Zombies at the Door, Planning for the Inevitable

by Charles M. Pulsipher

  Table Leg

  Table legs are thick, made to withstand the weight of several elbows, even though you know it’s rude to rest them there, several buckets of mashed potatoes, a thirty-five pound turkey, three gallons of gravy, ten pounds of wet, nasty bread out of the turkey’s rear, a good hundred pounds of ancient china that only sees the light of day once or twice a year, another ten gallons of sparkling cider, ten pounds more of miscellaneous green bean or yam dishes, and at least fifty-five pounds of pie. In other words table legs are strong. They make a pretty effective club with decent reach and weight, can withstand a few skull crushings, and stand up to gnawing pretty well.

  Swords

  Swords are a little tricky to come by, but can be effective weapons. You want one with a good reach on it. Cut off limbs and the head if possible and you stop zombies cold. Like axes, they’ll need some care and attention. Keep them clean and try to sharpen them now and again. They can be a little messy, so keep your mouth closed while swinging.

  Knives

  I don’t recommend using knives. You wind up too close for comfort and too messy. They’re nice to have for cooking, but I wouldn’t go pulling one out to fight off a zombie mob. Running is more effective.

  Bare Hands

  All in all a very bad idea, unless you’re wearing chainmail over latex, in which case you’re okay…though very, very odd.

  Teeth

  Though this is often a good fighting technique with another human, it’s not the brightest thing to try against a zombie. Besides the obvious that you may very well infect yourself, the stupid zombie feels little pain and will not let you go when bitten.

  Seriously, if you bite a zombie then you probably deserve what’s coming.

  Anatomy/Neurology of a Zombie

  What do we know about zombies? Undead? Probably not.

  Most likely we’re looking at a viral infection or neurotoxin that travels through the blood and attacks the brain. This infection moves from host to host through blood and saliva, most often by biting.

  Once inside the human body, the virus or toxin travels to the brain and shuts down higher functions and many other control centers. Pain receptors seem to be toast. Zombies can take huge amounts of damage without blinking. Actually, I’m not sure if zombies blink at all.

  Communication is fried, except for some moaning. The word “brains” may be the only word left in their vocabulary that can be discerned intelligibly. Even that is highly slurred and they could be saying “brings”, “brawns”, “barns”, and half a dozen other nonsense words.

  Sweating stops, no more need for deodorant, though they stink no matter what. Metabolism slows down even more than when you hit thirty. Breathing becomes slow and shallow. Hair and nail growth stops despite what movies tell you. They no longer feel any need to sleep, like your old roommate in college who stayed up late every night watching dumb movies.

  The urge to bite the uninfected seems to be all the rave. The act of biting releases hormones into the zombie brain and is the only time you’ll see a zombie show pleasure and smile. It would be heartwarming if it wasn’t so creepy, painful, and deadly.

  The virus or neurotoxin is very specific, crippling half the brain, but leaving the subconscious and some instincts intact. Zombies won’t be able to speak, recognize their friends, or juggle, but they’ll happily shuffle off to work, school, and their local hangouts.

  The ability of the infected to recognize their own kind is flawless. They never attack another zombie, ever. It’s rather amazing. You take a group of humans and set them to fighting, someone will accidentally take a swing at a friend, but zombies never do. This implies that the virus gives off some signal that is recognizable to other zombies.

  This signal could be a smell, some sort of pheromone, but then you’d expect the zombies to attack anything that didn’t have this smell. Dumpsters, buildings, trees would receive equal attention as humans. You would also expect zombies to lose control and attack other zombies as their nasal passages and smell receptors rotted away. We may never know what signal they use to discern human from zombie.

  If we could learn to imitate this signal, we could walk through the midst of a crowd of zombies untouched. We could patent it, “eau de zombe” or some such and make millions, though you’d most likely not have much of a sense of smell if you could stomach wearing the stuff.

