by Devin Sawyer
“I had been drinking, yes. I hadn’t planned on kissing you, it was almost habit, even after all these years, you were leaving, a kiss just came naturally. I promise it has left me just as conflicted as it has you, if not more as I’m well aware I initiated it and I didn’t hate it and I don’t feel the guilt I know I should, which makes me feel fucking guilty.”
He’s rambling a little bit which is odd for Lawson. He’s composed and well-spoken all the time and I can tell he had not planned out how to explain his previous actions.
“Yeah, let’s just forget it,” I say, attempting to call a truce.
I get a small reluctant head nod, but eventually Lawson turns and rolls his luggage behind him into our bathroom. I turn the TV on to E! News to distract myself with the latest celebrity gossip. I dig through the Chinese set on the table and pick out a container and some chopsticks to eat before crashing into the couch. Before I’m even finished, my phone rings and Reece’s name flashes across my screen.
“Hey babe,” I say, sounding just as tired as I feel.
“Hey beautiful. Did you get my text about Lawson?”
“Yeah, he’s here now, showering.”
“I hate to be an ass, but do you think you can set him up in the spare bedroom? His message said they wouldn’t have the water fixed until next week and I’m not really for depriving the man of a nightly shower.”
A pause extends over the phone and I’m not sure how to respond.
“Does that make you uncomfortable? Be honest with me, I’m not trying to put you in a crappy situation. I’m just trying to help my brother out.”
“No it’s fine,” I lie. “If I get uncomfortable or it’s too weird, I’ll go stay at April’s for a few nights.” Which seems like the best option right now, but I’m too exhausted from my week to give her a play-by-play of everything that’s gone down lately and there is no way she’s letting me off without a full rundown.
“I think he leaves Friday, I’ll be home that evening and I promise to make it up to you.”
“You owe me so big. I’ll get Lawson set up here and let you know if I decide to crash April’s place. Everything go okay with the restaurant plans?”
Reece jumps into telling some of the newer details of the day and about his growing partnership with Paul. When I hear the water shut off in Lawson’s shower, I hang up with him and wait for Lawson to emerge from the bathroom.
When the bathroom door opens, I find Lawson standing in the hall wearing grey sweats hung low on his hips and a T-shirt molded to his chest. It’s a stray from his usual suit and tie attire and it reminds me of the way his body looked that day he was running on the beach. His body more hardened now than it had been when we were together.
“Thanks for the shower. I’m going to head back,” he says, walking toward me still sitting on the couch picking at my Chinese food.
“I talked to Reece. You can crash in the spare bedroom back there for the next couple days. Call and cancel your hotel. You don’t need to be paying for a place that doesn’t have running water.”
His eyes look wary, like he’s not sure what to say next. “It’s fine. I’m sure they’ll work to get our rooms moved to other levels as soon as they can.”
“And when they don’t, because this is Portland and your hotel doesn’t have any vacancies, especially as we get closer to the weekend, you will either start to smell or just end up back over here tomorrow.”
“I don’t want to put you out… or make you uncomfortable. I promise I’m trying to pretend you’re just Reece’s girlfriend, but it feels impossible when I actually look at you. When I take you in, you still look like mine… just in scrubs now.” He gestures to my work clothes.
“Just stay. I spoke to Reece about it, it’s fine.”
I stand and go to grab the luggage he had been pulling behind him and I stroll back down the hall, placing it in the spare bedroom at the end of the hall across from our room. He follows behind me and despite his usual air of confidence, his shoulders look stiff and uncomfortable. I walk out of the room, leaving him there but return in moments.
“Here’s a key to the apartment, in case you leave after me or get home before me tomorrow. I don’t need the neighbors thinking I let a well-dressed homeless man move in by watching you sit outside our door.” He takes the key from my hand. “I’m going to bed, I had a long day at the hospital, help yourself to anything in the kitchen. There’s still Chinese sitting out if you want some and you’re welcome to take over the TV out there, just don’t turn it up too loud.”
“Thank you,” he says, looking me in the eyes.
“Yeah, sure. It’s nothing.” I wave it off and turn to leave.
Once in the comfort of my room, I close the door behind me and feel a little better by the separation it puts between Lawson and me. I want to crawl straight into bed, but instead I head into our bathroom and turn the water on, twisting the knob until I know it’s set to what Reece likes to call the ‘burn-your-flesh-off’ setting.
You still look like mine, he had said. It felt personal but honest when he said it and because I could hear the slight break in his voice, I didn’t want to condemn him for his honesty. Maybe what we both needed is just to be a whole lot more honest about the situation we were in.
It had been five years, but when I looked at Lawson, he still looked like ‘mine’ too. It was hard to explain, like a familiarity with someone that never goes away, like he would never not be mine. It was likely easier for me. I had Reece, I had someone who replaced the romantic feelings that would be easy to bring back for Lawson, easy to just want to pick up where things left off. Lawson didn’t have that. He hadn’t found what I had in Reece. Maybe he hadn’t tried, maybe he wasn’t interested. I let myself wonder these things as the hot water runs over me until it turns cold. I step from the shower and burrow myself into my bed. I decide it’s best to just unblock Lawson’s number while he’s here in case he needs something and cut him some slack. I type out a text to Reece despite how late it has to be by now on the east coast.
