by KB Winters
“It’s okay,” Heather said finally. She gave me a small smile that I tried to return. “I’m sorry too for calling you a coward.”
I shook my head. “No, you shouldn’t apologize for that. You were totally right.” I sighed before sitting back in my chair. “I am a coward.”
“Don’t say that, Savannah.” Heather leaned forward. “You were right to be wary. Cole may be a great guy, but it’s true you barely know him, and to uproot your life for a man you barely know is a bit insane.”
“It is,” I agreed. “But, I still want to.” Saying it made something in me lighten.
“Have you talked to him?”
“No, not at all. He called me once about a week after he left, but I didn’t answer,” I replied quietly. My heartbeat still spiked at the memory of seeing Cole’s name on my caller id. Even now, I wanted to call him back and apologize for shutting him out.
“Why not answer and tell him you’ve reconsidered?”
“Well, he hasn’t called since then,” I answered with a tight smile. Trying to joke about it didn’t make things any better. “Plus, I’m afraid he might not care. What if he’s moved on? I’m sure there are plenty of other women in Baltimore that are twice as gorgeous with a lot less baggage.”
Heather snorted. “Doubtful. Sweetie, everyone has some type of baggage these days.”
“Well then, maybe he’ll find someone who doesn’t need to always be in control.”
“Savannah, are you listening to yourself?” Heather stood up and walked around the desk until she stood beside me. “Did you talk like this when you were around Cole? Trying to talk him out of wanting to be with you?”
I frowned up at her. That was a weird question for her to ask me. “I never tried to talk him out of being with me. Why would you even ask that?”
“Because the way you’re talking, it’s almost as if you were looking for something wrong with you. You’re a high school principal, of course you like to be in control. If you didn’t maintain control, this place would fall apart in a second. That’s just the nature of the beast.”
“Well…yeah, bu—“
“And like I said before, who doesn’t have baggage these days?” Heather continued as if I hadn’t spoken. “Sure, you have the baggage of a previous shitty relationship. In the grand scheme of things, that’s pretty minor considering the fact that Cole is caring for his chronically ill mother and practically raising his little sister as well. If anyone should be worried about bringing baggage to the relationship, it should be him, not you.”
I blinked slowly as I considered her words. It was true that on the surface it looked as if Cole had a lot of baggage to bring to a relationship, but I didn’t see his family like that. “I mean, I see what you’re saying, but Cole’s family really isn’t a burden or baggage in my opinion.”
Heather smiled at my words. “Exactly. In that same way, perhaps Cole doesn’t consider you’re jumping to conclusions or shutting things down before a relationship can even begin baggage either—or rather, he probably didn’t before you stopped responding to him.”
“Fuck,” I uttered quietly. “I am an idiot.”
“Yeah.” I looked up sharply at Heather’s agreement. She quickly put her hands up in surrender. “Don’t look at me like that, you said it, I’m just agreeing with you.”
“Thanks,” I huffed out in faux annoyance. The twitching of my lips betrayed me though, and Heather smiled as well in response. “So now what do I do?”
“Uhm…call him?”
The thought of calling Cole after weeks of trying to pretend he didn’t exist made my stomach turn and I put my hand over it to calm myself. “Do you really think that’s a good idea? I ignored his call and never called him back. What if he never wants to speak to me again?”
“Then you chalk it up to a lesson learned and try not to fuck things up again.”
Her answer was simple, but I couldn’t stand the thought of hearing Cole say that he was done with me. Just imagining those words coming out of his mouth pushed me to standing as I felt a wave of nausea rush over me.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” I moaned a moment before I felt a rush of bile push its way into my throat. I turned quickly grabbing the waste basket beside my desk and narrowly getting it in front of me in time to catch the first pulse of bile as it exited my mouth. My eyes watered at the acrid burn, and I tried not to breathe in to keep away the stench of my lunch making an abrupt reappearance.
