I'd Rather Not Be Dead

by Andrea Brokaw

  The other me agrees. “Not everyone's as unstable as you, Mister I Talk to Inanimate Objects Because They Don't Talk Back.”

  “Alright,” he mutters. “But I wouldn't go near any high places with him anytime soon.”

  The other me stops abruptly and jams the lit end of her cigarette toward Finn. “You've been talking to Rain!”

  The proper response here is for Finn to lie, but he takes a heartbeat too long to do it.

  TOM growls in disgust. “She doesn't need encouraging, you dumb hick! Why don't you use your powers for good instead of evil for once?”

  Finn stares at her. “I...”

  “Save it,” she snaps, cutting into someone's yard and making a beeline to the woods beyond it.

  He watches her, then starts to follow until I grab his arm. “No. I know where she's going. She'll be alright. Even if you're right about Cris, he won't find her there.”

  He gives me a curious look. “It's just a place. One of those alone sort of places.”

  “Right,” he murmurs. “Not somewhere I should go then...”

  “I'll take you there later,” I promise, making him smile just a little.

  The mountains rise darkly around us, swathes of black across a sky lit by stars and a bright moon. Clouds are coming in but for now it's clear enough for the moon to light the way better than the street lights we hit when we get closer to Finn's place.

  The TV's on downstairs and when we open the door, lines from near the end of The Princess Bride come quietly to greet us.

  “Hey, Finn,” his mom calls out.

  “Hey, Mom.” He turns the corner to look into the room where his mom's sewing a tiny jacket with only the flicker of the television as light. The smile she gives him is warm, but distant. And her eyes pass over me like I'm just a parcel of air. “You still up?”

  No, she's sleep-sewing. The words form in my thoughts but I leave them unsaid. Sitting alone on a Friday night making a costume for a teddy bear, Ms. Finnegan is just too pitiable for me to snark about.

  “I let the ferrets out for a while,” she says. “They hate it when you don't stop in after school. They miss you.” Her face is hidden by a loose veil of hair and there's no self-pity in her voice, but there's a vulnerability in her slumped posture.

  “I'm sorry,” Finn says with enough sympathy for me to know he read the same things into his mother's stance I did. She said the ferrets missed him. She meant she did. But she's either too proud or too sensible to say it. He goes over and gives her a kiss on the top of her head while Princess Buttercup threatens to kill herself on-screen.

  “You should let them out again,” Finn's mom murmurs.

  “Alright.” He straightens and looks down at her for a moment. “You're going to bed when this is over, right?”

  “Of course.”

  Nodding, he gives her shoulder a squeeze and starts to go.

  “Oh!” she calls out suddenly. “I almost forgot!”

  “What?” Patiently, he gives her some time to organize her thoughts.

  “A girl stopped by. Bobbi?” She waits for Finn to nod that he knows who she means. “She said she was checking to make sure you're okay and still going to Blue Ridge tomorrow.”

  “Okay.” He processes the information. “Thanks.”

  “I like her,” his mom says softly. “She's nice.”

  “Yeah,” Finn agrees. “She's Drew's sister.”

  “Drew who was over here the other day?”

  He smiles faintly. “Yeah, that Drew.”

  “They look like sisters,” she observes. Which makes me question her eyesight. Do those pills of hers distort the real world in addition to hiding Shadow?

  “They do,” Finn agrees, against all evidence to the contrary.

  “I like her too.”

  His smile widens. “So do I.”

  “Rain too. All three of them look like sisters.”

  “Yep.”

  I look at Finn to try conveying to him that he's nuts, but he ignores me as his mother speaks again. “Fiona says she might come for Christmas.”

  Finn doesn't bat an eyelash at the shift of subject. And he doesn't remind his mom of what he told me a few nights ago, that Big Sister Fiona hasn't set foot anywhere near Pine Ridge since the week she graduated high school two years ago. All he does is say, “Cool. It'd be good to see her.”

  The movie's close enough to the end for him to hover until the closing credits so he can turn stuff off while his mom puts her project away. Then he walks her to her room and gives her a quick hug. “Night, Mom.”

