Up For Debate (Love and Desire Book 1)

by Devin Sawyer

  “Damnit Lawson, you can’t just kiss me like that,” I say, breathing deeply, and with anger.

  “Like what?” he asks, also breathing heavy. His annoyance with me is evident. “You’re not trying, Farah. You’re only giving me part of you and that’s not fair. I’m not blind, I can see you have the same draw to me that I still have to you, so stop playing games.”

  “This isn’t a game, Lawson. You are only getting part of me because that’s all I have to give. I have a really good man at home, and yeah, I’m confused but there isn’t an ‘all of me’ to give you.”

  He leans in and rushes his mouth to my own again. It’s forceful and passionate, but quick.

  “Let go already, Farah. Give this a fucking real chance or you’re never going to know.” His voice is firm, but not shouting.

  “You have no idea what this is like for me,” I spit back at him. I have tears threatening to break through, but I attempt to hold them back.

  “Just try, Farah. Try a little harder to give me a piece of you. We may only have this week.” At that, he walks off to his own room and slams the door behind him.

  I shower and change into my pajamas, all while fuming about the line that Lawson crossed. Except part of me knows there was no line. It’s been blurred from the second I agreed to stay in the same hotel as him, since I had dinner with him, since I let him hold my hand, since I let him talk about running away. Nothing about our situation is clear, all the lines have been blurred and I should probably just walk away before I risk any real amount of heartbreak. I have healed from that loss once, at least I think. Falling in love again, did mean I was over Lawson, didn’t it? Suddenly the answer to that seemed less clear, like it was possible to still be in love with him but move on in order to protect myself. Lawson’s own frustration is justified, but I can’t control the way I want him to touch me and kiss me and yet every time he does, all I can do is think about how badly I’m hurting Reece. It’s not fair that I am putting out mixed signals and I suddenly feel bad for the way I have made Lawson feel in the wrong for our actions, like he is solely responsible for our actions and as if I’ve played no role in leading him on.

  With sleep looking grim until I clear my thoughts, I stand from my bed and walk lightly across the large suite until I find Lawson’s door. I listen at the door, trying to determine if he’s still awake, feeling as tortured by his thoughts as I am.

  I don’t hear anything behind the door and I’m sure he’s locked up and gone to bed. I rest my hand on the knob of his door, pushing down, seeking the resistance of a locked door, but never finding it as the door creaks open. Lawson, lies shirtless in his bed, reading something on his phone. He’s wearing glasses that I’ve never seen him sport in public and I wonder when he needed a prescription for glasses or contacts. He places his phone down and looks up at me when he realizes my presence.

  “Sorry, I just…” I trail off. I walk over to him at the bed and sit down by his feet, it’s easier this way because I’m not staring at his beautiful tanned chest. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for making this seem like it’s your issue. It’s our issue, and I’m just struggling with accepting that responsibility. My guilt is preventing me from feeling everything like I want to.”

  I peer over to Lawson and he’s nodding his head in full understanding with his lips pursed. “I feel it too, but I think we owe these few days to ourselves. You’re allowed to go back and be angry at yourself, at me, and our situation all you want when you return, but for the next two days, I need you to forget about it.”

  “I’ll try,” I say softly.

  “Just take it one moment at a time.” He sits up and scoots down the bed to be nearer to me and I can feel the heat coming off his bare skin. His hand pushes my hair from the side of my face to behind my ear and trails it down my back.

  “I’d like to try something.”

  “Sure, whatever you think will work,” he agrees, blindly.

  “Kiss me again. I want to try it over, knowing it’s coming this time.”

  He nods his head at me but doesn’t smile or give me any cocky gesture that I would normally expect to hear from him, he just moves in closer to me, until I feel intoxicated by his scent. The tip of his nose reaches my own, and he rests his forehead to mine. His breath smells minty as if he just brushed his teeth and my breathing seems to quicken with him delaying what I know is about to happen. His warm breath on my skin tingles and the moment feels sexually intimate despite my being fully dressed. Well, clad in pajamas at least.

