A Secret Wish

by Barbara Freethy

  “You didn’t just grow up, you grew cold.”

  How could a woman she hadn’t seen in more than a decade still know her better than anyone else?

  Nora stood up. “I wish I could stay and talk to you. Lord knows I have a lot I’d like to say, questions to ask. I want to know about my grandbabies. I want to know about you, but I have to go to work, Carly.”

  “It’s almost ten o’clock. The diner isn’t open this late.”

  “I’m also helping your Aunt Eileen with her cleaning service. She does the law building on Evans Street at night.”

  “You’re working two jobs? But I send you money.” It was the one thing she did to allay some of the guilt she felt over their broken relationship.

  “And I have it all in a bank account with your children’s names on it. They’ll get it back when I die.”

  “What are you talking about? That money is for you. My kids have what they need.”

  “And I don’t need your money. I never wanted your charity, Carly. I wanted you in my life. You’re my daughter.”

  “I wanted you in my life, too, but the last time I tried, you were drunk. You made an ass of yourself, and Blake told me he didn’t want you back.”

  “It wasn’t my finest moment,” Nora conceded. “I admit that. You might not believe it, but I drank so much that night because I was nervous. It was the first time you’d invited me to your fancy house with your rich friends, and I didn’t think I was going to fit in. I wasn’t sure how to act, but I went too far.”

  “All you had to do was be sober. That wasn’t a lot to ask.”

  Her mother shook her head, bitterness in her eyes. “That’s not all you wanted me to be, Carly. You wanted me to be the mother you wished you had, the one you could be proud of, and I was never going to be that, sober or otherwise. You think I don’t know why you were so eager to grow up and get out from under me?”

  Carole felt another twinge of guilt. “I just wanted a better life.”

  “Well, you got what you wanted.” Nora grabbed her car keys and bag and headed toward the door.

  She followed her mother into the hall, waiting as she locked the doors, wishing she knew what to say, because her mother was about to take off, and she felt more unsettled now than she had been before she arrived. In fact, she didn’t feel forty anymore; she felt about fifteen. And that was a really weird feeling. She was still searching for words when they went down the stairs and out to the street.

  Her mother paused, giving the limo a long glance. “That’s nice.”

  “Blake rented it for my birthday. Let me give you a ride to work.”

  “I’ve got my car.”

  “Mom, wait,” she said impulsively as her mother turned to leave.

  “What?”

  “I want to talk to you some more. We need to continue this conversation.”

  Surprise flashed in her mom’s eyes. “Really?”

  “Yes. I didn’t realize how much unfinished business I had until I got here. What time do you get off?”

  “Around one.”

  That was almost three hours away. The smart thing to do would be to go home and come back in the morning, but she had the strange sense that whatever needed to be said needed to be said tonight. “I’ll drop you off at work, and then pick you up at one,” she said impulsively.

  Nora gave her a doubtful look. “What are you going to do in the meantime?”

  “I don’t know. I’ll figure something out.”

  “What about your husband?”

  “He probably hasn’t even noticed I’m gone,” she lied.

  “I doubt that.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I could use some time away from Blake. And the kids are both sleeping at friend’s houses. Blake and I were going to stay at the Remington Hotel. He rented a suite for my birthday.”

  “Then that’s where you should be.”

  “I can’t be with him tonight.”

  “He won’t like it.”

  “I’m not afraid of him.”

  “But you’ve let him run your life.”

  She couldn’t deny that there was some truth in her mother’s words. “Maybe, but that was my choice. Now, it's my choice to spend some time with you. So how about that ride?”

  “Okay,” her mother said finally.

  She opened the door. “After you.”

  Chapter Five

  A few minutes later Carole dropped her mother off at the law offices. As she debated her options, her gaze settled on the familiar neon sign for Murphy’s Tavern. She had some time to kill. If she was going to take a trip down memory lane, she might as well see all the old sights.

  “I’m going to get a drink,” she told the driver. “I’ll give you a call when I’m ready to leave.” She hurried down the street, wishing again she had a coat, but in many ways the cold air was invigorating. She felt more alive than she had in a long time.

  Murphy’s Bar had been a landmark on the hill for at least fifty years. It was a working-class neighborhood bar with beer, burgers, sports and good friends. She’d had her first illegal drink at Murphy’s at seventeen, but while her fake ID had worked on the part-time bartender, the owner, Donald Murphy, had thrown her out about five minutes later.

  She hadn’t really been surprised. Donald Murphy knew all the kids in town. He had six children of his own, and he was a familiar figure on the soccer and baseball fields where he coached or umpired games. He’d been a mentor and father figure for her and a lot of her friends.

  As she walked inside the bar, she found herself hoping he’d be there. She could use a dose of his Irish charm, his practical, down-to-earth, no-nonsense wisdom. But as she entered Murphy’s, the man behind the bar had jet-black hair and a very familiar set of shoulders. As her gaze met his amazing light blue eyes, her entire world spun around.

  Recognition flashed in his gaze, a mix of surprise, anger, welcome and wariness. “Carly?”

