Don't Try This at Home

by Ellee Hill

  “Alex, the guy weighs three hundred pounds, and his is the only name on the lease.” Alex stared at him disbelievingly. Bryce glared right back. “Freelance photographer.”

  “So glad you’re living the dream.”

  “Just… get behind the couch!” Bryce whispered harshly.

  “What?”

  “Get behind the couch and I’ll see if I can get him to go away. Or distract him and we can sneak out and go to your place.”

  “Uh, I don’t—”

  “Behind the couch!” Bryce hissed and reached for him, and Alex had the simultaneous realizations that Bryce was very strong, and that Bryce had decided the quickest route to behind the couch was over it. Alex hit the floor on his side, letting out a wheeze like a crumpled accordion. It could have been worse; he could have faceplanted in this… questionably clean carpet. How likely were these two guys to vacuum regularly? Alex scrambled up to his hands and knees, nursing a seriously twinging funny bone.

  “Christ!” Alex heard Bryce yell. “I’m coming! Can’t a man take a dump in peace?”

  Classy, Alex thought, but then again, he was crouching on all fours behind another man’s sofa. With his fly open over a rapidly wilting erection. As he zipped up, he wondered if he should start crawling down the hallway toward Bryce’s bedroom, but decided he wanted to preserve what little dignity he had left. Besides, he didn’t know which room was Bryce’s, and that was a mistake he did not want to make.

  He heard Bryce unlock the deadbolt. “What the fuck, Rob? You were supposed to be at Melissa’s house tonight.”

  “Her sister got dumped by her boyfriend,” said a man Alex assumed to be Rob the Roommate. “She showed up at Melissa’s sobbing. I got my ass out of there as fast as I could.”

  “Is there any way you could find somewhere else to be for, like… tonight?”

  Rob the Roommate groaned. “You have a guy here, don’t you? I saw the car. I hoped it was just somebody parked illegally.”

  “You said you weren’t going to be here. I’m not breaking our agreement.”

  “Well, tell him to put his pants back on and you can go over to his place.”

  Enough was enough. Alex hoped the flush on his face would read as righteous anger rather than embarrassment as he stood, and he did get the satisfaction of seeing a man built like a refrigerator jump six inches in the air when Alex popped up from behind the couch.

  “That won’t be necessary,” Alex said as calmly as he could, trying to casually smooth his hair down into some state of order. “I was just leaving.” With as much decorum as he could muster, he brushed past a gaping Bryce and a stunned Rob and went right out the front door.

  “Alex, wait!” Bryce yelled from behind him as Alex began to descend the stairs.

  But Alex kept moving. He hadn’t felt so humiliated since college, when his frat brothers had found out he was gay and wallpapered his room with ugly porn. He should be far beyond cowering behind couches and hiding his sex life just to keep other people—or other people’s roommates—from feeling uncomfortable.

  Bryce didn’t give up, though. Just before Alex reached the base of the stairs, Bryce caught up with him and put a hand on his shoulder. Alex shook it off and spun around to face him. “What?”

  Bryce smiled, and for the first time, Alex had the sudden, awful urge to smack it off his face. “We can still go to your place, right?”

  “Seriously? After that, you think I’m in the mood to do anything but drive straight into the ocean?”

  The smile fell instantly into a look of despair, and despite his anger, it rattled Alex more than he wanted to admit. “Look, I’m really sorry about Rob,” Bryce said. “I honestly didn’t think he’d be a problem tonight.”

  “You didn’t think he’d—” Alex repeated dumbly, shaking his head until he could get his thoughts together. “Bryce, I like you, all right? I kind of wish I didn’t, but you’re hot and you’re funny and I really want to—” Alex cut himself off again before he could say something he’d regret. “But drinking ’til you pass out in a public bathroom and lying to a stranger so easily and stealing my phone… and now the homophobic roommate… it’s just not worth it.”

  Bryce shook his head desperately. “No, you don’t understand, he’s—”

  “You’re not worth it,” Alex said sadly. The words sounded too harsh as soon as they left his mouth, but he couldn’t think of a way to take them back and still make his point. He had no intention of being humiliated like that again.

  He left Bryce, mouth open and hazel eyes brimming with hurt, standing on the third step as Alex walked back to his car.

