The Orphanage

by Hubert Fichte

  Detlev remembers that during his conversation with Siegfried the clouds parted, that it became very hot that afternoon, that the sun radiated a very yellow light, Detlev remembers the roughcast scratching his back, the smell of the warm stones, Siegfried’s clothes, he remembers exactly the distances from the stairs to the orphanage entrance, to Saint Joseph’s Fountain, to the side door of the church, also the buildings, the trees, hands, and legs all overlapping. It all lies together in Detlev’s head like a soup cube, small, rectangular, compressed — or like a shiny Christmas bauble. Siegfried’s right side is reflected on its silvery surface, large and distorted.

  In this round compressed mass of stones, smells, movement that Detlev is trying to draw apart — there are words, sentences, Detlev’s words from that day:

  — I wanted to be a saint. Alfred and the others said I have to be humble. Otherwise I’ll go to hell. That’s what the three devils said. Mummy says: Don’t forget you’re a Protestant. Grandad wants me to take up a profession so that I can look after the garden. Recently I missed playing at mass. I should have practised. I won’t even be allowed to ring the little bells as altar boy. I told one other person about it, that was Anna.

  — Anna’s epileptic.

  — What’s that?

  — It’s material that doesn’t deserve to live anyway.

  — Anna betrayed me, because she was afraid of going to hell. I know you won’t betray me, you’re called Siegfried. After Anna had betrayed me, Alfred and the other two played at being the devil. They wanted to put me in the coffin. They spoke through combs and paper, and Odel shouted into his pisspot. I didn’t believe them. But Mrs Weindeln has seen Jesus and Mary. Properly with hands and ears and with clothes and shoes. You don’t know what it’s like when the devil comes. He scratches along the wall. He bangs on the washroom door and hammers and hammers, and because you’re frightened you promise everything he wants. They lifted the coffin lid up, to force it down on my head. The air raids on Munich are nothing but the devil’s work too. I’ve seen it in Hamburg. During a raid the devil tears people’s arms and legs off. Lord Jesus Christ hasn’t appeared to me. Everyone knows what he looks like. At consecrations he’s there every time and at holy communion you even get to eat him. I don’t really know what’s happening any more. The devils said that I had painted the Christ Child with something impure between his legs. It was only a leg. The Christ Child was swinging it through the air. The devils come to me. Alfred asks me if I’m a Jew. I want to go to Hamburg to granny and grandad.

  Siegfried said :

  — You’re all at sixes and sevens. Sometimes you talk about a devil, sometimes you talk about three devils, and about Alfred and Odel as well. What is a pisspot anyway?

  — Piss means pissing and pot means pot.

  — Whoever speaks like that? Are you really not a Jew?

  — In Hamburg everyone speaks like that. Anyway, I don’t even know what a Jew is.

  — Why are you in the orphanage then?

  — Because my mother is always being given notice.

  — Why is your mother always being given notice?

  — Because my father’s dead and people don’t like mothers without fathers who are alive.

  — That’s true anyway. But why aren’t you living in Hamburg?

  — Because lots of bombs are being dropped there. I want to go to Hamburg

  — Why don’t you want to stay here? We could become friends anyway. Because you’re my man.

  — I’m not a man at all. If the devils come again and you’re sleeping in the orphanage, you’ll be frightened too.

  — Odel and Alfred and Joachim-Devil howled into the chamber pot, they’re telling everyone now. Only they don’t tell you. And the bombers, they’re the Anglo-Americans and not devils.

  — I know that just as well as you.

  — Why are you afraid of them then, as though they were real devils?

  — Because they sound like real devils. Because they behave like real devils. You would be frightened too, even if your name is Siegfried.

  — Not me. From now on I’ll protect you anyway. Alfred only wants to make you dependent on him with his lies.

  — And when the bombs fall and the people are trapped with the briquettes for days, and they have to be pulled out with broken off arms and legs, and the dead are laid out along the street in rows, as granny says, and lime is sprinkled over them. You’re not frightened when you’re in the middle of all that?