  When his lips finally dip to touch mine, I feel like he made me wait an eternity when it was likely only a few mere seconds. His lips are soft and warm and the second he licks my bottom lip a zip of excitement races through my body and I become even more alert to his movements. He wraps one arm around my waist, pulling me in close, and the other cradles my neck as he lifts me farther onto the bed, never removing his mouth from mine. His tongue prods at my mouth, and I don’t overthink it when I decide to open and let him in. Lawson lays me on my back and leans over me. A low groan releases from him and I can’t deny how badly it turns me on.

  I pull away and the sound of our labored breathing fills the room.

  “Don’t overthink it.”

  “I’m not,” I tell him honestly. The only thing I’m thinking about is if he will kiss me again. I want him to, but I also am not sure how this is supposed to go. Do we pace ourselves? We only have a few days together.

  “Come to the top of the bed with me. Get under the covers.”

  I do as he says and Lawson pulls me into his chest, resting my head on his shoulder. The position feels familiar, my body still remembering the way I fit next to his. Part of me just wants to be comforted and I let Lawson do that for me.

  He lifts my chin and kisses me again, this time softly, but still expertly using his tongue. I’m tempted to grind myself on his thigh to relieve any of the pressure I feel between my legs at the moment. I don’t. Instead of pushing me further, he pulls my head to his chest, and just holds me, putting a pause to the desire filtering through us. I try to steady my breathing with Lawson’s and despite the excitement I just felt, I eventually find sleep.

  CHAPTER 24 – PRESENT

  My alarm makes an obnoxiously loud beeping sound and I lean toward the noise, searching for the device to turn it off. Everything is wrong. My phone isn’t where it’s supposed to be, and I’m forced to actually open my eyes to find it. Lawson’s heavy arm drapes across my midsection and when I turn it off, I lie back down for a second. His body is nuzzled into my own and his hand makes its way sleepily up to my chest, finding my breast through my silken night tank. My nipple peaks instantly at the feel of his heavy hands and I clear my throat to wake Lawson.

  He groans from behind me and scoots in closer and grinds up against my ass and I can feel his hard shaft through his sweatpants.

  “Yep, that’s my cue,” I say, jumping from the bed and gathering space between us.

  “Shit, sorry,” he says. “I wasn’t thinking.”

  “I get it, you’re a guy… and it’s morning,” I let him know. “I’m going to go get ready for my conference.”

  He nods his head and I can tell he still isn’t fully awake.

  “Hey,” he says before I walk out of his room. “Everything okay? Between us I mean?”

  “Yeah,” I let him know, for once trying to mean it.

  “Okay. I’ll see you tonight.”

  I try to lose myself in the conference material. With the projects we are assigned, it’s easy to do. The work is demanding of my attention and it gives me very little time to focus on my personal life, which is working to my advantage this week. I receive a call from Reece on my lunch break but am eating with a few of the other nurses from the conferences and picking their brains about their cities, programs, and future goals. One of the women from New Jersey runs a non-profit clinic for indigent patients and I’m fascinated by what I am learning from her experience. I text Reece back
letting him know why I can’t answer, and he sends back a thumbs-up emoji.

  When I return from lunch, I choose a seat next to Gina, the New Jersey nurse, and on our breaks, I pick her brain about her clinic. I want to know the struggles she faces on a day-to-day basis to try and predict those same things within our hospital. Some of the stuff she tells me is state law that may vary in Oregon. I jot down notes to do a search on our own laws when I get back home. When the session finally ends for the day, I’m not exhausted at all. I’m invigorated and on the drive back to the hotel, I start putting together a pitch for a business plan with some of the tools I’ve learned so far.

