by Devin Sawyer
Finn notices me and I smile at him and give a low wave but keep walking. He immediately slaps Lawson’s arm and points over to me, giving away my attempt at slipping by unnoticed. Lawson jumps off the railing he was just sitting on and jogs my direction and I get nervous. This is silly. This isn’t different from any other day or that time he approached my table outside the library while I was studying. But it feels different, it feels like more is on the line. My fucking heart, that’s what it is. Okay, not my heart. I’m not in love with the guy, but my pride sure is.
“Hey,” he says, slowing his jog to a walk.
A few of the people from his group are looking over here, including Finn. Grant does his best to keep the others entertained.
“Hey,” I reply.
He looks nervous, fidgeting with his hands, which is so unlike the Lawson I saw just moments ago hanging out with a group of friends. My own nerves are spiraling. He’s here to delicately tell me he’s sorry for being full of fake promises. I internally scold myself for being so damn gullible and naïve. I’m a better woman than that, to fall for some man’s empty confession. He felt bad for me and the awkward underwear incident and in apology he spent a weekend making me feel like it was worth it.
I’m so busy going through the scenarios that I’m not even paying attention to the extended silence passing between us in the courtyard, but when Lawson finally moves, I’m pulled from my trance and he paces over the few more steps to me and grabs my neck, cradling my face and bringing it to his own. The moment I feel his lips touch mine I melt and forget every negative thought that just passed through my mind. His lips are perfect, and I didn’t know how badly I felt their absence from yesterday until this very moment. I place my hands over his chest and feel his chiseled pecs beneath. Only then does he lighten the kiss and pull away slightly from me and I feel his lips pull into a smile and I can’t help but mirror it.
“That was…”
“Fucking perfect,” he finishes and lightly pecks at the side of my mouth before pulling all the way back from me. I feel his group’s eyes on us and my whole body flushes and my heart rate quickens. I don’t love being the center of attention, but I know this was Lawson’s way of letting everyone know he’s off the market. Even better, he’s mine.
“Heading to class?”
I nod, still partially speechless.
“I’ll walk you.”
Lawson leads the conversation as we walk to my next class and when we arrive, he kisses me on the cheek, sending me off, letting me know he’ll text me this evening. My belly is laden with a stirring lust and I want to skip class for the first time and spend it with him anywhere but here. I don’t though. I attend class like the diligent student I am but am distracted throughout it. It’s a shame that Cher isn’t a law student because I could really use someone to share notes with.
When class ends, I plan to head back to my dorm and attempt to read the chapter we just reviewed since I wasn’t paying attention, but Finn meets me at the door.
“So, you and Lawson, huh?”
“Yeah, I guess. I don’t know what to think about it yet. I honestly thought he was leading me on until he pulled that stunt earlier.”
“I hope this doesn’t offend you, but I think we all did.”
I just nod my head. “Want to grab lunch? I need to study this afternoon but need to eat first.”
Finn agrees and we walk together toward the cafeteria. “Something feels different with him,” I blurt out to Finn. “I know you probably don’t need to know that, but I feel like it warrants saying. I haven’t felt this… I don’t know. Crazy? Before.”
He lets out a laugh. “That’s a good thing. I’m happy for y’all. Really. Lawson’s a lot to handle though. Prep yourself,” he warns with a wink and I return his sentiments with a gleeful smile.
~
When I get back to my dorm, Cher is already packing her bag to go home for Thanksgiving later this week. I had honestly forgotten about it because I hadn’t planned to return until Christmas to see Mama and Dad. She offers to let me tag along but I’m sure I’d just be uncomfortable and so I decline and let her know I just plan to get caught up on some of my papers that are due after the holiday.
Whatcha up to? My first text of the day from Lawson reads. It’s technically evening, but it lights me up inside and Cher rolls her eyes at me as she sees me practically squeal internally. I spilled everything to her and even though she’s mildly annoyed with her lust stricken roommate, she’s also fascinated with Lawson and his group of friends.
Studying
I’ll quiz you this weekend, he says.
You’re not going home for Thanksgiving? I ask him, surprised.
No, Mom and Dad usually come up here that is. They have some friends they meet up with the following day. Some of my dad’s old college buddies. But I’ll be free the weekend. Finn told me you were staying here?
I should know that as much as I like hanging out with Finn nothing is truly secret with him. He’s probably already told Lawson about my ridiculous ranting about him over lunch.
Yeah, I’ll be here. Just let me know.
You could come over on Thursday if you want.
His text surprises me. I already turned down one invite from Cher and I don’t really like conversing with strangers, it makes me uncomfortable and I’m reminded about Finn’s warning earlier today. This is Lawson, this is who he will always be and if I’m going to date him, I will have to get better at this part.
I have a brother your age. My phone pings again with his message and I can tell he’s trying to comfort me some and I have a feeling he’s going to be doing that a lot.
It’s no big deal. Don’t think of it as some big meet the parents. I know that’s fast… I just figured if you didn’t have other plans you might want to join us. I smile at my phone again and I have a feeling this is an annoying habit I’ll have to break.
