by Devin Sawyer
The idea of that seems impossible right now with him inside of me, and I push the thought to the back of my mind and I rub my hand down my body until I find my clit and I graze it lightly, and then harder, wanting the tingling in my body just under the surface to come alive and explode. I can feel it building and I moan out and throw my head back as I inch closer to it.
Lawson reaches up and tweaks at my nipples and the sensation heightens and I cry out again.
“Do you remember our first time?” he asks me, but his voice is deep and tortured. “And what about the time at the beach? Or after we told each other we loved each other? Do you remember how good we were together? How our bodies fucking light up around each other? Just looking at you makes me fucking hard. Your body was made for mine.”
His memories paint me a picture of a volatile time when passion led my life. It wasn’t always healthy, but it was fucking exciting. I begin to feel myself pulse around him and the sensation grows until I’m crying out around him. He pistons into me harder, giving me the extra pressure I needed and my whole body contracts as my orgasm takes me over.
When my body finally goes slack, I exhaust out a, “Fuck. That was so good. I just came so hard.”
His smirk tells me he loves that. He drops his phone then and leans over me again, thrusting into me faster. “Your perfect pussy is going to make me come so har—” He doesn’t finish the last word before a growl explodes from his chest and his body tightens.
Afterward, he lies there, holding me and we are both silent for another ten minutes. I need to get up. I need to pack my bag. I’m going to be late for the conference if I don’t get moving, but I’m scared to break this moment.
“I have to go,” I whisper.
He nods his head, but there’s an emotion on his face I’m having trouble reading. Pissed? Frustrated? Reluctant? I’m not sure.
“I’m going to go pack. I’ll come find you before I leave.”
I stand and reluctantly head to my room and pack up my suitcase. I get dressed, throw my hair up because I don’t have time to fix it, and send a text to my dad letting him know I’ll be there this evening. When I can’t find anything else to be done, I do one more final sweep of my room and bathroom and notice I’m procrastinating. I don’t want to leave. I can’t wait to see my parents, I can’t wait to get back to Reece, and yet I don’t want to leave. The realization makes the situation that much more difficult.
When I finally roll my suitcase to the door, I see Lawson head over to where I’m standing.
He kisses me immediately, and it is deep and hungry, and I feel everything he is trying to show me. I know it hurts again.
“When can I see you again?” he asks when he pulls away, resting his forehead to mine. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that. I’m not ready to make this call.
“I don’t know, Lawson. I’m not even sure if we can.”
“What does that mean? You don’t know if we can? Farah, we just spent the last three and a half days together and made love back there. Do you not remember that?” he says, frustrated.
“Just because we are drawn to each other doesn’t give us the right to have an affair. I have to return to my life, even if I decide it’s just for a little bit, so I’m not going to promise anything until I return. I need you to understand that.”
“Are you picking him?” he asks and the tone in his voice is clear. He’s pissed with me. What happened this morning gave him the idea that I was choosing him and that’s not his fault, that wasn’t my intention, but I can’t be mad that’s what he took from it.
“Don’t ask me that. It’s not fair. I don’t know what I’m fucking doing. I just have to go back. I’ll talk to you in a few days.”
“You should let me love you.” He says it like it’s a dare, and I feel it in my soul.
“You don’t know how to love just me.”
He sighs and I can feel his anxious frustration. “You should let me try.”
A sigh from me this time, it feels like we are going in circles.
“Can you tell him? Can you go back, and I’ll put you up in a hotel until we can get things figured out?” He’s grasping for any kind of confirmation from me, his desperation hurts me.
“Oh you mean like the hotel you stayed in where the water went out? Was that story even legit?”
He shakes his head but doesn’t look ashamed.
“I should’ve known.”
“I’m not sorry for that, Farah. The trip wasn’t a farce. I did have business to do there, but with Reece out of town, I just felt like I wanted to get to know you again, without him being there. I felt like I deserved that.” He’s not wrong. He was entitled to that, but unfortunately, it’s led us here and the mess we are currently in. “I haven’t felt like this… shit, I don’t feel like this unless I’m with you. At least admit that this isn’t all on me. There is still something here.”
“There is,” I confirm. “I don’t think that kind of connection ever fades. I feel it too. I felt it all week with you. I feel it now. I feel it just thinking about you. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love Reece. It’s not one or the other and I’m going to figure that out, but I refuse to make that decision right here, right now, while I’m still sore from being freshly fucked by you.”
“I love you,” he blurts, and I’m surprised. Lawson rarely blurts anything, he’s controlled if nothing else, and he looks upset that he’s revealed it. “Fuck, Farah. I still fucking love you.”
I reach up and run my hand along his face, to his chest. “I have missed you and when I walk out of this hotel room, I will miss you the second I’m gone. But you don’t love me, Lawson. We still have a lot of catching up to do with who we are now. We just don’t know how to stay away from each other. I can’t be in a room with you and not want to touch you and not think about you. I am drawn to you in a way that I can’t explain, but that is not necessarily love.”
“Don’t demean my feelings by telling me what you think I feel, dammit.” His voice is hard.
I take in a deep breath not knowing where to go with it from here.
