Controlling Darkness (The Control Series Book 4)

by Anna Edwards

  Scars littered her legs. This is why she could never have sex with Matthew. She was broken. She took the blade and brought it down on the biggest scar, breaking it open again. The pain surged through her veins, and she relaxed her head back against the wall as the blood dripped onto the floor. The rush of anxiety flowed away, and she went to her safe place and became the girl who had everything.

  This time, the girl of her dreams had a man: Matthew. And she was allowing him to worship her body.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Matthew

  Matthew tightly gripped the fence that surrounded the hotel. He tried to calm himself, but it was no use. He pulled his arm back, balled his fist and sent it smacking through the wooden panel, causing it to shatter and splinter all over the floor. He was a goddamn fool.

  She was fragile; he had known that from the moment he had met her. For all her bravado, underneath she was delicate. Matthew had seen her files, never more than a year with one family until she was fifteen.

  He had pushed her too far, too fast, too soon, and he needed to take a step back.

  After leaving MI5, he had retreated into himself. The thought of having a relationship and having a woman depend on upon him for safety scared him. Even though he was fond of Amy, it was his job to look after her, and he was able to keep his feelings purely business. With Sonia, however, since the moment he had first met her, he wanted to look after her.

  Matthew pushed off the fence and headed back to the hotel. He stood outside the door to their room for a few moments contemplating what he would find inside. He really didn't want to have to break the door down. As he placed his hand on the handle, it was shaking, and he took a deep breath and opened the door. Sonia was sitting on the bed, she was brushing her hair and pulling it back into a ponytail.

  "I hope you like croissant and Danish."

  "Sounds fantastic. I made our coffee."

  "I hope mine is strong, it is going to be a long drive back."

  "Two spoonfuls, just how you like it."

  "Thank you."

  Silence descended, and Sonia turned away. She fiddled nervously with her brush before placing it back into her bag. He watched her every movement. He had to say something, to show her everything was okay, but he couldn’t. She turned and looked at him, and the edges of her eyes were red-rimmed from crying. "Please, I know you probably don't want to, but we need to talk about what happened."

  Sonia lowered her head, "I’ll see if I can get a flight back to England tomorrow."

  "What?" He took a step closer to her, and she scrambled back. He held his hands up and went over to the desk and sat down on the chair. "Sonia, I am going to sit here, and I am not going to move, but you’re going to talk to me. Why do you think that you would need to fly back to England?"

  "Miss Jones can’t have a bodyguard who suffers from panic attacks."

  She was not telling him everything again. By rights, yes, if James knew of her having panic attacks, then he wouldn’t want her to protect Amy.

  "When was the last time you had an attack?"

  "Sorry?" Clearly, Sonia hadn't expected that question.

  "When was the last time that you had an attack?"

  "Six months. “Sonia got to her feet, and she seemed to be walking a little gingerly. Maybe she had taken a bit of frustration out on the bath? He leant forward in his chair, his large hands resting on his open thighs. He kept his face blank, any emotion hidden away, but he gave off the aura that nobody was leaving the room till she spoke to him and he was satisfied with her answers. Sometimes he was glad for the Dom training that he and James had undertaken. Shame it didn't work though till he found Amy.

  "Sonia, I am waiting for an answer."

  "I can't remember."

  "Try harder!" Even his voice was commanding.

  "Matthew, please!"

  "Was it because the person you were protecting was hurt?"

  "No, I have never failed in my duty."

  "Okay, was it because you were hurt?"

  "No."

  "What was it then!"

  "I received a letter from my father." Sonia slapped her hands over her mouth as the words left it.

  "You had an anxiety attack because your father sent you a letter? What was in it?"

  "He sent me a visiting order."

  "Did you visit him?"

  "No. I tore the thing up and threw it in the bin. After I calmed down, I went to work."

  "Did anything bad happen at work that day?"

  "No, I seem to remember it being utterly boring. I followed my detail around the shops and stood beside her while she lunched in the Ivy."

  "So nothing bad happened, and your panic attack was not related to the job?"

  "No." Sonia looked down, her hands were twisted together in front of her.

  "Then I will not be telling Mr North of what occurred here this morning."

  "You would lose your job if Mr North were to find out."

  "Mr North trusts my judgement, and Miss Jones will not be in harm's way. Your problems don’t relate to the job."

  "Matthew, please. I can't do this."

  "No. Sit down Sonia, and I will have my say. You’ve had yours." She instantly sat on the edge of the bed, her eyes wide.

  "When I was in MI5, I saw a colleague killed right before my eyes. She didn't have half the strength that you do, and it led to her downfall. She shouldn't have been in the position that she was, and that was my fault. That is why I don't talk about my time there: I am ashamed of it. And it is why I haven't had a relationship since then. I am not a saint, I got my kicks from women.

  But you’re different. I want a relationship with you. I want to protect you. I want to show you that you’re a wonderful woman and worthy of so much more than you’ve been given in life. It won't be easy, we both have pasts which are dominating our present, but I think that together we can change our futures." Matthew took a deep breath as he finished his speech. He had never laid his heart on the table like that.

