by Devin Sawyer
“I was just trying to get close enough that I could hear her better, honest. The music is loud in here, it wasn’t intimate at all.”
I replay the scene in my head, and I wonder if I read it wrong. I second-guess if I’m being insecure because we haven’t been able to spend as much time together. Either way, I don’t like his hands being on someone else and especially not when he’s this inebriated.
“Look, I had a long-ass week at the office and lately all I do is eat and breathe law. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m not interested in Tara’s fake-ass personality, I just want to know what her experience has been like at her firm.”
“Your hands don’t have to touch her to find that out.”
“Totally fair,” he says, pointing a finger and if I weren’t so mad, I might laugh at how silly he sounds. “Hands to myself, from this point on, always.” He places his palms in his jean pockets. “Unless it’s you, and then all bets are off.”
I smile at this and I’m pissed because I still hurt over what I just saw, but it’s hard to be mad at him.
“You can’t stay mad at me,” he says.
“I can’t?” I challenge.
“No, because it would break my heart, and you are too perfect to hurt me like that.”
I stare at him, wanting to give in because I’m tired and don’t want to spend what time we do have together fighting, so I decide to drop it. Another argument brushed under the rug for now, and I have a suspicious feeling one of these days, we will be forced to face them. I just hope we can make it through the semester and maybe once Lawson has a job, life will get easier for us.
He drags me over to the rest of the group and places his arm around me, pulling me in.
“Promise me you won’t break my heart, beautiful,” he whispers into my ear. “I’ve fallen way too hard to hit the bottom, even when I shouldn’t have.”
“Why shouldn’t you have?” I ask.
“Just promise me,” he slurs.
I love him like this, I want to say it, but don’t want to be the first. He’s been hinting around it for weeks now, making suggestions about how far in he is.
“I’m crazy about you.” I tell him, trying to get the emotion out without dropping the L-word first. “How about you promise not to hurt me anymore.”
“I would never do it on purpose,” he says, facing me now and holding each of my hands at our sides. He leans in and runs his mouth over mine, and everything that just happened feels lost because right now, even in a full bar, it’s just us, and everything feels right. When he pulls away, I whine, and he laughs at me.
“I love you, Farah Taylor. Don’t ever think I don’t.”
My insides squeal and I pray that tomorrow when he wakes up, he remembers this. I needed so badly to hear those words after the last few weeks, and even though it’s happening in a bar, I don’t want to let that ruin it.
“You better remember this moment tomorrow or you’re in such deep shit.”
“I won’t forget.” He uses his finger to mark an ‘x’ over his heart and I laugh at him.
“I love you too, Lawson Calhoun.”
“I couldn’t forget the first moment I finally let my girl know, even though I’ve been feeling it for weeks.”
Weeks. I wonder the first moment he felt it.
“I knew after we had sex for the first time,” I admit. “It just felt different from then on. More serious.”
“I knew after our birthdays.”
“You did not,” I call out his lie.
“Maybe not love, but I knew this was different, and that I had to chase after it. Why do you think I raced after you at that party? I had to have you.”
“Well, you’ve got me.”
“For good,” he confirms.
“For good,” I confirm.
CHAPTER 26 – PRESENT
I didn’t tell Reece. Or maybe I just haven’t told Reece yet, but I know every day that passes from the Florida trip is a day that any trust that might be re-built breaks down even more. I’ve returned to my normal life, like nothing happened. I go to work, we have dinner together, even if we both work late, we make love, every night. The first night I returned I barely made it through the front door before Reece had me undressed and he made love to me right in the living room.
“Working like this makes me miss you. I wanted to call you all the time and ask your opinion. I wanted to come home and feel your body and just hold you.”
I can tell the stress and responsibility of building and managing the new restaurant is starting to weigh on him and when he was so desperate for my touch, I just couldn’t bear to tell him. I wanted him too. I wanted to feel him and be reminded of his touch and how it felt. I wanted to bask in the presence of our relationship and how it had so perfectly worked for us the past few years. It had been easy and perfect until I destroyed it.
I think Reece notices something is wrong. He’ll catch me staring off, vacant eyes at times and I feel like he knows. Maybe not that I’ve been with his brother. There is no way he could know that, but he knows that I’ve been pulling back. I kiss him less when we have sex, I don’t pull toward him, because even though I need him here and I need his touch, I don’t ask for more than I have to because the idea of using him is breaking me. We still have sex. I need to not give myself completely away until I’m ready and that makes me feel like shit.
It’s been three weeks since I’ve returned home and day by day, I fade a little more. I don’t tell April, I don’t tell Finn. I have no one to confide in and the same circular thoughts run through my mind day in and day out.
“What’s going on with you?” Reece finally snaps at me one evening. “You’re so removed lately.”
I focus on his face and how beautiful he is. His bright blue irises and his pouty lips. “Nothing. I was just thinking.” It’s my excuse every time.