  FIVE days later, Alex still felt like shit. He hadn’t been sleeping, and his job seemed even duller, more colorless than usual. Even the complicated recovery of some data (deleted accidentally-for-the-fourth-time by that one moron in management)—something that was usually as satisfying as finding that last puzzle piece between the couch cushions—failed to lift his spirits. It was ridiculous; he’d known Bryce a total of two weeks. Not even that: three days within those two weeks. One date, maybe a date and a half. With nothing more than a little dry humping. So why couldn’t he get Bryce’s face out of his mind?

  True, Alex had been nasty there at the end, but he barely knew Bryce at all. He didn’t owe him anything, except maybe an apology for his parting words, but Alex’s pride refused to let him give it. Besides, it would be better for both of them just to leave it alone. No sense picking at a scab. They’d forget, in time. The memory of those hazel eyes and that joyous laugh would fade away. Eventually.

  Except that Alex had never had so much trouble letting go of something that had never happened. He kept imagining what could have been between him and Bryce, if only for a night, and those daydreams forced him to scoot his chair as close as possible to his desk and think hard about vendor licensing agreements until his blood had cooled. Even then, he remembered the ease with which Bryce had stood up for him, facing down Jason—who, for all Bryce knew, could have been violent—with cool charm, just so Alex could make his cowardly escape.

  That evening, Alex let himself into his house with a sigh, inadvertently kicking the pile of mail at his feet. He picked it up and was about to toss it unceremoniously on the table by the door when he noticed a sturdy, cream-colored envelope in among the bills and junk mail. It bore no return address, just Alex’s own address in bold red ink.

  Somehow, Alex wasn’t surprised when he opened the envelope to reveal several photographs.

  The first was of a woman dancing at what looked like a back-alley party, with lights haphazardly strung up overhead and dozens of people enjoying themselves in the background. The woman’s voluminous green skirt was a blur around her knees, and Alex could practically hear the salsa music she was moving to.

  The second photograph showed one child squirting another with a hose, the droplets suspended forever in the air as the second child, giggling, attempted to shield her face from the oncoming water.

  The third made Alex laugh out loud. An angry-looking miniature poodle was pawing at a glittery top hat clipped to its head as its horrified owner reached to stop it.

  There were several more pictures, all showing various people and a few animals, each telling its own story through the captured motion of the subjects. The second to last picture was of a hamster on a wheel. The camera must have been set to a long exposure time, because the hamster was a beige blur on the shiny metal wheel, only its beady black eye recognizable. It looked almost as if the eye were squinted in focus, as though the hamster’s only purpose in life was to make that wheel turn.

  Alex flipped back through the photographs of people and looked at their faces. Bryce had captured their feelings, both happy and painful, so clearly. Bryce knew exactly what to look for, how to see what emotions these people projected into the world, and how to preserve it to share with anyone who looked. If Bryce trained his camera on Alex, what would he see? What would he reveal of Alex with the simple click of a
shutter? What was it about him that made Bryce refuse to give up?

  Heart in his throat, Alex flipped back to the final photograph. It simply showed a sheet of notebook paper, on which was written in the same bold handwriting, “I’m worth it.”

  That son of a bitch, Alex thought fondly, his heart twisting in his chest. He pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through the contacts; sure enough, Bryce had taken the liberty of adding his own number.

  Bryce’s “Hello?” when he picked up Alex’s call sounded almost nervous.

  “You son of a bitch,” Alex said, laughing.

  “I’m sorry, you’re calling me a son of a bitch?” Bryce said, and beneath his teasing was an undercurrent of real pain.

  Alex sighed. “You’re right, I owe you an apology.”

  “Damn right, you do.”

  “What I said the other night was… unjustified. I was angry, but it wasn’t at you. You didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry.”

  “Thank you,” Bryce said softly.

  “So, um,” Alex said after a few awkward moments of silence. “Where does that leave us?”

  “I… think that would be up to you. I’m still interested, if—”

  “You free tonight?”

  “Yep.”

  “Then get your ass over here. I know you know where I live.”

  He could practically hear Bryce cringe. “You’re not mad about that?”

  “You have my name, phone number, and a magic computer box, so I got over the shock relatively quickly. As long as you’re not already here peeping through my bedroom window, you’re fine.”

