The Shades of Time and Memory

by Storm Constantine

  Chapter Eighteen

  By the time they reached Galhea, the last of the leaves were falling from the trees, and the horses trod upon a sodden, fading carpet of gold and bronze on every road. Rooks called from the high bare branches and the fields beyond the roads looked wide and empty.

  Moon had not really been surprised to discover that Raven was now a changed har. Moon had never heard him sing before, but now Raven's deep honeyed voice carried them into the future. It was the theme music of their journey, and Moon would never forget it. Eventually, he'd look back fondly on that aspect of their travels. Raven and Terez sang continually, and seemed oblivious to any iciness in their companions. It seemed to Moon obscene that Raven should be so released, so happy, for Moon felt quite the opposite. He was brittle and offhand with Raven, even though it was clear Raven felt he should now take on the mantle of hostling, which Silken's death had left lying on the floor long ago to go mouldy: until now, Raven had simply walked across it every day without noticing it. Moon felt uncomfortable with this joyous stranger, because every gesture of affection or concern was coloured by Raven's own happiness. He couldn't really see that Moon was suffering, because in his bright new world there was no room for such things.

  Moon did not speak to Tyson again, about any personal matter. In the morning after confronting Tyson, he'd woken from unrefreshing sleep filled with anger. Downstairs in the farmhouse, normality had been restored. Moon and his companions ate breakfast with a rowdy group of hara who told them they'd been celebrating somehar's feybraiha nearly all night at a nearby farm. While Raven and Terez chatted easily with their hosts, Tyson never spoke a word. He didn't even look up from his plate. Moon simmered with rage. He thought Tyson's piety was false. He'd put Terez first. His feelings for Moon could not be that deep. Despite this, it was clear that Tyson was not happy either.

  After they'd left the farm to resume their journey, Moon could see the great effort Tyson put into being sociable with the others and he felt vengefully pleased about it. But whatever small gratifications Moon derived from Tyson's discomfort were eclipsed totally by what he had to endure himself. He had discovered aruna's savage side.

  The spirit of this thing, which had absolutely no consideration for any living har, was vicious in its desire to be satisfied. It was a black hag gibbering at Moon's back every step of the way. It clawed his body, made him feel sick, gave him headaches. A more experienced har could have told Moon this was because he was young and aruna had only recently become a part of his life, and that part of growing up meant aruna was an itch that needed to be scratched fairly regularly. Denied, it got nasty. Terez or Raven could have told Moon this, but Moon was in such a state, so envious of them, he couldn't go to them for help or advice. If he tried to relieve himself, the demanding spirit of aruna viewed it with contempt.

  Think you can get rid of me that easily, fool? Think again.

  Some hara might have been able to cope that way, but Moon was not one of them. He wondered whether he had to resign himself to the prospect of going mad. It didn't help that the object of his desire was so close to him physically, yet so distant. Eventually, as the days passed, the need became so great that Moon knew he'd have to find somehar to be with the next time they visited a settlement. Unfortunately, that might not be for a couple of days. Moon was really afraid now that he couldn't last that long. The dark spirit was killing him. He could almost see it at night, a shadowy blue-black phantom at the corner of his vision, waiting with clawed hands to attack him. He could no longer sleep properly and his dreams, when he had them, intensified his frustration.

  One night, as he lay awake, he realised he was not himself any more. He had a disease that was eating him away. He was afraid that he'd lose his mind completely and do something terrible, only to come to his senses with blood on his hands. The terror condensed in the small bivouac he occupied. The canvas pressed down on him, smothering his breath. Very soon, the dark spirit would take over, and then Moon would be lost.

  Panicking, he fought from his sleeping bag and clawed his way out of the bivouac. He stumbled to where Raven and Terez were sleeping and scratched at the stiff tarry fabric that covered them. “Raven, Raven...” He was nearly in tears.

  After some moments, Raven opened the bivouac and, uttering a sound of concern, took Moon in his arms. Moon gratefully collapsed against him, sobbing. “You have to help me. You have to...”

