Winter's Harbor

by Aurora Rey

  “Thanks.” Lia let out a shaky laugh. “I’m exhausted.”

  “How about we have something to eat and have a low-key night? We can start fresh in the morning.” At this point, she felt like she could use that as much as Lia.

  “That would be perfect.”

  Alex grilled a steak for them to share, made a salad. They ate with the television on, not talking. Lia took Murphy out while Alex did the dishes. The easiness, the routine of it should have been comforting. Instead, it just felt flat.

  Lia was leaving something out. Alex didn’t know what it was, or why, but it made her uneasy. When they went to bed, she lay awake. She thought Lia might be awake, too, but she didn’t whisper her name. She didn’t know what she would say anyway. Eventually, the sky outside the window began to lighten. The alarm sounded and she was still awake, no closer to answers than she’d been the night before.

  Chapter Thirty-six

  Lia didn’t know what to do. It was nearly a week after Dani had come and gone and she couldn’t seem to quiet her mind. It kept replaying the conversation in the condo overlooking the water. Dani essentially offered her the option to be kept, and lavishly kept at that. Days later, she couldn’t wrap her head around it.

  Clearly, something in their decade-long relationship had given Dani the idea that she would consider such a proposition. The more Lia thought about it, the less she liked the possible reasons. As much as she valued her work and took it seriously, it was never a major factor in their household budget. Dani covered the mortgage and many of the bills, the fancy restaurants and the vacations. Lia never objected because they weren’t things that she chose, or even necessarily wanted.

  But still. She didn’t object to them and often enjoyed them. She paid for her own car, the groceries because she did the shopping and cooking, and her own clothes, except for the designer label things Dani gave her as gifts. It seemed so paltry now. It was like she’d been kept all along. The idea was repugnant.

  All that combined with Alex asking her to move in with her. She knew it wasn’t fair, but she couldn’t manage to separate the two. A little voice in the back of her mind taunted her that she’d merely go from being dependent on one woman to being dependent on another. In the moments she was able to quiet that voice, to see that Alex and Dani were nothing alike, she was overcome with other doubts. The most insidious was that Alex pitied her, offering her a place to stay because she had nowhere else to go. It was followed closely by the fear that Alex would tire of her, as Dani had. If that happened, she’d be worse off than she was now.

  She tried meditating, she talked to Sally, she made lists. It was useless. She couldn’t shake the churning in her stomach and the feeling that she was on the verge of making a terrible mistake. It didn’t help matters that she was running out of time. She had to vacate her apartment in five days.

  On a Tuesday morning, she arrived home from spending another tense and restless night at Alex’s and began packing. In four hours, she filled the same boxes and suitcases she’d unpacked nearly six months before. She arranged them in her car before cleaning out the refrigerator and pantry, making sure everything was left as she’d found it. She took down the two photographs from the wall, her first purchases in Provincetown that she’d come to think of as a symbol of her independence.

  When she was done, Lia checked her watch. It was quarter to three. She’d be able to catch Alex just as the café was closing. There was no point in putting off the inevitable.

  On the short walk, she thought about the fact that it would be the last time she did so. Even if things somehow managed to work out, she would never again call the little apartment on Vine home. She’d come to escape and had found so much more than she bargained for. Feeling her resolve start to weaken, Lia dug her fingernails into the palms of her hands. When she arrived at the café, she would do her best to explain and hopefully Alex would understand.

  *

  Alex flipped the sign to “Closed.” Five days ago, she’d been doing the exact same thing when a tall, beautiful woman walked in the door and changed everything. Five days since Lia had been herself.

  As far as she was concerned, Lia’s ex showing up and offering to buy her a condo was almost laughable. Yet, Lia remained edgy and quiet. She didn’t talk about Dani, nor did she bring up Alex’s proposal that they move in together. She offered half-smiles and repeatedly had to be pulled back into conversations.

  With each passing day, Alex became increasingly worried that Lia had more unresolved feelings for her ex than she admitted, maybe even to herself. Alex wanted to press the issue, but feared she might inadvertently pick a fight. One minute she was angry with Lia for throwing a wrench into what had been the best and easiest relationship she’d ever had. The next, she wanted to kick herself for letting down her defenses, for caring so much in the first place.

  Lia hadn’t even come in that day, which made her surly and a little paranoid. She contemplated showing up on Lia’s doorstep and refusing to leave until Lia put her out of her misery one way or the other. Of course, that could open the floodgate on a whole different kind of misery. She tried not to think of that as an option.

  When Lia showed up, looking pale and tired, Alex knew something was wrong. Barely pausing to take a breath, Lia launched into a speech about needing to get away, take some time, sort out her feelings. When she was done, Alex gaped at her. “You’re leaving? Leaving leaving? I don’t understand.”

  “I need to think, and I can’t seem to do it here. I need to go somewhere neutral for a little while and figure everything out.”

  “But you’ve cleaned out your apartment. You’re taking everything with you.”

  “I have to move out in a few days anyway. It’s purely logistical.”

  Even if what she said made sense, the only message getting through to Alex’s brain was that Lia was leaving. A little voice in her head added that it was for good. “You’re running away.”