  Since the virus communicates, this implies that it’s a smart virus, designed and engineered to be more deadly and widespread. The desire to bite others also supports this theory. The infected are driven to spread the infection as much as possible. In other words…bite, bite, bite.

  It’s their prime instinct, to search out normal humans and bite them. Yes, an airborne virus would be quicker, but also more dangerous to those releasing such a virus. Plus, the psychological warfare of a zombie virus would be a great advantage in forcing a population to turn on itself.

  Is there a cure? I can imagine a future where someone is naturally immune, bitten, catching the virus, managing to overcome it, and creating antibodies. A vaccine could very well be created to inoculate future generations. Unfortunately, the only way to find out if you’re immune is to be bitten. I don’t recommend trying this little experiment. Running has better odds.

  Can a zombie be hurt? Yes and no. They don’t feel pain or at least they don’t react to pain. You may think this would be nice, especially after dropping an iron on your hand when you were eight, but it’s not so great.

  Pain’s a good thing. It reminds you that you’re human and it keeps you from doing massive damage to yourself on accident. So the zombie didn’t flinch when you hit it with a shovel. This doesn’t imply you haven’t done damage to that zombie.

  Say you cut off an arm. That arm is no longer attached to the brain and ceases to function. Yay! The zombie will also slowly bleed to death. This will take days as the zombie’s metabolism and blood flow have slowed immensely, but it will still die. Don’t believe anyone who says there is no blood. Of course there is. Cells need energy to move. Blood carries energy.

  If you damage the brain or the heart, death will be quicker. If you cut off a head, the zombie will die pretty much immediately, just avoid the last couple seconds of death biting. If you do enough damage to the body, the zombie will die. The idea that zombies will continue to crawl after you no matter what or a severed limb will inch towards you is creepy and great in movies, but also absurd. So, aim for the head and the chest.

  Will a zombie continue to live forever if undamaged? Also false. Do you truly believe everything you see on TV? Muscles contain a finite amount of energy and since zombies don’t eat, besides the occasional face of a friend, this energy is not replaced. The muscles will cease to work at a certain point. Also, with the virus destroying the immune system, zombies will be wide open to all manner of illness, disease, plague, and pestilence.

  Their lowered metabolism and inability to regulate temperature will make them susceptible to larva, insect, and bacterial infestation. Stick a piece of meat outside for a while and watch what happens to it. Ants and flies are your new best friends in a zombie invasion. Zombies will literally be eaten and rot away in front of you. Gross and stinky, yes, but a good thing in the long run if you want to survive.

  Their inability to regulate body temperature also makes them subject to the weather. Extreme heat and extreme cold will kill a zombie. Hot deserts will suck the moisture from a zombie. No moisture, no life. Frosty mountain tops will freeze the blood and cells crack and burst. Dead and dead.

  A zombie, even in a lowered metabolic state, needs energy to continue shuffling and moaning. Without much food or liquid, the energy will be cannibalized from the fats in the body, then from the muscle, and eventually from the heart and what’s left of the brain. Even though zombies don’t attack their own, at least they’re eating themselves. Thank you for that, zombies.

  The zombies don’t sweat and retain much of their water content at the point of infection. Hopefully the
sun will still cook some of this moisture off. Leave crates of alcohol around and maybe the zombies will drink it and cook off moisture faster. It works with sauces.

  Death by starvation and dehydration may take months as they use very little energy shuffling, moaning, drooling, and occasionally biting, but death will come and it will be sped up by mother nature. That means wait it out long enough and they’ll all be dead and you can reclaim civilization.

  The only good news out of this whole tragedy is that you’ll most likely be able to choose your homes, and I do mean plural, when things calm down. Debt will be a thing of the past. The bad news is you most likely won’t have electricity, running water, fast food, grocery stores, or much of a government. Get ready to do your own farming, which is hard work, really hard work.

