A Secret Wish

by Barbara Freethy

  He settled back in his seat and said, “I’m hungry. There’s an all night cafe that makes the most amazing chili cheese fries.”

  “The last thing I need to eat is chili cheese fries at midnight.”

  “This is the night for doing everything you wouldn’t ordinarily do. Remember your birthday resolution?”

  “I don’t think that was my resolution,” she protested. Not that it was a bad one. What she’d been doing hadn’t been working. Why not mix things up? “All right, chili cheese fries it is. Tomorrow I’ll work out.”

  A few minutes later, the cab pulled up outside a coffee shop in a part of the city called Potrero Hill.

  “I’ve never been in this neighborhood,” she said as she stepped out of the cab.

  “I used to live here,” John replied. “On one of the few blocks that escapes the fog. It was amazing to sit in the sun watching the fog cover the city like a thick blanket.”

  She looked out at the view from the hill. There was no fog tonight, just an array of city lights and twinkling stars that once again gave her the crazy feeling that tonight, anything was possible.

  “Come on,” John said, grabbing her hand. “You can stargaze later.”

  As they walked down the street toward the restaurant, Liz paused. “Hey, isn’t that the woman from the birthday party?” she asked, as a tall, thin blonde in an evening dress walked out of a bar across the street. She had a big coat on over her turquoise dress but it was definitely the same woman.

  “I think so,” John said.

  “That’s not her husband,” she commented, noting the man in the jeans and leather jacket following her out of the bar.

  “Certainly doesn’t look like the guy who toasted her.”

  “She was having a huge birthday party at a downtown hotel. I wonder how she got from there to here,” Liz mused.

  The couple walked down the street, fading into the shadows on the opposite corner.

  “It’s a mystery,” John said as he opened the door to the coffee shop. “Maybe like you, her birthday took an unexpected turn.”

  “It seems to be the night for that,” she said, following him inside.

  The coffee shop wasn’t as empty as she would have expected so late in the evening. Almost all the booths were full. They settled at a corner booth and ordered coffee and chili cheese fries, as well as a salad to make her feel better about balancing out the carbs.

  “So it’s time,” John proclaimed.

  She raised an eyebrow as a shiver ran down her spine. “For what?”

  “A little talking.”

  “Haven’t we been doing that all night?”

  “The birthday card in your purse.”

  She felt like he’d just stabbed her in the gut. “I told you, we aren’t talking about that.”

  “This is the night of doing what you don’t normally do.”

  “I’m not going that far.”

  “Who’s the card from?”

  “It’s not important,” she said fiercely, fighting the urge to answer his question. But there was something about John that made him a very hard man to say no to.

  “It has to be important. You’re carrying the card around in your bag.”

  “I just haven’t had a chance to get rid of it.” She sighed in the face of his unrelenting stare. “Do you ever let anything go?”

  “I used to, but I’ve recently learned that putting things off until tomorrow isn’t a very good idea. Sometimes tomorrow doesn’t come.”

  “You’re talking about your dad.”

  He shrugged. “It’s your call, but I can’t believe that you’re holding on to a card that means nothing to you.”

  She hesitated another second and then gave in. “It’s from my father.”

  “How long has he been in prison?”

  “Almost ten years. I was nineteen when he was arrested, twenty when he went to jail. I was in college at the time – premed. My plan was to be a doctor. But after he was arrested, my parents’ assets were frozen, and there was no money for my education. I dropped out for a while, went to work, saved my money, and eventually got into nursing school with some help from my grandmother.”

  “What did your father do?”

  “He was a con man, a white-collar investor. He ripped off a lot of people including our family and friends. He lied, cheated and hurt everyone I loved,” she said, the words rushing out now that she’d finally set them free. “I never imagined that he could be guilty, but as the truth came out it was clear that he’d been cheating people for years.”

  “I’m sorry,” John said gently.

  “It’s not your fault. It’s his.” She took a breath. “He wants me to forgive him, and maybe if it were just for the fraud, I could, but he’s the reason my mother took a bottle of sleeping pills a year later and never woke up.”

  John stiffened, his eyes filling with compassion. “Oh, my God. Liz. I had no idea. You don’t have to talk about this.”

  “You started it. Now I seem to be compelled to finish.” She hadn’t talked about any of this with anyone in a very long time. Not even Kyle had ever heard more than the bare details, and he’d never been interested enough to press for more information. But in retrospect Kyle was fairly self-absorbed and if it hadn’t had to do with him, he didn’t care that much. John, however, seemed to want to know more. And for some odd reason, she wanted to tell him. “It was on her wedding anniversary,” she continued. “My mother couldn’t stand the shame he’d brought upon them or the rumors suggesting that she’d known what he was doing, perhaps even helped him.”

  John nodded. “That must have been rough.”

  “It was horrible. Now it seems almost commonplace. In recent years, more swindlers have been revealed with crimes of even bigger proportion, but ten years ago my dad’s scam was somewhat legendary. For weeks reporters camped outside our house. They’d follow my mother when she went to the supermarket. Sometimes they’d follow me, and I knew nothing. He was just my dad. I had no idea he was a con man.” She paused. “He’s sorry now, and he wants a second chance, but my mother didn’t get one. Why should he?”

