The Shades of Time and Memory

by Storm Constantine

  Caeru side. "All right. But I'll never forgive you if he throws me out."

  "The Hegemony is due to meet this afternoon. You should both be there. Sort this out before that."

  It took ten minutes to reach Cal's apartment: to Caeru it felt like over an hour and get mere seconds. He had no idea what reception he'd get. A member of the Tigron staff let him in and, without any apparent hesitation or disapproval, conducted him into Cal's presence. Caeru was disappointed to find that Cal was not in any kind of emotional agony, but was poring over immense piles of paper in his office. After Caeru had been announced, he said, "I was going to come and see you later."

  "You didn't come last night," Caeru said, staring meaningfully at the attendant until he went away.

  "No, I went to see Ashmael."

  "Right. And what did he have to say?"

  "You don't want to hear. We were stupid, Rue. Really stupid."

  "I know. I'll be lucky if I'm not scarred for life."

  Cal laughed uncertainly. "There are particular images that will stay with me for the rest of mine."

  "So, what's your decision?"

  "What you mean?"

  "You know. Well? Did Ashmael help you make it?"

  Cal sighed. "Sit down. We have to talk."

  "No. I just want an answer. Are you going to repeat history and turn your back on me?"

  Cal put his hands on Caeru's arms. " No. It's just... Oh hell, I don't know what it is."

  Caeru pulled away from him. "I think I do. You want permission first. Isn't that it?"

  "I want to talk to Pell, yes."

  Sometimes, Caeru considered, the female side of being har manifested itself at the most inappropriate times. A small part of him, that seemed to be hovering somewhere near the light fitting, looked on in horror as he sank down on a chair and began to weep. He couldn't stop himself. It was decades of disappointment and heartbreak spilling out in one long stream. Even as he abandoned himself to misery, he realized that Cal must be thinking this was a deliberate ploy to get attention and sympathy. That only made it worse. Get out! A rational part of his brain advised. Get out now before you make more of a fool of yourself.

  Blindly, he got to his feet and made in what he hoped was the direction of the door. All of Cal staff would see him like this. It was vile.

  Cal grabbed hold of him before he could leave the room. "Rue," Cal said lamely. "Don't."

  Caeru pulled away. "You don't get it, do you?" he yelled and thumped his own chest. "It's in here. All of it. It's called love. It's like a magic spell or a curse."

  Cal frowned in what appeared to be genuine perplexity. "You love me?"

  "No! Not you, you idiot!" Caeru yanked open the door and ran down the corridor outside. He was dimly aware of curious Hara observing him from various doorways.

  Cal came after him, of course, and dragged him into another room. He slammed the door and leaned upon it, so that Caeru couldn't get out. "Calm down," he said.

  "Fuck you!"

  "I won't have this. You understand? I'm sick and tired of being this chaotic force that fucks up everyhar's life. Don't do this to me. Let me be."

  Caeru laughed bitterly through his tears. "Now we're ourselves, aren't we?"

  "I've taken you on. You asked me to and I have. If I can heal the rift between you and Pell, I will, but us being together before I've talked to him won't help. He'll read it all wrong.”

  “He won't. You don't know him. He expends universal energy into maintaining the belief that I don't exist. Everyhar knows it. It'll go down in history.”

  “Not in my version of events it won't.”

  “Rewrite history, then. It'll do nothing to help me.” Caeru rubbed his face. The tears had stopped. “How I wish I hadn't come here.”

  “It's a bit late for that, isn't it?”

  “I meant today,” Caeru snapped.

  Cal laughed, so infectiously that Caeru found himself smiling, even though he didn't want to. “I promise you: I'll make Pell see sense.”

  Caeru reached out and touched Cal's face. “You're sweet, really, aren't you? Your optimism is just so sweet.” He withdrew his hand. “But totally improbable. Come to me tonight, Cal, or never come at all. For once, I want things to be on my terms.”

  He pushed Cal aside and left the room, considering that was probably the best parting shot he'd ever delivered.

  Chapter Four

  Many times, Pellaz broke his journey through the otherlanes to ride upon the back of the world, to feel the road beneath his sedu's hooves, to watch the season flow past. Over the years since he'd become Tigron in Immanion, he had been prey to depression at regular intervals but what he felt now was deeper and more profound. He needed to escape the otherlanes to assure himself the world was real and that he wasn't just dreaming it. He realised he was afraid: the fabric of reality might break apart at any moment and he would be sucked into the place where his spirit had fled a long time ago. This might all be a dream. He might still be dying, somewhere.

  Usually, Pellaz could find solace at the House of Parasiel in Galhea, where several of his closest friends lived. But the news he'd had to take to them – or rather the truth after the variety of wild rumours and speculations they'd heard – had not been entirely welcome. Seel thought he'd gone mad even to entertain the idea of having Cal back in his life and was incandescent with fury over what had happened to Thiede; Cobweb had been mightily offended because Cal had refused to accompany Pell there; Swift had been outraged they hadn't been informed of the details sooner, as he regarded Cal as family, and Tyson – well, it was difficult to read Tyson's reaction because he was Cal's son, and so like his hostling. His sullenness could hide excitement at the prospect of reunion with his parent or -- given his blood -- murderous impulses.

