She gave Quinn a hug good-bye and managed to flag down Ewan between drink orders to tell him congratulations. She waved across the room to her grandmother and Phee and then she headed toward the door.
She took one final look at the clock above the bar.
Eleven p.m.
Sean was a no-show. Guess that shouldn’t have surprised her.
###
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
The digital display in Sean’s SUV read eleven fifteen as he threw the transmission into park. He grabbed the bag that held Darcy’s Christmas gift from the passenger seat.
He’d found the earrings at a jewelry store. He had gone in not knowing what he was looking for, but the moment he’d spotted these earrings, he had known they belonged in Darcy’s ears.
The lady behind the counter kept calling them teardrop earrings. Sean didn’t know about that, but the dark center stone, which was surrounded by diamonds, was a hybrid between a sapphire and an amethyst.
They matched the color of Darcy’s eyes.
He wished he would have had time to wrap them before he gave them to her. He’d tried to cram three production meetings into the afternoon because the whole company had a four-day weekend coming up with Christmas being on a Thursday. The office was officially closed until Monday. Not that that meant much to Sean since he’d probably still be working over the weekend.
He hit the pub door and was instantly greeted with a blast of warm air and the loud, joyous noise of the town celebrating. The place was packed with people, some of whom Sean hadn’t seen in ages. He moved toward the bar, looking over the crowd, trying to find Darcy.
“Hey there, son.” Sean turned to see his dad sitting at a table with some of his friends. He went over and gave his old man a hug. “Glad you made it. Your mother was starting to worry.”
Sean shook his head. When did his mother not worry? Before he could say as much, his dad added, “Did you hear the good news about Ewan and Quinn?”
Sean frowned. “No, what good news?”
“They got engaged tonight.”
He felt a smile growing on his face as he turned to the bar. Ewan was at his post filling drink orders and looked up and caught Sean’s eyes. He lifted his chin in greeting as if he hadn’t just taken one giant leap for bachelor-kind.
He murmured good-bye to his dad and pushed his way to the bar.
“You lucky bastard,” Sean yelled to Ewan. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Tell you what?” Ewan smiled. Sean saw Quinn wave from the end of the bar, where she sat talking to her aunt.
“That you’re finally making an honest woman out of Quinn.”
Ewan grinned as he scooped some ice into a glass. It wasn’t a fake grin or even a half grin. It was a genuine, honest-to-God grin that made it all the way to his eyes. Sean extended his hand over the bar. “Congratulations, brother.”
Ewan took his hand, met him halfway across the bar, and hugged Sean, clapping him on the back. “You know you’re my best man, right?”
“Fuck, yeah. I’m the best man for the job. Get it?”
Ewan rolled his eyes and went back to what he was doing. Sean meandered to the end of the bar and gave Quinn a giant hug.
“Congrats, Quinn.”
She beamed from ear to ear. “Thanks. I’m still in shock.”
He laughed. “I bet. I can’t believe he didn’t even tell me he was buying a ring!”
“He told me he wanted to but you’ve been so busy lately that he never was able to get ahold of you.”
Sean sighed. He’d been so busy lately he hadn’t seen his roommates in over a week, and he lived with them.
He couldn’t fucking wait for Michael to get back from his vacation. There was no way one person could solely run the company. If there was one person at the top, there would need to be a new hierarchy of management. He knew that now. Trying to take on the responsibility of all the projects was too much.
Case in point, they’d just made last-minute plans for a project in New York City. Apparently the developer had signed another firm for the job but something fell through. Rolland Construction agreed to a meeting to discuss picking up the pieces, and Sean had to travel to Manhattan on the twenty-ninth for meetings and a site visit. That was Monday.
But the good news was that he’d cleared as much off his plate as he could so he could spend some quality time with Darcy. He missed her like crazy.
He’d felt completely disconnected from her lately, and a little one-on-one time was just what they needed. He would still need to do some work, but he could do it remotely if she wanted to go back down to Providence for the weekend.
She’d spent the night of the company Christmas party at his place. Since she had needed him to prove to her that she wasn’t just there for sex, they had rented a movie and watched it in bed.
It had felt really nice to have her cuddled up beside him. It had felt so nice he hadn’t made it halfway through the movie without falling asleep.
His body wanted her fiercely, but he was content just being next to her. So if she wanted to spend the entire weekend cuddling in bed in her apartment, he’d be totally up for it. Especially since cuddling could so quickly turn to foreplay.
He looked around the pub again. “Have you seen Darcy?” he asked Quinn.
“You just missed her. She left about fifteen minutes ago.”
“Damn it,” he whispered. “I gotta go.”
He made his way through the throngs of people to the door when he heard his mother calling his name. She was gaining on him, so he moved faster.
“Gotta go, Mom. I’ll see you at the house,” he called to her before darting out the door.
He got in his SUV and drove the short distance to Darcy’s grandmother’s house. He’d seen her Grandma Nell and Mary McPhee at the pub, so he knew that Darcy must be home alone.