  He gave her a thoughtful look. “Are you angry with your mother, too?”

  She wished she could say no, but there was an anger inside her that had never gone away. “A little. I don’t understand why she did it.”

  “She wanted to escape the pain.”

  “What about my pain? I needed her to fight, not to give up. Suicide is cowardly.”

  “Maybe she wasn’t as strong as you are.”

  “Well, I’m stronger now because I had to keep going. I couldn’t check out the way she did.” She blew out a breath. “I can’t believe I just said all that out loud. It seems wrong to be mad at her. She was obviously hurting. I should have more compassion. But I don't understand why she couldn't fight for me, if not for herself. I needed her. Some days I didn't know how I was going to get up in the morning. But she obviously wasn't thinking about me when she took those pills."

  "I'm sorry, Liz. You've had a rough time."

  "Because of their choices," she said. "Not because of fate or some disease. That's what makes it so hard. None of it had to happen, the crime, the suicide. But it did." She paused, feeling a little lighter for having gotten the words out. "I never told anyone what I just told you."

  "Not even Kyle?"

  "No. He wasn't that interested. Or maybe he sensed a story that he didn't want to hear."

  "He sounds like a loser."

  "Not really, but he wasn't the right guy. So, are you sorry you asked about my birthday card?"

  "Actually, I'm not."

  "I know I feel a little too sorry for myself. Other people have it just as bad or even worse. You had to watch your father suffer through a long illness. That wasn't easy."

  "No, it was very difficult. He fought as hard as he could for as long as he could. He was an amazing man. Stronger than I'll ever be. I could never live up to him.”

  “I’m surp
rised you would say that. You have a lot of confidence.”

  “Getting back to your father...”

  She sighed. “I’m done with him. I told you that.”

  “Are you sure you're done?”

  She gazed at him through narrowed eyes. “How on earth can you ask me that?”

  “Because you didn’t throw the card away. Something inside you needs that connection to your father. Maybe because he's the only parent you have left.”

  She hated to admit there was some truth in his words. “Are you a shrink?”

  “No, I’m a writer,” he said with a dry smile.

  “Seriously?” She was surprised that he’d actually revealed something about himself. “What do you write?”

  “Novels mostly, a few short stories, essays.”

  “Do you analyze your own life as much as you try to analyze others?”

  “No, other people are far more interesting. So am I wrong, Liz? Do you have unfinished business with your father?”

  She thought for a moment. “I loved my dad. Growing up, he was bigger than life. He was friendly, outgoing, charming, and handsome. He taught me how to ride a bike and hit a softball. He was good to me.”

  “There you go. You’ve spent a lot of time hating him, but you can’t shake the bond between you no matter how much you want to.”

  “He needs to pay for what he did.”

  “He does,” John agreed. “But you don’t need to pay with him, and isn’t that what you’ve been doing, Liz?”

  “How do I stop?”

  He met her gaze. “Asking that question is the first step.”

  “And the second?”

  “Chili cheese fries,” he said with a grin as the waitress brought over their order. “We’ll go from there.”

  “I should go home from here.”

  “The night is still young.”

  “Not really. It’s almost midnight. My birthday is close to being officially over.”

  He reached across the table and put his hand over hers as she reached for a fry. “I’m not ready to say good-bye.”

  There was something very serious in his expression now. Her hand tingled under his warm touch.

  “I’m not, either,” she murmured.

  Chapter Seven

  “Where are you taking me?” Carole asked, wondering why she’d agree to go anywhere with Alex. But here she was, sitting in his old jeep, in a designer cocktail dress. Her two worlds were colliding, and she was terribly afraid that she’d made a huge mistake. She’d stayed focused on her goals for almost two decades. Now wasn’t the time to change, was it?

  Alex turned down a dark alley that was very familiar.

  “Really?” she asked. “You’re taking me to Paradise Point?” It was a spot where teenagers went to drink and make out. And she’d done both there with Alex. He’d been such a good kisser, too. The random thought made her sit up a little straighter.

  Alex didn’t answer. Instead, he turned onto a dirt road and stopped the car at the edge of a bluff.

  “I’m not getting out,” she protested, as he opened his door. “I’m cold,” she added when he walked around the car to open her door. “And this was a parking spot, remember?”

  “Where I want to take you requires a walk. You’ll survive.”

  “Says the man who’s never had to walk in heels this high.”

  A small smile curved his lips. “They make your legs look damn good.”

  “Even at forty?”

  “Better than ever.” He helped her out of the car.

  She clung to his hand as she stepped onto the rocky ground. “Can you believe we’re this old, Alex?”

  “I don’t feel old. Do you?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Now?”

  “Actually, no. Right now I feel about sixteen. Not that I want to go back there. I made a lot of mistakes at that age.”

  He smiled. “I’m not going to ask you to put a name on any of those mistakes.”

  “Good call. So where are we going?”