Yeah, actually. That sounds fun. I huff out a breath. Shit. Fun? That doesn’t sound like fun, that sounds like a nightmare. I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m sure meeting the previous senator and his wife will be perfectly fine.
“You look like you’re going to throw up,” Cher observes.
“What? No, I’m fine.”
“Uh huh,” she replies unconvinced.
Good. Want to come over tomorrow? Just for a bit after class? My smile returns.
Duh, I tell him.
We’re going to have to work on your courtroom dialect Ms. Taylor. His playful tone excites me, and I can’t wait to get to know all sides of him.
I would never say that in the courtroom! Would you prefer a “sustained?”
That suits me quite well, Newbie. ;) See you tomorrow.
I decide not to respond to this last text and let him be the one to finish. Dating is hard. There are so many decisions and observations to be made but the butterflies in my stomach seem to be making up for it.
Both of my classes the next day are interesting, even hospital administration where we got put in groups and designed a process improvement project for the local hospital. Michael that I met at the party on Friday was in my group and he was able to lead the project since he’s interning at the hospital right now. I liked that we got to do a project that truly gets implemented in our society. It’s not just another lecture class or made-up project. We get to make decisions, a difference, and see it play out. Lawson is waiting for me when I get out of class and I don’t usually see him on my Tuesday, Thursday class schedule.
“Hey, how’d you know where I was?”
He shrugs his shoulders. “I made your schedule, remember?”
“You remember my classes and times?” I ask, shocked.
“Truthfully? No. I looked it up. Senior advisor has its perks.”
I laugh at him. “Is that allowed?”
“Let’s just say if anyone asks, you came by my closet of an office to ask about your schedule earlier today.” Of course, it’s not allowed, but that doesn’t seem to stop L
awson. “Come on, let’s go to my place. I’ll bring you back later.” He takes my hand and leads me to the parking lot, and I feel like I could follow him anywhere. He is an addiction and I am overdosing.
Lawson surprises me when we get back to his place by trying to cook me lunch. He follows a chicken pesto pasta recipe, but I can tell it’s not something he does very often because he burns the chicken and apologizes profusely. I don’t mind because I get out of classes late on these days and I’m starving. I notice that Grant isn’t home again, and I wonder if he’s in class. He wasn’t around much this past weekend either. I decide to ask Lawson.
“Where’s Grant hiding all the time?” I ask, popping a piece of the chicken in my mouth.
“Well, right now he’s in his criminal procedure class, I think. Unless he’s skipping to be with Lauren, some floozy he’s been hanging around lately, which is where he is the rest of the time. He’s been scarce since meeting her.”
“What makes her a floozy?” I inquire.
“You know, just the usual. She thinks it’s cute to play dumb, and it’s just not attractive. I prefer smart women… like you,” he says, and I give him a squinty eye letting him know I see his obvious ass-kissing ways. “Why? You got a crush on him or something? It’s his dancing, isn’t it? All the girls love a man that can move.” I laugh at him but before I know it, he’s pulled me away from the island I’m eating at and he’s twirling me around. “I’ll have you know I took ballroom as a teen. I can dance. I just don’t have much rhythm.” He shifts me from one spot to another across his kitchen floor and his ballroom skills are evident.
“Very impressive, Mr. Calhoun. I should have known you aren’t one to be outshined. Even on the dance floor.”
“Unless hip-hop comes on. Grant totally gets props for that one. I don’t know how he does it.”
“Well, everyone has their flaws.” I attempt to comfort him in a joking manner as he continues to move me in a square step pattern around the room, holding me close.
“Oh yeah? What’s yours?” he asks.
“I get bored easily. My mom calls me a serial hobbyist… but she usually says it in Turkish. I pick a focus. I accomplish it, and then I move on. Piano, soccer, photography. I had brief interests in all of them. Law and making a difference is the only thing I’ve been passionate about for years.”
“What makes you passionate about it?” He spins me around after asking and we return to our sway that we’ve settled into.
“When we moved from Turkey, there was a lawyer that helped us set up everything to make the transition. I remember her telling me everything her job entailed, some of the more serious immigration cases she had worked on and I was in such awe. We were an easy case for her since my dad is an American, it was just a matter of paperwork. She was gorgeous and I just remember thinking I wanted to be her so badly one day.”
“When you talk about your passions, I want to kiss you,” he confesses. “You’re smart and passionate, and I find that so unbelievably attractive. You’re gorgeous too. You’re going to be an excellent lawyer one day. You’ll reach your goal—you will be her… or better—”
I cut him off with my mouth. I climb his body, running my hands along his chest and shoulders. He doesn’t take any time returning the exploration, and he grips me under my bottom and lifts me up onto the closest countertop and I rake my hands through his tousled hair and wrap my legs around him, trapping him as close to me as I can get him. I’ve never had a man compliment my brain and drive in a sexier way and all I want is to be consumed by him. His lips run down my neck until they reach my collarbone and I brace myself against the cabinet behind me. My breathing is labored and I’m enjoying every single second that he marks me with his lips. His hands are stark still at my waist and I want them to roam my body.
“Tell me to stop,” he whispers. “Tell me or I won’t be able to.”