When he pulled into the drive, the house was black. He got out of his car, hopped up on the front porch, and knocked on the door. After a minute, there was still no answer, and he didn’t hear any movement coming from inside the house.
Doing what he’d done a million times in high school, he walked around to the side of the house where Darcy’s bedroom window was. He put his face to the cold glass and looked through the opening in the curtains. Her bed was empty, but Darcy’s purse sat on top of it.
Walking back around to the front, he checked inside the garage window and saw that Darcy’s car was parked inside.
Was she just sitting inside the house in the dark?
Sean glanced around and noticed a very dim light coming from the backyard. He made his way between the detached garage and the house to find Darcy sitting on the back porch swing.
“Little cold to be sitting outside, isn’t it?”
He hadn’t startled her. She watched him step onto the porch without saying anything. It was dark, but he could feel her gaze on him the entire time.
At least she was bundled up under a heavy woolen blanket. Her feet were pulled up underneath her as the swing moved ever so slightly back and forth.
“I just came from the pub,” he continued. “Quinn said you left early.”
“It was getting late so I left.”
Her voice was soft but empty. It hadn’t escaped his notice that she didn’t greet him. She hadn’t gotten up to give him a hug or a kiss. She just sat on the swing, looking at him.
“Sorry I’m late.” He saw her nod in the dark. He sat down next to her and rested his arm along the back of the swing. He sighed heavily. “What a week. I’m so ready for a weekend with you.”
She didn’t respond. She just kept looking out into the darkness. He wished he could see her face.
“Can we turn on a light or something?” he asked.
“If you turn the light on, you can’t see anything in the backyard.”
Sean looked but couldn’t see a damn thing. What the hell was there to see anyway?
“I’d rather see your face than whatever’s in the backyard.”<
br />
He heard her sigh before she reached behind the swing and flipped a switch on a surge protector. A long string of multicolored Christmas lights were hung along the porch’s overhanging roof. It wasn’t a lot of light but it was enough to see her. Her cheeks were pink from the cold, and other than her face, everything was covered up under a blanket.
She looked pulled down. Tired. Like she didn’t have the energy to smile at him. Because she certainly wasn’t smiling at him or giving him any indication that she was happy to see him at all.
In fact, she was looking at him like he’d ruined her evening.
He’d disappointed her. Again.
“I drove as quickly as I could. I had a meeting and—”
“It’s okay, Sean.”
He grimaced. Her voice sounded so resigned, so defeated. He’d rather fight with her than see the emptiness in her face. She looked out over the complete darkness of the backyard like she’d just lost her puppy.
“Darce, what’s wrong?”
“I saw your mom at the pub. She invited me to the McKenna New Year’s party. She told me to bring whatever lucky guy I was dating. Guess she didn’t realize that the lucky guy was her son.”
Goddamn it, he’d meant to tell his parents. No wonder she was pissed.
“I’m planning to tell them tomorrow when we’re all together. She’ll think of it like a Christmas present.”
He really did plan on telling them while he was home for the holidays. He wasn’t just saying that to get out of the doghouse.
“This isn’t working anymore.”
Sean’s head jerked as if she’d slapped him. “What isn’t working?”
“We aren’t working. I think we make better friends than lovers.”
Holy fucking shit. She was breaking up with him.
“What are you talking about?”
Darcy finally looked at him, and the pain in her eyes torched straight to his heart. He felt like he was swimming in it.
“I should have known this wouldn’t work the way I hoped it would,” she said. “Call me a total pessimist, but I’ve been dreading this day since we left London. I knew it would come.”
He shook his head in confusion. “But London was great.”
“Sure, it was great. It was like a dream. But since then, all these little thoughts have been chipping away at my confidence.”
“What thoughts?”
“All my fucking insecurities,” she cried. “Sean, I’ve seen the women you date. I’m not like them.”
“Who cares about that? I sure as hell don’t.”
Her eyes heated with irritation. “Well, I do. I’m constantly wondering if I’m good enough. How I compare. And why in the world, when you can have any girl you want, you’d be with me.”
“I’m with you because I want to be with you, Darcy. I didn’t even realize this shit was on your mind. Why didn’t you say something earlier?”
“Right.” She laughed. “Like I’d speak my mind whenever one of my insecurities would pop up. That’s all that would ever come out of my mouth. Was that blow job I just gave you as good as your last girlfriend’s? How many other women have laid their heads on this pillow? Do you mind that my ass is bigger than the last girl you fucked?”
Her catty tone pricked at his nerves like a woodpecker. “You make it sound like I’ve slept with half the women in Massachusetts. And I haven’t.”
She rolled her eyes. “I know you haven’t, but even if there had only been one woman other than me, I’d still feel the same way.”
“I can’t go back and change the past. But I can tell you that I’m thoroughly enjoying what we have going. I’m sorry to hear that all your predecessors are on your mind when you’re with me, because I promise you that’s not what’s on mine.”
She blew out a long breath and let her chin fall against her chest. “What do we have going, Sean?”
He tilted his head and frowned. “I don’t understand the question.”
“Where do you see us in a year? Two years? Five years?”
