by Devin Sawyer
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever!” I tell him, wrapping my arms around him in a hug.
“I know it’s been chaos. I’ve had my internship this semester, but I’m sure you know how all that goes, with Lawson being gone just as much.”
“Yeah, tell me about it.”
“I want you to meet Laura. I actually met her through the internship. She’s a marketing major, but her dad works at the firm I’m interning at.”
“That’s awesome! I’m glad you could make it, Laura. It’s really good to have another girl around.”
“Thanks!” she says shyly, and I offer to show her around so that Finn can join the guys and I can bring her out of her shell some.
I give her a tour of the home and introduce her to the others as they show up. Once she seems well acquainted, I leave her side to join Lawson who’s standing over the grill.
I linger around him, people watching everyone as they mingle.
“You probably shouldn’t hug someone like that. It gives the wrong impression,” he says in a low voice.
“Like what?” I ask. What is he talking about?
“Finn. You’ve always been close to him and when you hug a guy like that, it sends the wrong message.”
He’s got to be shitting me.
“I haven’t seen him in a while. I was just happy he was here. Plus he brought Laura, I hardly think I’m sending mixed messages.”
I feel attacked and persecuted. Lawson has a way of accusing someone like they are guilty of a crime and I know the lawyer in him can’t be contained sometimes.
“Yeah, well, it was always hard to tell early on when we first met. I introduced the two of you, but he would walk you to your classes, carry your bag like this was some 1950s golly-gee bullshit film.” He doesn’t look at me when he accuses me, he only focuses on the fire pit in front of him.
The realization that Lawson felt like I was interested in Finn early on is news to me and for a moment I feel bad but am still not okay with the way he’s talking to me. I think back to our first date when he offered to set me up with him, but I had refused and it seemed like the issue had been squashed ever since.
“I was grateful for Finn’s friendship. I’m pretty sure the only thing we ever even talked about was you. I was constantly using him for intel and venting my frustrations about the way you acted around those other girls. I was jealous, and he offered me support. You could have just as easily walked me to those classes, and this would never be an issue.”
I wonder if old habits die hard, if he misses his philandering ways. I wouldn’t be surprised if he does and I feel an ache in my chest thinking of him with another woman. Silence passes between us.
“Look, I’m not, nor have I ever been, interested in Finn in that way. It’s always been you. Even when I didn’t want it to be because you were gorgeous, and girls were falling all over you.”
“I think he liked you,” Lawson says quietly and for a moment he looks confused, and maybe even insecure.
“Well if that’s true, I think he’s over it. Laura seems sweet, and not to mention Finn would never do that to you. You two are practically family. Let’s not fight,” I beg. “Pleeeaaase.”
“Yeah, fine,” he says, letting out a big breath, and seemingly wanting to finish the discussion and be over it as well.
“Kiss me and tell me you’re sorry for being a grouch.”
He leans down and kisses me on the lips. He pulls me into him, and I feel his hand snake down and grip my ass firmly. I don’t love public displays of affection that get raunchy because I feel like he’s trying to prove something right now, but I let it slide, just wanting to move on and appreciative that at least he isn’t running to other women.
The rest of the evening runs smoothly. People sit out on the lawn and play a game of horseshoes and everyone seems to be enjoying each other. It’s nice to kick back and enjoy each other on a weekend off, especially with so many law students who lately have struggled to find the time. I get to know Laura a little better, and we chat some about her dad’s firm and Finn’s internship. We also spot Grant hitting on a girl that some other guy brought, and we watch him just waiting for it to backfire in his face. It surprises both of us when she ends up sneaking inside with Grant and I remind myself not to become a gambler anytime soon.
At some point I realize I don’t see Lawson anywhere and haven’t for a little while. I wander around the yard and eventually begin to look inside. He’s not in the kitchen or the bathroom and so I head for his bedroom. His door is cracked, and I can see him inside, sitting on his bed, hunched over. His phone is between his palms on speakerphone and he stares down at it, defeated. I watch him for a second, not wanting to disrupt his call, and after a moment I can tell it’s his parents on the phone, both his mom and dad’s voices piping in different parts of the call.
I’m just about to walk away when I hear my name through the door.
“Have you followed through on what we discussed about Farah?” His dad’s voice comes through.
A huge sigh follows on Lawson’s end, and I decide to eavesdrop for another moment. What have they discussed about me?
“No. Not yet,” Lawson’s reply comes.
“You need to follow through, Lawson. She’s not the right fit for you and she will destroy your chances as a future leader of this country.”
Why would I have anything to do with his future career path?
“You can’t be objective if you are dating a woman who has citizenship in another country. The people won’t trust you have their best interest in mind if you have a wife at home that’s an immigrant.”
You have to be shitting me. It takes everything I have not to storm through those doors and scream until I bust the old man’s eardrums.
“She’s an American,” Lawson states, and I can tell he’s gritting his teeth.
“Not completely.” I hear come from the other end.
