Sovrano

by Michael Powers

  “We were both young Air Force officers,” Eric explained. “He was married with children. When I realized he’d never give up his family and career to be with me, I left the military, and took an extended holiday in Europe with a college buddy. A few months later, Tommy called and said he was going to get a divorce and leave the Air Force. I agreed to meet him in California so we could live together. While I was returning to the States, Tommy died testing a new jet. That’s the last time I was in love.”

  Cody rubbed Eric’s arm gently. “I’m terribly sorry, Eric. No more questions, okay?”

  “It’s all right,” Eric assured him. “I’m glad I finally got to tell you about Tommy.”

  When they returned to Cody’s hotel suite, Eric joked nervously, suddenly curious about every piece of furniture. Cody quietly led Eric by the hand to the bedroom, undressed him, threw back the bedcovers, and flicked off the light.

  Over the next several hours, they explored each other’s bodies. Between passionate episodes of lovemaking, they cuddled quietly. Finally, they both fell asleep. Eric woke two hours later. He couldn’t believe he was actually in bed with Cody. He eased out of bed, pulled on a robe, then tiptoed out of the room. Wandering around the suite, not quite certain what to do, he finally plopped into a comfortable chair by the balcony, sitting cross-legged. He had a magnificent view of the city below as the first rays of light took back the night. He chuckled to himself, remembering an old gag line.

  “Do you smoke after sex?”

  “Don’t know. I never looked.”

  Eric wondered why he remembered every silly one-liner he’d ever heard. In fact, he remembered everything. He took all the bits and scraps he heard or read, and fit them together like pieces in a jigsaw puzzle. It occurred to him that’s why he had slipped out of bed. He needed to understand what was happening with Cody. The largest piece of the puzzle held the answer to the question, “Why me?”

  Cody differed from the other gay men Eric knew in a very important way. He was a peer. With his own money and career, there was no reason for Eric to suspect Cody of using him. Eric remembered an Air Force buddy had told him the two male traits women found most sexually attractive were power and a flat stomach. Even though Eric had been skeptical, it did explain why many couples who seemed to be physically incompatible were attracted to each other. Eric wondered if the same formula held true in gay relationships, although he wasn’t sure he wanted to be loved for his waistline or power. Was Cody simply expressing his gratitude to Eric for rescuing him from a rapist? Eric didn’t want that either. He wanted someone he could love completely, and who loved him completely, not just a part of him. He realized he had fallen totally in love with Cody. He liked…..no he loved…..everything about Cody. A wave of terror swept over Eric. What if Cody didn’t feel the same way? What if Cody was simply infatuated or momentarily intrigued? What would happen when Cody got over his fascination? Worse yet, what would happen if Cody ever discovered Eric’s secrets?

  “I need him,” Eric mumbled. That realization terrified Eric. His entire life was built on one principle: never become dependent on anyone. He believed everyone would eventually let him down one way or another, even if they did not mean to hurt him. They would die, fall out of love, or go away for some reason.

  Eric realized the tradeoff he had made. He had his job and his friends, yet they were no longer enough. Eric admitted to himself he wanted Cody to be with him for the rest of his life. Losing Cody would be even more painful than losing Tommy had been. Eric didn’t know if he could survive another such loss.

  Eric knew what he should do, but was afraid. How easy it had always seemed to ask his friends when they were in a similar situation, “Have you told your lover how you feel?” He had always challenged them to overcome their fear. He told them no matter what the outcome, it would be preferable to uncertainty. Eric wondered if he had the courage to take his own advice.

  Cody appeared in the living room, standing quietly about ten feet from Eric, wearing only a white silk robe. “Trouble sleeping, Eric?”

  “Not really,” Eric lied. “I’m a big fan of sunrises. Hate to miss one!” he laughed.

  “Mind if I join you?” Cody whispered.

  “Well, it is your suite,” Eric replied. “Just don’t spoil my sunrise with a lot of giggling and asking to go to the bathroom every five minutes.”

  “Gee, thanks,” Cody snickered. “It means so much when you treat me like an adult.”