  His deep voice took her back in time. He’d said her name many, many times in her childhood, adolescence, and young-adult years – sometimes with anger, sometimes with love, sometimes with passion…

  She struggled to breathe, to find her voice, to say something. But what?

  Alex had been so many things to her – the annoying boy across the hall who had ruined her birthday cake, the attractive teen with whom she’d shared her first real kiss, the guy who’d helped her move her meager belongings into her dorm room, and finally, the man who’d asked her to marry him.

  Her legs felt weak, and she slid onto the nearby bar stool with relief. She hadn’t seen Alex since she’d turned down his proposal eighteen years ago. She’d been twenty-two and had her sights set on an up-and-coming young lawyer in the law firm where she worked in downtown San Francisco. She hadn’t known what would happen then with Blake, but she’d been fairly sure that if she said yes to Alex, she would never get off the hill.

  Alex moved down the bar. He’d grown up, filled out, his hair graying at the temples, his shoulders broader than she remembered, his jaw stubborn, his lips still sexy. She blew out a breath. It was amazing that she could have such a strong reaction to a man she hadn’t seen in almost two decades, but Alex had always had a way with the women. It was those Black Irish looks. They were a killer. Her gaze moved to his hand. He didn’t wear a ring, but that didn’t necessarily mean that he wasn’t married.

  “What can I get you?” he asked, his tone even, his gaze guarded.

  He was talking to her like any other customer, which was just – wrong.

  Carly?” he asked again, an edge to his voice now. “I don’t have all day.”

  She drew in a breath. “Sorry. I’ll have a glass of beer. Whatever you have on tap.”

  “Beer – really?” he asked cynically. “Haven’t you moved on to more sophisticated drinks?”

  “Beer is fine,” she said, meeting the challenge in his gaze. “Apparently, the years between had not improved his opinion of her.

  He poured a beer and
set it down in front of her. Then he moved down the counter to help another customer.

  She was grateful for the momentary reprieve. She sipped her beer and glanced around the room. There was a decent crowd. Most of the tables were full, and there was a crowd gathered around the pool table in the back. It was a mix of young and old, all casually dressed. She looked very out of place in her evening gown, but then, she probably would have felt out of place in her designer jeans, too. She’d outgrown this bar a long time ago.

  A young woman moved behind the bar, wearing black pants and a white top. “Sorry that took so long,” she told Alex.

  “No problem,” he said.

  As the woman started to attend to the customers at the bar, Alex walked back to her.

  “Nice dress, Carly.”

  “I’d say thank you if your tone wasn’t so sarcastic,” she replied.

  He met her gaze. “What did you expect?”

  “Nothing. I didn’t even know you would be here.”

  Disbelief shadowed his eyes. “Then what are you doing here?”

  “Just getting a drink.”

  “Here? Out of all the bars in this city, you decided to have a drink here?”

  “It was an impulsive decision.” She paused. “How can you still be mad at me?”

  “I’m not angry. I haven’t thought of you in years,” he said. “And I’m sure the same is true for you. Once you left, you never looked back, did you?”

  She met the challenge in his gaze. “I tried not to.”

  “There you go.” He leaned against the counter behind him and crossed his arms. “So what are you doing here?”

  “I wanted to see my mom,” she said, not sure that was really the reason, but it was the only one she could voice.

  “I didn’t think you two spoke any more.”

  “We haven’t in a long time. We had a big blowout fight a while back.”

  He nodded. “She told me.”

  “You talk to my mom?” It was a stupid question. Of course he did. He worked at Murphy’s. “I should have realized. This is a bar after all.”

  “Not here,” he said quickly. “Nora doesn’t drink any more. I usually catch up with her at the diner.”

  “She gave up drinking?” she asked doubtfully.

  “Right after that fight the two of you had.” He gave her a hard look. “She felt really bad about ruining your birthday party.”

  “She should have felt bad. You have no idea how humiliating her behavior was.”

  “Not just for you – for her, too.” He paused, then added, “She always loved you, Carly, even when she screwed up.”

  “Which was a lot.”

  “Maybe. But it wasn’t just her mistakes that bothered you – it was who she was. She wasn’t enough for you. No one in this neighborhood was good enough for you, including me. So what the hell are you doing here?”

  She drew in a quick breath at the unexpected attack. “It’s my birthday,” she blurted out. “My fortieth birthday.”

  “I know how old you are, and what day it is, but you still haven’t answered my question.”

  “I don’t really know,” she said with a sigh. “Birthdays have always been a disaster for me, and I guess this one won’t be any different.”

  “You had some good parties when I knew you.”

  “Really? Like the one where you smashed my cake?”

  He raised an eyebrow. “Excuse me?”

  “On my eighth birthday. You shoved Peter, and he fell into the cake and set his hair on fire.”

  Alex’s lips turned up in a reluctant smile, reminding her of her best friend from childhood, the one who used to like her.

  “I do remember that,” he said. “You were so pissed and afraid you weren’t going to get your wish. You never told me if you did.” He gave her a quizzical look.

  “Does it matter?” She picked up her beer and took a sip.