“Are you upset with me? I know I’ve been gone more and working later but you never say anything and and…” he stumbles, “and when we make love, you don’t look at me and when I kiss you, you often give me your cheek, and when I ask you to spend time with me, you always have something to do. I just… shit… I just am under a lot of stress and I miss you all the time and that doesn’t make any sense because you’re right here.” I hear the desperation in his voice, but it comes out as hostile. It’s twisted but I like when he yells. I like feeling like I’m being punished for being a shit fucking person. I don’t like to see him hurt but I know I’m doing it to protect him. I know that at least if I choose Lawson, he will appreciate seeing the little signs. I kiss him anyway and take him to bed, wanting to, at least for that moment, make some of his pain go away.
~
Lawson calls and texts daily. I’ve been responding to texts but avoiding his calls. Every day that goes by that I don’t give him an answer he seems to grow more despondent and frustrated. I’m pulling away from him too, not ready to answer for any of my actions. As much as I want both of them, I feel ready to flee again and I catch myself searching different areas of the country that offer top of the line indigent health care services.
My phone pings again while I work, and I ignore it. I know it’s Lawson or Reece and I’ve committed to not responding to them while I’m at work after I gave a medication incorrectly last week. My mind isn’t focused when I’m thinking about them. On my break I take a look at my phone and see the message was from Lawson, who is conveniently still mislabeled in my phone. I receive everything in text messages from the affectionate ‘I miss yous’ to the bitter ‘Call me. You can’t keep dragging this out or hiding.’ I can’t bear to hear his voice right now and despite the affections of two men, I feel more alone than ever. Only this message takes his frustration to a new level.
I’m flying out tomorrow if you don’t call me, we are telling Reece everything. I’m serious. Call me.
I don’t know if this is an empty threat or not. What I have gathered is that Jason has caught on to our relationship and is more critical than
ever of the work Lawson is doing or neglecting toward his campaign. I don’t want to test the waters. I feel like at this point, even Jason could reveal things to Reece if we don’t address things soon.
My shift ends at six. You can call me then, I respond and not waiting for a reply I put my phone back in my pocket, and head back to the unit.
~
I stay late after work, burrowing myself into the staff room waiting for Lawson’s call. I have days, and maybe hours before I need to make a call. I know Lawson will ask for my decision when he calls. Reece knows something. At this point he likely even suspects an affair at the way we’ve grown apart in just weeks. He made that evident last night. His words were hurtful, despite how comforting he intended to be. Reece was always the strong confident one, and to hear his hurt and questioning last night was the hardest thing we have experienced in our relationship.
When my phone finally buzzes on the table, I snatch it up and answer.
“Hey.”
“Hey there.”
“I haven’t heard from you in a few days.”
“Would you have picked up if I had called?” he spars, clearly annoyed. “I was swamped at the office, trying to make everything up to Jason.”
I nod but he can’t see me. We both feel the distance, the guilt weighing on us. The unmade decision and the way it sours our mood. That was our damage. Anytime it was just me and Lawson, the world went away, and things were wonderful. I was always happy with just him. But that’s not reality, especially not Lawson’s reality. His world is made up of so many people who play a role and I don’t fit into that world. It was ugly, and I had hated it before. Honestly, it doesn’t seem much different now, but I’ve fallen back into that old familiar ache where I wish the world could be different, just to accommodate us.
“We can’t keep this up,” he finally says. “We can’t keep pretending we don’t feel this. That’s what Florida was for… to find out, but if you don’t recognize what I do… if you don’t feel what I do, then I need to know.”
“I don’t know the answer. Just because I can admit that I still feel many things for you, does not mean my feelings for Reece have diminished in the slightest. I don’t want to leave him,” I admit with honesty that rattles me.
“Damnit, Farah. Nothing has changed for me. I still want you the way I wanted you back then. I still want you by my side through it all, through everything. I miss you all the time. Even when we are talking. If I can’t reach out and touch you, my body misses yours. I want to touch you, kiss you, and be near you all the time. For fuck’s sake, I come home most evenings, wishing I could talk to you, feel you, and I have to jerk off to the faceless photos and videos I have of your naked body connected to mine. This can’t get much further without hurting everyone we care about. You need to make a decision, and I’m asking you to please come back to me.” His voice breaks on his last request. “This isn’t about you not knowing anymore. You’ve had plenty of time. It’s about you not wanting to make the call.”
A silent tear falls from me and Lawson’s voice stills on the line. His admission to keeping the photo I asked him to delete doesn’t faze me. I miss him too, but he’s wrong. We are already too far in and inevitably whatever the decision, we will hurt everyone. A relationship has to be all or nothing, and I can’t give either man all of me as long as this continues. This was not going to be some drawn-out affair. I wasn’t sure if he was right. Did I know what decision I wanted to make, and I was just scared?
“What if I don’t choose you?” I decide to finally ask him.
I need to know what that looks like. I need someone to entertain these ideas and play out a scenario with me. Lawson has shown me what it would be like to choose him. I’d be a senator’s girlfriend, maybe a wife. I still cringe knowing I will hate that life. If he loses the election, which I have little faith will happen based on the current polling numbers, maybe we could find a way, but I can’t possibly know if that could happen. The alternative of going to Turkey for a few years seems like a perfect escape and the only way I could ever choose him.
