Remembering Joy

by Moen, Jenni

  He ignored me and asked instead, “So you came to the bar? And then you just left?”

  I nodded.

  He shook his head at me. “I’m on your side. I always have been and always will be. But, oddly enough, I like him, and he’s good for you.”

  I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “You think that after everything I’ve done to him and everything he’s done to me, we should be together?”

  “Yes. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but yes. And, for the record, Alexis, you didn’t do anything to him. It was an accident. A horrible, terrible accident.”

  “Everyone keeps using that word. ‘Accident.’ It wasn’t just an accident. It wasn’t like it was all out of my control. I made decisions, bad decisions, and those decisions killed his sister.”

  Ethan leaned across the desk. “Look, I agree. This whole thing is one crazy, fucked up mess, but you never intended to hurt him. He understands that. Why can’t you?”

  “Because someone died, Ethan. Someone died.”

  Adam

  I slid onto the barstool for the ninth day in a row. I didn’t know if it was hope or habit that brought me back, but if she was going to come at all, tonight was the night. Today, she would have received the fourth and last package. If it didn’t work, I didn’t know what would.

  I ordered what had been my usual for the last four nights. My drinks had gotten stiffer as the days dragged on. What had started with a Shiner Bock had morphed its way into a Jack and Coke and was now just a straight up Gentleman’s Jack. If I hung out another two days, I’d be mainlining moonshine.

  The pretty bartender didn’t waste any time filling my order. When he was here, Ethan flirted with her incessantly, and I found it amusing ... especially since I was almost positive that he already had intimate knowledge of her.

  I’d grown accustomed to having him here. It was hard to tell if it was a relationship of respect or a relationship of convenience. Since he’d continually brought me little nuggets of information about Allie, I assumed it was more of the former, but it was probably a little of both.

  His presence was both a blessing and a curse. It was a blessing because he wasn’t a bad drinking buddy. In fact, I’d begun to realize what Allie saw in him, and, strangely enough, he encouraged me to carry on with this strange quest of mine. His presence was a curse because my behavior was starting to border on the pathetic, and I had a witness to the whole thing.

  I didn’t have to worry about being pathetic tonight, though. I’d asked Ethan not to come. Tonight, I wanted to be with Allie or I wanted to be alone. I may have implied that I would wait here forever, but it turned out that forever ends after nine days. I’d played all of my cards. If she didn’t come today, she never would, and, either way, I would never set foot in this bar again.

  After several hours, it was clear that she was another no show. Since it was my last night, I decided to make it worth my time and go ahead and shut the bar down.

  “Drinking alone tonight?” Ethan’s bartender asked as she slid a new drink toward me.

  “Looks like it,” I answered.

  “Let me know if you need anything,” she said as she walked away. I wasn’t sure if I imagined it, but I thought there might be some suggestion in the swing of her hips.

  I played with my phone for a few minutes, trying to pass the time. Finally, bored with it, I put it away and looked into my glass. I swirled the amber liquid around and wondered why it wasn’t strong enough. The bar had quieted way down. It was just me, a group of three guys in suits, and one other couple.

  Ethan’s bartender sashayed over. “So you’ve become my best customer,” she said. “What gives?”

  “Are you complaining?” I asked.

  “Not at all. I rather enjoy having you here. I find you far more interesting than most of the other schmucks who come in here.”

  “Is that right?” I said, with a laugh. “I have to say that I agree with you.”

  “I have excellent taste,” she said, leaning forward on her elbows so that our faces were closer than allowed by normal conversation. “How about you? Do you have excellent taste, too?”

  Her breasts were practically falling out of her v-neck ‘Library’ t-shirt. I would have had to be dead not to notice. “My taste has been on the rise the past few months. In fact, it’s reached a level that is probably not sustainable.”

  She smiled at me in a way that let me know that she didn’t believe that was the case. “The bar closes in 30 minutes. Why don’t we see if I can help keep your standards raised?”