  — Not me anyway. I walk through the cemetery at night. I stayed alone in the room with the corpse of my dead uncle. Apart from that, the bombers never come here anyway. To Munich and Hamburg — but there are no strategically important targets in Scheyern.

  — Yes there are. In the forest. I saw a truck which drove slowly because it was loaded with munitions.

  — I don’t care if the devil himself is flying the enemy bombers.

  — The air raids aren’t the worst. You sit together with lots of other people, and when it gets more dangerous, you get valerian drops, and grandad looks out to see if anything has happened yet. But the worst thing is if you wake up in the middle of the night, and the moon’s shining, and the others are fast, fast asleep, and you can hear the devil under your bed. He’s got very big ears and he’s got a very big wart on his nose. The wart grows bigger and bigger and bigger. It starts to twinkle and spins round on his nose.

  And what if the devils crept into Alfred and Odel and Joachim-Devil while they were sleeping and made their arms and legs move from inside and their mouths, like they do with Punch and Judy and with the crocodile whose mouth you can snap open and shut?

  — If I protect you, perhaps you can become a saint or at least an altar boy.

  — I don’t want to be protected by you.

  — I’m stronger than you. I need a comrade-in-arms.

  — You won’t protect me without asking for something. You’re not in the orphanage often enough.

  — I want to come more often now. Alfred must be overthrown. That’s all. You should overthrow Alfred. Me too. And you. The only other person who could try to seize control is Erwin, but Sister Silissa loves him. He’s got his hands full trying to get hold of extra eggs. Alfred makes everyone dance to his tune. He’s built himself a bunker made of wooden stakes in the wood. A couple of years ago he escaped with Shaky and Rosi and Frieda and lived with them in his wooden bunker for weeks. If they hadn’t run out of food, they would still be sitting there and scaring the whole district. They want to kidnap their enemies and take them to the bunker and kill them or at least torture them.

  — When we had to pick herbs for tea for the wounded with the school, Alfred wanted to mislead me. He filled my net full of green stuff and they weren’t herbal teas at all. At school the teacher had to throw everything away again.

  — You fall for every piece of nonsense. You see, that’s how bad Alfred is. You could have gone to prison for that. Just think, handing in fake herbal teas. What if our poor, wounded soldiers had died from them? We’ll overthrow Alfred anyway. We’ll have to seize the wooden stake bunker right away, then no one else can get the better of us. Then we’ll be the ones in power and we’ll make sure that we eat eggs every day. Now I’ll tell you what your tasks are. First go quietly, very quietly, to the girls and tell them that they’re really helping Sheepface when they’re helping his sisters. Perhaps the girls will start to cry and want to run to his sisters, then you’ll have to calm them again and praise Alfred a little and say that they should just hold out a little longer, some things are going to change soon anyway. You can go to Frieda and Rosi and tell them how much their brother uses them and ask whether they don’t want to support you and the new government, because you’re the nuns’ favourite anyway.

  — Sister Appia doesn’t like me.

  — She just can’t show it. After that you go to the weak ones and to the little ones and stir them up against Alfred. Things are going to be different soon. So you run back and forth and
puff up one lot with the others. If Alfred gets wind of it, just tell me. I’ll be back when I’m needed. You have to try and make his brother abandon him. Shaky can’t stand up straight. But he’s a good spy. When they’re all against Alfred, we’ll have the upper hand, and I’ll fight with him just once, to show him that by himself he’s nothing at all. I’ll win and we’ll be in charge. Now I have to go home.

  The cleaning woman came towards Siegfried from the orphanage door.

  — I have to go with my mother now, back home to my father. Where is your father?

  — My father is dead.

  — My father is big. He’s very strong.

  — My father is bigger than your father.

  — Isn’t yours dead? My father can thrash everybody.

  — Does a father often hit his children?

  — That depends. Mine doesn’t. He doesn’t hit my mother either.

  — But my father is big and much stronger than the church tower. My father is so big, that he touches the clouds.

  — That’s impossible. Detlev is talking nonsense.

  Siegfried’s mother gave Siegfried a shove. That was supposed to mean :

  — Come on.

