Around the World in a Bad Mood!
Page 17
As for me, well, there is a certain splendor in being able to jet off for three or four days to Europe or Asia, or anywhere in the world for that matter, not knowing what will happen on the trip. The flight attendant job has also given me the inspiration to write my little musical comedy show, and you know that old saying, misery is the mother of all humor. If I were to leave the industry, where would I get my material, not to mention my audience? Aside from that, though, being a flight attendant has certainly influenced my personality. In addition to meeting and working with people from all around the world, being a flight attendant has given me an inner confidence. I mean, if I can successfully serve fourteen first-class passengers (usually businessmen) when there are only eleven meals on a flight that is two hours late and none of them are aware of the fact that I’m three meals short, I can do anything! I have also developed the patience of Job, probably from the millions of delays, misunderstandings about seat assignments, long lines, and having to wait for wheelchairs to meet the flight for our wheelchair passengers. I have also learned to work as a team member. When the weather is turbulent, and you have only two hours to serve a hot dinner, a complete cocktail service, and after-dinner coffee to two hundred people, everyone has to carry his or her weight. There’s no time to discuss it . . . you just knock it out. I have also had the opportunity to witness human nature at its worst (no one willing to give up their aisle seat to an elderly woman with Alzheimer’s traveling alone), and human nature at its best, which is usually something very simple (like the time we were short two meals and a woman and her child in the back row were not going to get anything except an apology and a bag of nuts, and the two people in the row in front of her offered to give up their meals). I’ve also had the good fortune to work in an industry where most of the other employees are terrific. For the most part they are fun, hardworking, honest, and make the difficult aspects of the job a lot easier to bear. I’ve always maintained that if you have a good crew, you can survive anything that may come your way.
Of all the traits I’ve developed from being a flight attendant, though, the most important would have to be humility. There is nothing like taking a walk down the aisle of an airplane a few hundred times a day asking people for their garbage and then saying “thank you” when they give it to you. I’ve also learned—and really believe—that there is a dignity in service, and sometimes in this disposable, instant-gratification-obsessed, self-absorbed society in which we live, it’s easy to forget this. There’s something intrinsically rewarding about helping a little old blind man to his seat, going out of your way to assist someone who is lost at Kennedy airport and who does not speak English, or taking care of a crying child who is traveling alone. I remember one woman whose husband had just died of a heart attack in the airport earlier that afternoon. She was on my flight later that day, on her way home to meet her children. She didn’t want to sit in her seat so I invited her to sit on my jumpseat in first class and tried to comfort her during the flight while serving dinner to a full ship. When I see people with these kinds of problems I try to treat them as I hope others would treat my grandparents or my children if they were in the same situation. Grace under pressure, dignity, tolerance, and patience are some of my favorite qualities, and being a flight attendant has certainly helped me develop these qualities. So, when people inquire as to whether I plan to quit the job anytime soon, my answer is no. Because for all the mechanical delays, weather delays, oversold flights, canceled flights, early wake-ups, missed holidays, jet lag, sleep deprivation, antiquated air traffic control systems, lousy food, fleabag hotels, and unhappy travelers, it’s still a great job. Besides, I’ve given this industry the best years of my life, so I’m also going to give them the worst. I’ll fly until I drop . . . which might be soon!
AROUND THE WORLD IN A BAD MOOD
JFK to O’Hare, Fresno, Fargo, Eau Claire,
Memphis, L.A., down to Birmingham. . . .
All in day? Every step of the way.
Around the world in a bad mood!
Instead of seeing the world and all of its sights,
I’m picking up trash and breaking up fights.
Hoping to God there’s some leftover booze.
Around the world in a bad mood!
Airports are crowded, the people are rude,
Lines never-ending, wear sensible shoes.
Carry-on baggage not worth what it weighs,
Oversold flights and weather delays.
(Those damn weather delays, sometimes they last for days.)
This ain’t worth what it pays!
It was snowing all day, every flight was delayed,
I met a strange man bound for Amsterdam, we popped
Quaaludes, I woke up tattooed.
Around the world in a bad mood!
Where is the glamour? I gotta know where.
Times are a-changing up here in the air,
All of the clamor that can’t be subdued.
Cheap, chintzy portions of horrible food
(I hate cheap chintzy food)
Do you have to be rude?
(Can’t stand aeroplane food)
Puts me in a bad mood.
I got bumped off eight flights, I’ve been here three nights
Trying to get home from Timbuktu.
