Another Saturday Night and I Ain't Got No Body (A Page Turners Novel)

by Marts, Jennie

  “That day may still come,” Cassie said in a soft voice. She took Piper’s hand and squeezed it.

  “Hey, I have a great idea,” Sunny said. “This Friday, let’s go to lunch and all go shopping together. We can shop until we find a great pair of jeans for each of us.”

  Piper beamed. “Oh, that sounds fun.”

  “Since we’re shopping for jeans, let’s wait to eat until after we try on clothes,” Cassie suggested. “Then we could go out for supper and maybe see a movie.”

  “I can get off by three on Friday, so I’m in,” Maggie said, after checking her schedule on her phone.

  “Well, I’m in,” Edna said. “I need to find a marvelous pair of jeans for my date on Saturday night.”

  “Your what?” Sunny choked.

  “My date.”

  “With whom?”

  “With Roy, of course. Couldn’t you see we made a love connection that afternoon at the ranch?”

  “Roy, as in Levi’s dad?” Piper asked and she wrinkled her nose. “Isn’t he kind of old?”

  Edna cackled again. “You’re only as old as you feel, so some mornings I’m about eighty, but some nights I still feel twenty-five! Hee. Hee.”

  “What are you all doing for your date?” Sunny asked.

  “He’s taking me dancing.”

  “Oh, fun. Are you going to the dance clubs downtown?” Maggie asked.

  “No, we’re going square-dancing.”

  “What?” Sunny asked. All of her comments seemed to begin with that word. “What do you know about square dancing?”

  “Oh, it can’t be that hard. They have a guy up front yelling at you telling you what to do next. Grab your partner, swing her around,” she sang in a loud sing-song imitation of a square dance caller. “Do-se-do, Promenade, one foot, two foot, red foot, blue foot. You do the hokey pokey, and you turn yourself around, and that’s what it’s all about!”

  The two couples seated at the next table gave Edna a round of applause, to which she smiled, batted her eyes, and ate up the extra attention.

  “You’re right.” Maggie wiped a tear from the corner of her eye that had eeked out as she laughed at Edna’s rendition of a square dance caller. “That does sound easy enough. You’ll have to let us know how it turns out.” She laughed easily. Shaking her head, she looked at Sunny as if to say, “Hey, she’s your neighbor.”

  “Okay, so we know what Edna is doing Saturday night, but who has a date lined up for Sunny this weekend?” Cassie asked.

  They all looked at each other but no one responded.

  “Oh, I do,” Sunny said. “His name is Beau, and we have a date with a sofa, a bowl of popcorn, and a movie. Hurray.”

  “Oh, no you don’t,” Cassie said. “You promised to give us six tries. Doesn’t anybody have any ideas for this weekend?” She looked at the faces of Maggie, Piper, and Edna, who stared blankly back at her.

  “Well, do you?” Piper asked.

  “Well, no.”

  They each picked up their coffee drink and took a sip while Sunny picked at the half-eaten blueberry muffin on the plate in front of her.

  “It’s fine, you guys,” she said. “I don’t have to have a date every weekend.”

  “Shh. We’re thinking.” Cassie stared intently out the front window as if a cute guy might walk by on the sidewalk with a sign reading, Cute, smart, funny guy looking for a date with a blonde, curly-haired, second-grade teacher, who is carrying fifteen extra pounds in her hip area.

  “Well, how does a nice, single, thirty-something go about meeting men?” she finally asked.

  “Maybe you should go to some of the clubs. There should be a lot of guys there,” Piper suggested.

  “Not,” Sunny said. “I’ve gone out dancing with the other teachers before, and it’s a big meat market. You don’t really meet or talk to anyone. It’s a bunch of horny guys looking for one-night stands, and they are not interested in me when a bunch of gorgeous, skinny twenty-something’s are shaking their little bitty butts around on the dance floor. And the cleavage that’s on display is crazy. It makes me want to stand on the stairway above the dance floor and toss coins into the crowd to see how many I can get to land in all the boob-cracks.”

  “Oh, we should totally go do that!” Maggie laughed. “That would be hilarious.”

