by Colet Abedi
I felt as if someone had punched me in the gut when she sent me that text.
My entire world dropped out from beneath me weeks ago, and I don’t think I’ve really slept since that night. So here I am at my house in LA, sitting on the goddamn couches that Kerri made me get to cozy the place up. Staring at the plants she tried to get me to pay attention to, surrounded by everything she changed to warm up my home, and I know that the only thing that makes it feel any good is her. She’s what brings it to life. She is my beginning and end.
I run a hand through my hair and shake my head. I wonder how much longer I’ll have to endure without her.
My phone rings—it’s Trev. I’m actually relieved when I see his name. I need to talk to someone.
“She knows,” are the first words out of my mouth.
“Don’t I know it,” Trevor says to my surprise.
“She called you?”
“Yes,” my friend says, and he sounds sad. “She called me and told me the whole fucking mother lode.”
What the fuck? “Did she tell you she’s pregnant?”
“Yes,” he says to my relief.
That gives me hope. If Kerri opened up about the baby, then she’s contemplating keeping it, which is more than I can hope for. For the past few days, my mind has been in a dark place where I thought she might terminate. The thought makes me sick, because I want this baby with her. I know she still could, but this at least is hope.
Trevor continues to keep his mouth shut.
“And?” I hiss when Trevor continues to keep his mouth shut. “What the fuck?”
“I don’t owe you shit. I told you what I thought about this entire fucked scheme of yours, how I felt about it, so don’t attack me.”
“Then why did you call?” I snap.
“Because she’s sad, bro.” When he says this, my heart stops. “She didn’t stop crying, asking me if I knew about your plan. I felt so shitty. Like a complete asshole. Kerri is heartbroken. Your baby mama is heartbroken.”
I didn’t think it was possible to feel any worse. “Is she—” I can barely say the words. “Did she tell you if she’s keeping the baby?”
Trevor is silent for a long while. “I don’t know. She didn’t say. But she doesn’t sound very happy about it, and to be real with you, bro, I can’t say that I blame her.”
I’d like to tell Trev to go fuck himself, but how can I? I’m mad at his words, but I have no right to be. “Where is she?”
“She wouldn’t tell me and I only asked once,” he says, making me glad he showed some loyalty. “And she first texted from a blocked number then called after I told her I’d pick up. By the way, she’s apparently as fucked up as you in the secrecy department.”
“Tell me about it. I can’t find her and she won’t reach out to me…I don’t know what to do.” I hate how helpless I feel.
“The only thing I can tell you now is to be as real as you can.” Trevor sounds sad for me. “It’s a fucked situation because you and I both know she has every right to never speak to you or see you again.”
“I know that.” I can’t deny it.
“But because I’m your brother, I want you to be happy,” He sighs heavily. “And I think Kerri can make you happy, but honestly, the river of shit between you…I just don’t know how you can cross it.”
“I don’t have a choice. I have to find a goddamn way.”
And I mean it. I need her. And she needs me. I feel as if I’m on a sick, fucked up merry-go-round going in circles, seeing glimpses of different moments with Kerri. Her smile. Her touch. Every part of her.
I’m furious she won’t take my call, but I understand it…still fucking furious, but I know I have no right to be.
“If you want to be with her, you’re going to have to make it right with her father.”
I hadn’t even realized Trevor was still on the phone. But what he says is what I’ve been grappling with for two weeks.
“How can I do that?” My voice rises in frustration. “How can I do that without betraying every single part of my sister’s memory?”
“You forgive him because he didn’t make your sister jump.” Trevor’s voice is solemn. “She did that herself and you know it. Tanya was struggling and none of us saw how bad. We didn’t realize what was going on inside of her mind…but Harrington didn’t force her to take her own life.”
I hate that he’s right. I fucking hate it with every part of my being. “Goddammit! That piece of shit hurt her! He broke her heart and shattered her into a million pieces. He broke her and he didn’t even care.”
“He did. He did everything you say. But at the end of the day, you know what Jon Harrington did isn’t uncommon or rare. It happens all the goddamn time. It could happen to my daughter too. I’ll try my hardest to protect her from it, but it could.”
I close my eyes against his words. Everything he’s saying are thoughts I’ve never allowed myself to dwell on.
“You know I’m right, Ian.”
Trevor is right, but I still don’t know how to reconcile it. I don’t know how to forgive him.
“You need to figure out what matters more to you,” he says. “The fucked up past filled with tragedy and sadness, or this magic you seem to have found with Kerri. What means more?”
****
My conversation with Trevor drove me mad, so I came out to the club.
Sometimes when my mind is fucked beyond measure, I come here to find my balance again. But that’s not the only reason why I’m here tonight. Tonight I came here thinking I could find a woman who turns me on—thinking I could piss on Trevor’s advice and fuck Kerri out of my mind. Thinking maybe one of the women here would turn me on enough that I wouldn’t want her back.
Not one of the women appeals to me.
Not one. All I see, all I want is Kerri.
So I’m sitting on the couch, doing damage to my liver and staring at the sea of faces, wondering how the fuck I’m going to navigate the shit show that is now my life.
