Exposed (Free Falling)

by Raven St. Pierre

  AJ didn’t respond.

  I took another breath and made the details of my breakup known. “He sent them to let me to know that he’s filing for divorce.”

  Now AJ responded. Shooting me a confused look, he waited for me to explain further.

  “We’ve been together for almost two whole years and I found out that he has a wife that he’s been separated from and a son that I never knew existed.” I revisited the memory of seeing the pictures of Jason’s son for the first time and found myself wondering if I would’ve fallen into my current plight as easily if none of that had transpired. If my trust for Jason had remained intact, would I still be sitting here having this conversation with AJ?

  “You had to find that out on your own?” he asked.

  I nodded slowly. “Once I became suspicious, he eventually confessed. I honestly thought he was seeing someone else behind my back, but as it turns out, he kind of was,” I managed to smile, acknowledging the irony of it all. “…His son.”

  AJ didn’t say anything.

  “Apparently they live in Boston, so while we were there for the wedding, he slipped out to go visit.”

  “How has he been able to get away to see his kid without you knowing? Pretended to be going away on business or something?” AJ asked.

  I shook my head again. “Nope. It almost would’ve been better if he had been lying to me so that he could be a father to the boy, but last month was the first time he’d seen him in almost a year,” I explained. “His lack of involvement was part of the problem. Jason used to talk a lot about us starting a family one day, but…seeing him virtually abandon his son was eye-opening for me. I couldn’t see myself with someone like him long-term.”

  AJ was quiet for a while. “I saw the vase and flowers yesterday.”

  Now I understood why he didn’t seem surprised when I shared that part. “They were sitting outside my door when Angel and I got back from fixing my phone.”

  “Have you called him since then?” AJ asked with no real expectations one way or another.

  I shook my head. “No, but I know I’ll have to eventually. I’m not gonna string him along.”

  When AJ fell silent, I wondered what he was thinking. Was he comparing his relationship ties to Kira against those that Jason had kept secret from me these past couple years? Was he imagining having to confess to Kira what we’d done, or was he imagining having to break the news to me that we’d reached the end of the line, like I was going to have to reveal to Jason soon, once and for all.

  “I feel torn,” I admitted vaguely, realizing after the fact that AJ could’ve mistaken the statement to mean that I was unsure about cutting Jason off permanently.

  He shifted his eyes toward me, but I didn’t turn away from the ocean. “Torn about what?”

  “About us,” I replied. “About where to file us away emotionally….morally. I just should’ve known better than to get caught up the way I have.” I sighed just thinking about it and AJ lowered his head. “I keep thinking back and asking myself why I’ve made the decisions I’ve made when it comes to you these past several days, but I hate the answer that I’m getting.”

  “Which is?” he asked.

  I scoffed and shook my head at how such a complicated situation broke down to one, simple, unruly fact – I loved him. I wasn’t going to say it out loud, though.

  AJ watched me for a few seconds and then turned away when I didn’t respond to his question. “Do you think that we just let things get out of hand?” he asked.

  There were two answers to that question and I gave them both. “Yes and no. Yes, because of your situation – I honestly did try to keep things in perspective for the sake of what you and Kira have going. And no because…” I considered not explaining this part, but then remembered that this was why we’d driven all the way out to the beach – to talk. “No, because I know how I feel about you. You’ve never been just some guy or just my ex, AJ.”

  The words ‘I love you’ almost slipped out, but I stopped myself again.

  He looked out across the sand. “I keep asking myself why I chased after you when I saw you pass by my building that day. Was it loneliness? Curiosity?”

  Both of those explanations made me cringe.

  “But…as quickly as those things cross my mind,” he added. “…they’re gone because I already know why I nearly killed myself getting down those stairs.”

  My heart raced, but I wouldn’t let him see that I was anxious. On the outside, I looked just as in control as before.

  “I’m still in love with you, Sam.”

  And there it was – that word that I wasn’t ready to say, and maybe wasn’t even ready to hear…love.

  “I know that I shouldn’t be and I know that loving you contradicts everything I’ve been telling Kira over the past three years, but…I just am – I’m in love with you,” he repeated.

  The corners of my eyes stung, but not with the threat of happy tears. These particular tears were filled to the point of bursting with pure, unadulterated sorrow. They were tears of dread. When one slipped down my cheek, I turned away so he wouldn’t see it.

  “AJ…I just need to know what the hell we’re doing,” I blurted, sounding stoic instead of desperate like I truly was. The fact that the future of this situation was completely in his hands left me drowning in a state of unfathomable vulnerability. My heart was caught up in him and I had the sinking feeling that I was about to lose.

  Lifting the sunglasses from his eyes to his hair again, AJ continued to rest on his elbows. One rapid breath after another caused his chest to rise and fall more quickly as his nerves clearly kicked in. The anguish in his expression made me sick to my stomach. He knew like I knew…the decision was his.

  The sound of a sigh passing through his lips caused me to stir a little and I faced forward again now that the tear had dried. “All I know is…right now…I can’t see anything beyond you.”

  What did that mean?