  “Okay, so no clubs,” Cassie said, keeping them on task. “How about your church? Aren’t there some nice men there?”

  Sunny attended church with Edna, and though it was a small chapel with a lovely pastor, attendance was minimal with the Sunday crowd mainly the retired, Social-Security receiving set.

  “There are lots of nice men there,” Sunny replied. “But they are all in their eighties. No offense, Edna.”

  “None taken,” Edna said. “I don’t want to date any of those old farts either. Those widowers are just looking for someone to feed ‘em, keep track of their pills, and measure out their Metamucil. No thanks.”

  Cassie chuckled. “Okay. No clubs and no old men from the church. What about your work?”

  “There are four wonderful men at my school, but their wives might not appreciate me trying to date them,” Sunny teased.

  “Geez, this is hard. Where are you supposed to meet men if you’re single and work primarily with women?”

  “Tara’s mom goes out on tons of dates,” Piper contributed. “She meets them all online.”

  “Of course,” Maggie said. “Why didn’t we think of this before? A couple of the secretaries at my firm are always talking about online dating.”

  “Oh, c’mon guys,” Sunny said. “I don’t know if I’m ready to step into that mess yet. I really am fine hanging out with my dog, and I’ve always got you all.”

  Going out with men her friends knew was one thing, but the thought of a complete stranger taking her on a date had Sunny’s chest constricting with panic.

  “Oh, everybody is doing it,” Edna said. “I’ve checked out Cupid.com and the Craig’s List classifieds.”

  “You what?” Sunny asked. There was that word again. Edna just seemed full of surprises today.

  “It’s fun. You should at least check it out,” Edna said.

  “Okay, we’re moving this party to Sunny’s house. Everybody grab your stuff.” Maggie pulled her purse strap onto her shoulder. “Let’s go see if we can find Sunny a match!”

  * * *

  “Maybe we should try ETranquility.net. I’ve heard they really look for someone that you’re compatible with,” Sunny said. Thirty minutes later, the whole book club crowded around her kitchen table as they waited for her laptop to sign on to the internet.

  “You have to answer lots of questions, and then they choose your date. You don’t even get to look at profiles,” Edna explained.

  “You should try the cupid one,” Maggie suggested.

  Sunny typed in the website address. “All right. Here goes nothing.”

  Nothing is what Sunny hoped they would find. How had an innocent conversation over coffee morphed into her searching the internet for cupid’s match? How pathetic am I that I can’t find my own date?

  A black and red screen popped up with cheesy cupids, hearts, and arrows streaming across the page. The words, Let Cupid shoot an arrow through the heart of your perfect match, arced across the screen following the path of an arrow and pierced the heart of an un-naturally good-looking blond fireman.

  Sunny groaned. “This is not how I want to find a man.” Embarrassed by her inadequacies, she considered pulling the plug on this whole idea. Literally, she could pull the plug from the side of the computer and just act like the internet went out.

  “You should try the Match one. It’s one of the most popular sites, and they offer a one month free trial membership so you’re not out anything if you just want to try it,” Edna said.

  Raising an eyebrow at Edna, Sunny was amazed at the older woman’s online dating know-how. Sunny hadn’t thought she even knew how to use the internet.

  Sunny clicked on the
next website address, and a new screen came up with a scene of two good-looking people laughing as they sipped champagne in a hot tub with a backdrop of snow covered mountains in the background. As they watched, the scene faded into a beach setting with another beautiful couple, also laughing while they rode horseback down the sand. That scene faded to still another laughing couple on the patio of a romantic restaurant enjoying a lobster dinner.

  “Look how happy all those people are,” Piper said.

  “Those are the couples who own these websites. They’re so happy, because they’re making so much money on the poor suckers searching these sights,” Maggie said dryly.

  “Well, I certainly do enjoy hot tubs, the beach, and eating,” Sunny said. “So I should fit right in. And I’m sure my body looks just like that girl in the bikini.” Her sarcasm was ignored as the other women intently watched the screen.