I slept on the floor, I can’t take no more!
Around the world in a bad mood. . . .
Hoping to God I don’t come unglued,
Around the world in a bad mood.
Whatever I do, I always get screwed.
Around the world in a bad, bad, bad mood!
Thanks, Buh-bye
WE ARE NOT AT the gate yet, so please remain seated with your carry-on bags stowed until I acknowledge some of the people who have made the show and the book possible.
This book is based on a musical comedy that I wrote in 1998 and I’m very grateful to the many people who have helped me with both. So beginning with the show I send heartfelt thank-yous to the following individuals: Michael McFrederick, my collaborator and the composer of all the fabulous music in the show, for encouraging me to write lyrics and keep going forward, and for his sense of humor. Tom Mills, for his fine direction and encouragement and also for his patience and understanding with a first-time writer who presented a lot of her material to him on airplane cocktail napkins. Collette Black and the terrific staff at Rose’s Turn, for all their support and kindness to the cast and crew of Around the World in a Bad Mood. All of the talented actors and musicians who’ve made countless contributions and helped to bring the ideas, songs, and characters to life: Terry Dunn, Dana Fialco, Erik Hill, Erin Romero, Dave Horak, Suzanne Adams, Kerri Aldrich, Jennifer Winegarder, Hector Coris, Nicole Taylor, Julia Barnett, Woody Regan, Tracy Stark, John Flynn, Dan Chouinard, and especially Lou Rudy, who has been my calming influence and the best friend a girl could ever hope to have, for taking all the risks he has taken. Before Bad Mood, he had never appeared onstage, and now we can’t get him off the stage!
Jennifer Bowles—Designer Extraordinare.
I am also very grateful to the journalists and other people in the media who have taken an interest and either written about the show or invited me on their programs to promote it. I know the show would never have gone on this long without the help of their interviews and articles, so thank you: Larry Zuckerman, Leslie Eaton, Edward Keating, Tim Russell, Kristin Tillotson, Jayne Clark, Joe Sharkey, Margo Adler, the BBC, Minneapolis/St. Paul Magazine, Simon Hirschfield, Tom Brokaw, Minnesota Public Radio.
With regard to the show my thank-you list would not be complete if I overlooked the importance of the help, guidance, and encouragement I have received from different theatrical associates. First of all, to Dean Seal and the Minnesota Fringe Festival—having the opportunity to play on the big stage at the Music Box Theatre in Minneapolis was such a wonderful, fun experience. Also, to all the people at Richard Frankel Productions/Scorpio Entertainment for their enthusiasm and their willingness to take a chance in dev
eloping the show and helping me take it to the next level.
Keep your seat belt on, I’m not quite finished! That was just the show, now on to the book!
I absolutely have to thank Jennifer Lang and everyone at Hyperion Books for all their support and interest. I still can’t really believe I’ve written a book. Thank you for the golden opportunity.
I also have to thank my trusted legal advisors, beginning with Jason Baruch, who has helped me navigate the stormy sea of contracts, copyrights, and collaborator agreements. I’d be lost without you. Also, to Mr. Ernie Lindstrom and all the folks at the Lindstrom Law Offices who have been advising me over the years about so many things, but most recently about I’ll Be Right Back Productions.
Of course, I thank all my longtime friends and my family for listening to me, putting up with my crazy antics and my wacky moods (it is probably jet lag), and supporting me in all my creative endeavors. Also, very special thanks to Patricia Bowles, Helen Jordan, K.O., Peter Spelke, Jon Austin, John Heenehan, Harold Spelke, and of course, O’Malley and Suzi.
Above all I want to especially thank the many flight attendants, pilots, and other airline personnel throughout the world who have shared their stories and experiences with me. I’m glad to be part of such a diverse, hardworking, fun group of people. I’m so grateful to the many of you who have come to the show and encouraged me to keep going and supported me on so many levels. This book is for you—happy landings!
For more information about the performance schedule of Around the World in a Bad Mood, call (212) 712-8702.
Author’s Note
ON SEPTEMBER 11, 2001, I left LaGuardia Airport at 8:00 A.M. on what was to be a two-day trip to the West Coast. About one hour into the flight the captain called me into the cockpit. I unlocked the door and stepped in as I have done a thousand times before; however, this particular visit was unlike any other time before.
“Rene, we have an emergency situation. It seems that two planes have been hijacked and have crashed into the World Trade Center.”
I couldn’t comprehend what he was saying to me. I simply could not believe it. “Do you mean there was a midair collision?” I asked.