“Lawson dear, you have so many wonderful choices out there. Surely you could consider Veronica, or even the Parish girl, she’s quite nice to look at.” His mom’s fake sing-song voice comes through the phone. “And also they would look great standing next to you. Blondes, just like yourself. Maybe you could go on a date with her when you get back in town.”
“Yeah, Mom.” I hear Lawson’s voice. “Maybe.”
I wonder if this is why prior to myself, Lawson had a penchant for blondes, or maybe it’s the other way, maybe he has a penchant for me just to spite his parents. I feel incredibly hurt either way that they feel I’m not a fit for their son. I’m smart, in training to be a damn good lawyer, I’m not bad to look at even if my features are darker and more exotic. They don’t give a shit about any of that. Tears start to fall, and I step away from the door before Lawson can hear my presence. This relationship and this family has been one struggle after another for me and it just doesn’t seem like it should be this fucking hard.
I find the bathroom and lock myself inside, letting the tears fall freely. I want to throw something or break the fucking mirror, but I don’t have the fight left in me and I just sink to the floor. At some point, I hear Lawson exit his room and walk past the bathroom and I know he’s returned to the party. I look in the mirror and wipe at the makeup misplaced on my face and I clean myself up as good as it’s going to get. I walk back outside and sit in a dark corner of the yard with a few people but refrain from participating in the conversation. I’m grateful there are only a few lamps lighting the yard and you can’t see my face well.
Eventually Lawson makes his way over to where I’m sitting and he lifts me, stealing my chair and pulling me into his lap. My body stiffens against his, and I’m not sure how to react. I consider making an excuse to stand and getting up, but I decide just to let it go, and not let anything on.
I guess it’s possible that Lawson isn’t listening to anything his shit hole parents say, and their lectures only have him being grateful for me. I take a moment to think about what they said, and I tr
y to hold my tears back this time. Being Turkish has rarely been an issue for me in the past. I was occasionally made fun of as a child when my English needed work or had crude comments made by guys in high school, but never have I felt hatred for my culture the way I experienced it today. Maybe they are right. I am an American, but I am also Turkish and it’s possible that there are enough people in this state or this country that might feel like Lawson is impartial due to my dual allegiances.
After midnight, the party finally clears, and Lawson drags me into his room. He kisses me in there and strips me of my shirt. I don’t make a move as I normally would to match his removal of clothing. Nothing feels romantic right now. I let it happen anyway because my mind has too many thoughts to process to make clear decisions.
Once I’m fully naked, he moves me to the bed, and he must be feeling the pressure too, because he doesn’t say anything to me, but he tells me through his touch. I feel tears rushing forward, but I hold them back and I let him silently make love to me. His touch, his tongue, and his breath covers me and wraps me in wanting. I want to love him, I want this to be enough, I want to not have to be a future senator’s wife. I want it to just be me and him, the way it felt in the beginning, but I know that phase is gone now. You never get it back. The early relationship passion and spontaneity fizzles and real life hits you. That’s where relationships are made or broken. In the after phase. Lawson and I could be blissful forever in the early love, but I wasn’t sure we were strong enough to survive the after. His after, his path for success, was so determined by others, that I wasn’t sure I would get a say.
His body is covered in sweat, and we both last longer than usual. We both are being greedy and asking for something that the world doesn’t want to give us. When I finally come, he grunts loudly watching me and follows right behind. He pulls me in tight and holds me. His rhythmic breaths follow shortly after, but I can’t sleep. I run the conversation through my head over and over again and I try to find a reason to stay, a reason to believe that we could be stronger than what we face. It’s after three am when I finally stand from the bed, slowly, not wanting to wake Lawson, and I gather my clothes, pulling them on. I go to use the restroom and return for the overnight bag I had packed. I stare at his face and how peaceful he looks in his sleep.
“I hope you remember me,” I whisper, and walk out the room, locking his home behind me.
I know this is panic. I know what I’m doing is panicking but I don’t have a therapist to call and so I’m choosing what I think is best for me in this moment. I head to my dorm and pack a suitcase. I need a break. I need to get away from it all and just clear my head. I need a few days somewhere else where I can look at the situation objectively, without him around to make love to me and change my mind.
I grab as many of my things as I’ll need and head to my car, and head for the bus station.
CHAPTER 28 – PRESENT
I have the day off work and when Reece leaves, I dial up Lawson. It’s early there and he may not even be up yet.
“Hello?” he answers groggily.
“Lawson, it’s me,” I alert him. “I have to tell Reece. I’m going to tell him tonight.” I can hear him rustling around in his bed, likely sitting up, and trying to make sure he heard me correctly.
“Did you hear me?” I ask him.
“Yeah, I heard you, I just… what are you telling him? Should I get on a plane?”
“I’m going to tell him about us, well, about Florida, and when you were here. I can’t lie to him anymore.”
“And after that?”
“I’m staying here, Lawson.” A long pause. “I’m sorry, but I love him, and if he doesn’t leave me, I want a future with him.”
“I’m coming there.”
“I don’t think you should do that.”
“Farah, you’re making a mistake,” he insists, losing control of his voice. This is as panicked as you’ll ever see Lawson Calhoun. “I know you care about me. I know you want to wake up every day just like we did together in Florida.”