  Cody lowered himself gracefully in a single motion beside Eric’s chair. Eric admired the way Cody moved his body as effortlessly as a gymnast. Cody reached for Eric’s hand and they sat in silence staring out the window for what seemed like hours.

  Finally Cody spoke. “Eric, I love you.”

  Eric looked down at Cody, staring into his large, bright eyes. “I believe you really mean that, Cody. What I can’t understand is why.”

  “I’ve always wanted a lover with a Porsche,” Cody teased.

  Eric’s brows arched. “The Porsche dealer promised my sex life would improve dramatically, but I’ll admit I was skeptical!”

  Cody rubbed his eyes. “Eric, have you been wondering when I’ll get over this mild case of puppy love and move on to my next affair? When my gratitude will wear a little thin? Or if I’ll lose interest when you start going bald or turn flabby? Is that it?”

  “Pretty close,” Eric nodded, amazed by Cody’s insight.

  “Would it surprise you to know I wonder about the same things?”

  Eric frowned. “You can have anyone you want the rest of your life! My God, you’re a star! People line up and pay good money just to see and hear you.”

  “That may be true today, but it’s not much of a guarantee I’ll always have the love of the man I really want,” Cody countered. “Much of who I am is based upon my voice and body, both of which deteriorate with age. Much of who you are comes from your mind. If you ever lose that, nothing else will matter much anyway.”

  “Are you saying you’re afraid of losing me?” Eric chuckled.

  It was Cody’s turn to frown. “Don’t laugh, smartass! It’s a real concern. You’re a very desirable man and you’re damn right I worry about losing you.”

  “I’m sorry, Cody. I’m still puzzled why you’d choose me. Is it the power and flat stomach? A need to repay me? God knows, it can’t be my looks. There are millions of men more attractive than me. You could have any one of them with a wave of your hand.”

  Cody wondered how Eric managed to project a confident aura with such a poor self-image. “You don’t give yourself enough credit, Eric. I find you as attractive as any man I’ve ever known, but physical appearance is only part of the attraction. I like the whole package. You’re a rare find, Eric Price. There are damn few people on this planet with the strength, the compassion, the intelligence, and the insight you possess. You’re rich, famous, attractive, powerful, funny, imaginative, and have an extraordinary capacity for caring. I’m guessing if you took the Jung Personality Type Test, you’d be an INFJ.”

  Amazed, Eric nodded. “How would you know something like that?”

  Cody shrugged. “Psychology is a hobby for me. I’ve observed you’re more introvert than extrovert, more intuitive than sensual, and you make decisions by feeling your way to a judgment. Hence, the I for Introvert, the N for Intuitive, the F for Feeling, and the J for Judgment. That particular combination is fairly rare; less than one percent of the population. It’s known as The Knight. Most comfortable in a world of ideas, Knights also require some human connection, creating a potential conflict. Knights have an almost psychic ability to sense the good and evil in people. They also have a compulsive need to be of service, rescuing those they perceive to be powerless. Willing to stand between good and evil, this trait may surface as tenacity, which is admirable, or stubbornness, which is destructive. Any of this ring true?”

  “More than I care to admit,” Eric murmured.

  “Knights have an overwhelming need to pr
otect those they believe are being abused or treated unfairly,” Cody continued. “They’ll risk their lives to rescue loved ones and strangers alike. The way you rescued me the night we met. I suspect that wasn’t the first time you rescued someone and won’t be the last.”

  “Does that worry you?” Eric asked.

  “No,” Cody replied evenly. “My biggest fear is having to share you with too many people.”

  Eric looked at Cody as if seeing him for the first time. He had been aware from the beginning Cody was extremely perceptive, yet he continued to think of Cody primarily as a talented and attractive entertainer. Eric moved from his chair to join Cody on the floor. “Share me?”

  “Eric, CEOs of large public companies are celebrities today. A lot of them do their own commercials or appear on nightly news. You try very hard to stay out of the spotlight, but if you wanted to be a celebrity, you could be one overnight. It’s really an issue of whether you want a public image, and if part of that image is to be a gay man. I’ve heard you say a dozen times you don’t hide your gay identity. That’s not really the same as proudly identifying yourself as a gay man.”