  “What's wrong?” Raven murmured, stroking his hair.

  Later, Moon wouldn't remember exactly what he said, but he knew that in his desperation it was graphic. Terez had also come out of the bivouac by this time and both he and Raven listened to Moon's hysterical outpourings without comment. Moon was vaguely aware, on the edge of his perception, that Raven was faintly shocked. The expulsion of the words alone was something of a release and once he'd got it all out, Moon lay weeping against Raven's side.

  “You should have said something before,” Raven said. He sighed. “This is my fault. I should have noticed. I should have been caring for you, as Snake wanted me to.”

  “I knew this would happen,” Terez said darkly. “It's like a curse.”

  “Neither of them gave into it,” Raven said in a rather sharp tone. It was clear he and Terez had discussed the matter of Moon and Tyson.

  Raven took Moon's head in his hands and made him look at him. “I didn't teach you well, did I? I'm sorry. This is normal, Moon. It's just part of life. You fixed yourself on somehar and it didn't happen. This is the result.” He let go of Moon and said to Terez, “Would you mind...?” He jerked his head in the direction of Moon's camping site.

  Terez shook his head. “Of course not.” He began to head to the place where Moon had tried to sleep.

  “No,” Raven said. “Go to Ty, Terez. I think you should.”

  Terez nodded. He went off into the trees, to the spot where Tyson had pitched his bivouac, some distance from the others.

  “Are you OK with this?” Raven asked Moon.

  Moon now thought he had made too much of a fuss and felt stupid. He knew that Raven meant to take aruna with him, and part of him was embarrassed by the whole thing, while another part of him was relieved. “Don't let me be ouana,” he said. “I'm afraid of what I'll be. I can feel it like a dark tornado. It's worse than an earthquake.”

  “That's Uigenna blood for you,” Raven said. “Keep to your own, Moon. Forget the Gelaming.”

  “You are with one.”

  “That's different, and you know it. Tyson is a fool.”

  “He's only doing what Terez wants him to.”

  “I don't know what he's doing,” Raven said dryly, “but I think it's more to do with himself than anyhar else.”

  Moon didn't entirely agree with this, and for some reason felt he should spring to Tyson's defence, but said nothing. He knew only one thing: Raven was right about the Uigenna blood. He remembered the story of his parents and it filled him with dread. He was horrified to think he might have followed a similar path. Still, Raven had the power to heal and used it wisely. Once it was over, Moon felt more like himself again and deeply ashamed. “How do we control it?” he asked Raven. “That feeling. It's evil. It's so selfish.”

  Raven held him close and said, “You were led on, Moon.”

  “No, I wasn't. It's in me. It scares me.”

  “Try to forget him,” Raven said. “I know it's easy for me to say, but I'll help you. When we get to Galhea, find some new friends, some nearer your own age.”

  “I love him,” Moon said, and it felt like the biggest confession in the world.

  Raven made a soft sound and kissed the top of Moon's head. “You're young,” he said. “You'll heal yourself of it. In years to come, when you look back, it won't seem real.”

  At least Raven hadn't denied Moon's feelings or tried to tell him they were something else. “You are with the one you loved years ago,” Moon said. “That happened for you.”

  “Sometimes the universe is kind,” Raven said. “Som
etimes, it forgives. Sometimes, things just aren't meant to be and then the universe will do all that it can to prevent anything happening. Tyson identifies with his hostling too much. He's reliving a history he never had and yet at the same time he's fighting it. You're well out of that, Moon. Take my advice: keep far away. The thing that keeps you apart is your guardian spirit.”

  Moon buried his face in Raven's braids and inhaled their dark, buttery, musky perfume. “You're so different now,” he said.