  Appendix 1-A

  72 Hour Kit

  Food and Water

  (A three day supply of food and water, per person, when no refrigeration or cooking is available)

  � Protein/Granola Bars

  � Trail Mix/Dried Fruit

  � Crackers/Cereals (for munching…no munching on brains)

  � Canned Tuna, Beans, Turkey, Beef, Sausages, etc (“pop-top” cans that open without a can-opener might not be a good idea, they can pop open during travel and we all know zombies are attracted to Sausages.)

  � Canned Juice

  � Candy/Gum (warning: some candy can melt and using mint gum might make everything taste like mint. Mint stew, mint clothing, mint bouillon.)

  � Water (1 Gallon/4 Liters Per Person)

  Bedding and Clothing

  � Change of Clothing (short and long sleeved shirts, pants, jackets, socks, etc. Always a good thing to have because you will be stinky and dirty and covered in zombie juice.)

  � Undergarments (yes undies are very important, especially since you may soil yours several times while escaping)

  � Rain Coat/Poncho (handy for rain or makeshift tents)

  � Blankets and Emergency Heat Blanks (that keep in warmth)

  � Cloth Sheet (for sleeping, carrying things in a bundle over your shoulder, like Santa, and for cutting into ribbons for bandages and such)

  � Plastic Sheet (makeshift shelter…will not keep zombies out)

  Fuel and Light

  � Battery Lighting (Flashlights, Lamps, etc.) Don’t forget batteries!

  � Extra Batteries (do not keep them stored in the flashlights)

  � Flares (zombies do not like flares)

  � Candles (zombies do not like fire in general)

  � Lighter (zombies no likey)

  � Water-Proof Matches (fire bad to zombies…also useful for cooking)

  Equipment

  � Can Opener (if you forgot this one…good luck beating those cans open with a rock)

  � Dishes/Utensils (because we are more civilized than zombies)

  � Shovel (very useful as a tool and a weapon)

  � Radio (with batteries!)

  � Pen and Paper (this book counts as extra paper if not in ebook form)

  � Axe (also useful as a tool and a weapon)

  � Pocket Knife (mainly a tool, I wouldn’t want to face a zombie armed only with a pocket knife)

  � Rope (this is a tool and not much of a weapon)

  � Duct Tape (it may save you after all)

  � Solar or crank charger (a must have if this guide is on your ebook or cell phone)

  Personal Supplies and Medication

  � First Aid Kit and Supplies (I have another list below of what should be in this)

  � Toiletries (roll of toilet paper- remove the center tube to easily flatten into a zip-lock bag, feminine hygiene, folding brush, etc. You want to be pretty for the zombies.)

  � Cleaning Supplies (mini hand sanitizer, soap, shampoo, dish soap, etc. Warning: Scented soap might “flavor” food items. Hand sanitizer is a must after fighting zombies.)

  � Immunizations Up-to Date (for bird flu and zombinella)

  � Medication (Acetaminophen, Ibuprofen, children’s medication, anti-zombie tablets, etc.)

  � Prescription Medication (for 3 days)

  Personal Documents and Money

  (Place these items in a water-proof container!)

  � Scriptures (great reading material to keep your mind off zombies)

  � Genealogy Records (proves you do not have zombie ancestors)

  � Legal Documents (Birth/Marriage Certificates, Wills, Passports, Contracts, etc)

  � Vaccination Papers

  � Insurance Policies (is zombie attack covered?)

  � Cash (helpful at first, but may decrease in value quickly)

  � Credit Card (also helpful at first…as long as there is electricity)

  � Pre-Paid Phone Cards

  Miscellaneous

  � Bag(s) to put 72 Hour Kit items in (such as duffel bags or back packs, which work great) Make sure you can lift/carry/roll it! (they also come in handy once they’re empty)

  � Infant Needs (if applicable)

  Notes:

  1. Update your 72 Hour Kit every six months (put a note in your calendar/planner) to make sure that: all food, water, and medication are fresh and have not expired; clothing fits; personal documents and credit cards are up to date; and batteries are charged. (don’t be lazy)

  2. Small toys/games are important too as they will provide some comfort and entertainment during a stressful time. (There is nothing like a game of go fish to keep your mind off the zombie hordes gathering outside.)