  “It’s not running. I’m clearing my head.”

  It was a feeble excuse, and Lia had to know how unconvincing she sounded. Maybe she didn’t care. The anger and frustration of the last few days were replaced by terror. Alex contemplated begging, as well as stealing Lia’s keys. It was a level of desperation she had never felt. Before she could stop herself, the ugliness of it came tumbling out.

  “I’m not asking you to marry me. I’m not even asking you to buy a house with me. You’re about to become homeless. I love you and I want you to stick around. Is that really so shocking? Or so difficult?” Alex regretted the words the moment she said them. Lia looked like she’d been slapped. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that.”

  “I just can’t. I’m not ready. I need to think. I need to sort everything out.”

  Hearing the same phrase did nothing to make it sound any better. Panic licked at her and it took all of her self-control to keep her voice calm. “Are you going back to New York?”

  Lia squared her shoulders. “No.”

  She wasn’t convinced. “Where then? Where are you going to go?”

  “Louisiana.”

  To Alex, it felt a world away. As wretched as it was, as much as she wanted to do something about it, she knew in her gut that it was beyond her control. “I wish you’d reconsider.”

  “I know. I wish it was different, too. I have to do this.”

  “Do you have to leave right now?”

  “If I don’t, I’m afraid I might not ever.”

  “Would that really be so bad?” As hard as she tried, Alex couldn’t keep the hitch out of her voice.

  Lia offered a sad smile. “I’ll be in touch, I promise.”

  She hurried out without looking back. Alex went through her cleaning routine in a fog. Over and over, she wondered if she’d somehow imagined the whole thing, that it was some sort of bad dream and Lia would be waiting for her at her usual table, or upstairs on the sofa. Reality was always there, however, like a crushing weight on her lungs. Lia wasn’t waiting
for her; she was gone.

  She made her way upstairs and found Murphy with his tail wagging, blissfully ignorant of the fact that his second favorite human wasn’t coming over later, or tomorrow, or the day after that. She changed her clothes and picked up his leash. They headed straight for the beach and she spent the next hour trying to run off the hurt and anger churning through her.

  Rather than clearing her mind, she only managed to spin scenarios that became more and more lurid. When she finally sat down on the warm sand, Alex was convinced that Lia had decided to return to Dani, that she was trying to escape without having a big fight. The logical part of her knew that was unlikely, but it didn’t keep her brain from generating images of Lia in Dani’s arms, or worse.

  Chapter Thirty-seven

  When Lia crossed from Connecticut into New York, she veered north slightly toward White Plains and the Tappan Zee Bridge. She’d easily make up the additional miles by avoiding the worst of New York City traffic. She also wanted to avoid Manhattan altogether. She wasn’t tempted to stop there, but she felt the need to keep as much distance as possible.

  She spent one night in Pennsylvania, another in Tennessee. Her body was exhausted enough to sleep, but it was fitful and filled with strange dreams. She fought the urge to text Alex. There was nothing useful to say and a casual greeting seemed cruel to them both.

  She arrived at Sally’s house exhausted. Every muscle in her body ached from the hours spent sitting in the same position. Her stomach was both empty and unsettled. She’d been subsisting primarily on crackers and Diet Coke for the better part of three days. Although she’d not wanted anything else, it was starting to catch up with her.

  With only the most basic of questions, Sally welcomed her with open arms. She had Logan bunk with Charlie and set Lia up in his room. Lia spent the weekend playing with the boys and catching up with Will, whom she hadn’t seen in over a year. Lia couldn’t forget why she was there, but she slept better and had moments of feeling almost like herself. Always looming, though, were thoughts of Alex and the question of what she was going to do.

  On the morning of her third day at Sally’s, Sally put her sons on the bus and called in to work. She didn’t tell Lia it was an intervention, but Lia knew. Subtlety wasn’t really Sally’s thing. Once the house was clear, she made breakfast and a big pot of coffee. “Let’s sit out on the patio.”

  Although only April, the temperature was already pushing eighty and the humidity made everything feel damp. Lia realized just how much she’d lost her tolerance for Southern weather. She sipped her coffee and looked over at her friend, who looked as cool as a tall glass of iced sweet tea. Sally was one of those women who didn’t sweat; she glistened.

  After they ate, Sally set aside their plates and leaned forward on the glass-top table. “What are you doing?”

  If it was anyone but Sally, she might have played dumb and given a literal answer. Since it was Sally, she slumped back in her chair and told the truth. “I’m getting away. I’m giving myself some space so I can figure everything out. Where I can figure myself out.”

  “It seems to me like you’ve figured yourself out just fine.”

  Lia huffed. She’d filled Sally in on the Dani debacle and the tense, restless days that followed. “Have I? It feels like I’ve just allowed myself to get swept up in something that feels good. I don’t know if I can trust it and I sure as hell can’t control it.”

  “And?”

  “And I feel like, with Dani, I was sort of kept.” It still disgusted her to think about it. “I really don’t want to rid myself of that only to be beholden to Alex.”

  Sally sighed. “You realize those two things and those two people have absolutely nothing to do with one another.”

  Lia cringed. The women were most definitely different. The situations still bore some eerie similarities. “Yes?”