“I have to go. I’ll call you.”
I lean in to kiss him on the cheek, but he stops me and moves his lips to mine, slowly and softly, holding my face. His tongue makes magic with mine and I feel his loss the second he pulls back.
“I’ll be waiting.” He tells me and at that, I walk out the door.
~
I spend the rest of the weekend in a haze. The last day of the conference is only a half day and I work on auto-pilot. I drive my car the four and a half hours up to my parents’ place and feel slightly better when Mom holds me for too long once I’ve arrived. Dad cooked us dinner and we eat together at the dinner table, and I catch them up on my job, Reece’s new job, and our lives in Portland. I leave out the trip back to Charleston in September and any details about Lawson.
They remember what I was like during that time. They remember how badly I hurt over him and the way Mom held me when I would be upset that he would duck out last minute from my trips back home. Lawson only met my parents once. They had come up to Charleston for a weekend and he made one dinner with them. I was frustrated he hadn’t been around more. They ask about my relationship with Reece, we’ve been together for a few years and I can tell they want to ask if we plan to get married or start having children soon. I avoid it for now, feeling less sure than ever what the future holds for us.
I spend Saturday shopping with Mom and that evening I watch a Falcon’s game with Dad. The trip doesn’t feel long enough, and I leave them Sunday morning to fly back to Portland. I’ve spoken to Reece but mostly through texting and just updating the other on our days. I board my flight and for the first time since I left the hotel room, I have to face my actions and reflect on the decisions I made, and what it all means.
CHAPTER 25 – PAST
Lawson and I have been doing our best to return to normal after our Christmas break spat. Being back on campus all the time help
s as our schedule overlaps a little more. He has less free time having started his internship at Weldon & Pierce this week, but at least we are in the same city again. Lawson mentions that his dad is familiar with both partners of the corporation that he is interning at, but Lawson says he has yet to meet them as the intern. I can tell Lawson is taking his role seriously, which is a shift in his previous carefree attitude when it came to attending classes, but I can appreciate that he’s dedicated to his new role.
I’ve made an effort to do more things with Cher to fill my extra time and I debate picking up an internship as well for the sake of brushing up my resume. My classes this semester are going well. Lawson had signed me up for them before the school break and I’ve been spending my extra alone time this semester studying. I typically only get to see Lawson on the weekends now, but we have plans to go out tonight to dinner and then spend the rest of the night in. Lawson says he wants to know how my classes are going and offers to take a look at what we are studying so he can help me but every week so far, he’s been so exhausted from his internship that we never get around to it. Physically, things have slowed some too and on Fridays when he gets home, he’s usually too beat to be interested in anything sexually, but by Saturday he’s typically back to himself and I often wake up to him thrusting against me.
Our dinner goes well. I can see the exhaustion setting in on Lawson and he doesn’t talk a whole lot, but he listens to me talk about my week and even the guy that Cher went on a date with. The food is delicious, and we take a slice of cake to go with the intention to take it back to his place and have it later. Lawson tells me that the guys are going out for Grant’s birthday tomorrow night and I agree to meet them at the bar.
I know the break actually drained Lawson of a lot, working with his dad and the other lawyer, but I wish he had gotten a break because he seems worn down in a way I’ve never seen him before, and it’s concerning. I urge him to take a week off and regroup, but he insists there isn’t a way he can do that without letting down the agency.
I want to see the spark in his eyes like I used to, and so I decide impulsively to do something a little dangerous. As we sit out on the couch, I reach over and palm Lawson in my hand. He’s flaccid but with a brief rub I feel him growing and he throws his head back and closes his eyes, appearing to appreciate the relief I want to give him.
“Grant could be home any minute,” he mumbles.
“Then I guess he will get quite the show,” I say, trying to fake bravery I don’t actually feel.
I bend over him, making an effort to arch my back so he gets a glimpse of my ass, and I unzip him, removing him from his pants and place him in my mouth. Lawson moans and I see his hands grip the fabric of the couch. I draw him in slowly and once I have him well lubed, I add in my hand and twist at the wrist slightly, knowing now, exactly how he likes it. I love knowing those things about him. It makes me feel sexually powerful and within minutes, his legs flex and he comes down my throat.
For the next half hour, I have Lawson exactly where I want him. He’s loving, and soft, and can’t stop touching me, but when I tell him I’m ready for bed, he lets me know he has some stuff to work on and he pulls out his laptop as I head to his room. I wasn’t really tired. I had just wanted to be with him in his bed, but instead I lie awake on my phone until I grow too tired to wait up any longer for him.
Lawson has to go into the office for a few hours the next morning, but he promises to meet up with me at the bar later for Grant’s birthday. I decide to hang out at the mall with Cher and we catch a girly chick flick playing in theaters. I invite her to come out with us for Grant’s birthday this evening, but she tells me she’s going on another date with the guy from earlier this week.
“I think I might actually like this one,” she tells me.
“Oh wow, so this is serious?”
“I mean, nothing is serious. I’m going to be in med school for all of eternity. My ability to date then will be non-existent and I don’t want to do that to any guy. It’s not fair, but yes, I like this one and I have another year before med school, so I think I’ll hang onto him for a little while longer. Plus, he looks great with his shirt off and I want to at least see what he’s like in bed before I kick him to the curb.”