  “Night, sweetie.”

  He takes my hand as her door closes and leads me up the next flight of stairs without either of us speaking.

  The ferrets are ecstatic over our arrival. Despite what Finn's mom said about these two feeling lonely, ferrets, unlike cats, never act too mad over being neglected. They're more like dogs in just being pathetically happy with the here and now. Finn lets them out and we play for a few minutes before picking up most of the food from the floor. We don't worry about the pieces we miss, leaving them to be found by the fuzzies as a sort of game. Everything's a game when you're a ferret, even cleaning up.

  It occurs to me that if my mother had been in the room, she would have done something about the pellets. I wonder if Finn's mom figured he'd take care of it later or if she managed not to notice them. I miss my mom, but I wouldn't let myself dwell on that even if Finn didn't distract me. Unfortunately he's not distracting me by holding me close and doing wonderful things to me, he's distracting me by hovering around the window, glowering out into a night that's mostly hidden by the reflections on the glass, and grinding his teeth together until I itch to hold his jaw in place.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  His look lets me know he would have thought that obvious.

  Sighing, I stand next to him and look out too. I can make out shapes in the yard, clouds in the sky... But no burning letters spelling out the time and means of my demise. “You're just going to drive yourself crazy.”

  “What am I supposed to do?” He balls his hands into fists and places them heavily on the windowsill as he snarls at his reflection. “Pretend everything's wonderful? Act like I'm not about to get you killed?”

  I swallow a lump in my throat and tell myself I'm not permitted to cry. “It's not your fault I'm dead, Finn.”

  His teeth grind again before he responds. “You said so yourself.”

  I stop myself just before I deny his words. Because I did say that, didn't I? When I first showed up in Shadow and was desperate to get him to save me, I told him that at best he was an accomplice if he knew I was going to die and didn't stop it. “I was wrong.”

  The first sound he makes is an incredibly rude snort of derision. The second is a caustic laugh. “Wow, Drew McKinney admits she was wrong. Sad the lengths the universe had to go to achieving that.”

  I try not to let the attack get to me. “Lashing out in sarcasm is my thing, not yours.”

  His tension loosens and he turns his head to look down at me. “Thought you'd caught on to us having more in common than you thought.”

  A smile teases his mouth and I brush a finger along his lower lip.

  My finger continues, gliding over his cheek. I arch onto my toes and let my lips come against Finn's. His arms go around me as he responds to being kissed and we move onto the couch, laying next to each other while the kiss continues. And that's all we're doing, kissing. Slowly. Gently. In perfect sync with one another.

  The ferrets fall asleep curled up in the floor beside us. Long after I've lost track of time, Finn notices and moves them into their cage without waking them.

  He locks their door, then stands and looks across the room at me.

  By the time he makes it back to the couch, kissing isn't enough. We move together, movements perfectly matched. I help him pull off my sweater, enjoying myself too much to speed things up making my clothing disappear.

  His shirt joins mi
ne on the floor.

  “Drew?” Finn murmurs, his eyes closing as my fingers slide under the top of his jeans. Reaching down, he grabs my hand and I stop, confused. “Drew?”

  “What's wrong?”

  His eyes search mine, but I don't know what he's looking for.

  The silence stretches.

  “If you're worrying about birth control,” I offer, “I don't think ghosts need it.”

  His throat catches on his next breath. “Tell me this isn't about you being a ghost. That it isn't because no one else can touch you.”

  My insides melt. “This isn't about how many people can touch me. The only person I want touching me is you.”

  His fingers brush against my brows, holding my hair back from my face as his gaze continues to plunder mine. “Tell me it's not because you're lonely.”

  It's a struggle not to laugh. “I'm less lonely now than I've ever been, Finn.” I let myself give in to a sappy smile. “I was alone my whole life. Now I'm not.”

  “Were you?” The question is scarcely louder than his breathing.

  “Yes.” The reply is just as quiet.

  “You had Cris.”

  Ah... “But I needed you.”