  “You’ll figure it out soon enough.” He grabbed the edges of the coat he’d given her and buttoned it up. “Warm enough?”

  His oversized coat was more than warm enough. In fact, she felt as if his arms were around her. And that thought brought another wave of heat. “I’m okay,” she muttered, letting go of his hand. “I’ll give you five minutes. That’s all the time I have for the past.”

  “You always liked to set deadlines. Sometimes life doesn’t go according to your timetable.”

  “Life – or you?” she asked dryly.

  He tipped his head. “Both.”

  They walked away from the parking area down the path to the old run-down park that had once been a popular spot for the local kids. In fact, it was the park where she’d had her eighth birthday, the one where Alex had ruined her cake.

  The seesaws were gone and most of the picnic tables were battered and falling apart. There were still two swings hanging from the metal rod and an old metal merry-go-round, but other than that it was just a very sad old place.

  “It’s even worse than I remembered,” she muttered.

  “They built a new park about two blocks from here, so none of the kids come here anymore. The view is still good, though.”

  She followed his gaze. The lights of the city spread out before them, reminding her of all the times she’d sat on top of one of the picnic tables, dreaming of one day being a part of those lights. “It is good,” she said, feeling as if her real life were a million miles away.

  “One of those lights belongs to you now.”

  “Yes. I have a beautiful house in the Marina. You can see the Golden Gate Bridge from the large bay window in my bedroom.”

  “Your mom said it was nice.”

  She walked over to the merry-go-round and put her hand on the cold metal. “I used to love this. I’d spin and spin and spin until I was so dizzy I couldn’t think straight.”

  “I remember. Want to give it a try?”

  She shook her head. “I’m already feeling off balance.” She walked toward the swings and took a seat. She put her hands in the chain links and gave a little kick.

  Alex came up behind her and gave her a push. “You always liked to swing high and fast, as if you could somehow catapult yourself into another dimension.”

  She smiled. He wasn’t far off. She remembered wanting to watch her toes touch the sky. “Not tonight,” she said, as he pushed her a little harder.

  “You’re more cautious now, aren’t you?”

  “I grew up.”

  “And lost your guts along the way?”

  “I wouldn’t say that – exactly.” Although, there was a little truth to his words. “I don’t want to lose what I have.”

  “Why would you?”

  She didn’t answer right away, then said, “My husband might leave me.”

  “Maybe you should leave him,” Alex suggested.

  “I couldn’t do that. I have children. They need their father.”

  “Do they have their father?”

  She defended him automatically. “Blake's work is important. He could be a good leader.”

  “Is his work more important than his children? Than you?”

  “I don’t want to talk about him with you.” She stopped the swing with her foot and jumped off, stumbling a little in her high heels.

  Alex moved to her side. “Are you all right?”

  “This was a mistake.”

  “Why?”

  His warm breath blew against her cheek as he moved in closer. Her body tingled. This was Alex, the man she’d loved and adored for half her life. But that half of her life was over, she told herself. “I didn’t come back here to find you, Alex,” she said bluntly. “I came to find my mother.”

  “No, you didn’t,” he said with certainty in his gaze. “This trip wasn’t about your mom or me. It was about you. You came back to find yourself.”

  His words struck home. “Do you think I�
�m lost?” she whispered.

  “Don’t you?”

  “It’s just that it’s my birthday, and I’m forty, and I feel…” She couldn’t find the right adjective.

  “Lost,” he finished.

  She gazed into his eyes. “I thought I had what I always wanted, Alex.”

  “Even though you didn’t have me?”

  “I loved you, but that was a lifetime ago. We were on different paths. We wanted different things. We were kids.”

  “Just because we were young doesn’t mean we didn’t have real love, Carly.”

  “I wish you'd gone with me, Alex. But you were so determined to stay here.”

  “I couldn’t go. My dad was sick, and you were too impatient to wait.”

  “That wasn’t the only reason you stayed. You liked this neighborhood. This was your place, and it still is.”

  “That’s true,” he said with a nod. “I do care about this community, even more than I did back then. And maybe I used my father’s illness as a reason to stay behind because deep down I knew we weren’t going to end up together. I was going to be in your shadow. You were looking for a brighter star. You wanted more than I could give you.”

  “You hate me, don’t you?”

  “I’ve tried, Carly,” he said finally. “You don’t know how hard.”

  “My name is Carole. Everyone calls me that now.”

  “Everyone but me. You’ll always be Carly to me – stubborn, exasperating, ambitious Carly.”

  “And you’ll always be stubborn, exasperating, unambitious Alex. We’re right back where we started.”

  He smiled. “In that case…”

  His mouth covered hers in a hot, demanding kiss that rocked her back on her heels, stole her breath, and made the twenty years apart fade away. She was that young woman again – in love and lust, and her whole world was Alex. His arms wrapped around her waist and she pressed against his hard, solid chest, knowing every second that she should push him away but unable to find the strength.

  It was Alex who finally broke away, the heat from their breath sending wisps of fog in the air between them. His eyes glittered in the moonlight, his jaw tightening as he took a step back.

  “Damn,” he said. “You can still kiss like no one else.”