  — Don’t forget what you have to do.

  Siegfried’s mother went away with Siegfried.

  Siegfried beside his mother. Siegfried in front of his mother. Siegfried by Saint Joseph’s Fountain. Siegfried under the golden letters. Siegfried reflected in the shop for devotional articles. Siegfried full of rosaries.

  Siegfried didn’t come back to the orphanage until one or two weeks later. In the half year he slept three, four times in the orphanage.

  Two pairs of wrestlers :

  The group in front of Detlev parted.

  The fighters came forward.

  Alfred, Siegfried.

  Detlev, Xaver.

  Siegfried isn’t there. The group in front of Detlev gets mixed up. Legs with striped socks appear next to faces. Arms grow beside other arms, arms grow between thighs, legs grow beside ears.

  A ball of legs, heads, arms, hands.

  The dragon on the cover of the book of legends has eight green legs.

  Detlev saw the legs from the floor, Xaver’s boots above his nose. Alfred’s head hung between Siegfried’s knees.

  Siegfried’s face stuck to Alfred’s hips. Siegfried’s head between Alfred’s knees. Alfred’s face on top. Four legs. Four arms. God didn’t help Siegfried.

  Siegfried is wearing pink trousers and has a yellow shield in his hand.

  — It’s yellow shield, not yelly shield.

  There was nothing of the Lord God or the Virgin Mary to be seen on the cover. The green dragon writhed under Siegfried’s feet. Siegfried writhed under Alfred’s knees, Detlev writhed under the sole of Xaver’s right shoe.

  When Detlev had told Frieda about her brother’s wickedness, she said:

  — You’re devout. I know how bad Alfred is. Why do you want to revenge yourself on him? You don’t need to. You’re devout. After our mother had died as well, Rosi, Shaky and I agreed to regard Alfred as our father and mother.

  Detlev went to Rosi. She said:

  — None of us dares to do anything against Alfred any more. No one wants to argue with him. Rosi gave Detlev a picture of a saint. Detlev began to forget what Siegfried had told him to do.

  — I want to get my revenge on Alfred.

  Detlev tried to get Anna by herself. She ran away from him. When he approached, she quickly joined the other girls and turned her back on him.

  Detlev met her on the stairs alone. He spoke to her. She turned her head to the side and looked up and blinked. Detlev said something about the new times that would begin in the orphanage because of Siegfried. Anna didn’t stop blinking. Before Detlev could finish talking, other girls came, and Anna ran off with them. Detlev followed the girls. They hid in the girls’ dormitory.

  — Boys aren’t allowed in the girls’ dormitory.

  Detlev didn’t know how he could unobtrusively begin a conversation with the other girls about Alfred’s wickedness.

  Alfred often followed Detlev when he went over to the girls’ table. Detlev quickly took Jochen and Aloys aside in the washroom.

  — It’s about Alfred.

  — Is there something to complain about again?

  — Alfred is very bad. Things have to change.

  — He’s got a sheep’s face.

  — If he does something to you, tell us, we’ll help you. Jochen ran off to his master in the smithy. Sister Silissa came to hear Aloys sing ‘In March the farmer yokes the horses’ before going to school. When Detlev accompanied Odel to school, he considered whether he should tell him, someone who had played the devil, about the plans. He asked why Odel had played the devil.

  — I didn’t want to have a fight with Alfred. That’s why I helped him. Then I had to laugh when you screamed for your mama.

  — Alfred does what he likes with us. He’s evil.

  — Yes, he’s very evil. But he’s the best. Everything’s fine the way it is.

  Detlev didn’t dare talk to Shaky. Alfred made fun of his brother’s waddling walk. When Alfred was gone, Shaky cursed Alfred. Shaky questioned the little boys on Alfred’s behalf, where they hid their cellophane pictures, their sweets, their chalk pencils, and after Shaky had reported back Alfred stole them. Alfred had promised his brother a reward for spying, but afterwards Shaky begged for it every time in vain. The victims didn’t go to Sister Silissa to inform on Shaky and Alfred. And Shaky who had been cheated didn’t go to any of the nuns either to inform on Alfred. Shaky started to spy again, as soon as Alfred promised him some of the spoils.