  When I get back to the hotel, I walk in to find Lawson typing on his laptop, but rather than his standard suit, he’s sporting jeans and a polo shirt. He never wears casual clothing anymore. He looks like he did when we were in college and for a second, I’m transported back in time to when we both lived more carefree lives. Adulting blows. I miss being with friends all day and my only responsibility was going to class and getting my homework completed. I wouldn’t have called that life easy, but it was more challenging in a fun way, and less monotonous. Adulthood is monotonous.

  “Hey, I thought we might go get a bite to eat somewhere.”

  “I kind of felt all inspired after the conference today. I was going to work on a proposal for a business plan,” I tell him, feeling a little bad I had forgotten he would likely have plans for us.

  “Well, I’m a businessman. Why don’t you tell me your plans over dinner?”

  “You’re a lawyer,” I state blankly.

  “Who is running for office, that requires balancing a budget and drawing up policies that affect a state and nation. I’ve had a lot of practice with business plans.”

  “Fine, fair enough. Let me just change.”

  I head to my room and grab a pair of jeans but leave on the sweater I wore with my slacks to work. I rarely get to wear my business attire as I spend most of my week in scrubs and have enjoyed getting a little more spruced up this week.

  I tell Lawson about what I learned this week and how it applies to running a medical clinic. I give him a rundown of what I want to do with our clinic at the hospital and what changes I would make to how it’s currently run.

  When he points out a flaw in my plan, I feel a little frustrated with him. He mentioned I’ve added an additional full-time position that there isn’t currently funding for, and while my plan does allow for the clinic to create more income, it’s not doing it at a fast enough rate to pay an additional nursing salary. He mentions it kindly enough but something about it rubs me the wrong way and I ask myself if I’m mad at him or the situation.

  “After two years you might be able to afford that position, but until then I don’t see it working out for you.”

  “I need that position to make the clinic run though. I can’t work with what is currently there. Half the days the clinic is closed due to staffing. It’s not making any money on those days.”

  “It’s not making money because indigent services aren’t built to make money. You need to take a look at what their current output is. I know you don’t have access to that but you’re trying to build a business plan without knowing where spending is currently going. You can have all these great plans, but if you don’t start there, you will fail every time.”

  I don’t like being wrong in front of Lawson and it pisses me off nonetheless as he managed to crush my dreams and prove me wrong in one little statement.

  I move onto other topics not wanting to divulge any more to him once we arrive at the restaurant. He’s picked a casual diner that he says has five-star reviews online and reports the best burger this side of the Mississippi.

  He orders a beer while we wait for our dinner and I have a glass of wine. Lawson prods me with a few questions about Portland. He wants to know more about our friends there and about the hospital where I finished my degree. The conversation has returned to normal and I’m trying to not hold a grudge toward him due to his earlier observation of my plans. Lawson is planning to do this for a living, and he is really good at organizational management. I should really take his advice and use it to help me when I return. I make a mental note to submit a request to see the budget for the clinic when I get back.

  The burgers we both ordered arrive, and the meat is dripping grease onto the plate, a slab of cream cheese sits atop the patty and it’s coated with bacon and jalapenos. It does look amazing. We both ignore our fries and dig into it first.

  “Oh my God. That’s good,” I remark.

  “That’s what she said,” Lawson retorts. He can’t honestly be running for senator, can he? “Don’t be judgy. I can see you being judgy over there. You know that was still funny.”

  I roll my eyes at him. “This burger is amazing,” I tell him, ignoring his comments.

  “I told you this place had good reviews. I personally like the thick slab of cream cheese. It’s way better than sliced cheese.”

  “It’s fucking heaven,” I say with a full mouth and Lawson laughs at my lack of manners.

  An obnoxious loud ringing goes off and Lawson palms his cell phone on the table, silencing it as he picks it up to check the caller ID.

  “I need to take this,” he alerts me and excuses himself from the table as I continue to stuff my face.

