Lexi-West
Okay. See you tomorrow.
Can my weekend get any stranger? Seriously?
Annoyed with my thoughts and needing to get out of my own head, I spend the next few hours binge-watching Riverdale episodes before sleep pulls me under for a restless night of tossing and turning.
My Monday morning starts with the unwelcome feeling of guilt. I’m not sure what I’m guilty about, but it’s there in the back of my mind and gently nudges my already weakened emotions, making itself known.
Mike’s re-appearance in my life after being absent for a few years has been extremely unsettling. He may be my half brother, but I don’t even know him. I overheard my mum talking on the phone a few weeks back about how he’s been in prison and is staying here because he can’t leave the state. I have no idea what he did to land himself in prison, and my parents haven’t bothered to give me any details. Like, isn’t that something I should know? Is he a murderer? A pedophile? A rapist? Those last two seem pretty believable given his behaviour towards me.
A shiver runs up my spine at that thought, and my mind instantly goes to the night I woke to him standing over me, watching me sleep. He wasn’t looking at me with brotherly eyes. He was looking at me like I was something he wanted in a way a brother shouldn’t want his sister.
It’s creeping me the fuck out having him living under the same roof, sleeping down the other end of the hall. Why would my dad allow someone like him to stay here? Why would my mum agree to it? What the hell is wrong with my family?
With reluctance, I roll out of bed early, knowing I need a shower. I didn’t have time to have one yesterday after coming home and locking myself away. Mike is never up this early, so I quietly use the toilet before locking myself in the bathroom and shower the weekend away.
My mood is flat. A big dark shadow is circling my heart and filtering into my brain. I can’t recall a time when I’ve ever felt so unsettled, so on edge. My control is waning, tittering on the edge of a steep cliff with nothing but darkness below. I need to take my control back, but the only problem is, I don’t know how.
Knowing I need to stop overthinking, I focus on the task at hand. I dry my hair when I’m back in my room and put on the usual splash of concealer, blush, and mascara. Studying myself in the dresser mirror, I see someone staring back that looks a little more like the normal me. The dark shadows that were under my eyes are now hidden beneath my make-up. Pink blush helps my skin to appear to have more colour, and the black mascara framing my blue eyes makes them more striking.
I usually run the straightener through my hair to trick the world into thinking it’s smooth and perfectly straight. Today, however, I’ve decided that the natural blonde waves in my hair will do, and I tie it back into the school regulation ponytail.
I smile at myself. It’s not a genuine smile. It’s the fake smile I don on my face every day so that people can’t see the truth. I’m such a liar, and no one knows, not even Abbey. Everyone sees my fake identity—the in control, popular, friendly girl who does the right thing without being a pushover. The truth is, I don’t have my shit together at all. I’m a mess. I’m hanging by a thread, and my friends have no idea who I really am. I’m sick of doing the right thing when the people in my life do anything but, and I wish I didn’t have to act all the time.
“Fake bitch,” I mutter to my reflection before turning away and getting dressed in my school uniform. The winter uniform at Fox Pines Catholic College is snobby and formal. The long-sleeved crisp white shirt is hidden under a navy blazer trimmed with white binding and is finished with a formal navy tie. When winter starts, the uniform regulations change from the navy and white tartan summer skirt to a lengthened winter version. Regulations or not, none of the girls follow that rule and keep wearing their summer skirt. Yes, we choose fashion over comfort where this is concerned, and for a school with so many rules, the principal doesn’t say a thing. The creeper is most likely loving the eye full of skin that shows between the knee-high navy socks and the shorter kilt.
Keen to get away before Mike rises, I tiptoe downstairs and through the house to check on my mum. Cracking her bedroom door open, a cloud of cigarette smoke wafts out, nearly choking me. My mum is asleep, sitting up in bed with her mouth open and her golden brown hair in a messy ponytail. Next to her on the bed is a burning cigarette in an ashtray. I’ve found her quite a few times asleep with the cigarette still sitting in her fingers. Even though she managed to get it in the ashtray this time, I fear she’ll burn herself alive one day!