  "Matthew." Tears filled her eyes and Matthew longed to be able to hold her in his arms and wipe them away, but he couldn’t move. He needed her to take the first step. As if on cue, she got off the bed and dropped to her knees before him.

  "There has only ever been one person that told me she loved me and that I was beautiful. My mother, it was her dying words to me. I am scared to hear you say them to me. I want to believe them. You’re the first person to get me to admit what happened and make me feel good about myself. Since I started this job, I have never felt as happy as I do now. I feel like I belong. I have never had that before, and it is all happening so quickly for me. I feel like I am losing control and it puts me back there in that day. Everything going on around me, chaos, people everywhere. Matthew, what I am trying to say is I am scared to admit that...that I think I want a proper relationship with you as well.”

  Matthew let out the breath that he had been holding. He reached forward and dared to take her hands and pull them onto his lap. "I need to prove to you that I want you. That I am not going to reject you when you’re a little bit of a brat or do something I don't like. We are going to take this slowly. Neither of us is ready for anything physical yet but, that doesn't mean that I will not want to put my arm around you and cuddle you if I have an opportunity. It also doesn't mean that I will not compliment you if you look lovely. A compliment that you’ll take. And it certainly doesn't mean that I won't kiss you if I get the chance, in fact, there will be lots of that, but we will not go any further till we have revisited this discussion and we are both completely comfortable with it. Do you understand?"

  "Do I get a say in this?" Matthew was sure he could hear a little chuckle in her voice. It lit up his heart.

  "Right now, no, you don't." Matthew leant forward, he needed to kiss her, he needed to taste the sweetness of her lips again. They were like the best sugary treat he had ever had. "If you don't want to do something then you tell me 'red', yes?"

  "Okay. Should I inform you
that I am green, bordering on amber, at the moment?" This time, it was Matthew's turn to look shocked.

  "You know what I want?"

  "I have known since the moment I met you, Matthew."

  He smiled, leant in, and pressed his lips to hers. She met them and hummed a moan of satisfaction into his mouth, and he could feel himself getting hard again. His poor cock had been rigid for most of the last twenty-four hours and without any chance of even being able to touch himself until he was safely tucked away in his room in the Maldives, it would just have to go on wanting what it couldn’t have.

  "Come on." Matthew stood and pulled Sonia in to nuzzle into his chest. "We need to get back to Bangalore."

  CHAPTER NINE

  Sonia

  Sonia looked across the bed to the man sleeping with her. So much for taking things slowly. The night they arrived in the Maldives, Sonia decided she didn't want to be alone and tiptoed from her private cabin to Matthew's. She had expected him to be asleep, but he was sitting outside reading a book on his Kindle. He had been shocked to see her at first, but he put the Kindle down, pulled her into his arms, and then lead her to the bedroom where he tucked her in his bed and climbed in beside her. He kissed the top of her head, wrapped an arm around her, and within minutes, they were both asleep.

  Sonia did the same every night after that.

  It was hot, but she was still wearing her body-covering pyjamas. There was no way she could let Matthew know about what she had done in the bathroom when he had gone to get breakfast. Once it was healed, she would tell Matthew, and she would be able to say she did it in the past when she was in the foster homes. He would never need to know that in times of high stress it was the only way she could calm herself.

  She didn't feel like she would need to do it again, she was relaxed and happy and enjoying herself. She was even starting to believe Matthew's comments about finding her beautiful and sexy. The fact that he seemed to get an erection every time he was near her helped. She wondered what it would feel like to have his cock in her mouth. Would he be delicious in his taste when she swallowed him? Her few forays into sex had been mostly blow jobs. She had discovered that getting a man off that way would satisfy him, and she wouldn’t need to take her clothes off. God, she was pitiful. She was a twenty-five-year-old virgin. There she had said it. She had never had sex because she was scared that any man that went down there would call her a freak because she must be for harming herself. If Matthew really did love her enough, he wouldn’t reject her. Would he? She hoped not. In the mean time, she had to be careful. Amy didn't need to cover her body, she was slender, muscular and wasn't covered in scars. She wandered around in just a skimpy bikini. Although James did still try to cover her up whenever the staff of the hotel appeared. Sonia was actually surprised Amy could sit down. She had seen James take her over his knee one time when she had refused to put her sarong on and spanked her backside. Sonia tried her hardest not to look, but she couldn’t help but wonder what it felt like. It certainly wasn't painful or degrading in Amy's eyes. She was thoroughly enjoying it. When James had whispered into Amy's ear afterwards that she was so wet and had better get in the bedroom, Sonia had looked to Matthew and his eyes were dark with lust. He wasn't watching Amy and James though; he was completely focused on her. Sonia wondered what it would feel like to have his large hands punishing her that way. The wetness between her thighs told her all she needed to know, and she scurried off to the bathroom to relieve her sudden aching urge.

  "Sonia!" Amy called out to her as she got off the boat. "Oh my God that was incredible. I got in the water and looked at the fish. You so have to do it!"

  "I am sorry to have missed it. I drew the short straw." Matthew strode off the boat behind James. He winked at her.

  Amy pouted at James. “Sonia should have been able to come with us."