  The depth of truth in that statement rocks me to my core. And it was the right answer. Finn's reserve vanishes in an instant and it's a deliciously long time before either of us is capable of asking questions again.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Finn's phone makes a truly obnoxious sound while he glares at it without showing any sign of picking it up. “Shut the damn thing off,” I grumble, reaching toward it myself.

  He jerks, pulled out of some thought and uses his longer arm and better position to grab the thing off the floor and press the key that silences it. He drops it unceremoniously on the carpet, wraps his arms around me and holds me down on top of him.

  “You're dressed,” I can't help but notice.

  “Had to go to the store.” He smiles lazily as his fingers draw little circles on my back.

  “Right. Inventory shipment.” I undo the top button of his work shirt, place a kiss on the freshly revealed skin. “I would've gone with you.”

  He laughs. “I'd have had to carry you. You were sleeping like...”

  A second button, a second kiss. “The dead?”

  “Yeah.” His breath hisses inward as I slide my body down his to get to the next button.

  “When are your friends picking you up?”

  He starts to tremble as I get his shirt all the way open. “They aren't.”

  Reaching down, he grabs my hair and tugs me up far enough that he can kiss me with a possessive passion that makes me really, really want to believe him.

  “Tis not the moon, but the sun,” I whisper against his lips, likely getting the quote wrong but not caring.

  “Not a lark,” he counters. “A nightingale.” Wrapping his hand around the back of my neck, he pulls me tighter and suddenly the quotes in my head shift from Romeo and Juliet to Taming of the Shrew. If he says that's the moon, it's the moon. Of course no one's coming to get him. I would never dream of arguing with anyone who makes me feel like this.

  The phone rings but we ignore it. Then the land line rings. Then, when he's shrugged out of his shirt and I'm working on his pants, his mom bangs on the door. And starts to open it...

  Instinctively, I try to leap away, but Finn holds me in place even as he quickly works his shirtsleeves back over his arms. I envision a new set of clothes for myself, feeling stupid when I realize I'm invisible and then feeling smart when I realize Finn mom's looking right at me, her eyes huge and her mouth slightly open. She blushes bright red. “I'm sorry. It's Drew, isn't it? Oh, God. I'm sorry. I didn't...” Her eyes go to Finn. “You have a phone call.”

  She all but flies out of the room.

  My head crashes onto Finn's shoulder.

  “Of all times to be off her meds,” he mutters.

  In situations like this, it's either laugh or cry, so I laugh. “Are you in trouble?”

  “Don't know. Never been caught with a girl up here before.” He sits up, shifting me so he can carry me over to the phone and then sitting in the computer chair with me on his lap. “My sister's done a lot worse though.”

  “Oh?” I raise my eyebrows.

  Avoiding the topic, Finn grabs the phone. “Hello?” He tries to make his voice sound tired, maybe even sick.

  “Rain, hi!” Holding onto me, he sits up straighter. “More dreams?”

  I lean my head against his and we share the receiver.

  “No,” she sobs. “Just the same dream over again. And she still doesn't believe me.”

  “Did you notice any more details?” he asks gently. “How bare were the trees?”

  She sniffles. “Fewer leaves than now. A lot fewer.”

  “So, we have a while still,” Finn says, rubbing his hand up and down my arm.

  “I guess,” Rain whispers.

  “I'll figure something out,” he tells her, sounding a lot more confident than I know him to be.

  “Okay,” she breathes. “Finn?”

  “Yeah?”

  “If it makes any difference...”

  We wait for her.

  “You know Bobbi's crazy about you, right?”

  Finn's eyes close. “Yeah, I know.” This time, the weariness in his voice isn't faked.

  “Well, she's not the only one of my sisters who is. Just don't tell the other one I told you that.”

  Smiling, I put my fingers against the phone. Sweet little Rain. She may be into flaky spirituality, but she's still one smart girl.

  “Alright, I won't tell her.” He winks at me. “I'll talk to you later, okay?”

  “Okay... Bye.”

  “Bye, Rain.”