I step into her room and butt out the burning cigarette, moving the ashtray to her bedside table. My mum doesn’t wake, obviously still affected by whatever substance she managed to get her hands on yesterday. Her phone is lying beside her on the bed next to a pile of scrunched up tissues. It’s a telltale sign that she’s been fighting with my dad over the phone again. I’ve heard her multiple times while on the phone, begging him to come home from the city to spend time with her.
I often wonder that if dad just gave her the attention she wanted, then maybe she would be a different person who doesn’t have a need for potent drugs. It’s hard to say. Perhaps she is the way she is because he’s always away working in the city, or maybe he’s still living away to work in the city because she is the way she is.
I momentarily feel bad for mum, and whatever internal war goes on in her head. Will I turn out like her when I’m a mum? That’s if I ever get the chance to. It’s unlikely anyone will want to have kids with someone like me. A fucking headcase!
The negative thoughts come from a dark place within me, and I know I just need to get away from this house and these people, to help me feel better.
Since there’s still no food, I accept that today will be just another day that I don’t get the luxury of breakfast, and I rush out of the house to go and meet Abbey. I’m early to arrive at the corner house on Mill Street, where we meet every day before school.
One morning back in grade 5, we made a plan to leave our houses at the same time and make our way to each other. We mapped out the route first and decided that where we met would be halfway between our houses. This corner house on Mill Street was where we met, and it’s been our meet up place ever since.
Sitting on the brick fence, I listen to Spotify through my earphones while I wait. Today my dark mood leads me to my playlist called ‘Heavy.’ I named it that because it’s how I feel most of the time these days. I feel heavy, weighed down by the secrets I keep, by the shame I carry.
The sounds of Panic at the Disco, Three Days Grace, and Breaking Benjamin soothe my soul briefly as I let the music flow in, clearing my thoughts. The anger and pain I feel through the instruments and lyrics draw me in. Sometimes I feel like these songs were written just for me, and I wonder what unspeakable things happened to whoever wrote them.
I scream! My eyes fly open in fright. Abbey is standing in front of me, buckled over laughing. Ripping the earphones out of my ears, I push myself off the fence.
“Oh, you’re hilarious, aren’t you?”
Abbey can hardly speak, “Y-y-your face.” She slaps her leg continuing to laugh, “L-looked so freaking s-scared!”
If only she knew. I had been so consumed by the music that I forgot where I was for a moment. My mind instantly thought it was Mike who nudged me. Abbey tries to calm herself, sucking in deep breaths through her mouth, wiping the happy tears from her eyes. She has no idea how her attempt to joke around really affects me.
“Are you done?” I’m not impressed, and I work hard to tamp down how upset I really am.
She nods, “Yep.”
I start walking in the direction of school, and Abbey falls in beside me.
“Did you have a good night with Daniel last night?” I ask, making the usual small talk.
“Sure did. His family is so nice, Lex. I was so nervous at first, but they all treated me like I was part of the family and made me feel so special.” Abbey is visibly swooning.
“So
he’s not just a nice guy, but also has a nice family? It sounds like you’ve won the Jackpot Abs.”
She does a little jump, “I know, right!”
I laugh. It’s nice to see her so happy. She deserves happiness, and Daniel seems to be perfect for her.
“I’m going away with them on the weekend,” Abbey reveals, grabbing my hand and squeezing it.
“Really? Where to?”
“To their beach house at Phillip Island.” Abbey beams.
Jealousy prickles at me again, and I shove it down, trying to keep it hidden. I’m not jealous because I like Daniel. I’m jealous because of their relationship and where it’s heading. Not to mention that Daniel is winning more of Abbey’s time these days than me, and quite frankly, I miss her.
“Your parents cool with that?” I try to sound happy, but I’m not sure if it’s convincing.
Abbey nods, “Yep. Rose, Daniel’s mum, called my mum last night and talked to her about it. They hit it off, and by the end of the phone call, my mum said yes to me going away with them. They have even set up a morning tea date to catch up later in the week.”