“I do,” I admit. “I do want that. But what I don’t want is to wait for you to come home at night. I don’t want to sit alone while you travel to all these other states. I don’t want to eat dinner alone when you have to take a business call. I don’t want to only feel loved when you make time for it. That’s not your fault. That’s just our paths. And it’s shitty. It was never fair to either of us that we weren’t ever going to make it.” My voice sounds angry, but it’s not directed at Lawson, it’s just the situation we are in.
“Farah, don’t do this. Wait until I can be there.” His voice cracks and I hurt for him.
“This isn’t up for debate, Lawson. I’m not a client, or a jury, or your constituent, you cannot just debate your way into being right or getting your way. Please don’t come. I’ll encourage Reece to reach out to you, but this isn’t something we should tell him together.”
“So you get to look like the honest one and be the first to reveal it? While I just sit over here looking like the guy who tried to steal his brother’s girl from under his nose? This is bullshit.”
“I wouldn’t do that to you. I won’t make it seem like that.”
“This is bullshit and you know it.”
“I know that I love two men and nothing about that is fair. I also know that I have to choose only one, but Lawson, try to see it from my point of view. My relationship with Reece is stable, or at least it was if I haven’t totally destroyed it. I am drawn to you but loves like ours aren’t made to last, they are meant to burn bright and strong, but they go out quickly. Love like that is too volatile to last forever. If our relationship were real again, we would have to face the media, the politicians who would lose trust in your ability to be unbiased when it came to foreign policy, especially having to do with Turkey, and worst of all, your family.”
“My family wouldn’t be the worst of all that,” he mutters.
“Your parents hate me with you. They can stand me when it comes to being with Reece. I never told you this because I don’t think it matters, but I overheard everything they said to you the night before I left. I heard both of them lecturing about what you would be giving up if we didn’t end things soon, I heard them provide you a list of viable options, and I heard you accept one.”
“I was never going to fucking do that, Farah. I was only agreeing to buy time and appease them.”
“I get that, but that’s not good enough for me and I think you know I wouldn’t accept that. I deserve more than that.”
“What about what I deserve?” Lawson asks in earnest.
“You deserve to be senator, because you’re going to be a great one. And maybe one day even the President. Lawson, we have things many people don’t. We have an undeniable chemistry and attraction. They are great fun, but they do not make a life. We have amazing highs, but our lows… they are too much for me and I can’t go through life living on this roller coaster. Falling in love with you feels more like spiraling out of control. I don’t like that feeling. I want stability. Outside our lows, we still have very different lives. We are running around acting like my ethnicity still doesn’t matter, like there isn’t a major issue. Our lifestyles do not mesh… and that’s okay. But we need to learn that it’s okay, rather than thinking chemistry means we should run back into each other’s arms. You deserve to find love that isn’t going to hinder the career you love most. You deserve to let go of me and what we have that’s holding you back.”
“When love hurts like this, there is no letting go.” His words resonate with me. The thought that we could live with this feeling forever seems unfair and painful and I hope for both our sakes, that it’s not true. “So that’s it?” Lawson pushes further. I’m not sure what else to say at this point. “You’re not even going to ask me to remember you this time, huh?”
I’m hit with the memory from all those years ago when I left Lawson in the middle of the night.
“You heard me?”
“Most the time I thought I imagined it, but yeah, I heard you. I heard you come out of the bathroom, shoved a few things in the bag on the floor and you left without saying a word.”
“You didn’t come after me,” I state.
“No. Like I said, I was half asleep, I thought I imagined it until the next morning when you were gone. And not just left my house gone, but left the state, gone. When I got your email. That’s when I knew I hadn’t imagined it.”
“I’ll always care for you, Lawson, but we can’t see each other, probably ever again.”
“I guess this is why you just bolted last time, huh? There’s no easy way to end this. No right thing to say. Reece is going to hate me, and in the end, I’m still going to love you.”
“I’m so—”
“Don’t apologize again,” he cuts me off. “I should get going. I guess I should go for a run before my work day starts. If by chance you change your mind… I’ll still be here for you,” he tells me and the guilt hits me again. This one conversation has spanned so many different emotions, beginning with panic and anger, and ending with understanding and loss.
“Thanks.”
“I love you, Farah.”
“I love you too, Lawson.”
I hear the click of the phone and know the line has gone dead. I allow myself an hour of sadness and grieving. Just one. I won’t hold on to this, but I deserve to have this closure too. After all these years, I deserve to not run from my problems or my feelings, I deserve to just sit here and really feel the immensity of the situation and all of its fucked-up-ness.
CHAPTER 29 – PRESENT
When Reece arrives home that evening, it’s later than I expected. Part of me is terrified that Lawson might have called him and gotten a jump on telling him. It would have been his right to, but I don’t think he would do that to me.
“Want me to cook dinner, babe?” Reece asks when he walks through the door. I guess since he’s acting in more of a business role lately, he’s not getting to cook like he used to and I’m sure he misses that.