  I considered the offer in front of me. Allie wasn’t coming. She’d made that clear. She’d left me sitting here for nine straight nights. I’d declared tonight to be it ... the last night that I made a fool of myself over her. The woman standing in front of me was a sure thing.

  “I think your standards would probably be higher if you chose one of those guys over there,” I said, pointing to the three guys in the corner.

  She eyed them like she was appraising a car or a boat or a ticket out of here. “They’re all right. But I bet you clean up and look just as good in a suit. And I bet you look a whole lot better out of it.”

  Her words triggered a memory. I had a brand new suit hanging in my closet. Maybe I wasn’t done. Maybe I had one more card to play. Ethan’s bartender might be a sure thing, but I was a gambling man.

  Chapter 28

  Alexis

  “So what did he send you today?” he asked, gesturing toward the line of packages across the top of my credenza. My gaze rested on each one for a second, while I remembered their contents. The first had been a pink gift sack containing the squirrel mug that I’d laughed at the first morning I woke up in his apartment. Ethan said that Adam delivered it personally, but luckily I hadn’t seen him. Every morning, I took it out of the sack and thought about filling it with coffee. But I couldn’t do it. The last time I’d seen it, it had been pressed against Adam’s lips.

  The second package had arrived two days later via a courier service. Like the squirrel mug, the contents of the paper grocery sack had made me laugh. I’d pulled out the jar of Biscoff and the box of Captain Crunch, and decided that the 100-count package of plastic spoons meant that he thought I should dig right in. As I rolled my Biscoff-laden spoon in Captain Crunch, I remembered how he’d chastised me when he’d caught me buying this same little treat, saying that it ‘wouldn’t sustain me.’ Since it had arrived, I’d spent hours wondering what this gift meant. Was he conceding that sometimes what you wanted wasn’t what you needed? Or was he saying that you should go for what you want even when it’s not the best choice? Or was it simpler than that? Maybe he just knew what would make me feel better.

  The third package had come with the normal mail delivery on my seventh day back in town. Even though the padded envelope set on the credenza with the others, it was empty. I’d taken its contents home the first night. I remembered the piñata shirt from the first day I’d seen him at the gym and ran away with my tail between my legs. He must have worn it before he packed it up because it still smelled of him. Even though I was worried that the combination of musky cologne and minty bodywash would wear off if I handled it too much, I hadn’t been able to stop myself. I’d curled up with it and let his smell wash over me as I cried myself to sleep that night. That had been over four days ago, and my eyes still felt gritty.

  I’d thought nothing could wreck me more than the t-shirt until the fourth package was delivered. It, too, had been a padded envelope. I’d shaken the contents out onto my desk and felt sick to my stomach. I first thought that he was finally giving up. Then I’d read the note:

  Allie,

  I want you to have this back. It was your birthday present, and it doesn’t go with anything in my closet anyway. The key is still yours, too. I’ll hang onto it for you. You don’t really need it to get back in anyway.

  Love,

  Adam

  It had been too much. I’d left work ear
ly and spent another night with a wadded up t-shirt that wasn’t nearly as good as the real thing.

  Finally, my eyes rested on the last package that had arrived just a few hours before. “You don’t want to know,” I said to Ethan. I could feel my cheeks lighting up.

  He didn’t need to know about the lacy black bra inside. It was from La Perla and didn’t have the strap held together with a safety pin. The note said that he would have happily bought me the matching panties, but didn’t want to waste his money and couldn’t afford payments on two Hyundais.

  “Oh, yeah? Something good?” he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively at me.

  “Something for tonight. His note says that he’s still planning on coming. Honestly, I forgot until this morning that I’d asked him to be my date.”

  “So what are you going to do?” Ethan asked.

  I gestured to the door to let him know that it was time for him to get out and picked up my cell phone. “I’m going to cancel.”

  Ethan just shook his head at me. I continued to disappoint him, and it was written all over his face. If he only knew how disappointed I was in myself, he might cut me a break.