  For the rest of the journey, it was testament to Raven and Terez's generosity that they took their wayward companions in hand and spend less time with each other than they wanted to. Terez generally rode on ahead with Tyson, while Raven hung back with Moon and tried to keep him in good spirits. He taught Moon a lot of old songs, spiritual ones from before he was har, which his family used to sing. Every evening, he'd ask Moon if he wanted to be alone that night or needed company. Moon took advantage of the offer only when he was afraid the bad feelings would come back. He didn't want to be in the way of Raven's newfound happiness. He realised that the best thing to come out of the whole sorry situation was that he and Raven had become close. Even though they occasionally shared a bed, Raven felt like family, the nearest Moon had had to a hostling. Moon learned to love him, but not in the way he loved Tyson. He was looking forward to telling Snake about all this. He was looking forward to Snake seeing how much Raven had changed.

  Tyson, on the other hand, failed to find any positive aspects in the situation. He felt torn apart, faintly ridiculous and full of bitter regret. Terez had said nothing aloud to condemn him, but Tyson was aware of an air of contempt in Terez's manner. Tyson had done what he could to earn Terez's approval, but in the event, he might as well have not bothered. Terez held him responsible for Moon's feelings, and clearly had very little regard for Tyson's own. Now, the possibility of he and Moon ever being together seemed shattered. It was all a horrible mess that made him wince with shame. Like the others, he hadn't considered Moon's state of mind. He'd thought only about himself and with more than a faint whiff of burning martyr. He wanted to forget the whole thing, but on those occasions when his gaze accidentally scraped across the space that Moon occupied in the world, he was filled with painful longing. He knew now it wasn't about aruna. It was about taking the hand of a har he adored and saying, “This is you and me against the world. Together, we are bigger than we are when we're apart. You are the sun that keeps my world alive.” Moon's youth no longer seemed an impediment. It was the magic of wonder, a rejuvenating balm, and for the sake of nothing, Tyson felt he had denied himself this miracle for all time. The last leaves falling from the trees were the last tears. Beyond them, lay winter, barrenness and cold.

  When Moon first saw his father again, he was surprised to see how much better Snake looked. The Parsics had given him healing and although they couldn't mend his body completely, they had taken away a lot of the pain and stiffness, which meant that Snake could move more easily. He stood taller and now he never covered his seeing Eye. There was an emotional reunion with Raven, during which Snake shed tears of happiness. It seemed that everyhar, but for Moon, had seen their lives transform into wondrous new territory. Hope, strength and harmony filled the air. Whatever problems the Tigron might have, this company of forceful souls must be able to help him vanquish any danger.

  The Tigron's family remained in Galhea only for a few more days, before Pellaz summoned more sedim so that the five of them could travel to Immanion swiftly. The days were so filled with social gatherings and trips to particular sites of interest that they passed for Moon in a whirl. He barely caught sight of Tyson, who disappeared into the depths of Forever, or else into town, and did not re-emerge. Moon had to meet so many new hara that some of his emotional pain inevitably subsided. He made particular friends with Aleeme, the consort of Swift's son Azriel, and spent one unforgettable night with both of them in their bedroom, during which he learned so many astonishing things that hara could do together, it made him laugh aloud at odd moments for several days afterwards. He said nothing to Azriel or Aleeme about his feelings for Tyson, and even managed to stop himself asking any questions. He knew that Raven was right. He should forget about Tyson. It would never had worked.

  If only we'd had just that one night, Moon thought. It would have been enough. Now, I will never know.

  He thought the pain afterwards would have been worth it.

  On their last night in Galhea, Cobweb threw a party in the style of which only he was capable. The house heaved with guests and there was so much food and drink Moon was sure that most of it would go to waste. Visitors came from near and far, and Moon was intrigued to meet his father's sister Mima, who arrived with Aleeme's parents from Roselane in Jaddayoth. The Cevarros sat together, a captivating and raucous tribe. But there was no Cal and there was no Tyson. There were holes in the gathering that no amount of laughter and wine could fill.

