Counting the Days

by Hope Riverbank

  “What do you mean White Bullet tossed you? You’ve been riding that horse for years,” my mother said surprised and perplexed. “You grew up with that horse…she knows you very well. Did you tell Mr. Frank about the incident?”

  Oh my goodness, I forgot about Mr. Frank, the ranch owner. His wife and my mother are good friends. For sure they will talk and mom will find out the truth. She was trying to get me to look her in her eyes, so I turned up the water works. She wrapped her arms around me and began stroking my hair. “I don’t know mom, she just threw me. She must’ve seen something and got spooked. I don’t know. If it wasn’t for Danny being there with me, I probably would have been out there all night long.” With the mention of Danny’s name, I could feel her tense up. She stopped stroking my hair and turned me toward her.

  “Honey, what’s going on? These days you’re fighting in bars and staying out all night long with boys. White Bullet throws you and you don’t even call me to let me know that you’re hurt. You’re all black and blue and beat up,” she paused and taking a deep breath continued, “I know that you had this boy in the house last night. Catherine told me this morning. I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately. You’ve been changing and it all began when you met this boy.”

  I know that my mother was being concerned, but I had to get her off my back, so I got defensive and replied nastily, “You have our neighbors spying on me. How dare you bring them into my business?”

  “Marilyn, please don’t start getting defensive, Catherine and I went for a jog this morning and she happened to mention to me that your boyfriend was here last night. That’s how I found out and, besides, you are my business.” She got up and sat down at my desk.

  “Well, if you need to know something, all you have to do is ask. I have never given you any reason not to trust me. I’ve always told you the truth about everything.” I swung my legs over the edge of my bed. Pain. Not a time to show that I was hurting. Keep a stiff upper lip and play it cool.

  “Marilyn, honey, I do trust you, but you are just out of high school. You’re young and new to this adult world. And everyone you meet is not going to be nice, guys especially. You’re going to start meeting all types of people. Some nice and some not so nice…your also going to meet some that seem nice, but are really creepy.”

  “Mom, Danny and I just watched a little television. That’s all. I know you saw all the throws on the couch. We watched movies. Big deal and, besides, I think he was only here for a little over an hour.” I slowly got up and walked over to my dresser. I pulled out a pair of shorts and a tank top. I tried walking more quickly as I headed for my bathroom. My entire body screamed out in pain. Once in the bathroom, I sat on the edge of my tub and slowly began getting dressed.

  I could here my mother’s frustration on the other side of the bathroom door. She was pacing back and forth muttering under her breath. “Marilyn, a lot can happen in an hour,” she finally hollered through the door and continued, “Sweetheart, you know the rules. You are not allowed to bring boys into my home when I’m not here. You know better than that. I don’t know what’s gotten into you. Since you met this Danny, you’ve been using really poor judgment and now you’re even breaking the house rules.”

  Man is she ever going to let me grow up or what? I came out of the bathroom and retorted, “Mom, please you have to understand…I’m not a little girl anymore and the sooner you get that through your head the better off we’ll both be. I didn’t do anything with Danny in this house. I can’t believe that you would even think that I would be that stupid.” I could see that I had touched a nerve and was about to go to a place that I have never been with my mother.

  “Marilyn, you need to remember who you’re talking to…I’m not one of your friends and you are crossing boundaries here. You will not have any boys in my home when I’m not here. That’s a rule that WILL NOT be broken. Do you understand me?” I could see in her face that she meant business, but that wasn’t going to stop me from ramming in my horns. We argued for quite a bit before things really took a turn toward ugly. If I had known that today was going to be the last time that I would see my mother for the next few years, maybe I would have given her a hug or something and maybe I would have stopped being a spoiled brat.

  Let’s throw it all out there and get to the nitty gritty, “Why do you hate Danny so much? Why can’t you just be happy for me? You know, mom, I finally meet a nice guy and all you can do is nag, nag, nag.” I walked over and began to make my bed. The tears were flowing freely now.

  “Dear…I have to go by mother’s intuition and tell you that I don’t see anything good about this guy. He just doesn’t hit my gut right. This boy is no good and I have a feeling that deep down you know it too. Marilyn, talk to me please. Honey, what’s gotten into you?” She paused momentarily and asked, “What are you hiding?”

  I continued cleaning my room as she followed my every move. “Forget it. You’ll never understand,” I said trying to avoid making eye contact with her.

  She grabbed me and stared me straight in the face. “Honey, have any of these accidents, as you call them, have any of them happened because of him?”

  I freed myself from her and sat down at my desk. I began putting my socks and shoes on and said, “Mom, please, you have to trust me and believe that I know what I’m doing.”

  “Marilyn, I do trust you, but I also can see that you’re hurting both physically and emotionally. You’re hiding something from me. I gave birth to you and I know you’re not telling me something,” she paused trying desperately to reason with me. “Honey, I was young once too. I remember what it felt like to be that much in love. When you’re that much in love, you feel like you’ll die without him. You can’t breathe, you can’t sleep, and you can’t eat, nothing. You’ll do anything it takes to keep this boy happy,” she said calmly as her body language pleaded with me. “Please, if he is hurting you or causing you to hurt yourself, you need help. Honey, I only hope that you would tell me.” Her eyes, those eyes, pleaded with me.