“God, Savannah, are you okay?” Heather’s worried face swam into my vision. She took the waste basket out of my trembling hands and pushed me gently back into my seat. I went with the motion, stomach still rolling slightly, and I tried hard to will the rest of my nausea away. “Are you sick? Have you been throwing up like this a lot lately?” Heather put her hand to my forehead, and I leaned into the simple touch.
“I think I’m okay. I’ve just been really nauseous for the past few days.”
Heather’s hands moved down to cup my flushed cheeks. “The past few days? Have you gone to the doctor to see what’s going on?”
I shook my head. “No. I don’t feel sick. It’s just the throwing up every now and then. I’m sure it’s no big deal, probably just a stomach bug from the students or something.”
“That’s weird though. No one else has been sick, at least not throwing up— otherwise, I’d have heard something from the parents, or the nurse would have made an announcement.” Heather paused and considered me for a moment. I just concentrated on breathing steadily and waited for her to speak. “Don’t get pissed at me or anything for asking, but…do you think, is there a chance you might be pregnant?”
I frowned. “Pregnant? Of course not.”
“Are you sure? I mean, I know you haven’t had sex since Cole left, but it has been two months and most women find out around then.”
“Heather, there is no way I’m pregnant. Cole and I used protection and I had my period like three weeks ago.”
She nodded though her expression was still thoughtful. “Was it a full length period like you always have?”
I thought back. I was pretty sure that I had a full period, but my cycles had always been highly irregular and I was terrible about remembering to take my pill. “I think so. You know my periods are always ridiculously irregular and—” I belched loudly interrupting myself. “Sorry. I don’t know what’s going on with my body right now.”
“I think you should take a pregnancy test, hun. I know you said you guys used protection, but stranger things have happened.”
“Heather, I’m not pregnant.”
She smiled. “Then pissing on a stick will be no big deal.”
I rolled my eyes at her grin and let out another belch. As gross as it was, I felt somewhat vindicated when her expression turned to one of disgust. I resigned myself with a sigh. There was no way I was pregnant.
Chapter Two
“Holy fucking shit,” I whispered as I held the pregnancy test in my hand. I scrambled for the box in disbelief to look over the indicators again. Surely I’d done something wrong. “Plus…means pregnant. Plus…” My voice trailed off as I looked from the box back to the plastic stick in my hand.
“I’m pregnant.”
Those words were alien to my ears and I felt numb. How could this have happened? Did Cole have fucking super soldier sperm that could chew through condoms?
“Oh my God.”
I placed the plastic on my bathroom sink and stepped out of the bathroom as if the farther I got from it, the less real it would be. Hurrying over to my cell phone, the only thought in my mind was what the hell I was going to do now. There was no doubt that the baby was Cole’s. I hadn’t been with anyone else since months before I met him and definitely no one after. I clumsily dialed Kelly’s number and whispered a little prayer that she would answer while I waited.
“Hello?”
“Kels? Kelly?” I couldn’t help the frantic lilt of my voice as I stared down at the bit of plastic. �
��Are you free? Can I talk to you for a moment?” I could hear some faint talking on the other end and I wondered for a split second where she was.
“Well, I’m actually a little—”
“Please,” I cut her off pleading for just a moment of time. “I really really need to talk to someone.”
Kelly sighed, but I could hear some of the chatter quiet. “Fine. What’s going on?”
“Just…it’s about Cole and—”
“Cole? Again?” She interrupted annoyance clear in her voice. “I thought you were done after deciding not to go with him.”
“I know I said I was done with him, but—”
“Then why are you beating yourself up about this and continuously harping on the fact that he’s gone? You had the choice to go with him, and you declined so maybe it’s time to move on?”
I was too shocked to reply at first. In all of our years of being friends, Kelly had never spoken to me like that before, and I didn’t like it in the least bit. “What the fuck Kelly? I was just asking to talk to my best friend about something. If you didn’t want to talk, you could have just said so.”