  Lawson paces over by the restaurant diner entrance as he talks on the phone. His face is scrunched into a serious contemplation as if he’s just been told he has to make a difficult decision. At some point, I see him pinch the bridge of his nose and his shoulders slump. His stress with the conversation he’s having is evident. When he still hasn’t returned to the table when I’ve finished my meal, I motion over to our waiter and he returns with our check and a to-go container. I box everything up and walk over to where Lawson still stands, pacing. I hand him his food, and motion for him to follow behind me as I walk to the car. I can hear him discussing standings in the campaign and different strategies they plan to use at his upcoming rallies. I assume the person on the other end of the line is someone from his team. I drive us back to the hotel and Lawson continues babbling on. The longer the call lasts, the more irritated I become. Could he not have put the call off thirty minutes to have dinner and taken it once he returned? I remind myself that this is Lawson’s life. This is what I would sign up for. On a normal workday, I may not even be home on the nights he is. He has to have considered this same thing. He finally ends the call and for a moment, our rental car is filled with silence.

  “Sorry, that was Jason,” he says as if that’s a justified explanation.

  “Mmhmm.”

  “Don’t be like that, Farah,” he says with a voice that sounds all too familiar.

  “I’m not being like anything, Lawson,” I quip back. “I’m just recognizing that at some point we have to return to our normal lives and we’re here, playing out a scenario that isn’t real. It doesn’t matter if we still have something because we lead different lives now. You’re going to have to work insane hours and take calls whenever they arise and I’m not mad at that, despite what you may think. I’m an adult and I realize that’s your job, and that’s what it requires of you. I just also happen to remember that I never liked the idea of waiting around for you to come home to me.”

  “Oh that’s rich,” he scoffs. “Come the fuck on, Farah. You work three twelve-hour shifts a week. For half the week, you don’t even exist. You work weekends, sometimes nights, and you too get called in to work on days you aren’t scheduled. Don’t patronize me about work schedules.”

  I throw the car in park, finally reaching our hotel. I get out of the car, slamming the door before locking it and marching to the elevator with Lawson quick on my heels. We pass a few onlookers who likely think we are merely having a lover’s quarrel. Once we both are inside the lift, my breathing has escalated and my frustration with his inability to see our incompatibility intensifies.

  “That’s exactly why we should not be testing the waters o
n a reconciliation. Between your schedule and mine, we’ll merely be passing ships in the night. Why the fuck would we sign up for that?”

  “Because we’re too exhausted from trying not to. That’s fucking why. It takes real effort on both our parts to stay away,” he practically shouts back at me. The elevator arrives at our suite and we step out into the comfort of our hotel. Only nothing about it seems inviting at the moment.

  “That’s why we live across the damn country from each other! So we don’t have to fucking try!”

  “Is that why you stay in Portland? Because it’s the farthest you could get from me? Why didn’t you just go back to fucking Turkey then?” he spits and part of me wants to reach out and slap him.

  “You’re disgusting. It’s no wonder you never pulled the trigger on any of your foreign affairs policies when interning for Senator Brockton. You’re only posing as someone that gives a fuck about the immigrants in the country.”

  I move to stomp past him and lock myself in my bedroom, but he firmly grasps my arm before I get very far.

  “Stop playing at that. You know this has absolutely nothing to do with my political views and everything to do with us.” He pulls me in closer to him and we are almost nose to nose. “There is chemistry here that can’t be denied. You know it. I know it. And we are just dancing around it. I’m done with that. If you’re going to be with Reece, I’m not going to make it easy for you anymore. I’m not just going to sit quietly in another time zone while you play house with my brother. This is real and I’m not done exploring what we have left.”

  His voice is still dripping with anger and he hauls me in for a rough kiss. It’s messy. His lips press hard into my own, his tongue is desperate, and yet I feel my nipples peak and my whole body light up when he does this. My skin pebbles, as he draws his hands down my neck until they reach my breasts. I reach up to wrap my arms around his neck and push up so that they fill his hands and the way he tweaks at my nipples through my clothing has me biting back a hiss. Fuck, I shouldn’t like this as much as I do.