  “And that they were asking you for completely different things.”

  “Were they? Both involve me relying on another woman for the roof over my head.”

  Sally shook her head. “I get that you have a penchant for being down on yourself. I hate it, but I get it. Do you really think so little of Alex?”

  She hadn’t thought about it that way. In her angst, it was so easy to focus on everything wrong with herself, all the reasons she shouldn’t—couldn’t—trust herself. Alex had laid her heart on the table, along with the keys to her home. All she’d asked Lia to do was take them. How was it Sally always knew the right button to push? “Well, fuck.”

  “Mmm hmm. Exactly. Are you in love with her?”

  She didn’t hesitate in her answer, didn’t need to. “Yes.”

  “Do you believe she is in love with you?”

  “I do.” She did. Whatever she was afraid of, whatever horrible scenarios her brain invented, she believed that Alex loved her. And that love felt more genuine than what she’d ever had with Dani or anyone else.

  “Well, I think you have your answer.”

  Could it really be as easy as that? Lia rolled her eyes. She did over think everything. It was one of her most consistent and annoying habits. “So now what do I do?”

  Sally folded her arms. “She isn’t going to chase you. You’re not a possession to her, something to be retrieved. She laid her cards on the table, went all in. You have to decide what to do with it.”

  “Since when do you use poker metaphors?”

  Sally glared at her, clearly unamused. “Since when do you not go after what you want?”

  The question hung between them. Sally held her gaze. Lia thought about being eight and wanting to play baseball with her brothers. She settled for the “Lassie League” softball team, but she insisted on practicing with her brothers. Staying out with them long after the street lights came on, she learned how to run harder and throw further than any of the other girls. She thought about deciding to go away for college. She submitted applications and entered scholarship competitions and became the first member of her family, as well as the only girl in her class at Sacred Heart, to attend school outside of the southeast. She used to pride herself on being fearless.

  When had that gone away? She realized with distaste that it was one more casualty of her time with Dani. Leave it to Sally to bring her to her senses. She looked at her friend, a woman who’d loved her and stood by her better than any sister she could have ever wanted. She felt her eyes fill up with tears. She blinked them away and lifted her chin, just as Sally had encouraged her to do when girls at school called her “dyke” and “lezzy.”

  “Since too long.”

  Sally punched her on the arm affectionately. “That’s my girl. So, what are you going to do about it?”

  She thought about the three miserable days it took her to drive to Louisiana. Although driving back would take the same amount of time, at least she wouldn’t have the discomfort of riding the whole way with her tail between her legs. She smiled. “I guess I’ll get back in my car.”

  “Ha. Aren’t you glad you didn’t unpack?”

  She thought about the boxes and suitcases filling her car. Aside from a single duffel bag of clothes and toiletries, she’d left everything where she’d put it when she left Provincetown. What had been an act of avoidance turned out to be a saving grace. “I most certainly am.”

  With the decision made, Lia was tempted to get on the road right then and there. She relented, however, and spent the rest of the afternoon with Sally, then drove to Vacherie and had supper with her parents. She spent the night in her childhood bedroom, allowing herself to feel comforted, rather than smothered, by it.

  Her alarm was set for six, but Lia woke at five. She’d slept well, felt rested and ready. She drove out of her parents’ driveway and began the long journey northeast just as the sun began peeking over the horizon.

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  When Lia took the exit ramp for the Sagamore Bridge, traffic was at a near standstill. She’d stopped in Connecticut for a few hours of sleep so she wouldn’t
be a danger to herself or others. The unfortunate side effect was that she approached Cape Cod at noon on a beautiful spring Saturday. The last ninety miles of her journey would likely take hours.

  Lia took a deep breath and tried not to panic. She would see Alex; she would make her case and offer her heart. The rest would be up to Alex. Considering she’d been gone for over a week, a few hours would unlikely make a difference one way or the other.

  It took her an hour to get over the bridge, but once on the Cape, traffic eased noticeably. If all went well and Provincetown became her home, she would have to become strategic in planning any ventures onto the mainland. Lia allowed herself to imagine what it would be like to settle in the town she’d grown to love. She’d enjoy the high season, and respect the prosperity it brought that sustained life throughout the rest of the year. Likely, though, she’d always be partial to the winter months when the locals hunkered down and enjoyed each other and the quiet.

  Realizing she was getting ahead of herself, Lia brought her attention back to her surroundings. Although she’d been mindful of the road and the vehicles around her, she’d stopped paying attention to signs and mile markers. She was pleasantly surprised to find herself almost to Wellfleet.

  Excitement gave way to anxiety as she registered the possibility that the next few hours might determine not only her future with Alex, but also her connection to Provincetown. As much as she loved it, the thought of living there without Alex in her life was something she couldn’t even contemplate. Even if she could find a way to afford it, which she probably couldn’t, her heart would break all over again every day she wasn’t with Alex.

  Traffic slowed again as she made her way into town. Bradford Street was bumper-to-bumper cars, all trying to avoid the sea of pedestrians on Commercial. Realizing she wouldn’t find street parking anywhere near the bakery, Lia pulled into a municipal lot a few blocks away.