  We look at each other as he hangs up the phone and he laughs. “She figured that out before you did.”

  “Yeah, I had no idea Miss Whiskers had a thing for you.”

  He strikes a cocky pose and wiggles his eyebrows. “I have that effect on cats.”

  Quickly, I brush a kiss across his lips. “What should we do about your mom?”

  Sighing, he shakes his head. “I don't know.” His expression turns wicked. “I'm willing to bet that it'll be a long time before she comes back up here though.”

  His cell rings, a red-alert sort of sound.

  “But she might call.” Dispirited, he moves me to my feet and bends to grab the cell phone off the floor. “Yeah, Mom?” He manages to sound neither annoyed nor embarrassed. “I don't know... I doubt she's hungry. I think she ate before she came over here.”

  I roll my eyes. Like she's possibly going to believe I just got here this morning.

  He's hemming and hawing now, trying to get out of going over to Blue Ridge. “I don't really feel up to it... Yeah, I know...” His voice turns whiny when she clearly doesn't like him trying to cancel the trip.

  “You promised little kids, Finn,” I whisper.

  Glaring at me, he tells him mom, “I'll be down in a minute.” He hangs up and frowns. “But, I don't wanna!”

  At least he recognizes that he sounds like a baby. Smiling, I kiss his cheek. “I'll be here when you get back. Assuming you can convince your mom I left without me actually having to do it..”

  With a chuckle, he goes into the closet, stepping over Juliet's fence. “I think I can convince her you ran away in mortification.”

  But when he comes out again, looking more like his old self in a long sleeved Blue Ridge State t-shirt and jeans, it's obvious he doesn't want to leave. He looks at me balefully, his hands deep in his pockets and his shoulders hunched nearly to his ears.

  “You promised,” I remind him. “You wouldn't want the little kiddies shooting up just because you lied to them, would you?”

  Quiet, motionless, he watches me.

  “I'll be fine, Finn.” As my hand runs through his hair, a wave of tenderness nearly floors me. “Nothing's going to happen to me. The girl who's going to die is already dead
.”

  There are tears in his eyes as he nods. Clearing his throat, he gathers himself to leave. “I'll be home tonight, I'm not going to do the full weekend.”

  “Alright.”

  He stops at the top of the stairs, turns back to stride across the room and grab me into the tightest hug of my existence. Laughing, I hug him back. “I'm not going anywhere, I promise.”

  “And I'm coming back,” he says, like it isn't a given. “Wish you could come with me.”

  With a laugh, I push him back so I can fold my arms and try to give him a look of revulsion. “To an athletic department event? This is fundamentally an excuse to spend two days watching one ballgame, isn't it?”

  He sighs. “And there's that dose of reality.” His eyes flicker to the ferret house, where Juliet is starting to shiver awake. She'll be up soon and won't be happy to find Finn missing. “There's more to it than that.”

  “I know,” I admit. Making a shooing motion with my hand, I tell him, “Get out of here before she wakes up. I'll play with them.”

  “Okay.” He spends a long time looking at me before he turns and goes.

  My heart sinks as the door closes and I have to chide myself for letting it. “He'll be back tonight. If you can't deal with him being gone for a day, what are you going to do when he's living there?”

  Because all that stuff about maybe not going to college... It was about not wanting to leave me. And I can't let him do that.

  The doorbell rings. The people Finn's supposed to ride with must be here, although how he thinks he's getting home early if he carpools in, I don't know. Unable to resist the temptation, I drift to the front window and look into the yard. Finn's standing between his truck and an SUV full of people. The SUV's driver hangs out the window, talking to Finn. Eventually, the guy nods and ducks back into the car just before the window begins to slide up and Finn goes to unlock his truck. He looks up here, smiles when he sees me.

  But he stops smiling when one of the SUV doors opens.

  I can't see his expression when he notices my sister bouncing toward him while the SUV pulls out of the drive without her. I can't hear her words, though I hear words like them in my head. She's saying something like, “Oh, Finn! I just can't stand the thought of you driving there all by yourself!”