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold the wagon.
Even though at his job he needed to plan months or even years ahead, he always needed to stay focused on the present and making sure they did everything correctly, one step at a time. Maybe that was why he made such a good general contractor.
But his pulse started to pick up at the thought of planning out his personal life for the next five years.
“I haven’t thought that far ahead.”
“Did you think that I would be okay with just taking things a day at a time without making any plans for the future?”
“Honestly? Yeah, I guess I did. I mean, isn’t that what everyone does?”
“No, it isn’t!” She threw her hands up, her blanket falling to the concrete at her feet. “I’m not asking for a lifetime commitment or anything, but I at least want to know that you want something meaningful with me.”
He leaned forward, braced his elbows on his knees, and glared at her. “Why else would I be with you? Do you think I’m stringing you along until I get tired of you or something?”
“You could be. How the hell do I know?”
“Because you know me better than that,” he snapped.
He’d had a long day. He had been excited to see her and had looked forward to the holidays and their weekend. He hadn’t expected to get bitched at after clearing his schedule for her, let alone get handed the insults she was dishing out.
“I bet you thought you knew everything about me too. But you didn’t, did you?” she asked.
He knew she was talking about her childhood. How he had reacted to her was inexcusable. He knew that, and he’d told her that. He’d apologized already. Yet here it was again, being thrown in his face.
“I already told you I’m sorry for the way I reacted. And if you’re looking for me to calm your insecurities, then you should know that nothing that you told me about your childhood affects the way I feel about you.”
He didn’t mean for his voice to sound as annoyed as it did. Her face twisted with pain as she looked at her hands in her lap.
“I can’t do this anymore, Sean.” She spoke so quietly he could barely hear her.
He reached for her hand, and she let him take it. It was warm from being tucked underneath the blanket.
“Darcy, come on,” he said. “You’re blowing this way out of proportion. Things really aren’t that—”
“I’m not happy, and I think this relationship is the reason.”
He felt his heart hammer away like a big wooden mallet in his chest. His mind scrambled to respond, but all he could do was stare at her.
He didn’t make her happy. She’d just said it.
For most of his life, he’d gone out of his way to make her smile… to make her laugh… to make her happy.
And he’d failed.
It seemed as if hours passed. The moon must have moved clear across the night sky in the time he blankly gaped at her, but Sean had nothing to say. Nothing. Not one goddamn word.
She squeezed her eyes closed and turned away before speaking again. “I used to think I could love you enough for the both of us, but I can’t.”
He started shaking his head. He needed more time to think about this. But right now, he just needed something that would show her how much she meant to him. Something that would buy him some time so he could sit down and think.
He wasn’t going to blurt out that he loved her. Love was the biggest four-letter word that ever existed.
It was a bottomless canyon of feelings that Sean had never even approached before, let alone looked over its edge into its infinite abyss. He knew saying the words would do the trick. It would solve this little squabble and get everything back to normal.
But he just couldn’t say the words that Darcy wanted to hear, even when he knew in the back of his mind that the consequences might be terminal.
Did he care for her? Without a doubt.
But was it love? How the hell was he suppose
d to know what love was?
She kept talking. “I’ve been making myself miserable, and I just can’t do it anymore. We have a one-sided relationship, and unless something monumental happens, it will always be that way.” She looked over at him, and her chin quivered. “I deserve one hundred percent of someone’s love. Not anything less. Not even ninety-nine percent. And that’s something you can’t give me.”
“But…” He only spoke to say something… to make some sound to stop her from going any further. Unfortunately, he wasn’t capable of stringing together words to convey what he was feeling.
Shock because this wasn’t how he’d seen his evening playing out. Anger because she was making a terrible mistake. Fear because he could feel her slipping away from him.
“I’ll always be your friend, Sean. I just can’t be with you anymore like this.”
Silence hung between them. She slowly released his hand and stood, picking up the blanket at her feet. He couldn’t let her walk away.
She loved him, damn it! He couldn’t let her end things like this.
He shot to his feet, cupped her face in his hands, and smothered her lips with his. He put everything he had into that kiss.
All his desire, all his fears.
She kissed him back. Their lips moved against one another, and he felt the heat from her breath. He released her when he ran out of air.
Looking into her beautiful dark eyes, he silently implored her to understand. Every emotion that swirled through him was there in his eyes and on his face for her to see.
Every emotion except the one she needs to see the most.
She turned her cheek into his palm and closed her eyes for what seemed an eternity. “Merry Christmas, Sean.”
She walked past him into the house, but not before he saw her tears. He’d never seen Darcy cry in the entire eighteen years that they’d known each other. And knowing that he was the one who had caused those tears was more than he could bear. He strode to his SUV, each long step crunching loudly against the gravel path.
He’d never been dumped before. He’d heard it sucked pretty hard. But as Sean got behind the wheel of his SUV, it wasn’t the fact that Darcy had broken up with him that hurt the most. It was knowing that their relationship could be added to his list of failures.
Not In My Wildest Dreams (McKenna Series Book 2) Page 32