  “I’ll be there in twenty,” Bryce said.

  “I’m still checking underneath the window.”

  Luckily, the azalea bushes appeared to be undisturbed.

  IF Alex had worried about the presumptuousness of getting out his considerable collection of take-out and delivery menus in preparation for Bryce’s arrival, his doubts were immediately dispelled when, after about two seconds through the door, Bryce had him pressed up against the wall, his tongue sweeping into Alex’s mouth and his hands running down the front of Alex’s body like he couldn’t decide what to touch first.

  “Picking up where we left off?” Alex gasped when he was given the chance.

  “Well, let’s say about five minutes before that,” Bryce said, grinning. He kissed Alex hungrily, no restraint at all, and Alex welcomed it with giddy anticipation. Bryce clung to him like this was his last chance, and Alex made sure to encourage him with soft moans as Bryce kissed his way down Alex’s neck. Yes, that’s what Alex was doing: encouraging.

  But before they went any farther, there was something he had to know. “Bryce,” he said, pushing at the other man weakly. “Why me? I mean, why do you keep coming back?”

  “Are you kidding?” Bryce whispered, his lips brushing the shell of Alex’s ear. “You’re wound tighter than a two-dollar watch. Without me around, you’d be all, sproing, ‘augh, gears flying everywhere, hide the children—’”

  Fair enough, Alex thought as he cut Bryce off with a quick kiss. He started trying to inch them toward the bedroom without breaking contact, but it was hard to focus on walking when Bryce started sucking at the spot on his neck that turned his legs to jelly. Alex stumbled over his own feet, and Bryce fortunately still had the presence of mind to catch him. “Falling for me already?” he asked, winking.

  “Terrible,” Alex groaned. “I fine you one blowjob, payment effective immediately.”

  “Immediately immediately, or can it wait ’til the bedroom? Because trust me, I don’t think your legs are gonna—augh!” Bryce got cut off when Alex grabbed him by the front of the shirt and dragged him the rest of the way.

  Once in the bedroom, Bryce gleefully began to shuck his clothes, revealing a slender but solid build and acres of pale skin just waiting to be sucked and licked until it turned a blushing red. Alex was so focused on Bryce that his own shirt lost two buttons on the way off, and he thanked God for once he wasn’t wearing his skinny jeans. There was no awkward shuffling, no shoving or yanking; Alex simply unbuckled his belt, unzipped, and his work trousers felt straight to the ground as trousers were meant to do.

  He was a little hazy on how he got from there to flat on his back on the bed, one sock still on, but Bryce was crawling over him, licking his lips like Alex was a coconut rum flan. Alex’s cock twitched as Bryce descended, but instead of going straight for the kill, he buried his nose in the dark, curly hair at Alex’s groin and inhaled deeply. “Mmm. Told you, you smell good.”

  Alex huffed, “Hey, get down to busi-nngh,” trailing off entirely when Bryce began planting wet, sucking kisses at the crease of his hip. He took Alex’s cock in hand and began jerking him slowly—too slowly for Alex’s taste—as he continued his leisurely exploration. “Come on,” Alex gritted out, dangerously close to begging.

  “So impatient,” Bryce sighed, shaking his head, but he let his lips slide over the tip of Alex’s dick before finally engulfing him in his mouth. He bobbed his head down quickly, then pulled up so, so slowly, sucking as he went, again and again, and Alex was panting in a matter of moments. Bryce’s tongue was distressingly agile, flicking beneath the ridge of Alex’s cock and driving him toward the edge with unnerving speed.

  “S-stop,” Alex gasped. “I want to— can I—?”

  “Fuck me?” Bryce said, his voice low and hoarse. “Thought you’d never ask.”

  Bryce gave one last lick at Alex’s cock, probably just for the pleasure of seeing Alex’s abs jerk at the sensation, and let him up. Alex dug in the night stand for what they needed, and then turned to see the rather spectacular sight of Bryce lounging across his bed like a harem boy. A smirky harem boy.

  “How do you want me?” Bryce asked with dramatic breathiness.

  Eyes up, Alex thought, definitely eyes up. “On your back.”