“Just give me a little more time. A few days. I’ll figure it out. I promise.”
I hear him sigh into the phone. “Yeah, just spend the next few days thinking on it. I can’t do this much longer. Your absence hurts all over again.”
His voice sounds resigned, and I know he’s only being patient with me now because he made the same request weeks ago when he first came to Portland and left me a cheating mess to deal with my boyfriend. He wanted more time to try and win me back. I don’t like how tired he sounds, and I hope that an answer comes to me and that when it does, it’s the right one.
“I’ve got to get home,” I admit.
I know it’s later where he is and the fact that he is just now finishing his work day tells me that maybe this is only working because of our four hour time difference. I imagine it being ten pm on the east coast and waiting up for Lawson.
“Yeah. I know. I miss you, Farah. I’m so tired of always missing you.”
“I miss you too. Goodnight.”
A truth that hurts to reveal. I keep waiting for my heart to choose, to wake up and just magically know, but it won’t be that easy. I will make a decision, and I will hurt over the loss of someone that means so much to me.
When I get home, I have every intention of showering and heading to bed early. I know that’s not going to happen when I find Reece in a pair of slacks and a button-down shirt. I haven’t seen him in anything but his work attire since we returned from Charleston. I run through my brain to see if I forgot anything, an anniversary, a birthday, but I come up with nothing.
“Do you have a work dinner tonight?” I ask.
“No. I was hoping to take you out.”
I can’t remember the last time we went out on a date. We grab dinner together routinely, out of necessity, but there hasn’t been an actual date in quite a while, and I wonder what he’s getting at.
“I picked out a dress from your closet, but if you don’t want to wear it, you don’t have to.”
I head back to our room to see what he could have possibly laid out for me. Reece isn’t typically the type to pick out my clothes. I find an older red floral sundress lying out and I laugh because I know I’ll freeze if I go out in that this evening. I go into the closet and grab my black leather jacket and some thigh-high boots that might do their best to keep me warm and I do my best to stick to this dress code Reece has picked out for me.
When I emerge back in the living room, he stands from the couch and smiles at me, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, and it appears shy, which is anything but what I know Reece to be. We both sit silently in the car. At some point, he reaches for my hand and I let him hold it. After about fifteen minutes he pulls to a stop at a busy part of town and parks off the side of the road. I look around, trying to figure out where he’s taking me but there aren’t any restaurants on this strip. He takes my hand and leads me to the other side of the road, dodging cars as we cross and then he stops abruptly in front of an abandoned space, but I know this place. It was close to April’s old apartment, and we used to come eat here on our days off. Hibachi Grill. It so happens to be the same place I awkwardly ran into Reece the first time. It seems like a lifetime ago and he was early on in his career and not yet made sous chef.
I look at him questioningly. What are we doing here? He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a key, inserting it into the door, makes a half turn and unlocks the building. He opens the door for me and when I step in, I see an unfinished restaurant. There is flooring lying around, tools scattered, ladders propped up, but a single light in the back is turned on lighting up a kitchen. It too is unfinished but there is cabinetry in place, countertops secured, and a slew of appliances shoved in one corner.
“Why didn’t you tell me this is the place y’all bought for the restaurant?” I ask him, feeling my heart ache. `
Reece shrugs. “You never asked. It was on sale, and it had the amount o
f space we needed. Lorenzo and Paul had their eye on a different spot but this one just felt special to me. I knew it would be perfect.”
I go up to Reece and put my arms around him. I let him hold me too. This was the start of it all.
“I’m going to cook for you if that’s okay. I picked up some groceries earlier and dropped ‘em off here. It’s not exactly a fully functional kitchen just yet.”
I am near tears, thinking of Reece planning this for us.
“I knew the moment I saw you here that I had to chase after you when you left the restaurant. I didn’t even feel in control of my actions. I just had to have you. I had to love you.”
Alright, fuck. Tears are spilling out now and I blubber uncontrollably as Reece pulls me in again.
“I feel like something has been off between us and I was scared I was losing you and I just want you to know that if something is going on, I’m always going to be here for you. Don’t run from me. Run to me, or with me, but never away. Promise?”
I try to collect myself because I’m a rotten fucking person. I know I have to tell Reece everything, but I just can’t do it tonight. Tomorrow. Tomorrow, I’ll tell him everything, but tonight, I’m on a date with a man I love.
CHAPTER 27 – PAST
The weather is starting to warm up and with mid-terms down and only a few weeks left of class before the summer, we decide to celebrate by having a barbeque. Lawson and Grant offer to have it at their place and will provide the meat if everyone else brings a side dish. I just make a salad that I bought from one of those bags at the grocery store because I’m crap in the kitchen. Living at a boarding school while growing up deprives you of some basic life skills. Things with Lawson have been stressful lately and I honestly hope this will just be a good opportunity for us to spend time with our friends.
I arrive early to help the guys set up and am a little surprised when I see Finn arrive with a girl that I recognize as the one he sat in the booth with at Grant’s birthday a few weeks back.