Again, jealousy pricks at me. Why can’t my parents be more normal like that? On the outside, we look like a happy family. But behind closed doors, we are anything but.
“That's awesome, Abs.” I try to sound genuine.
“Yep,” Abbey agrees, “Oh, I have something to tell you.”
Curious, I glance Abbey’s way and wait for her to continue.
“So, Nathan was texting me last night.”
“What!” I all but shout.
Abbey smiles, “He was asking about you.”
Nathan is my on-again-off-again boyfriend that I’ve had since year 7. At the moment, he is off again. Very off again. It’s out of character for him to be texting Abbey. Maybe he’s trying a different angle to get my attention back. At this point, I’m not sure what I ever saw in him. We are such opposites, and I know it will never work. It will never be more than a fling. He goes to Fox Pines High, and I go to Fox Pines Catholic College. His dad is in jail, and I have no idea what his mum does. My dad works in a large finance firm in Melbourne, and my mum, well, she's a junky that doesn’t have a job. I mostly get good grades and have a large group of respectable friends, while Nathan is lucky to even turn up to school, has fewer friends, and those he calls friends are lawbreakers.
When we were younger, the bad boy thing was appealing, but I’m not so into it these days. Nathan has never been interested with me. Our conversations have only ever been small talk and typically happen when he’s drunk or high. That seems to be the only time I get a half-decent conversation out of him. It’s just never been real. I couldn’t tell you a real truth about him, and he sure as shit couldn’t reveal one about me. Yet I always go back. Not this time, though.
“What about?” I attempt to sound like I don’t care.
“Well, he wanted me to ask you to come to a party at his mates place tomorrow night.”
I frown, “On a Tuesday night? Who even has a party on a Tuesday night?” I ask, needing confirmation.
Abbey nods and shrugs at the same time.
“And why couldn’t he ask me himself?”
“He’s scared you won’t respond to him, I guess, after your last breakup,” Abbey says.
I sigh, unsure of how to take this information.
“What did you say to him?” I ask, ignoring the huge grin spreading across Abbey’s face.
“Well, I told him that if he wants you to go to a party, he needs to grow a pair of big hairy man balls, and pick up the phone and call you himself. Not text, but call.” She looks happy with herself.
“Oh, you did, did you?” I grin, and she nods enthusiastically.
“He’s going to call you tonight.” She wags her eyebrows.
I roll my eyes. As if Nathan is going to call me tonight, or ever. He prefers texting or avoidance. The idea of talking to him irks me, so I steer the conversation to our regular small talk for the rest of the walk to school.
When we reach school, Daniel is waiting for Abbey at the front gate, and the moment they spot each other, it’s like a magnet draws them together. I silently curse myself at my growing jealousy. Abbey is entitled to this happiness. I just wish I could have that sort of happiness too.
Approaching our group of friends who are huddling in front of the school hall, I pick up on the buzz of excitement stirring the girls. Tasha doesn’t even try to be quiet as she speaks about the new boy starting today. Apparently, this new boy who has all the girls frothing at the mouth is Marcus’s cousin. The same cousin that Marcus spoke about in his messages last night. All the girls in the crowd are fanning their faces and acting pathetic. I feel like slapping them. God, have I ever been like that?
“Good lord Lex, will you take a look at that fine specimen?” Abbey whisper shouts.
“You know I can hear you, right?” Daniel reminds her, not impressed at Abbey’s apparent physical attraction to the new boy.
“Oh Daniel,” Abbey forgets all about me and turns in his arms to kiss him, “You know I only have eyes for you.”
Rolling my eyes, I step through our group of friends needing to get away from all the lovey-dovey stuff.
“Oh, hey Lexi,” Marcus all but jumps in front of me looking eager.
I stop just in time to avoid crashing into his tall frame and huff, raising my brows.
“I just wanted to introduce you to my cousin.” Marcus must pick up on my mood, and he speaks warily.