  “I wouldn’t mind being matched up with that one.” Edna pointed to the computer as a new scene depicted another gorgeous couple picnicking in the French countryside, their bicycles resting against a nearby tree, and they were, of course, also laughing. The man was dark haired, mustached, and had a muscled tan body. He was pictured feeding a chocolate-covered strawberry to a beautiful blonde goddess. “He looks a little like Clark Gable.”

  “Who?” Piper asked.

  “The guy in Gone with the Wind,” Cassie said.

  “Oh, yeah.”

  “So, what am I supposed to do now?” Sunny asked. She still couldn’t believe she was asking Edna’s advice on how to work an online dating site.

  “You have to start making choices. Are you looking for a male or female?” Edna asked, teasingly.

  “Okay, that’s easy enough.” Sunny rolled the mouse around to click on Female seeking Male.

  “Now put in your age range.”

  She clicked on the thirty to forty icon.

  “Now, put in your zip code, and it will bring up guys in this area.”

  Sunny typed in her zip and pressed enter.

  The screen now held a row of one by two inch pictures, each with a profile title and a short message.

  “See, these are the profiles,” Edna explained. “You scroll through them and when you get to one you like, you can ‘wink’ at them.”

  “Wink at them?”

  “It’s like a little message to show you’re interested.”

  “Look at this one.” Maggie pointed at the screen. “It says, Only women who like to receive roses need apply and his profile name is SmoothTalk. Vomit!”

  Cassie laughed. “Wait, look at this one. This guy is called Got Cheesecake, and it says I’ve been told I’m very good-looking. By who? Your mother?”

  They scrolled through the pictures, laughing and hooting at some of the more outrageous profiles.

  “4everLooking wants to know, Will you complete me?”

  “Wait! Dr. Love says, I'm a nice guy that likes to cuddle.”

  “Look at this guy. His name is Ladylover and all he wrote was, I’m just lookin’ for some tail.”

  “Oh, you better write his number down,” Maggie said. “He sounds like a real catch.”

  “I think we can skip over Big14U and Fun4aNite,” Cassie said.

  “Although, you might be interested in KegMaster,” Piper said, joining in on the fun as she pointed to a beefy guy who wore sunglasses, with his hat backwards sitting in a boat. “He says, lived here his hole life, is an outgoing persone, likes drinking, hanging out and NASCAR. And he is obviously a great speller.”

  “Check out this one. He can’t even be bothered to spell. He’s just using text language. And he, wants to be ur Superman. He says, my name is Jim aka Loverboy. I love 2 go to da movies n go out 2 eat after da movies. I’m very romantic and loyal. I’m trying 2 go bak 2 school….”

  Sunny laughed. “Well, Loverboy can just go right on back to school. In fact, he would fit right in with some of our fifth graders.”

  Cassie scrolled to another profile. “How about this one? He likes to watch TV and get tattoos. He sounds like a real winner. No wonder his profile name is Loner78.”

  “But this guy is a connoisseur of fine wine AND women,” Maggie said.

  “Why is this guy on here? It says he’s looking for companionship in one sentence and the next he says he works seventy-five hours a week. When would he have the time?”

  “How about HotRockerStud? That Van Halen long hair is almost still in style.”

  “This is ridiculous.” Sunny wiped tears from her eyes as she tried to control her laughter. “This is why those first people were having so much fun. They had been reading these profiles. Who would go out with these guys?”

  Sunny’s embarrassment faded with the hilarity of the situation as the laughter in the room grew.

  “Now, Sunny, you have to get past the duds and try to find the studs,” Edna said, still on the hunt for a good match. “This one looks nice.” She pointed to a snapshot of a dark-haired man pictured with two poodles. “His name is My2doggiesandme. Now that’s kind of sweet.”

  “First of all, I’m not going out with a guy who has a poodle. Beau would probably eat that little dog. And second of all, I’m not going out with a guy who has a poodle.”

  “Yeah, Edna, she has some standards.” Maggie smirked. “How about going out with Beefcake? It says, likes to workout four times a week.”

  Sunny laughed and reached to close the laptop. “That’s enough for me.”

