried to his side. My heart was racing as I fell to my knees. Bandit was darting around him, sniffing in agitation as Gideon felt for a pulse.
“Is he OK? What’s wrong with him?” I cried.
“He has a pulse. It’s strong.” Gideon examined Sully, checking for obvious wounds. “I can’t find anything immediately wrong with him.” He was still looking for injuries when Sully groaned and slowly opened his eyes. He looked up at us, glazed and groggy.
“What’s going on?”
“We just found you passed out on the ground. Are you OK? What happened?” I couldn’t stop the shrillness in my voice, this being the last thing I expected to find. Sully blinked at us, taking in his surroundings. His eyes grew suddenly weary.