I laugh at this, that the future doctor can be so crass, and yet I still have full confidence that she’s going to be amazing at any kind of specialty she chooses.
We head back to our dorm and dress for the night together, her for her date, and me for Grant’s birthday.
Just got here. Going to grab a drink—could use one after this week. See ya in a bit, the text from Lawson comes in.
He totally deserves a night out with the guys but I’m hopeful he doesn’t drink so much that he spends his entire Sunday hungover. I know he won’t appreciate that come tomorrow. I decide on a sleek lace bodysuit and pair it with some high-waisted black jeans that are shredded around my knees and boots. It’s casual but sexy looking and I can at least say that rooming with another girl this year has drastically improved my style. I spend a little extra time curling my hair and chatting with Cher about her date until he arrives. Once her date calls that he’s downstairs we walk out together and I get to meet Ryan, who is way hotter than even Cher led him to be. He’s in a leather jacket and holding onto a motorcycle helmet. A total bad boy vibe resonates off him and I look over to Cher, shooting up my eyebrows as if to say, ‘holy shit.’ Go Cher.
He hands her the helmet and I can’t even believe she’s going to get on the back of that thing. Cher has openly admitted to despising motorcycles, but I guess when a man that good looking is riding one, the danger factor seems more appealing.
I pull her in for a hug before she whispers, “Be safe, and you’re fully responsible for telling me everything you left out later.”
She gives me a huge smile and waves as they ride off. I walk over to my car and head the few minutes over to the bar. When I walk in, the music is already blaring loudly, and I spot Grant, Finn, and a few other law students they hang out with occasionally surrounding a few of the tables in the back. I make my way toward them. I don’t see Lawson yet but head over to wish Grant a happy birthday.
“So you’re what? Twelve now?” I joke with him.
“Only if you’re asking my shoe size… and you know what they say about big feet.” He smirks a playful grin, winking at the girls around him, and pulls me in for a hug. “How are ya doin’, darlin’?”
“I’m good. I haven’t seen you around the house lately.”
“Yeah, things are crazy. I took an extra class this semester so I could finish on time and I typically roll in at midnight and am out by six the next morning.”
“You guys are going to wear yourselves down. You, Lawson, Finn. All of you have got to be exhausted.”
“It’s a rite of passage. Everyone does it and it’s only for a few months. Then we are off on our own and won’t have to take classes anymore, just be a regular boring adult who works all the time.”
“It hurts you to say that, doesn’t it?” I ask, noticing the way he grits his teeth as he says it.
“Adulting blows,” he says.
“I haven’t found Lawson yet. Have you seen him?”
“Not since earlier when I ran into him in the pisser.”
“Alright, well I’m going to go look for him. I’ll catch you in a bit.”
I wander off and spot Finn, talking intimately with a girl I don’t recognize in one of the booths and I throw a wave at him. I make my way to the bar to order myself a drink but pull up short when I finally spot Lawson.
He’s standing at the bar, talking to a petite blonde, but the part that makes me stop in my tracks is the way he’s leaning in to talk to her with his hand on her lower back. Nothing about that move screams of political-friendly banter. My eyes begin to water almost immediately, and I feel as if my breath has been knocked out of me.
I will probably piss you off at some point, but it won’t be because I cheated on
you. You can bet your ass that I’ll be loyal to you as long as you stick around. Those are the words he whispered to me right before I gave in and quit fighting him.
I wouldn’t exactly call this cheating but nothing about it feels loyal. The chatting, the banter, the smiles he would give other girls, I gave him those things because I knew that in his world, those things were important to relationship building. But I didn’t have to give him this.
I march up behind him and he doesn’t see me approach the bar.
“What can I get you?” the guy behind the counter asks.
“I’ll have a cherry vodka,” I order in a voice probably a little too loud, but it serves its purpose. I see Lawson’s body pause, his hand on the girl’s back drops, and he spins around to find me, standing next to him. He looks shitfaced already. He has a stupid grin on his face that I might usually find adorable but right now it just pisses me off. He’s only been here for two hours and I wonder how he managed to get this drunk already.
“Hey, babe!” he says with his syrupy grin plastered to his face.
“Hi, Lawson. Looks like you’re having a wonderful time,” I say with as much sarcasm as I can.
“Oh, yeah. This uh, is, Cara—”
“Tara,” the girl interrupts.
“Right, Tara. She is interning over at Jeffrey Morrison & Associates. I was just seeing how she liked it since they are one of my top preferences after graduation.”
The bartender pushes my drink across the bar to me and I hand over my card.
“Right. Well, by all means, do your research.”
I walk off, rolling my eyes. I hear Lawson following after me like the puppy dog I wanted him to look like, but the satisfaction doesn’t fulfill the feeling I’m missing.
“Babe,”
“Don’t babe, me. Don’t even talk to me, Lawson. That shit looked so disrespectful. You knew I was coming and yet I walk into a bar to find you plastered and leaning into another woman with your hands on her. That’s just trashy and honestly, not like you.”