  “Wait, I think I might have found one for real,” Cassie said, her face intent as she clicked on the picture of an average-looking guy with a blond hair. He looked tan and fit, and his picture was taken outdoors by a stream. He was wearing shorts, a fishing vest, and was holding a fishing pole. His profile name was Flyfisherman. “He sounds okay. His message reads, Simple guy with a good sense of humor who loves the outdoors, hiking, and fishing. Laid back personality, listens to the Eagles, and likes to cook.”

  “Likes to cook? Let me call him,” Maggie said.

  “He sounds pretty good, Sunny. And he looks nice,” Piper said.

  “Yeah, I guess he sounds okay,” she replied. “All right, you can wink at him.”

  “Now once you let them know you’re interested,” Edna said, “you have to build a profile for yourself so they can reply.”

  “Groan. I don’t want to sound as dorky as these guys,” Sunny said, as she watched Edna click through the steps and type in her name, email and description.

  “Eyes,” Edna said. “Blue. What color would you call your hair?”

  Sunny glared at her. “Blonde.” When Edna didn’t resume typing, she continued, “-ish. Okay, dirty-blonde.”

  “Wait. Don’t put dirty-blonde in her profile,” Cassie said.

  “Ya, she might get winked at by Loverboy or DrLove,” Maggie said.

  “Just put blonde,” Cassie instructed. “They will see her picture.”

  Sunny groaned again. “Oh, my gosh, what are we going to use for a picture?”

  “Don’t worry. We can use that good one from Cassie’s BBQ last summer,” Maggie offered.

  “Next question is ‘What would you say your weight is?’” Edna read, keeping to her task.

  “What would I say it is or what would the scale say it is?” Sunny asked.

  Sunny watched as Edna entered in a weight and height and said, “That’s close enough.”

  “Now what is your message going to say?” Piper asked.

  “Do you like pina coladas? And getting caught in the rain?” Maggie crooned.

  “That’ll get me a lot of dates.”

  “Okay,” Cassie said, still serious, “put down kind-hearted, dog-lover, and good with children…”

  “Don’t make her sound like a nun,” Maggie chided. “Add in ‘fun and full of energy’.”

  “Put that I like to read and watch movies,” Sunny said.

  “Put that she likes motorcycles, rock-climbing, and hang-gliding,” Maggie added.

  “No, don’t do that!”


  “Why not?”

  “It’s lying. I don’t do any of those things.”

  “Oh, everybody spices their profiles up a bit.”

  “How about, loves to laugh?” Piper put in.

  “How about, good hygiene?” Edna asked.

  “No! I’ll keep my hygiene to myself, thank you,” Sunny declared.

  They worked another twenty minutes, scanned in the picture from the barbeque, and finally settled on a profile title of SunnyGirl and a message that read: Fun-loving single who loves dogs and kids. Enjoys reading, movies, walking my Golden Retriever, and hanging out with friends. Looking to meet new people. Let’s chat over coffee or lunch.

  “All right, so I winked at someone, now what?” Sunny asked, leaning back in her chair.

  “Now you have to wait to see if they wink back with their contact info,” Edna explained.

  “But that could take hours.”

  “Right, so let’s switch to the over-sixty crowd and find some men for me,” Edna said.

  “Okay.”

  Sunny changed the age group to over-sixty and clicked enter.

  Up popped several photos, though not as many as were in the thirty to forty age categories.

  “How about this guy, Edna? He’s five foot seven, one hundred thirty-five pounds, and he’d like to meet a woman who is shorter than he is but shouldn’t outweigh him.” Maggie laughed.

  “This guy sounds like you.” Cassie pointed to a picture of a man with gray hair and an impish grin. “It says: He’s an ordinary guy with a slightly lusty mind, looking to express his love in romantic ways.”

  “He’s nothing like me,” Edna said. “He said his mind is only slightly lusty.”

  Maggie, Cassie and Sunny cracked up, but Piper wrinkled her nose in disgust.

  “This guy says, I’m 5’9”, and I still have most all my hair.”

  “This one’s a rock-n-roller from way back.”

  “This guy says, I have no RV, so if you need one, don’t reply.”

  “Now this one has potential,” Edna said and pointed to a man with a handlebar moustache who sat astride a large motorcycle. “He says: I’ve met women who I could probably live with, but I’m looking for one I can’t live without.”