  Joachim-Devil said to Detlev:

  — I can smell it, there’s going to be a rebellion.

  — Are you planning a rebellion, Joachim?

  — Not me. But there’s something like it in the air.

  — Alfred protects us all. No one’s planning a rebellion. Perhaps you are? Has Alfred hurt you?

  — I don’t want a rebellion. I thought you were planning a rebellion with Siegfried. You would have very good reason to take your revenge on Alfred. I haven’t got any reason. I’m too weak.

  — I’m also too weak. Siegfried and I alone are also too weak.

  — Three weaklings don’t make one strong man. Joachim-Devil ran away.

  Detlev explained everything to little Xaver at length. Like Detlev, little Xaver had a mother who worked in the municipal finance office and only came to visit the orphanage at weekends.

  Little Xaver said :

  — I don’t know nothing. I’m not joining anything.

  The next time, the cleaning woman was without Siegfried. The time after that Siegfried came with the cleaning woman.

  — Have you prepared everything?

  — It was difficult. I tried hard. It’s such a long time since you were here. Now you have to do something. I think you can take power now.

  Siegfried looked for Alfred. He walked up to Alfred.

  — You, it’s going to be settled today.

  Alfred tried to talk Siegfried into a bout of finger tug. Detlev was afraid that Siegfried would agree. No one in the orphanage was as good at finger tug as Alfred.

  — Finger tug is for girls. A free fight.

  Before the fight, Alfred and Siegfried took the knives and the catapults and the handkerchiefs out of their pockets. Alfred wanted to hand everything over to Detlev, for him to put them down on the table. Detlev accepted Siegfried’s things and laid them to the side. Alfred had to wait until Shaky took something from him.

  — I’ll pay you back for that. For not taking them, said Alfred to Detlev.

  The circle closed around the fighters. The onlookers climbed up on the benches, up on the table, up on the window sills. Detlev leant against the big crockery cupboard. Below in the compartment by the pots, sat the new boy. He pulled the sliding doors shut from the inside and banged his doll against the slats.

  Detlev heard him sh
outing:

  — Youking. Youking.

  Detlev thinks:

  — Peter has disappeared forever.

  The fight began. Detlev prayed.

  — Only Catholics like us can pray.

  — How do you pray?

  — Properly.

  — What’s properly?

  — We talk to God and he hears us.

  Do you talk in a special way?

  — No, only inside, without saying it out loud. And we don’t think about anything else while we’re doing it.

  — I can do that too.

  — But God doesn’t hear you.

  Detlev prays :

  — Dear Father which art in heaven, make Siegfried win, that is our salvation. Amen.

  — Blessed Mother of God in heaven, don’t let Sister Silissa or anyone else come in now. Our brother is about to win, cried Frieda.

  — Watch his knee. Just push it down Alfred.

  — Mary and Joseph, the sweatbox is doing Siegfried in, shouted Shaky.

  Rosi cried :

  — Damn it, our Holy Father in heaven wanted it this way: Our brother is winning.

  Detlev couldn’t think of any more words for his prayer. While he repeated the words, he thought of Frieda, Shaky, Rosi, of Siegfried and Alfred. He didn’t think anything particular about them. He saw their figures in front of him, he saw them raise their hands and their mouths opening and shutting.

  Detlev heard Siegfried’s voice from the sweatbox saying:

  — Alfred, if you let me go and if you don’t ride back and forward on my arms and legs and if you don’t give me any Chinese burns, I’ll tell you everything, and I’ll give you my knife.

  Siegfried fell from Alfred’s arms.

  Everyone turned round — not to Detlev — in the pause, in the silence Peter came crawling out of the crockery cupboard and struck his doll on his table.

  Detlev fell on his back.

  — Xaver, hit him on the nose.

  — Little Xaver is hitting big stupid silly Detlev on the nose with his hard fist.

  — Detlev is falling down.

  — There’s spunk in Xaver’s little legs.

  — Bite his ear, Xaver.