  To me, it sounded as if our recent hookup had merely clouded his judgment and one day, maybe one day soon, the fog would clear. The problem with that scenario is, when this happens, he could realize that being with me wasn’t what he really wanted.

  Down fell another tear.

  “I think this was a mistake.” It hurt my heart like you’d never believe when I admitted that, but it was the truth. Regardless of the feelings we shared for one another, the fact still remained that this man had pledged to commit his future to someone else. At the root of that pledge was love. It wasn’t for me to say whether what he felt for me was stronger than that which he felt for her. The bottom line was, he loved Kira enough to ask that she be his wife.

  No further conversation was needed. Whether he’d made up his mind or not, I had. AJ watched as I stood to my feet and straightened my dress. He grabbed my hand just as I was getting ready to walk back toward his car.

  “Sam…wait!”

  “For what?” I asked, unable to fight against the tears this time. One by one they betrayed me, letting him know how broken I was at the realization that we could never be. “This is on me,” I sobbed.

  He took me into his arms and I didn’t resist him as hard as I should’ve. “No…this is on both of us,” he countered.

  He held me tight and I let myself melt against his chest.

  “I can’t help that I love you,” he whispered lightly into my ear and I broke even more.

  I worked to compose myself and then pushed him away. “Take me home please,” I said flatly as I made my way to the car like I’d intended to do in the first place. Now, he didn’t bother trying to stop me.

  AJ closed the car door behind himself, but didn’t start the engine. Instead, we sat there in absolute silence as the conversation that had just taken place lulled in my head. I wasn’t mad – not at him anyway. Didn’t have the right to be. It was me who blindly wandered into this, knowing the history that we shared. It was me who kept going, knowing that he was engaged to be married to someone else. I
t was me who’d walked away years ago and left him for another woman to find the man who I’d carelessly discarded. This was my fault.

  I looked to my left, staring at his fingers intertwined with mine when he grabbed for my hand.

  “Sam…what’re you doing?” he asked, searching my eyes for an explanation. “We’re here to talk. Running won’t fix anything.”

  I imagined he was trying to figure out what he’d said that set me off, but he hadn’t done or said anything. This moment of clarity came to me all on its own. I’d simply had a revelation – the one Angel had tried to get me to see the day before – the one that showed the doom awaiting us at the conclusion of our tryst. This situation wasn’t set up to end well for me and I refused to be the reason it didn’t end well for AJ either.

  I stared into his eyes and instead of saying all of these things, I just started crying again.

  “I think you misunderstood what I was saying. All I meant was, right now, despite what plans have been made with Kira, I only see myself with you,” he explained. When I didn’t answer he squeezed my hand a little tighter. “Talk to me,” he beckoned softly.

  I shook my head and sighed, not really even knowing how to verbalize what I was thinking; especially when the root cause of it all…was jealousy – something I didn’t even want to admit to myself.

  “You’re marrying this girl,” I breathed. “You may be having doubts now, but as it stands, she’s wearing your ring and probably making plans as we speak.”

  He lowered his head and said nothing.

  “And I know you, AJ; you’re not this guy. And I refuse to be the one who messes things up for you again.”

  “You keep bringing up things that happened years ago,” he responded with a heavy sigh that made me look into those dark, sloping eyes of his. He unhinged our fingers and cupped my face in his large hands. “The past is the past, Sam, and I’ve let it go; when’re you gonna do the same?” The warmth of his words, the acceptance behind them, moved me to tears again.

  “I have no right to feel how I feel about you,” I confessed. “In my heart I know that we’re as wrong as two left shoes for doing what we’re doing. I just keep asking myself why it is that we can’t have this without the negativity, without the drama – and it all boils down to – ”

  AJ shook his head before I could blame myself again, quieting me with one word. “Don’t.”

  “I just hate that I’m in the position I’m in. I hate that you’re in the position you’re in. And I hate that I’ve been so willing to keep seeing you, knowing what this makes me.”

  He frowned. “What this makes you?”

  He took my chin in his hand and brought my eyes back to his when I tried to look away. “What does this make you?” he repeated.

  I felt ashamed, but knew that I’d have to admit it to him just like I’d admitted it to Jason. “I’m the other woman,” I breathed, unable to hide the hint of embarrassment in my tone.

  AJ didn’t say a word; all he could do was stare. The truth in my statement was undeniable. I was the other woman. At least with Jason, I could fall back on the fact that I was blind to the situation, but when it came to AJ, I willingly accepted this title and was now clinging to it for dear life because being his ‘side-chick’ was all I had. This was not who I wanted to be, but the sad truth was, I was willing to be this person for him.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Sam

  “Samantha?” I looked up to find Dr. Gill staring at me questioningly. “Where’d you go?” she asked with a smile.

  The smile that I returned was a weak one. “I was just…thinking.”

  She watched me, waiting for me to share, and then set her pen and notepad down when I didn’t. I hadn’t said much at all actually in the ten minutes I’d been in her office, so without telling her anything, she already knew something was wrong.

  “You may as well just tell me,” she added, still smiling. “You’ll feel better once you do.”