  I looked her straight in the face and said, “Mom, Danny has not hurt me in any way. I love him, that’s all.”

  She grabbed my right arm and showed me the huge bruise on it. “Is this how much Danny loves you?”

  Nervously I pulled away from her and retorted a response. “You don’t know anything about him. He didn’t give me any of these bruises. He’s gentle and kind. And yes, he does love me. He makes me feel pretty and sexy. I don’t know why I’m bothering talking to you, you’ll never understand,” I paused and before she could say another word I went in for the kill, “Why do you have to be jealous of me? Why can’t you just be happy for me? I don’t know why I’m wasting my breath you don’t know anything about men. You could never keep any of your boyfriends happy. You always have to be so prim and proper, you’re like the ice queen, always so frigid, never loosening up. Everything has to be your way or the highway. Not one of all the guys you’ve had throughout the years would stay around, because you’re so stiff necked. You couldn’t even keep my father happy, he had to get it from somewhere else.”

  My mother was totally caught off guard. I have never spoken to her like that ever before. I stared at her with anticipation. I didn’t know what to expect. I couldn’t move, I felt both afraid and exhilarated.

  Finally, my mother regained her tongue and spoke the words that would forever change my life. “Leave my house this minute. Do not come back. Do not take anything except the clothes you’ve got on…the rest of it all belongs to me. Now, get out.”

  Is she serious? She can’t be serious? Why didn’t she just smack me or something? Oh no, she really means business, I can see it in her face. Stop this Marilyn. Say you’re sorry and that you didn’t mean it…any of it. This is your mother and you can’t live out on your own. You can’t live without her. You’re not nearly close to being ready. You don’t even have a job. What are you going to do for money? Where are you going to live?

  I looked her straight in
the face and said, “Goodbye Mother,” and then walked out the front door never to look back again.

  Later On – 1514 Days Left

  I was so wound up that I paced back and forth across Jenny’s living room. Of all my friends, I knew that Jenny would be the only person that would understand. I also hoped that she would invite me to crash at her house until I was able to work something out.

  “I can’t believe she threw you out, Marilyn. What are you going to do now?” Jenny asked. The gears in Jenny’s head were grinding and I knew that she was going to try to validate my story to see if I was lying. It was written all over her face, she didn’t know whether to believe my story or not. She did, however, look concerned for me nevertheless.

  “I haven’t the faintest idea what I’m going to do. I don’t have a job so I don’t know how I’m going to pay rent for an apartment. School starts in a few weeks. I don’t know what I’m going to do?” We both sat down on the couch and quietly talked things out. “I don’t know what got over her. One second we were chit chatting, all happy and then, POW, she started ranting and raving about how rotten Danny is and how he’s going to mess up my whole life. She even suggested that I was the cause of my father leaving. Can you believe that?” I was getting good at this lying thing.

  Jenny stared at me for a moment, trying to figure out if I was lying or not. I’ve never lied to her before, so she won’t suspect it now. She hesitated and then said, “Marilyn, I don’t know what to think. It just doesn’t sound like your mother. I mean, did you do or say something to tick her off?” Jenny was trying to validate my story in her mind.

  “No…she asked me why I was all bruised and stuff and when I told her why, she jumped on me. She blamed Danny. Jenny, he would never hurt me on purpose. I don’t know what got into her,” I said as cool as a cucumber.

  “Why are you all bruised up? You haven’t told me yet,” Jenny inquired glaring at me wide eyed waiting for an explanation.

  “Well, you were there the other night when Tina and I got into the fight. I got a couple of wallops that night and yesterday, White Bullet tossed me. Danny had nothing to do with either,” I said matter-of-factly and was up and pacing again.

  Jenny’s facial expression changed and I knew that a lecture was coming. “Danny had nothing to do with the fight in the bar the other night? Marilyn, are you going insane or are you just nuts? The other night at the bar, Tina was all but giving a lap dance to your so-called boyfriend who, I might remind you, was enjoying her attention very much. Danny was undressing Tina with his eyes way before you and she got into it. Also, if I may remind you, last week he demanded, no, he commanded that he drive Tina home from Mike’s party. Do you remember that much?”

  “Tina lives on his way home. That’s all. Nothings going on, he said so himself, and I believe him. Tina’s just a pig and was just trying to get his attention. He doesn’t have any feelings for her. Trust me, I know. She must have been angry with me about something and she was trying to get back at me. That’s all.” The memory of his disappearing with the waitress last week popped right up into my mind. But I knew better than to tell Jenny about that incident. Believe me, that story would go with me to my grave. I am so glad that I had decided not to tell her, because she would never have understood and it would have just given her more ammunition against Danny. I sat down again on the couch.

  “Marilyn, you’ve got to wake up. There’s something about this guy, he’s not on the level. Dear, you have your whole life ahead of you. Why don’t you just slow it down a little?” Jenny pleaded with heartfelt eyes.