“No, I mean that two planes have been hijacked and deliberately crashed into the building.”
At that point the voice of an air traffic controller came over the cockpit radio, “The Pentagon has just been hit. Repeat, another plane has just crashed into the Pentagon.”
With that I sat down and felt my entire body go numb. I must have looked awful because the captain asked if I was all right. I said I was fine and waited quietly as the pilots took down information about the revised flight plan.
“Rene, the FAA has declared a national emergency and all aircraft have been ordered to land at the nearest airport. We have been assigned to Green Bay. I’d like you to prepare the cabin. I don’t want you to make any announcements regarding our rerouting until we are on the ground. We will be landing in fifteen minutes. Oh, and whatever you do, don’t let anyone near the cockpit door.”
Somehow I stood up, walked back into the cabin, and quietly informed the rest of the flight attendants what was happening, all the while trying to hide the fear I was feeling beneath a calm exterior. What happened after that is pretty much a blur. After we landed the captain made some brief announcement, and then the ground personnel took over. The passengers deplaned very quickly, and we were directed to the other side of security; within minutes the airport looked like a ghost town. We were instructed to go downstairs to aircraft operations and wait until we had new crew orders. When we arrived, there were many other rerouted crews already there, and for the next two hours we sat glued to a small television set in an employee break room watching the terrifying events unfold before us. Later the captain informed us that we were to go to a hotel and wait until we were released to go. We spent the next four days in Green Bay, Wisconsin, waiting, wondering, and watching. When we were finally released we took an empty airplane to New York, and as we flew into the city on approach we had our first glimpse of what is now called Ground Zero. Although we had witnessed the images for the last four days on a television screen, nothing could prepare us for the actual sight of the devastation of the horror below.
I finished writing this book on September 6, just five days before this tragedy. Since then the world has changed, New York has changed, and I guess I’ve changed, too. However, I still believe in humor and that laughter can help us heal. Although I did not personally know any of the flight crew members who lost their lives in the line of duty, I still feel a strong connection to them. They were, after all, sister and brother flight attendants, and to me they are also heroes just like the police officers, firefighters, EMTs, and countless other people who lost their lives while simply doing their job that day. Airline employees are an interesting bunch of people with a very interesting lifestyle; in our little community we are always sharing funny stories about our flights, our passengers, our coworkers, our layovers, and our lives. Needless to say, there is always a lot of laughter. Much of this book is not only from my own personal stories but from the collective experiences of all airline personnel, which is often what binds us together. And so this book is for all of us who travel by air and who work in the industry, but most especially for those we’ve lost.
September 24, 2001
About the Author
Rene Foss, a second-generation flight attendant, has been an employee of a major airline for 16 years. She is the writer and star of the musical revue Around the World in a Bad Mood!, which has been performed in Minneapolis, New York, and other major cities. A native of Minneapolis, she currently lives in New York City.
Copyright
Copyright © 2002 I’ll Be Right Back Productions, LLC
The following songs from the musical revue Around the World in a Bad Mood are reprinted with permission:
“The Safety Demo Shuffle,” lyrics by Rene Foss and music by Michael McFrederick, copyright © 1998 by Rene Foss and Michael McFrederick. All rights reserved.
“Around the World in a Bad Mood” and “Benefits,” lyrics by Rene Foss and music by Michael McFrederick, copyright © 2000 by Rene Foss and Michael McFrederick. All rights reserved.
“I Hate Everything” and “The WAFTI Company Song,” lyrics by Rene Foss and music by Michael McFrederick, copyright © 2001 by Rene Foss and Michael McFrederick. All rights reserved.
All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information address Hyperion, 114 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10011.
The Library of Congress has catalogued the original print edition of this book as follows:
Foss, Rene.
Around the world in a bad mood : confessions of a flight attendant / Rene Foss.
p. cm.
ISBN-10: 0-7868-9011-8
ISBN-13: 978-0-7868-9011-8
1. Flight attendants. 2. Foss, Rene, 1962- I. Title.
HD8039.A43 R67 2002
387.7’42’092—dc21
[B]
2001039884
eBook Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-0444-7
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Cover design © Anton Markous
First eBook Edition
Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America.
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*Whenever you see someone doing something that might not follow the WAFTI guidelines to the letter, turn them in! This will make you a hero with the suits. It will also make you feel as though you are making a valuable contribution to WAFTI and justify your paycheck.
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Rene Foss, Around the World in a Bad Mood!