I miss you. Can’t wait for you to come home.
I set the phone on the nightstand and just as sleep is about to take me, my phone buzzes on the table.
I miss your lips, and your warm, tan skin. I miss your obnoxious morning routine where you have to get up and check the weather every morning even if you know what it’s going to be. I miss the way you push your ass up against me in bed and I cannot wait to get home to you.
~
The ER is surprisingly slow on Wednesday. There is a storm pouring down rain and the whole city is staying inside. April and I even have time to play a game of cards while we wait for patients. I guess now is as good a time as ever to get her caught up.
“So Lawson is in town.”
“Oh?”
“He was staying downtown but the water at his hotel went out and so now he’s kind of crashing at our apartment.”
She places her cards down, not even bothering to hide her hand from me. “Wait a minute. Isn’t Reece in New Jersey or New York or something?”
“Yeah, it wasn’t planned or anything and it all kind of happened last night and I didn’t really get the chance to make plans around it or you know I would have.”
I don’t tell her about the kiss. I am too worried about what her reaction will be if I tell her about the kiss and also I have been busy worrying about Reece’s contract and working longer hours and I haven’t had a minute to really analyze what the heck is going on. I have a minute now, but I just don’t want to now. I want to continue pretending around everyone else that it just never happened because I can’t assess why or how it happened and how I feel about it and why I didn’t tell Reece, and why I still let Lawson crash at our place. Being the only one to know the whole story is lonely and exhausting. Of course, Lawson knows too, but it’s not exactly like we are going to gather around and approach the topic any more than what we did last night. Ceasefire declared. Pretend it never happened. I was really ski
lled at pretending things never happened.
“I thought about calling you but truthfully, I was exhausted, and I went to bed almost immediately after he got there.”
“Is it awkward?” she asks, with a slight grin on her face, and I can tell she is somewhat enjoying the odd predicament I’ve been put in
“I mean, I just saw him that whole time we were in Charleston, but yes, being with him in my apartment that I live in with his brother, is totally fucking awkward.”
“How is Reece? Does he even know?” she asks like it’s the latest in a celebrity gossip column.
“Of course he knows, I talked to him about it last night. I don’t know. Reece is better at making the whole I-dated-your-brother situation seem like it’s not a big deal. He checks in on me and how I feel about things but none of it seems to bother him.”
“You do realize the only reason he’s so good at that is because you shoved it in his face for so long when he first moved out here that if he admitted it was a big deal or even slightly awkward you would have never dated him, right? He only does that so you won’t panic and split on him the same way you did his brother.”
Shit. That was deep. Did Reece think I was going to up and relocate again? He never told me that.
“Fuck,” I mutter, not knowing what else to say.
“Well, crash at my place if you want,” she offers, and I give her a small nod and we return to our card game as I pretend I didn’t just look at every card in her hand. I can run home and grab my pajamas and scrubs for tomorrow then meet her back at her apartment.
Despite the slow day at the ER, I’m not quite ready to leave when my shift is up, and I busy myself trying to find work to be done. Usually I would have raced home but knowing that Lawson is likely already back at the apartment I don’t want it to be awkward when I randomly go round up a bag to stay at April’s.
When I absolutely can’t avoid it any longer, I grab my purse from the small staff room and head to my car. On the short route home, I devise a plan to stealthily sneak into my own apartment and grab a few items for work the next day all while managing to not see Lawson at all or using as few words as possible before exiting.
When I unlock the door, I find there is no hiding. Lawson sits front and center on my living room couch, still dressed in his suit and tie, eating dinner, his laptop open, with the TV on in the background.
“Hey. I brought dinner again. I hope you haven’t eaten. Beef shawarma and a Greek salad. It’s amazing actually. Picked it up from this little Mediterranean place next to the senator’s office.”
I know the place he’s talking about. They do have great food. Reece sometimes drops it off for me at the hospital before he heads into the restaurant. I move to set down my purse on the kitchen table and the heavenly scent of the food smells amazing. I consider staying just to eat. Lawson proceeds to return to his laptop, typing out what I’m sure is some political email or policy, but breaking periodically to look up at the TV screen. I follow his gaze.
“Holy shit. Are you watching season thirteen of Grey’s without me?” I ask accusingly.
“I didn’t, I mean I wasn’t… I was going to put it back on the episode you were on, but I didn’t expect you back this early. You got home later yesterday, and I thought I could finish this episode and I just didn’t want to start a new show on your Netflix and have it always advertise to you if you want to continue watching it when you never even watched it, and so I just picked something y’all were already watching.” He finally finishes the longest run-on sentence in history, and I narrow my gaze at him.
“You like this show, don’t you?”
“That’s ridiculous. It’s merely background noise while I try to finish some work on my laptop.”
“Just admit you like the damn show.”
“I won’t,” he says smugly, but a small smile lifts at his lips and it’s a dead giveaway.