  But perhaps more unsettling than any of the Parasilians' reactions to news of Thiede's fall and Cal's instatement, were the private words Cobweb had had with Pellaz the previous night. They had walked in the gardens of We Dwell in Forever, a house now as famous as the family who lived within it. Cobweb was a creature of magic and mystery, more feminine than any har had a right to be, and he possessed the second sight.

  As they passed beneath the weeping willows that cast their sorrowful locks upon the surface of the quiet, moon-kissed lake, Cobweb said, "Cal is always somehar else's sword." He reached up to bend a pliable twig around his fingers, twisting and twisting it, although it did not break.

  "Tell me what you mean," Pellaz said. "Whose sword is he now?"

  "That of the one who wish to see Thiede dead."

  "Are you speaking of the Kamagrian parage, Opalexian?"

  Cobweb said nothing. He went to squat beside the water and gazed down into it. Pellaz joined him, wondering if Cobweb could conjure pictures on the silvery surface.

  "Thiede isn't dead," Pellaz said, "not in the normal sense."

  "He is strong," Cobweb said, "and he passed from flush with his inner eyes open. That is all. He might place his feet in many worlds, but he did not want this, Pell. Don't deceive yourself otherwise."

  "The Kamagrian did not wish Thiede dead. Opalexian is a recluse."

  Cobweb look to the last directly in the eye. "When Cal went to speak in the Hegalion that first time, he spoke of the Kamagrian. He told the Hegemony about them, these strange off-shoots of Wraeththu who refer to themselves as female. They had healed and trained him in the mystical arts. Why did Opalexian take it upon herself to do that? In sending Cal to Immanion, she changed the world. It was a great shock, was it not...? For some..."

  Pellaz sighed. "I won't try to deceive you. I have known of the Kamagrian's existence since Flick and Ulaume went to live in Roselane. I visited Shilalama often. You know that."

  "I have seen your visits there," Cobweb said, "and what you learned."

  Pellaz wasn't completely sure whether Cobweb was telling the truth is or how much he really knew. "Opalexian asked me to keep quiet, and I did," he said. "It was not yet time for Wraeththu to know
about the Kamagrian. It was safer for everyhar to believe those who lived in Roselane are Wraeththu ascetics, a community of misfits. Opalexian feared persecution."

  "I wonder why? She is as powerful as Thiede was."

  "I respected her wishes. It did no harm. And since Thiede's disappearance, she hasn't come charging into Almagabra with a horde of Kamagrian Amazons, so we can only presume she still intends to keep a low profile. I asked her to come to Immanion and speak to the Hegemony, but she declined the invitation."

  Cobweb ignored these comments. "Hara do not know the truth about your relationship with Shilalama, do they? You still keep your silence."

  Pell looked away, sure that Cobweb would interpret correctly the lies in his gaze. "It is irrelevant. My visits there were social, and primarily concerned Flick and Ulaume."

  "Do not look for Thiede in the parage, Opalexian," Cobweb said. "Along that path lies delusion and danger."

  "I have no intention of replacing Thiede, if that's what you're implying."

  Cobweb stood up and took a deep breath through his nose. "Be careful, Pell. The winds of change are, in reality, a hurricane of transformation. It is all far bigger than you know and it has yet to begin."

  "What can you see? Tell me."

  "Shadows," Cobweb said, "and somewhere a leaking truth."

  "That's very helpful."

  "It's all I can say. You will soon know. Seek your brother."

  "Terez is in Immanion. What can he tell me?"

  "Not Terez," Cobweb said. "He is your sword, Pell, and he is sharp. Use him wisely. Use him as your scout to find the one you really need."

  "Then, are you speaking of Dorado? Is he still alive? What do you know? Tell me!"

  "Very little. A hunch. When Cal went to Immanion, the reverberations of what happened opened portals that are usually closed. I saw many things that night. And one of the things I saw, or felt, was your kin. He has greater strengths than you, in some respects, as all the Cevarros have their own particular strengths."

  "We are no longer Cevarros," Pellaz said, "we are har Aralis. But not Dorado. He went to the Uigenna. He cannot be part of what we are. He can only be part of our lingering problems in Megalithica."

  "Listen to yourself. What scorn! And from which tribe does your beloved Cal derive? Who incepted Terez?"

  "That is different."

  Cobweb laughed. "Of course. When you finally start using your brain, Pell, come and see me."

  "And what's that supposed to mean?"

  "You'll know."

  Cobweb would say no more on the matter, but the conversation had a profound effect upon Pellaz. He had slept badly that night and his dreams had been disturbing, even though he could barely remember the details when he woke up. Now, as he rode through north Almagabra towards home, he contemplated the delights of running away into the wilderness and shunning all responsibility. He was tired. He needed a holiday, not the simmering cauldron of intrigue that comprised the Phaonican court. In his mind, he spoke to Thiede: have we come to this? No wonder you opted out.