  “But of course,” Bryce replied, making himself comfortable against the pillows and grabbing one to shove under his hips and give Alex a better angle. Alex moaned softly at the sight of Bryce all spread out for him, and dropped the condom and lube on the bed in favor of lying full atop Bryce’s body, pressing them together from head to hips. Alex rested his weight on his elbows and kissed the man beneath him deeply, passionately, relishing the skin-to-skin contact. Bryce’s swollen cock was pressed against his own, and Alex rocked against him, rubbing them together. The friction was delicious, ratcheting Alex’s desire up and up until—

  “I didn’t come all the way over here for yet another dry hump.”

  Until Bryce opened his mouth. Alex silenced him with a hard, probing kiss and sighed, because he knew the quiet wasn’t going to last. Sure enough, as he reached over for the lube, Bryce continued undeterred. “Because I do love the frotting, I have to say, but you know you called me over here for the full Bryce Experience. The total package, and when I say package, of course I mean—ohhh, that’s the good stuff.”

  Happily, Alex found that rubbing at Bryce’s hole with two slick fingers was quite effective at stopping the running commentary. And when he eventually worked them in, going slowly until he was fucking Bryce smoothly and easily, Alex was treated to the pleasure of watching Bryce’s pale skin flush from his cheeks all the way down to his chest.

  “Your mouth,” Bryce gasped out. “Can I have your mouth? Just for a minute, your lips are so—”

  Alex didn’t give him the opportunity to describe his lips, instead lowering his mouth to Bryce’s dick and sucking lightly as he fingered Bryce open. Between grazing his prostate and twisting his tongue around the head of Bryce’s cock, Alex didn’t want to give Bryce too much, too fast. Bryce was quickly grunting and writhing under Alex’s fingers and mouth, and Alex made a mental note that next time, this was how he was going to finish Bryce off.

  But both of them had other plans for what came next. Alex knew he wanted to be looking Bryce right in the eyes when Bryce came, so he pulled his mouth away and slowly withdrew his fingers. Bryce ma
de a noise of disappointment, but his eyes lit up as he watched Alex roll on the condom. “Fucking finally,” he said.

  Alex laughed. “Oh, because you weren’t whimpering when I stopped sucking you, uh, two seconds ago?”

  “Fine, all right, I kind of have a thing for your mouth,” Bryce said with mock sullenness. “Now will you just fuck me already?”

  “If you insist,” Alex sighed, trying to keep his voice neutral even as his heart sped up wildly in his chest. He positioned himself at Bryce’s entrance and slowly began to push in, wanting to savor every second of his first slow thrust into Bryce’s body.

  “Oh fuck yes,” Bryce groaned, clawing at Alex’s shoulders and lifting his hips up to take even more of Alex in. When Alex paused, buried to the hilt, panting and trying to get himself under control, Bryce would have none of it. He bucked up, forcing a guttural grunt out of Alex, and whispered, “C’mon.”

  Alex’s thrusts were unsteady at first, erratic as he struggled to match his movements with Bryce’s while drowning in the pleasure of Bryce’s tight heat. When they got it right and Alex thrust deep as Bryce rose to meet him, Bryce gave an unexpected shout of bliss that startled Alex into laughing.

  “Shut up,” Bryce wheezed. “That was a good noise.”

  “It better have been, since I think everyone in the neighborhood just heard it.”

  When they got back into rhythm, Alex took one look at Bryce’s face and could tell the other man was struggling to bite back on the sounds that were rumbling in his chest. Without stopping, Alex bent down and licked at Bryce’s lips until they parted again. Why the hell should he be surprised that Bryce was noisy in bed? And, while it wasn’t usually a turn-on, who was Alex to deny him? “Fucking go for it, man,” Alex murmured. “Bring the walls down.”

  Bryce gave a thankful laugh, followed by a loud moan when Alex thrust deep. Instead of being distracting, it was strangely gratifying to hear Bryce’s prolific variety of noises: the soft whimper when Alex kissed his neck, the shuddering groan when Alex pulled one of Bryce’s legs up to wrap around his waist, the full-on wail when Alex thrust right against Bryce’s sweet spot. Perhaps best of all, the delighted laugh when Alex reached between them to fist Bryce’s heavy, dripping cock. That’s when the noises turned into words: quite a lot of “fuck” and “yes” and “please” and, to Alex’s deep satisfaction, “oh God, Alex.”