  Cody expected Eric to become defensive, but was surprised when Eric nodded. “You’re right, of course. My gay AA sponsor told me pretty much the same thing a few years ago. I was patting myself on the back for not denying I was gay when asked by some of my straight co-workers. He told me that hardly qualified me as a leading advocate of gay rights. Truth is, I haven’t always been proud of being gay. Just accepting the fact I was gay was a big step for me. I’m not sure I’ve dealt with all the shame and embarrassment yet. And the fear.”

  Cody took Eric’s hands into his own. “I sense there's something else you're afraid of, Eric. There's a part of you carefully hidden away from everyone. You have killer secrets which could be fatal to you or someone else. I respect that, and you don't need to share those secrets with me until you're ready. I'm a patient guy. I love Eric Price today, no matter what happened in some distant past. You’re a bright guy, Eric. If it’s important enough, you’ll find a way to achieve your vision without hurting anyone. I want to help if you’ll let me, but I want to help as a partner.”

  “You’re amazing!” Eric laughed. “I feel so stupid for worrying about losing you. I’m so much in love with you all I could think about was the risk I’m taking in letting myself feel so deeply. I love you, Cody, and can’t imagine the day I won’t. Nothing would make me happier than being your partner. Can we see each other more than four times a month?”

  “I’ve thought about that, too,” Cody nodded. “My brother can run the business and I’ll cancel all my personal appearances so we can live together for a while. It’ll give me a chance to do some writing.”

  “You’d be willing to do that?” Eric blinked.

  “If you’ll let me, I will.”

  They went back to bed and slept several hours more. Both were certain they would spend the rest of their lives together. As Eric drifted off to sleep, he wondered if Cody possessed telepathic ability.

  Cody didn’t mind temporarily giving up his career in favor of Eric’s. Agreeing to take turns, it seemed most practical to let Eric concentrate on his career first.

  Eric stared out his window at trees lining a path to a man-made lake. Deer watered at the lake’s edge, and several mallards were splashing each other. Vincent Newhouse had taken great pains to build his corporate headquarters at the edge of the Minneapolis metro area, then surrounded it with a wildlife preserve, built and maintained at corporate expense. More than once, Eric had gotten the serenity he needed by taking a stroll around the lake or simply gazing at it from his office. Though Eric moved corporate headquarters to New York, he spent most of his time at his Minnesota sanctuary.

  Precisely at two o’clock, Eric’s secretary buzzed to inform him Robert Dornfeld was waiting to see him. Eric left his office to greet his old friend. “Robert, thanks for being so prompt!” Eric hugged his friend warmly. “Will you join me for a walk around the lake?”

  They made smalltalk for a few minutes, updating each other. At the lake’s edge, they stopped to watch the mallards.

  “This is a beautiful spot, Eric. I’m glad you didn’t sell it and move to New York.”

  “I love it here, Robert. I could never get rid of it. Vincent would come back from the grave to haunt me if I did!”

  “He’d be very proud of you,” Robert assured his friend. “You’ve done a first-class job with Foresight International. The media calls you Capitalist with a Conscience. You make lots of money for investors, yet you still manage to be socially and politically responsible.”

  Eric bowed his head and smiled, choosing to accept the compliment graciously by remaining quiet. “I still miss the old guy, Robert. He was like a father to me.”

  “I wish I’d known him,” Robert replied. “Was your relationship much like the one you had with General Hansen?”

  Eric nodded thoughtfully. “In some ways, yes. Vincent and I had a more adult relationship. General Hansen was more like my benevolent grampa than my father.”

  Robert asked a question he had wondered for years. “How honest were you with General Hansen? I mean, how much of your past did you tell him about?”

  “Almost everything,” Eric shrugged. “The General had a younger brother with a past similar to mine. The brother took his own life, so the General had a soft spot for guys who needed a second chance. That’s why he kept my secrets and helped me get through the background check.”

  “Did he know you’re gay?” Robert asked carefully.