  All evening, Moon felt his eyes drawn again and again to a particularly beautiful har, who appeared to be a friend of Cobweb's although was considerably younger. Moon even entertained the idea, fuelled by wine, that he might strike up conversation with this har very soon. He might as well attempt to make his last night in Galhea as memorable as he could. He was about to ask Aleeme who the har was, and had even leaned across the table to do so, when his heart almost froze. Tyson had come into the room. He looked heart-breakingly gorgeous, dressed in black leather trousers and a soft white shirt, his hair clean and sleek. All of Moon's feelings for him came back in an unwelcome and instantaneous flood. Tyson stood in the doorway for some minutes, while Moon debated whether he should go over and speak. Was there a possibility they could remain friends? Aleeme and Azriel had already invited Moon back to Galhea at some time in the future. If he were to accept their invitation, then surely it would be more comfortable for everyhar if he and Tyson were on speaking terms. But before he made a decision, the har he'd been eyeing up all evening left the table and went to where Tyson stood at the threshold. Moon's chilled heart went even colder. He saw this har reach out and touch Tyson's face, and he did not pull away.

  Moon grabbed Aleeme's arm. “Who is that?” he demanded, pointing.

  Aleeme appeared bemused and puzzled, then said, “Oh, him? That's Ferany. He's Tyson's chesnari, or was. Nohar really knows what's going on between them now.”

  It was blindingly apparent to Moon what was going on.

  “Why?” Aleeme asked.

  Moon shrugged. He turned away, but not before he saw Tyson and Ferany embrace to share breath, not before he saw that Tyson was gazing right at him over Ferany's shoulder.

  “Moon?” Aleeme said cautiously. “What is it? You look very strange.”

  “Nothing,” Moon said. “Really, nothing.”

  Aleeme stared at him hard for some moments, and in that time, Moon believed his new friend intuited a little of what was going on. “You will come back, won't you?” Aleeme said.

  Moon smiled with difficulty. “Yes, I want to.”

  “Will you talk to us then? About the things you've not told us and maybe should have done? Explain that look Tyson just gave you?”

  Moon raised his eyebrows in what he hoped was a flirtatious manner, shrugged carelessly, and took another drink of wine. “Maybe. I'll see.”

  “Secrets,” said Aleeme. “I love them.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Moon came to believe that Immanion existed in a different time stream to the rest of the world. After living there a week, it felt like months had passed, and by the time the winter solstice festival arrived, he might as well have lived in the city all his life. Even so, if felt like there weren't enough hours in the day to accommodate all that he wanted, and was required, to do. Tutors came to his apartment in Phaonica for four hours every day, beginning after breakfast. These aloof hara instructed him in basic skills. In the afternoons, three days a week, Moon met for two hours with a high-ranking har who was in charge of his magical progression. In the C
ity of Ghosts, nohar had been concerned with caste ascension: Moon didn't even know the names of the different levels. Now, the instruction he received astounded him. He'd had no idea Wraeththu could learn to become seers like Snake, and to manipulate energy and affect the world around them.

  As well as these skills, Moon was trained in the art of controlling a sedu and the more taxing art of court etiquette. Pellaz might well have derived from a humble background himself, but now he held the reins of power in a tightly structured administration. He had been forced to learn quickly how to negotiate the twists and turns of Immanion's social complexities and clearly felt his brother's son, his sori, should be given a similar education.

  It was obvious to Moon that not everyhar approved of Pellaz bringing former relatives into the city; many frowned upon his desire to maintain contacts from his previous human existence. Perhaps, in seeing Pellaz dote upon his sori, many found themselves thinking wistfully of old family ties, and this bred resentment. Therefore, as Pellaz had done when Thiede had first brought him to the city, Moon had to be especially vigilant about how he behaved and what he said. Sometimes, alone at night, he became angry with himself for even caring about such things, but in the light of the day it was almost impossible not to seek Pell's favour. A smile of approval from the Tigron of Immanion was like seeing a prayer answered before your eyes. Moon's old life in Megalithica became increasingly remote. He had been plucked from it, as Ember had once feared, and now he barely remembered how he had felt and what he'd believed.