  Adam

  Weeks ago, Allie had asked me to be her date for some swanky dinner her firm was putting on. It had something to do with recognizing associates for doing pro bono work. I didn’t know if Allie was being recognized, specifically, but I figured that she was.

  Of course, she asked me to be her date before we’d broken up. I was sure that she had no intention of taking me now, but I was going to hold her to it. It had been 20 days since I’d seen her. If I had to coerce her into spending a night with me, I would do it.

  Even so, I definitely didn’t think I should show up at her place and surprise her. So I’d sent her a package this morning to remind her of our date. I’d been disappointed when she’d called to tell me that I shouldn’t ... or couldn’t come. But I guess I’d expected it. I refused to back down even when she said she had another date. ‘Cancel it then,’ I’d told her. I didn’t really think she’d have to make a call. The tone of her voice told me that she didn’t actually have another date.

  I pushed the button on the elevator to go up to her floor and looked at myself in the reflection of the gold doors. I didn’t recognize the guy looking back at me. My new suit was tailored to fit me perfectly. All of my tattoos were covered. I’d even combed my usually unkempt hair into something that passed as respectable. I hadn’t been this dressed up in years. In fact, I probably hadn’t worn a suit since Joy’s funeral almost 10 years ago.

  There was something else that I didn’t recognize in the guy in the mirrored door. I was nervous. I’d broken my word. I’d said that I wouldn’t push her, and I was definitely pushing her. If I didn’t win her over tonight, I didn’t think I’d get another chance.

  When the door opened, Allie stepped out. My breath hitched in my chest. I’d thought she looked beautiful sitting on my bed with puffy eyes, dirty hair, and wrinkled clothes, but tonight she was a bombshell. Her vacation had treated her well. Her skin was tan, and her blonde hair was lighter around her face. The black dress only covered one shoulder, and the hem was short enough that I wouldn’t want her bending over at any point tonight. Her 4-inch heels showed just a bit of her toes and made her legs seem like they went all the way to heaven. Of course, I had insider knowledge that they did in fact reach to heaven.

  Suddenly, I wasn’t nervous any more. I had a job to do. Looking the way she did, it was clear that I needed to be here just to provide protection for the night.

  “Adam?” she said in the squeaky voice that she reserved for genuine surprise.

  I didn’t like the question mark at the end. After all, I’d made it clear that I was coming tonight. I decided to ignore it.

  “Shit, Allie, you look amazing,” I said, spinning her around and trying to push her back into the elevator. “We need to get you back upstairs to change.”

  “Change?” she asked, her voice laced with confusion.

  “You’re beautiful babe, but you can’t go out looking like that. Every douchebag within a 10-block radius is going to be falling all over themselves. I’m going to get into a fight before we even get to the dinner.”

  She swung away from me and turned back toward the front door. “I’m not changing, Adam. You have no say in what I can and cannot wear.”

  “Fine,” I said. “But you are really going to make tonight as challenging as possible, aren’t you? It’s a good thing I have brass knuckles in my pocket.”

  I patted my chest pocket and then bent at the waist. As I ushered her toward the door, I said. “Your chariot awaits, madam.”

  “Adam, I told you. You can’t come tonight,” she said in a hushed voice.

  I looked around to see why she was whispering.

  “Ahh, come on, Allie,” I said with a groan. “I promise I’ll be on my best behavior. We don’t have to talk about anything. Just spend the evening with me. You won’t regret it.” I couldn’t believe that I’d been reduced to begging.

  “I’m sorry. I thought I was clear,” she hissed, looking around. “You have to leave now.”

  I looked over toward the doorman to see if he was paying attention. It wasn’t Tony, and this other guy was paying attention. I could tell from the look on his face that he was ready to show me the way out.