  "Next time. I will leave Matthew behind. He is far too moody anyway." James kissed Amy's nose as Matthew just grunted and hauled all the bags off the boat.

  Sonia laughed as she took a bag from Matthew, and he growled at her in reply. This time, it was Mr North's turn to laugh.

  "Oh Amy, I think Matthew may have to punish Sonia the way I do you!" James patted her on the bottom.

  "Fuck off, Boss!"

  "Tetchy, Matthew."

  "Mr North, I can assure you that Mr Carter has no right to punish me like that."

  Matthew stood behind her, his erection pushing against her, and suddenly she felt a lot hotter. She coughed, and James burst into a fit of laughter.

  "Yes, Sonia. I can see that if Matthew took you over his knee for your sarcasm, the first thing on your mind would be requesting an employee tribunal. Congratulations, Matthew. I am happy for you."

  Sonia turned and looked up at Matthew. She wasn't ready to have people thinking that they were having sex. A relationship. Oh God. That was serious. She could feel her heart starting to beat faster, and she was getting hotter and hotter. Matthew stepped away from her and turned a frown face on James.

  "We are good friends, boss. If it develops into a relationship, then I will let you know. Please don't tease either of us about it. It doesn’t impact on the job that we do for you."

  "Of course. Please accept my apologies."

  "Of course," Matthew answered him, Sonia couldn’t look up from the floor, she was beginning to feel sick.

  "Sonia?" James' voice cut through everything.

  "Sir, it isn't a problem. I will help Miss Jones back to the room with her belongings. I have placed some paperwork in Mr Carter's room that was faxed over for you to sign."

  No more was said. Sonia held Amy's bag to her chest and followed her to her room while Matthew went off with James. By the time they entered the villa Amy and James' shared, Sonia was on the verge of tears. Amy walked straight over to the mini bar and pulled out a shot of brandy.

  "Here, drink this. It will help."

  "I am fine Amy." Sonia still couldn’t look up and into the eyes of the woman she now thought of as her friend.

  "I know you’re not. Sonia, I know nothing of what is happening between you and Matthew but if it is something that you don't want to happen then you must tell me and I will have James put a stop to it."

  "What?" Sonia panicked and looked straight at Amy. "No. I mean. I. We aren’t sleeping together. Well, we are, but not sexually. Why is this so hard?”

  Amy came straight up to her and wrapped her arms around her. “It doesn’t have to be. Talk to me Sonia.”

  “Matthew and I have feelings for each other, but because of issues in both our pasts we are taking things slowly. I have spent the last few nights in his bed, but nothing has happened. I like him a lot, but I am not ready for more."

  "I will talk to James and tell him to stop taunting you both."

  "No, it's okay. James and Matthew are friends. It should be normal to tease each other."

  "Not if it is going to upset you. Matthew will not want that."

  "Amy?"

  Her friend stepped away from her and took a seat on the bed. She patted for Sonia to come and sit beside her but Sonia chose to stay standing.

  "Do you think that Matthew will want more from me now? How long will he wait?" Sonia almost felt like giggling, this was such a silly conversation for a twenty-five-year-old to have.

  "He is a man, Sonia and he obviously thinks you’re sexy." Sonia shook her head and screwed her face up a little bit. "As for how long he’ll wait... I haven't known Matthew for long, but I think he’ll wait for as long as you need."

  "I think I could fall in love with him, but I am scared as to what that means."

  "Physically or emotionally?"

  "Both."

  "Emotionally you’ll deal with him. Come on, my relationship with James hasn't exactly been dull so far, but we get through it by keeping open lines of communication. Physically, well, what have you done so far?"

  "We have kissed."

  "And?"

  "We have kissed." Sonia could feel herself b
lushing. She was sure she was actually sweating under this interrogation.

  "Okay. What have you done in the past?"

  There was no way getting around this.

  "I am a virgin. I have sucked a guy off before, but that’s it."

  "Okay, you can try that with Matthew. I am sure he would like that. Most men seem to if it is done right. What about letting Matthew touch you, get you off?"

  She shook her head.

  "Why?" Amy looked at her quizzically. It was as though she was an alien.

  "I don't know. I can't explain it." It was all that came to her head at the time.

  "Okay. James is into something called BDSM. It doesn't always involve sex. I am sure Matthew knows something about it as well. You could talk to him about that? You just need to learn to relax and trust each other."

  Sonia spun on her heels. She needed some fresh air. This was all happening so fast. So much information in her head and the bloody cut on her leg kept tugging against her cheap polyester trousers causing her pain.

  "I am sorry Amy; I need to get out of here. Sorry." Sonia sped out the door, Amy calling after her. He head was thumping and swirling, she could feel the sweat now dripping off her. All of a sudden she bent over and emptied the contents of her stomach onto the sand beneath her feet. What the hell was going on? She really didn't feel well. This was more than just embarrassment.

  "Sonia." Matthew's voice called out. She looked up, and he was standing there with James, a look of concern on his face. He took a step towards her, but all she could feel was herself falling. Her head hit the ground, pain shooting through her body as she blacked out.