Turning my head, I take in his cousin, who has all the girls practically dropping their knickers. He’s tall, but so is almost everyone compared to my 5’5” height. I can tell he’s related to Marcus as they have a similar strong jawline and the same dark hair. However, this guy looks a little older with the dusting of facial hair shading his jaw and upper lip.
Then he smiles. Oh man, now I know why the other girls are fanning themselves. He has one of those melting smiles. One that lights up his whole face, framing his straight white teeth and drawing attention to those piercing blue eyes that somehow darken when they look at me.
“Hey,” he says, and I stand stuck on the spot not able to move.
Heat rises through me, and my body deceives me by showing the flush on my face. I can tell by the way my cheeks heat like they are on fire, and how his smile gets wider as if he’s pleased. I internally do an eye roll at how pathetic I am right now.
“Hey,” I reply and then dash around Marcus to escape, never catching his cousin’s name.
CHAPTER FOUR
Typically, our school day starts with homeroom; however, today, it’s cancelled for a whole school assembly. Like sheep, the teachers herd us into the school hall, which isn’t even big enough to hold the capacity of students trying to find seats.
Surely this is a fire hazard?
Unscheduled assemblies are rarely the result of something good at Fox Pines Catholic College. It usually means there is an issue of some kind or something bad has happened. The last unscheduled assembly we were called to was about five weeks ago when the Principal broke the news about the suicide of Carla Wilson. That was a tough day. Even though I didn’t know her that well, the heartbreaking truth still affected me. There have been times over the last few months that I have felt so alone that I almost wished my life would end. It’s a cold desolate place to be. A place I fight hard to avoid going on a daily basis. Carla’s suicide was a shock to everyone. No one knew how much pain she carried. On the outside, she appeared so happy, just like me.
Last year, the Principal called an unscheduled assembly to advise us that the teachers were disgusted with some of the student’s behaviour and their treatment of the college veggie patch. So really, who knows what this assembly will be about? Hopefully, nothing too brutal.
I take a seat next to Abbey and Daniel, feeling very much like the third wheel. My mood is plummeting fast. I’m struggling with the need to run out of this claustrophobic hall, feeling like a trapped
sardine.
Principal Ryland stands on the stage at the front of the hall, looking like his usual ruffled self, and notifies us that the school has been valdalised over the weekend. He advises us that the Arts block and the school canteen are strictly out-of-bounds until further notice. For the time being, the school canteen will operate out of the cooking rooms.
The more the principal talks, the more my heart sinks with an unsettled feeling taking root in my chest. My mind flits back to yesterday morning, and Travis’s words come back to me, “Right after you threw a chair through the glass doors.”
No! The two situations can’t be related. As if I would be involved in something like that. I have no memory of Saturday night, and the little I do know tells me I had already done things I wouldn’t normally do. Shit!
The cheers of a group of immature boys ignite a ripple effect across the sea of students. While they think the vandalism is funny, the thought of it only makes me feel sick. I have to stay calm. I shouldn’t jump to the conclusion that I was involved, but the more I think about it, the more my gut is screaming at me. Holy shit. I think I did this!
I can’t let anyone see my truth! Why do I feel like everyone is looking at me? I suck in slow, deep breaths trying to push down my paranoia and work hard to keep my face looking neutral, so I don’t appear as guilty as sin.
Abbey’s attention is too wrapped up in something Daniel is whispering to her, so she doesn’t notice my ridged body. Someone does, though. I can feel it. I feel eyes on me, and I’m almost certain that it’s not just my imagination. Pretending to look around the hall casually, my eyes are automatically drawn to the wall on the far side, lined with students who couldn’t find a seat.
As if my subconscious is seeking him out, my eyes lock with the dark gaze of the new boy. My face heats, having caught him looking at me. He doesn’t look away or even seem to care that I’ve sprung him. He’s studying me curiously, and it makes me squirm. His face is unreadable, so I can’t tell what motivates him to continue staring, but dread fills me, worried that he can tell I’m the guilty bitch who trashed the school.
Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1) Page 4