“I did try to say so until you guilted me into staying on the phone.”
“So why don’t you just fucking hang up then since I’m such a bother to you,” I exclaimed. Where the hell was all of this coming from?
“Oh stop it with the fucking pity party, Savannah. I get it—relationships are hard, especially after finding out someone you loved wasn’t the person they said they were, but it has been two years and it’s time to move on.”
Her words stung despite their truth. “I’m not throwing a pity party for myself. It’s not my fault that your life is perfect compared to mine. Not everyone lands their dream job, or finds their soul mate in college.”
“My life is perfect?” Kelly’s voice pierced my eardrum and I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “You think my life is perfect?”
I snorted at her question though it sounded less than amused. “Of course I do— everyone does. Everyone talks about how lucky you are to have the perfect job, and perfect husband, and that you’ll probably have the perfect children to carry on your perfe—”
“I’m infertile.”
The words fell like stones between us, and it took me a moment before I processed them. I could hear Kelly breathing heavily on the other line.
“You’re…what did you say?” I asked tentatively.
Kelly let out a sigh over the phone before answering. “I said I’m infertile. I can’t have any fucking kids, okay?”
I walked into the living room and fell back onto the couch. The pregnancy test in my hand now felt even heavier as I contemplated her words and tried to find something to say.
“How do you…I mean, have you seen a doctor?” I asked softly.
“That’s where I am right now.” I could hear the rustle of fabric over the phone and I wondered if she had locked herself in one of the patient rooms. “I took a few tests and came today to get my results.”
“A few tests?” I wasn’t trying to be nosy, I just really couldn’t fathom how someone as healthy and in shape as Kelly could possibly have any trouble conceiving a child. She was like the poster child for healthy living.
“Yeah. There was some hyster—thing that I can’t pronounce and then ovarian reserve testing and an ultrasound and…” Her voice trailed off. I could hear her breathe out heavily and the thought of what she must be feeling had me swallowing back my own tears. “The doctor said that I have about a fifteen percent chance of conceiving naturally and carrying the baby to term.”
“Fifteen? That sounds—”
“Absurdly low and I would hope grossly inaccurate. I’m too young for this to be happening to me Savannah, but we’ve been trying to have a baby since we graduated and I haven’t even gotten a false positive.”
“Oh Kelly…”
“It’s not fair, Savannah! So many people out there get pregnant without even trying, and they don’t even want a baby.” Her words made me wince as they described my situation perfectly, but I stayed quiet and let her get her feelings out. “We’ve been trying almost every day for two years and nothing. It’s like,” her voice grew quiet. “It’s like I’m broken or something.”
Right then, I knew I couldn’t tell Kelly about my pregnancy. Not now, and maybe not ever—depending on what I decided to do. “You are not broken, so don’t ever let me hear you say that again.”
“I know. Logically, my brain knows all this, but it’s hard not to feel like I’m worthless.” Kelly said her voice meek and so unlike her. “I’m failing at doing the one job my body is designed to do. How does that not make me a failure?”
“Because you are not just a breeding machine, Kelly. You are a wonderful person and a loving partner. You are so much more than your ovaries, and your uterus, and your ability to push a watermelon out of your vagina.” I smiled when I heard her huff out a quiet laugh. “Kelly, there are millions of women out there who deal with infertility as well, so please don’t think you’re alone—or defective.”
“I know. It’s just so hard,” she admitted.
I nodded my head even though I knew she couldn’t see it. “What has Cliff said about it all?” I knew Cliff, Kelly’s brand new husband, was probably extra sweet about it, but I figured reminding her might take a little more of the pressure off.
“Oh, Savannah.” Kelly’s voice broke, and I was alarmed to hear her sobbing on the other end of the phone.
“Kelly? What happened?” My blood ran cold with a sudden thought. “Did Cliff say something to—is he blaming you for this? Because if he is, I will go find him and—”
“No!” She exclaimed cutting me off. “No, nothing like that. Cliff has been nothing but amazing and understanding. and I don’t feel as if I deserve him.”