  I couldn’t help but love her. I knew that she meant well, but I was going to defend my feelings for Danny no matter what. So in my defense I said, “Look who’s talking. You and Paul are pretty serious and you guys have your whole lives ahead of you. Why don’t you guys slow your relationship down? Besides what’s the big deal, I’m just having a little fling before going to medical school. It’s not like Danny and I are getting married or something.” I just hope that someday the little fling will turn into forever.

  “First of all, Paul and I have been going out for a long time. And I know that you and Danny aren’t getting married, but Marilyn you’ve changed over the last few weeks. You’re moody all the time and you’re always on the defensive, especially when it comes to him. You have to admit that you really don’t know anything about him,” Jenny said sitting down next to me. “Look, I’m just worried about you. Ever since you and he met, bad things have been happening to you and you’re just not thinking clearly.”

  “And it’s all Danny’s fault, right? When he came into my life, all of a sudden I was cursed with bad karma. Could it be that maybe, just maybe, I’ve been a little careless?” I retorted sarcastically. “You know, I have a lot of things on my mind. For one, I’m a little nervous about school and stuff. In a few weeks I begin embarking on the biggest adventure in my life. Medical school…and I’m just a little stressed out about it. I just wanted to enjoy my summer and have a little fun. That’s all.”

  “I know that you’re under a lot of pressure with medical school coming up, but all I’m saying is that you should just slow your relationship with Danny down a little. Just slow it down a notch,” Jenny said sincerely. “Don’t invest your heart. That’s all.”

  “Too late,” I mumbled under my breath.

  “Marilyn,” Jenny said shaking her head, “don’t tell me you’re in love with him…are you?”

  All these weeks, I hid my feelings about Danny from all my friends. I felt guilty that I hadn’t even shared the basics of my relationship with Jenny. Suddenly, I was shaken to my foundation, but it was time to be honest and to tell Jenny all. I began with, “Jen, I love him so much. When he’s not around, I can see him, smell him, taste him, feel him. I’ve never felt this way about anyone ever before. I’ve tried so hard to put him out of my mind, but I can’t help it. I think about him every minute of every day. I feel like a helpless fool.” Jenny hugged me and immediately the tears started pouring. “Jen, I’m so sorry that I haven’t told you about any of this. It’s just that everyone’s been on my back about him. It seems like no one likes him, so I thought it was better to stay quiet.” Pour it on thick, Marilyn, and win that sympathy plea.

  “It’s okay, Marilyn,” Jenny replied. “We’ve been friends for so long, I should have known that you were falling for him. All the clues were there, but I didn’t pick up on them.” Jenny got up and handed me a box of tissues. “I’m sorry that I gave you such a hard time about him. I just have this bad feeling…but if you love him, I guess I could try to get to know him better. I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.”

  “Thanks. You know, Jenny, you’re the only person I can really talk to. I’m going to try and reach my father or Danny tomorrow morning. I’m sure that one of them will come up with a plan. Until I talk to them, can I stay here with you?” I asked.

  “Yeah, you can crash here, but please, Marilyn, try to contact your dad before you call Danny. Your dad will give you the best advice. Danny’s judgment will be clouded, he’s a guy and he will have only one thing on his mind,” Jenny admonished.

  Now why did she have to go there? I could feel every hair stand up on the back of my neck. “Man, what is up with you and my mother? You guys must really think that I’m stupid.”

  “No, that’s not true, I don’t think that you’re stupid. It’s just that your father will have your best interests at heart and Danny will be thinking like a guy. That’s all I meant.”

  “Why does everyone think that Danny is only out to get me in the sack? Besides, why is my having sex with him such a bad thing?” I could feel my ears burning, I was getting so angry. “He’s never tried to do anything more with me than I wanted him to do and he stops every time I tell him to. You and Paul have gone all the way, so you have no right to be lecturing me about this stuff.”

  “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to lecture you, but you have to understand that it took Paul and me a long time
before we had sex. We wanted to wait for the right opportunity. It was a big step for both of us, and, believe it or not, we waited almost two years before we did it the first time. You and Danny just met and he’s a guy. Just wait a while before you do it. That’s all. Make sure he’s the right guy.”

  “No kidding…first of all, I plan on waiting until I’m married before I give it up. And secondly, Danny and I haven’t done anything remotely close to it yet.” At least I don’t think we have.

  “Good, because you may think that you’re in love and all, but it takes a long time before you’ll know if he’s the right one. And besides, you have medical school,” Jenny said heading for the linen closet.

  “What do you mean? I might think I’m in love. I know I’m in love. I feel the heat and passion every time he kisses me. I know he’s the real thing.” I said defensively. “And what makes you think I’m giving up medical school?”

  Jenny came over with some clean linen and motioned for me to follow her. She took me to her brothers’ room. He’s been married for a few years. “You can crash here in Jimmy’s room for as long as you need to. I talked to my mother about it earlier and she said that it was fine. You’re more than welcome to use that phone over there to call your father. You know where the bathroom is if you need to shower or something,” Jenny paused. “I’m glad you’re here. Well, I have a date with my pillow and I’m really tired, so I’m going to bed now. I’ll see you in the morning. Marilyn, try to relax and get a good night’s sleep,” Jenny said leaving the room.