“You’re so busted. Scoot over and let me watch too before you get too far ahead.” I roll my eyes dramatically at him and grab the to-go box of the dinner he brought home before finding a spot on the other end of the couch.
The food tastes as amazing as it always does. I groan, a sound of pleasure filling my throat. Lawson’s eyes lift from his laptop and he watches me.
“Sorry,” I say catching myself. “This tastes incredible. I usually order the gyro.”
“Is that how you say it?” he asks. “I never know. I always hear people pronouncing it different. Euro, jyroe, geero. I never order it because I’m not sure which is correct.”
“I’m not entirely sure gyro,” pronouncing it like euro, “is entirely correct either. I just copied what the waitress said to me once,” I admit.
We return to watching the show and despite Lawson’s best attempts at doing his work, I catch him continuously looking up at the TV to follow the story.
“Just give up already.”
“Fine. I concede. I like the dang show. It’s not like I watch it in my spare time, but I don’t exactly change the channel if it’s on. The story lines are good.” He shuts his laptop, no longer making an attempt.
“Told ya!”
“So what’s happening here with Owen and Amelia. These two have no chemistry.”
I launch into a dramatic agreement with his last statement and work to catch him up on all the story lines happening this season.
“Alright, then… time for a check-in. Who is your favorite Grey’s couple ever?”
“Denny and Izzie. Duh.”
“Still? Are you serious? There’s been like forty-two other romances since them!”
“They are timeless. I’m still mad that Izzie went bat shit crazy.”
“Oh my God. I just put it together.”
What?
“That’s why you went into nursing, isn’t it? This show? Really? It’s hardly even medical.”
“I did not go into nursing because of this show. If that was the case, I would have switched my major to pre-med and just finished school with Cher.”
“That would have required you to stick around,” he says it playfully, but I don’t doubt there is venom in his intent.
“Yes, well I didn’t want to be a doctor. Not to mention now that I am a nurse, I can see all the flaws in the reality of this show. I watch it for the drama between the characters.”
“That’s why you want the clinic though, isn’t it? You want your own Denny Duquette Memorial Clinic, don’t you?”
This part I am guilty of. This show is where I saw there were different ways to help those that needed it most. It plays on your emotions, and I saw the power I could have in the medical world, rather than the legal one. I must not respond quickly enough because Lawson responds before I do.
“I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. In fact, for once I understand it. I never got why or how you made the switch from one degree to the other. Now I do. I get you just a little better and there’s something reassuring about it. Like all the unanswered questions and extra puzzle pieces I have in my head about all those years ago and suddenly I just put one of those pieces in place.”
He’s smiling and I appreciate that he finds some comfort in the answer, a comfort that I can’t provide him and answers that I can’t figure out how to convey… but here, just sitting here, we figured it out and I wonder if we gave it enough time, if together we would figure out how to work past all the stuff that happened.
My phone buzzes and I reach for it, seeing April’s name flash on the screen. Shit. I forgot I was planning to go over there.
Still coming? I can order us dinner.
I actually think I’m okay. With the latest revelation, it might be good for Lawson and me to talk like two human beings and not two exes.
No. I think I’ll just head straight to bed. I click send and almost immediately get a reply.
Message me if you need anything.
I turn off the screen and place my phone back on the coffee table.
“You haven’t exactly
mentioned what you’re doing out here anyway. You’re running in South Carolina. What’s Oregon got to do with that?”
“Well for starters, money. You know that. You aren’t new to the politics game. But also Senator Grover is someone I want on my side. His buy-in on my campaign was important and I’ve spent most of the week pitching my plans to him in hopes he sends money and more supporters my way. In exchange, I basically agree to some of his own pushes in policy and agree to throw my votes his way, if elected.”
“How’s that going?” I ask genuinely interested. “Are you selling your soul?”
He laughs lightheartedly at that. “I think we are making headway. I’ve had to make a few agreements that I might not have done myself but it’s the sacrifice one makes to be able to make their own laws and policies.”
“It’s crooked,” I say bluntly.
“It’s business,” is all he says in return. I return my focus to the TV show, no longer wanting to talk about his run as senator. It feels skeezy. After a minute, I decide to break the awkward silence.
“Who’s your favorite couple? I know you have one.”
“I don’t keep up with the show enough to have a favorite. But I will say that Meredith’s younger sister… what was her name?”
“Lexi.”
“Yeah her. She’s freaking hot. So maybe her and Mark…”
“They are a good choice.”
“How come they aren’t on this season?”
“You don’t want to know. Your heart can’t handle it.”
Lawson rolls his eyes at my dramatics, but for real, I had recovery issues after that season.
“Is this what you do on girl’s nights? Talk about epic loves and best couples?”
“Maybe. Don’t act like you’re not enjoying it,” I tease.
“Life isn’t always a love story, Newbie,” he says, using my nickname.
“You’re wrong. It may not be one fleeting moment after another, the way it’s portrayed in a one-hour episode or two-hour film, but life is a love story, at least it should be.” I can tell he’s taking in what I just said. “So what do you do on boy’s nights? What do y’all talk about?”