“Sweetie, of course you deserve him,” I said trying to console her. “Both of you are young, and you have so many years to keep trying as well as other options, right?”
Kelly sniffed. “Yeah. My doctor actually wants to discuss some possible treatments today. I’m just waiting for Cliff to get here.”
I smiled, relieved that I wouldn’t have to change my view of her husband. “There you go. Honey, you are amazing and wonderful and one way or another, I know you’ll get to pass along those same great qualities to the next generation. I mean, you tamed Tiffany. Only a special type of person could do that.”
Her rich laughter floating from the phone brightened my mood and I knew we were okay again. “And I just want to say, I’m sorry Kelly. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”
“No, it’s okay. I’ve been under a lot of pressure, and I know I haven’t really been there for you through everything.”
I shook my head. “You have enough pressure to deal with and I’m just venting.” I heard the sound of a door opening on the other line.
“Kelly? What are you doing in here, baby?”
The sound of Cliff’s voice made me smile. “Go talk to the doctor Kels and let Cliff give you a big hug.”
“Are you sure? Didn’t you want to talk about Cole?”
“Absolutely not. You are far more important right now than any old man.” I smiled at her laughter. “I love you, Kels.”
“I love you too, Savannah. I’ll call you tomorrow?”
“Definitely. Give Cliff my love.”
After I hung up the phone, I sat there on the couch lost in thought. Kelly was right. I often thought of her life as more than perfect, but in doing so, I had neglected to see what she was going through. I was so wrapped up in my own problems that I ignored my friend when she needed me most, and that had to change. I’d gotten into arguments with two of my closest friends over a guy and that was just unacceptable to me.
The doorbell ringing shook me from my thoughts and without even thinking, I stood up and walked over to open it.
“Cole?” It was a shock to my system and when he didn’t answer I started to legitimately think I was dreaming. “W
hat are you doing here?”
“I…” His voice trailed off and his gaze was somewhere near my hip. My eyes widened as I realized the pregnancy test was still in my hand. I quickly put it behind me, but I knew when his eyes shot up to mine that it was too late.
“Let me explain.”
“Are you pregnant?” His question was quiet as if he’d lost the ability to breathe. I swallowed before answering.
“Apparently, yes.”
That one word was like a cold shock to my system, but before Cole could say anything more, darkness fell over my vision. The last thing I remembered before darkness engulfed me, was a shout of alarm as the ground rushed up to meet my head.
Chapter Three
“Hmm,” I hummed as my mind got back online. I opened my eyes, slightly glad that it was dark in my room.
Wait.
“What am I doing in here?” I asked myself opening my eyes fully and seeing my ceiling. The last thing I remembered was talking to Kelly about her infertility issues and then— “Oh my God.” I sat up quickly, blinking against the light-headed feeling from my blood rushing south too quickly. I glanced around but nothing in my bedroom was out of place. I could, however, see that the light in my living room was one thanks to my door and floor not meeting completely. I flung the covers away and stood up. I had to brace myself against the bed frame for a moment until my legs felt stable enough to sustain my own weight.
“Now I know how Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz felt when she walked out of her house after that tornado.” My words were the only sounds I could hear, but I knew that it wouldn’t be that way for long. Each step towards the door felt like I was walking into a trap of my own making, but I knew that I couldn’t hide from this—not again. It was time for me to stop being a coward and get over my own issues.
“I was wondering when you would wake up.” Cole’s voice called out after I opened my bedroom door. My eyes blinked against the bright overhead light, and my vision took a moment to adjust. When I could focus clearly, my gaze honed in on Cole where he was sitting on my small couch. To my dismay, I could see that he was holding the plastic pregnancy test in his hands. He didn’t look up at me though—his gaze riveted on the clearly visible blue plus sign.