  “So what happened tonight? Why aren’t you with your husband and your kids celebrating your birthday?”

  “I was with them for a while.”

  “And?”

  “My kids left. They had other things to do.”

  “More important than their mother’s birthday?”

  She didn’t like his question. More important, she didn’t like the perceptive gleam in his eyes. Alex had always been able to read her a little too well, and she didn’t need him knowing that her life was not as perfect as she’d planned. She never should have come back here. But now she couldn’t leave. She’d promised her mom she would pick her up in a few hours. Not that she had to stay in the bar. She could drive around, even go home and change clothes, then come back. It wasn’t that far. Going home, however, might involve Blake and explanations, and she couldn’t handle any of that right now, although, Blake was probably still at the party entertaining his friends.

  “What’s going on with you?” Alex asked, tilting his head thoughtfully.

  “I guess this birthday hit me harder than I thought it would.”

  “Forty is scary. Thank God I’m not there yet."

  “You’re a month behind me.”

  “But not there yet. I’m still young.”

  “Thanks,” she said dryly.

  “You know what I always admired about you, Carly?”

  “I didn’t think there was much you admired about me.”

  “You were always sure of what you wanted. You had a to-do list, a plan for the future. And you went after your goals with relentless determination.”

  “You hated that about me,” she reminded him.

  He tipped his head. “Only because your plans were taking you away from me, but I still admired your fire, your drive. Now there’s doubt in your eyes, as if you’re not sure what you’re going to do five minutes from now, much less five years.”

  “I’m not sure.” She took another long draught of beer and then said candidly, “I thought I’d be happier, Alex.”

  “I’m surprised you’d admit your life isn’t perfect.”

  “I’m surprised, too, but there it is.”

  “Well, I can’t say I’m not a little happy to hear that, considering you dumped me for a better life.”

  “I wasn’t right for you, Alex. We didn’t want the same things.”

  “I just wanted you. You were the one who made things complicated.”

  “That’s probably true. I’ve never done anything the easy way.”

  “So did something happen tonight specifically?” he asked.

  She hesitated. She never talked about her private life with anyone, not even her friends, but here was a guy who’d seen her at her worst. What did she really have to lose by telling the truth? He wasn’t part of her world, and after tonight, it would no doubt be another decade before she saw him again.

  “I think my husband is having an affair.” The words flew out of her mouth. “Or he’s considering it.”

  “That sucks.”

  “Yes, it does, and you should have seen the woman he was flirting with. She was so young; it was disgusting.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “What can I do? I married him. I have children with him. Not that my kids would miss Blake. He hasn’t been around much in the last few years.” She paused, another truth itching to get out. “I’m not much better, Alex. I’ve been so busy being the perfect wife that I haven’t always been the best mother. I always put Blake first and the kids second. I wanted them to have the childhood I didn’t have, the money, the big house, the vacations and clothes. But now I feel like we’re strangers. My kids are teenagers, and they left my birthday party before I cut the cake. But how can I blame them for taking off when I did the same thing to them so many times? When I blew out the candles tonight, I looked around the room and realized there wasn’t anyone there who knew me – the real me – and it rattled me.”

  “You got rid of the real you when you got married. You were itching to ditch your life the first second you could. I saw the restlessness long befor
e you actually left me.”

  She sipped her beer, feeling a little overwhelmed by the intensity in his look. He was making her feel things she’d thought were long dead. She needed to change the subject. “What about you, Alex? Are you married?”

  “I’m divorced.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “But not surprised. What did you say before? Oh, I know – I wasn’t marriage material.”

  She sighed. “Do you really want to go back there, Alex? Rehash our past?”

  He shrugged. “You tell me. You’re the one who walked into my bar.”

  “Your bar?” she echoed. “What happened to Donald Murphy?”

  “He retired. He sold me the bar five years ago.”

  Staring into his proud eyes, she realized Alex had gotten what he always wanted, the opportunity to be his own boss. And she was a little surprised. Alex had had dreams but never any concrete plan for how to make his dreams happen. She’d obviously sold him a little short. “That’s great. You always loved this place.”

  “I do love it,” he said, glancing around the room with an approving eye. “It’s home – literally. I took the apartment upstairs after the divorce.”

  “No kids?”

  A shadow flashed through his eyes. “No. I wanted some, but it was never the right time, and then it was too late.” He paused. “I can’t believe you have teenagers.”

  “I got pregnant right away. Blake wanted a family, and so did I, and we didn’t see any reason to wait. He had as many plans as I did, and he still does. “He’s going to run for the state senate next year.”

  “Your mother told me your husband’s ambition is even bigger than yours.”

  “I can’t believe you and my mother talk about me.”

  “Not that often, but on occasion. Talking to me about you, about the old times, makes the distance between you hurt a little less.”

  “I never wanted to hurt her,” she said with a sigh.

  “That’s why you didn’t talk to her for ten years?”

  “I’ve sent her cards. But she screwed up big time, and Blake really didn’t want her to be around us or the kids.”

  “And it’s his call?” Alex challenged. “I thought you had a spine to go with all that ambition. Or did you give that up, too, when you got married?”