  I let out a breath and thought over the past few days. AJ and I had our talk Sunday and now on Wednesday I was still just as miserable. My attempt to save him from me, to save him from losing his fiancé, was an epic fail. We still hadn’t reached a plausible conclusion to our dilemma and it was days later. All either of us knew was that the bond we shared defied all understanding and reason.

  “How do I end this?” I asked Dr. Gill sullenly, shocking her with my statement.

  She continued to stare. “Is that really what you want?”

  “That’s just what has to happen. Despite who AJ’s been these past few days, despite who he is when he’s with me, he’s a good guy and he’s got a lot going for him; there’s no way I can expect him to break that girl’s heart. He doesn’t have the strength to sever our tie, so…I guess it has to be me.”

  My breaths left in quick spurts as I pretended to be sure of this decision.

  “I tell you what, why don’t you tell me what happened and we can sort this -“

  “I need to do this now,” I cut in. “He leaves to go back to Fairfax tomorrow for business, and he’s gonna have to face his fiancé. I need to free him. If I don’t, he’s gonna mess up his life.” I swiped at a hot tear that didn’t match my stern expression. “I have to let him go.”

  The fact that I hadn’t heard much from AJ these past few days since our talk led me to think that he was dealing with a similar struggle. I’d do him the favor of taking on that burden myself, though.

  The look on Dr. Gill’s face made it clear that she thought I was making a hasty decision, but if I toiled over this one for too long, I’d revert back to my original way of thinking – our love for one another was as good an excuse as any for why we should be together.

  “How do I end this?” I repeated.

  Dr. Gill lowered her head. “Samantha…I see a lot of patients. Hundreds,” she explained. “It’s unprofessional for me to guide any of you based on my own personal feelings and emotions. But…I consider you to be one of my patients who I’d sit here talking to about life with, mine and yours, even if you weren’t on my roster. I care about all of my patients’ wellbeing – that’s the nature of my profession; however, there are some of you who are special to me.”

  I looked up at Dr. Gill through watery eyes, blinking them away as much as I could.

  “I think you’re making a huge mistake,” she finally shared. “This has nothing to do with those documents hanging in frames behind me on that wall,” she said, pointing at her credentials from various respected institutes. “I’m speaking to you as a woman. If this is truly what you want – to end things with this guy – then by all means follow your heart.” She reached across and touched her hand to mine briefly. “But if there’s even a shadow of doubt…don’t you do it,” she warned. “Don’t let him go again.”

  *****

  I didn’t feel like going back to work. Instead, I sulked around my apartment for several hours, trying unsuccessfully to convince myself to do something other than lie on the couch staring at the ceiling fan. Even more than before, I was confused. Dr. Gill’s words of caution had me thinking; was it wrong to sacrifice myself for AJ’s happiness? Still, regardless of whether or not he thought I deserved it, I blamed myself for setting him back in the past. Freeing him to live out his life in peace came with an air of redemption. Maybe after this one final, selfless act, I’d be able to find peace too.

  The knock at the door had me clutching my chest. My head spun a little when I first sat upright, but whoever the visitor was knocked again persistently.

  “One sec,” I called out. Glancing through the peephole, I stared into Jason’s green eyes on the other side of the threshold.

  Slowly, unlatching the locks, I opened the door. When I didn’t greet him with much of an expression at all, he wasn’t sure how to take me. The faint smile he started out with faded almost completely in a matter of seconds.

  “Did I, uh…catch you at a bad time?” he asked.

  I shook my head and steppe
d back, gesturing for him to come in. His steps halted when he got next to the couch, but he didn’t sit.

  “Did you get the flowers?” he asked.

  I sat and stared at the floor when I spoke. “Yeah, I got them. I’ve been meaning to call, I just got caught up,” was the only explanation that I offered.

  “Caught up,” he said to himself as if trying to understand what that meant.

  Instead of breaking it down further, I just stared and said nothing.

  He cleared his throat nervously and tried to strike up conversation again. “I meet with my lawyer this Friday.”

  Again, no words from me.

  “I mean so…how do you feel about that? What’re you thinking?”

  Honestly, I wasn’t thinking about anything – not about Jason anyway. As far as I was concerned, our relationship was over. I’d already made that clear once. This desperate attempt to do something he should’ve done years ago just looked faulty the longer I had to ponder it. So, in the true spirit of closure, which had been my theme for the day, I broke the news to Jason one final time.

  “I’m not telling you what to do one way or another. Whether you end your marriage or don’t end it is completely up to you and your wife. But the advice that I will pass along is this – be a father to your son, Jason. You said he plays sports. Don’t just send him money for his uniforms and gear, be there. But whatever you do, do it for you and your family, not me, because I haven’t changed my mind.”

  He stared at me half-shocked, but only lowered his head.

  “At the core, you’re a good guy, Jason. You have your flaws just like everyone else, myself included, but don’t look back in a decade, when your son doesn’t need you anymore and finally realize what you missed out on.”

  Judging by the look on his face, I got the impression that he was giving my words some serious consideration.

  There was nothing else to say in my opinion. We’d been officially broken up for nearly a week and this conversation was a mere formality – the last bit of closure that Jason needed to understand that I was standing firm on my decision. With that, he and I exchanged a surprisingly cordial goodbye and I closed the door behind him.