  “Are you asking if I slept with the boss to get special treatment?” Eric chuckled, then held up his hand before Robert could protest. “No, I never came out to the General. I didn’t think of myself as a gay man then, and would never have felt comfortable discussing my sexual preference with General Hansen. Not sure how he would have taken the news. He was old school, but I like to think he would have found it in his heart to accept me.” Suddenly changing gears, Eric asked, “Do you ever wish we could go back to that time in our lives?”

  Robert laughed, surprised by the question. “You’re joking! We were miserable then. We both wanted to serve our time with Uncle Sam and get on with our lives.” It slowly dawned on Robert why Eric had asked to see him. “Eric, I know there must be tons of pressure on you. It probably seems like it would be nice to return to a time when things were simpler, but you can’t turn the clock back. You can’t even slow it down, much less stop it. If you’re…..”

  “Remember the time I told you if I had everything to do over again I’d do it all the same?” Eric interrupted. “I was so naive then. It’s been on my mind a lot lately.”

  Robert gazed compassionately at the friend he met while serving on General Hansen’s staff. Robert was a young captain then, just out of law school. Even though he was several years older than Eric and an officer, they hit it off immediately. Impressed by Eric, Robert had become his closest military friend and confidante. Over the years, their friendship had grown, surviving Eric’s drinking, his coming out, and long periods of separation. Robert was not particularly attractive, nor a stylish dresser. He was a very serious, conservative, even-tempered heterosexual attorney. Their relationship was based upon mutual respect and trust. Eric valued Robert’s steady, calm manner, turning to his old friend when he needed to make difficult decisions. Robert was the only person who knew everything about Eric’s past. Eric had known instinctively he needed to trust at least one person and Robert was that person. He knew Robert would die before revealing his secrets.

  “You’re going back, aren’t you?” Robert sighed.

  “It’s time,” Eric nodded, staring out at the lake. “I have to know what happened after I left.”

  “Since there’s probably nothing I can do to talk you out of it, what can I do to help?” Robert asked.

  Eric faced Robert squarely for the first time. Robert’s thin, muddy hair always seemed too oily, which explained why Rober
t had acne worse than most high school seniors. Actually, Eric was grateful he was not attracted to Robert. It would have gotten in the way of their friendship, especially since Robert was a confirmed heterosexual. “I don’t know yet. I wanted to let you know what I have in mind for several reasons. Depending on what I find, I may need some fast, discreet legal help.”

  “Perhaps I should go with you?” Robert suggested.

  Eric shook his head vigorously. “Thanks, but I need to do this alone. Just tell me you’ll break our agreement never to work for me if I need help. On a temporary basis, of course.”

  “Of course,” Robert agreed.

  When they returned to Eric’s office, Robert grabbed his briefcase and turned to say good-bye. He found Eric staring at him, wearing an odd expression.

  “What is it, Eric?” Robert asked.

  “You’ve been such a loyal friend for so long, never asking for anything in return. Is there anything I can do for you?” Eric wondered.

  “You've already given me more than you know,” Robert grinned.

  Eric frowned. “What have I given you?”

  Robert laughed. “I get to live vicariously through you! My life is pretty dull. Just knowing you makes my life more exciting. I treasure our friendship above all others.”

  Still skeptical, Eric thanked Robert and assured him if he ever needed anything, he had only to ask.

  As Eric drove home later that afternoon, he spotted a young woman selling roses beside the entrance ramp to the freeway. Impulsively, he pulled his car over. When she came to his window, he asked, “How much for the whole basket?”

  “Two dollars each and I have thirty left, sir.”

  Eric handed her a hundred-dollar bill, told her to keep the change, and laid the flowers on the seat next to him. With a burst of speed, he raced up the freeway ramp and drove to Fort Snelling National Cemetery. Weaving his way in and out of traffic, he maintained the maximum speed possible during rush hour. A mere ten minutes later he arrived at the cemetery entrance. He had meant to visit before, but could only bring himself to mark Tommy's grave on the map Fort Snelling had mailed him many years earlier.