  3. Older children can be responsible for their own pack of items/clothes too.

  4. You can include any other items in your 72 Hour Kit that you feel are necessary for your family’s survival. (axe, guns, flares, glow sticks)

  5. Some items and/or flavors might leak, melt, “flavor” other items, or break open. Dividing groups of items into individual zipping bags might help prevent this.

  Appendix 1-B

  First Aid Kit and Supplies

  � Container (metal, wood, or plastic) with a fitted cover to store first aid kit

  � First Aid Booklet (including CPR, DO NOT attempt CPR on a Zombie!)

  � Prescribed Medications

  � Any critical medical family histories (susceptibility to zombie strain)

  � Adhesive (as in tape, you dummy)

  � Ammonia (zombies do not like ammonia)

  � Bicarbonate of soda (for upset stomach…which may be often)

  � Calamine lotion (sunburn/insect and zombie bites)

  � Diarrhea remedy (from not boiling your water, silly)

  � Elastic bandages

  � Gauze bandages

  � Hot-water bottle (don’t know why…)

  � Hydrogen peroxide (for use on zombie bites)

  � Ipecac syrup (induces vomiting, like you’re going to need to induce it)

  � Knife (not for fighting zombies)

  � Matches (fire is your friend)

  � Measuring cup (very helpful for making special anti-zombie ramen)

  � Medicine dropper

  � Needles (for sewing up zombie bites)

  � Paper bags (put over head and you are invisible to zombies for three minutes)

  � Razor blades

  � Rubbing alcohol (dump on zombie bites)

  � Safety pins

  � Scissors

  � Soap (wash hands often during zombie invasions)

  � Thermometer (zombies do not have a stable temperature)

  � Triangular bandages (you don’t want round ones)

  � Tweezers (for eyebrows…crazy eyebrows make zombies angry)

  � Prescriptions

  Additional First Aid Kit Supplies

  � Immunization records

  � Medications for children (if applicable)

  � Fever reducing medications such as aspirin, acetaminophen, or ibuprofen

  � Allergy medication (I’m allergic to zombies, may work…you never know)

&nbs
p; � Antibacterial wipes

  � Antibiotic ointment

  � Antiseptic wipes

  � Band-aids (for zombie boo-boos)

  � Burn ointment/spray (for that iron you dropped on your hand)

  � Cotton balls (they squeak when you pull them apart)

  � Cough syrup/cough drops (sore throat is an early symptom of zombiness)

  � Disposable blanket (why are we throwing things away)

  � Eye drops/eye wash (red eyes and someone may mistake you for a zombie)

  � Feminine Hygiene

  � Latex Gloves (yeah…a must have. Wear under chainmail gloves)

  � Hand sanitizer (use often after fighting zombies)

  � Hot and cold instant packs

  � Hydrocortisone cream

  � Lip ointment (chap stick, pucker up for the zombies)

  � Medical tape (waterproof & regular)

  � Nail clippers (zombies are jealous of long nails, keep them trim)

  � Needle and thread (sewing is a nice past time)

  � Snake bite kit (also known as zombie bite kit…a must have as well)

  � Sterile strips

  � Sunscreen/lotion (you don’t want a sunburn while running from the mindless hordes)

  � Tourniquet kit (may keep zombie bite from spreading)

  � Petroleum Jelly (zombies do not like this goopy stuff, spread it all over your arms and legs)

  � Water purification tablets (duh!)

  Notes:

  1. Update your first aid kit every six months (put a note in your calendar/planner) to replenish and check all supplies. Expired or contaminated items should be replaced. (don’t be lazy)