  There was, as he expected, no response.

  Pellaz directed a command to his sedu: "Open a portal, Peridot. Let's go home."

  The sedu shuddered with power and around them space and time became unstable. Peridot leapt into the spaces between the worlds. Pellaz thought he knew the otherlanes well. He knew their dangers and their delights. In some ways, they were the back alleys of creation, for in these places lost and desperate spirits gathered and lurked, their clawed and icy fingers ready to pinch a healthy living soul to grab some of its essence. Pellaz did not fear these sad entities: they were no more threat to him than tiny insects. But what he did fear was the yawning black hole that opened up unexpectedly in front of Peridot, like a bandit in their path.

  It was a portal, but it was also an entity. Pell sensed Peridot's panic as the sedu struggled to veer past the manifestation. Pellaz could feel a strong force emanating from it that sought to suck them from their path. It was malign and it possessed intention. It had come for them specifically.

  Pellaz thrust his hands deep into Peridot's astral being, reaching for his organs of energy. He fed the sedu with as much strength as he could muster. Their combined power was just enough to allow them to scrape past the danger. As they passed it, dark tendrils whipped out from it, like stinging vines.

  "Out!" Pellaz directed the sedu. "Now."

  Peridot needed no further encouragement. He burst from the otherlanes into earthly reality, transforming as he did so, back into a white horse. Pellaz saw that Peridot's neck was streaked with blood. Something had gouged him in the otherlanes. His own cheeks were stinging and the back of his hands looked burned.

  Once Pellaz reached his apartment in Phaonica, he went to his bathroom and he immersed himself in scented water to soothe his hurts away. There was no longer any sign of injury on his body, but he ached inside as if his entire being was frozen. The journey home had unsettled him greatly, although now, back in the real world, he did not think the manifestation in the otherlanes could have been a deliberate attack. The otherlanes were infinite Pellaz realized that even with his experience he really knew so little of them. It was probably an isolated incident, but in future, he'd take precautions before travelling. He saw no reason to confide in anyhar else about this.

  Relaxing in a bath the size of a swimming pool, he watched the green light come down through the windows in the ceiling. He studied the marble columns around the room, the glint of brass and gold among the fixtures. How can this be? he wondered. Where did all this come from?

  Phaonica appeared as if it had stood for thousands of years, yet it was comparatively new, as was most of Immanion.

  We take so much for granted, Pell thought, but how did Thiede do this, really?

  He didn't believe Thiede had built Immanion through the use of magic, which was a popular myth, but neither had it been built from scratch the hard way. So much of the Wraeththu world had arrived complete and developed, in little pockets around the globe. It's didn't make sense, and to think about it was like trying to imagine the infinity of space. It was as if the mind shied away from it.

  Ever since Cal had come to the city and endured his world-shaking fight with Thiede, Pellaz had felt unsafe. He missed Thiede: his mordant humour, his wry affection, but most of all the way he'd somehow kept the world glued together. Without him, it was in danger of falling apart. Pellaz did not think the Aralisians and the Hegemony were enough to keep it together. They were also uninformed about what Wraeththu really was and how it had come to happen. One thing was certain: Pellaz har Aralis, Tigron of Immanion, felt more insecure and in doubt than he'd ever felt in his life. And where did Kamagrian fit into the picture? They had found, trained and healed Cal, because Pell had asked their leader, Opalexian, to do it, but nohar knew that. He'd begged the universe to grant a wish, and it had, with the help of the Kamagrian, but there have been a high price attached to it. In retrospect, even Pellaz wondered whether he'd done right in asking for it.

  He rose from the bath and wrapped himself in towels, leaving wet footprints as he padded back into his bedroom. He found Cal there, sitting on the bed. He did not look happy.

  "Thanks for coming here so quickly," Pell said. "Galhea was... difficult. Ground me."

  Cal smiled. "Welcome back. Come here. I've missed you."

  Pell sat beside him and laid his head on Cal's shoulder. "Help," he said. "I feel strange."

  Cal embrace him and sighed deeply. "You're not alone. Can we escape?"

  "No."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Don't apologize. We knew we'd have to deal with... fall out."

  "Is it worth it to you?"

  Pellaz kissed Cal on the mouth. "It'll all work out." He lay against Cal's side and for some time they were silent. Pellaz sensed Cal had something to say. He watched the flies circling high in the room and listened to the gentle clink of wind chimes on the terrace outside. This should be perfect.

 
"Pell," Cal said. "There's something you should know. I've spent some time with Rue."

  "Has he upset you?"

  "Yes and no. It got out of hand."

  "I see. That doesn't surprise me."

  "I need to talk to you about it. We've been together several times and I don't know what I feel about it. Am I being disloyal?"

  Pellaz sat up. "I'm not going to be angry or hurt, Cal. It was obvious to me that Rue would want a piece of you. I won't give him the satisfaction of resenting it. I can't afford to give anyhar that power."

  "Can you stop hating him?"