  I didn’t understand what was happening. I really had thought that this would work. I’d dressed up for her. I’d bought a new suit. I was willingly subjecting myself to an entire night hanging out with her blowhard coworkers. I was already outside my comfort zone here. Even though we weren’t on good terms, I’d expected her to at least acknowledge my effort. Instead, I was getting the cold shoulder.

  As if in answer to all the questions running through my head, the front door opened. A guy that I didn’t recognize walked in and headed straight for Allie. I looked at Allie and back at him and then back at Allie.

  She hadn’t been kidding. Her date had arrived.

  I took an accounting of the guy in front of me. His short blonde hair was perfectly combed to the side. It didn’t hang over his ears or the edge of his collar. I might have passed for respectable, but this guy was respectable. And I hated him. He was a bit shorter than me, but had a few extra pounds that would make him slower. I had no doubt that I could take him, and I wouldn’t mind wrinkling his fancy ass tuxedo in the process.

  “Who’s this douchebag?” I asked, without even bothering to control my anger. I could feel him bristle next to me, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t threatened one little bit.

  “This is Jay. Jay, this is Adam,” Allie said, making the introductions.

  “This is your date? You actually have a date? A real date?” My voice rose with each statement until I ended on a yell.

  Allie just looked back at me. I couldn’t tell if it was fear that wouldn’t let her speak or if she really didn’t want to answer me.

  A switch flipped. I threw my hands in the air and glared at her. “I’m done. I’m fucking done. Every night I sit in ‘our’ bar, waiting for you to realize that what we have going on here is worth fighting for. And, while I’m sitting there, you are going on dates! Well, good luck ... I’m done waiting for you ... I won’t be bothering you anymore.”

  The doorman had approached and stepped between Allie and me. “I’m sorry, sir, but I’m going to have to show you out.”

  “No. No, you don’t. I know my way out.” I turned on my heel and stalked toward the door.

  As I pushed the door open, I threw out one more jab just for good measure. “Good job, Allie. Well fucking done. He’s perfect for you ... he’s the antithesis of me.”

  I shouldn’t have looked back, but I did and instantly regretted everything I’d just said. Her tearstained cheeks meant that she was going to need to repair her makeup before she went out, which meant that that cock donkey was going to be in her apartment.

  The door swooshed shut behind me, and I wished that it had slamm
ed. Even though I was blinded by rage, I somehow made it to my car. I sat behind the wheel and counted to a hundred. I wasn’t in any condition to drive. When I didn’t feel any better at a hundred, I went in reverse and worked my way back down again. Finally, I turned the key and listened to my car roar to life. The growl of the engine as I pulled out into traffic made me feel marginally better.

  Since my night had suddenly freed up and my vigil at The Library was over, I went to the one place that I was comfortable. It was a Friday night so the band wasn’t playing tonight, but the whole crew was already set up at a table. As I sat down in one of the two empty chairs, Burke made the mistake of making a crack about my mortician’s suit. The death ray glare that I sent his way shut him up and kept everyone else’s questions at bay, too.

  I hadn’t shown my face in weeks, but it was like no time had passed. A line of Patron shots mysteriously appeared in front of me. Conversation was as it had always been, as if nothing was amiss. The problem was that something was wrong. Something was very wrong. The single empty chair at the table taunted me, and I began working my way down the line of shots in an effort to shut it up.

  I had just finished the third one when Carissa dropped by our table. She played it off like it was sheer coincidence that we’d run into each other, but I had a suspicion that Burke was to blame. I also didn’t think it was a coincidence that she was dressed like she was on a mission or that her hair was pulled up like she knew I liked it.

  The tequila had begun to numb my senses a bit so I tolerated her presence at the table. She leaned in when I talked and laughed at everything I said even though there was nothing funny about any of it. I knew what she wanted, but it wasn’t going to happen. When I felt her hand start to travel up my leg under the table, I pushed my chair back, and threw a pair of $20s on the table to cover my share of the tab. Burke threw my money back at me just as Carissa jumped up. No doubt she was going to try to follow me out.