I don’t want to tell him anything. I want him to keep going but now that I’ve been given the option, I’m asking myself if what I really want is to take the next step, and I become nervous. I’m not ready to share that just yet, as much as the idea secretly excites me. I decide for my own self-preservation I should slow down. I won’t be able to look his parents in the eye on Thursday if I decide to let Lawson take me in the very kitchen that dinner will be served from.
“Let’s… take a break.” My voice comes out broken and I can barely get the words out.
He pulls away and places his hands on the counter outside my thighs and bends downward attempting to compose himself. I wonder momentarily what he’d feel like pressed against me without our clothes and I have to shake the thought so I don’t immediately change my mind.
I slide off the countertop and under his arm.
“Maybe we should watch a movie? Or we could study? Or we could go out and do something, get some fresh air? Anything?” I sound desperate to my own ears.
“A movie it is. Just, maybe sit on the other side of the couch from me.”
I suppress a smile, flattered but also agreeable to his request, a little space between us probably wouldn’t hurt.
I settle in and let Lawson choose the movie. He puts on The Departed and I recognize many of the actors but have never seen the movie. A few minutes in, he closes the gap between us on the couch and grabs my hand, holding it in his. He strokes his thumb across the back of mine. I look over to him, but his eyes stay trained on the TV. Small acts like this shouldn’t send me swooning but they do, and I feel an immense sensation of happiness warm over me. His affection, I could drown in it.
When the movie ends, I’m drawn into the plot and left feeling confused about the ending.
“Why didn’t they just call it ‘Everyone Dies?’”
“They kinda did,” he concludes and leans over to kiss me on my forehead. “Come on, I’ll take you back to the dorms.” I rant on the car ride about the movie and the million other ways it could have ended.
“You want good to win out. I love that about you. It’s the lawyer in you. You must know that’s not how it always happens though.”
“It should be,” I sass back as we pull up outside of my dorm.
“Yeah, it should be,” he agrees and looks over at me with a laugh in his eyes, it’s captivating.
“Want me to pick you up on Thursday? Or do you want to drive over? We usually eat lunch around one.”
“Pick me up?” I question. I think that will help with introductions and awkwardness. “Should I bring anything?” He shakes his head.
“We got it covered, Newbie.” His body leans in and he directs my lips to his with a finger under my chin. The kiss is soft and slow. I want to rush it, speed it up to match the rate my heart beats when he is near me, like we were earlier, letting our control slip, but I don’t because there’s something equally pleasant about the way he does this.
I struggle to get to sleep. I wish Cher were here to pepper me with questions or distract me, but I let my nerves get the best of me.
CHAPTER 11 – PAST
I struggle to find something to wear and again realize that I wish Cher were back or at least taking up residence in my brain. I eventually settle on a burgundy dress. It’s casual but looks nice on me. I turn on my phone to stream The Fray on Pandora and listen to sappy love songs that make me think of the awful musical episode in Grey’s Anatomy. By the time Lawson texts me that he’s outside my dorm, I’ve practiced breathing. I’m not sure what he has told his family and I’m too nervous to ask, so I’m just going to have to be very good at rolling with the punches today. Before I walk out the door, I look at myself confidently in the mirror and remind myself that lawyers deal with way more difficult things thrown at them all the time and I will be fine. With my lawyer face on, I head downstairs to meet him.
When I get into his tiny car, Lawson is dressed in jeans with a white button-down and grey vest. He looks incredibly handsome. His dark blond hair is tousled on top and I love the messy yet put-together look he’s rocking.
“You look great,” he says.
“Thanks.” I can’t help but smile at him. “You look good too.”
“Mom, Dad, and Reece arrived this morning. They had everything catered so they’re setting the table while I ran over here to get you. Hope you’re hungry.”
“I am. I skipped breakfast. Anything I should know about your family before we get there?” I pry, trying to get anything that might allow me to maintain a conversation.
“Dad’s recently retired from politics, but he’s still very involved. It was a partial retirement. He gave up campaigning, but that hasn’t kept him from controlling everything he can. Mom volunteers quite a bit. She raised us at home when we were younger but once we went to school, she got very active in domestic abuse issues and raising awareness for it.”
“That’s fascinating. I love women’s issues.” He smiles at me but keeps going. “Reece is my younger brother. He’s your age, a little bit younger. His birthday is in January. He’s in culinary school right now, but I think he’s almost done.”
“He’s in culinary school and y’all catered? Y’all should have had him up at the crack of dawn!” I joke.
Lawson’s eyes light up. “I’ll tell him you think so.”
When we pull up to the house moments later, I feel the nerves creeping back in and I take a deep breath and blow it out, regaining my composed façade.
Lawson walks in and I see his mother first, who is standing in the kitchen around the different foods talking to Reece who is already seated at the dinner table. I can only spot the back of his father’s head on the couch, watching football.
“We’re back. This is Farah everyone.”
“Oh hi, Farah. Welcome.” His mom heads over to us and I take in her dressy attire, fitted dress, and heels.
“Hi Mrs. Calhoun. It’s good to meet you.” I reach out and shake her hand.