My private phone rings, and I answer.
“Colt Harrington has entered the club.” My head of security’s voice is hard, menacing even over the phone. “What would you like to do, boss?”
I should be surprised her brother is here, but I’m not. “Bring him to me.”
I sit back and await Colt Harrington. A few minutes later, the door opens and he enters the room. Kerri’s brother doesn’t look happy when his eyes settle on me. In fact, he looks as though he wants to beat the shit out of me. Maybe even kill me—actually, most definitely that. I smile in anticipation.
Part of me welcomes the attack.
We stare each other down.
Colt is the first to break the silence.
“Nice place you have here.”
“We cater to every desire.” I lean back in the chair and stare at him. “I’m sure you can find whatever you happen to be craving. From what I remember, I think you might be partial to redheads?” I can’t resist referring to his fiancée who cheated on him with his father. I want him to know that I know what a piece of shit his dad is.
Colt’s only reaction is the slight tightening of his jaw. “I’m not into this kind of shit.”
“You’d be surprised.”
“I doubt that.” His voice is cold. He walks over to the window and looks down at the people. His gaze then pins mine. “You must be all sorts of fucked up.”
I smile. “Aren’t we all?”
“Is that what you say to make yourself feel better about my sister?”
“You don’t know what I feel about your sister.” I know he can hear the fury in my voice.
“Don’t I?” Colt cocks an arrogant brow.
“You’re standing in my club,” I warn him.
Colt laughs. “Is that supposed to frighten me?”
“Why are you here?” I ask pointedly.
“I came to personally tell you that you’ve won,” he says in a voice devoid of emotion. “The board has asked for my father’s
immediate and swift resignation.”
The joy I thought this news would bring me fails to appear. Instead, my victory feels hollow. I stare into Jon Harrington’s son’s face and can’t help but feel shame.
Colt claps. “Congratulations are in order. You won.”
I watch him quietly.
“You got your revenge.” Colt gives me a wide, fake smile, but his gaze is glacial. “You destroyed my father. And you broke my sister’s heart.”
I feel as if he’s punched me in the gut.
“What?” Colt’s voice is cold. “Where’s the victorious smile? Shouldn’t you be patting yourself on the back? This moment is the culmination of all your plotting and schemes. This is the revenge you wanted for your sister.”
“Get out.”
“I don’t want to,” Colt says. “You see, I’m here now for some revenge on my sister’s behalf. I’m sure you can understand.”
I rise from my chair, and we stare at each other down. His presence and words enrage me, and if he doesn’t get out, I don’t know what I’ll do. Yes, Colt Harrington is definitely hitting nerves.
“You should leave.”
“What’s got you so wound up?” Colt smiles knowingly. “Did you make the mistake of falling in love with Kerri?”
I don’t respond, and Colt laughs.
“Of course you did!” He shakes his head. “Even though I’m her brother and biased, I don’t think it would be too hard to do. You should have seen the guys in high school who chased after her.”
“Get out, Colt.”
“I guess the silver lining here is that she’s fucking beautiful, smart as hell, and has a heart of gold. She’ll have no problem finding another man to make her happy. And let’s be honest, Sutherland, my sister is the catch of the century. Very soon you’ll be nothing but a bad memory.”
“Like hell.” He says the wrong fucking thing.
His words make me see black, and Colt and I go for each other at the exact same moment. We hit each other with brute force and I’m actually surprised by how strong he is. I’m able to get two solid jabs into his chest before he hits me hard in the face. I fall back on the chair and have to shake my head. What the…
There’s no need to hold back. Colt is out for blood and I’m happy to oblige. We each get a few more solid punches in before we have each other by the neck in death grips. We both release our hold at the same time, and I have to lean over to catch my breath. I haven’t fought this hard since my early twenties.
Colt gasps, trying to catch his breath. “You don’t deserve her.”
I don’t answer.
“She’s too fucking good for you.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I demand. “You know she’s hiding from me. You know she won’t speak to me.”
“I had to see you in person.”
“Now you have. I’m the man who ruined your father.”
Colt looks furious eyes.
“My sister’s name was Tanya.” I’m satisfied when I see Colt cringe. “She was in love with your dad. I don’t know if you dug this up in your investigation, but Tanya was pregnant with their child.”
Colt stares at me in shock. I guess he didn’t know.
“Your dad convinced her to have an abortion even though she wanted to keep the baby.” My voice has lost its edge. “I think that’s why she did it—why she jumped—if you want to know the truth. She loved kids. She always wanted children…” I stop, unable to speak of it anymore.
Silence permeates the room.
It’s a long while before Colt speaks. “My father is a deviant asshole.”
Jon Harrington’s son cuts right to the point. “I’d hate him too and probably do the same if I were you. As you can imagine, as his son, I’ve seen a lot from him over the years. I protected Kerri and my mom from it, from the truth of who he really is—”
I hate that guilt creeps up over me again.
“But my sister…” Colt shakes his head. “She had nothing to do with this, with any of it, and now she’s in a pain she doesn’t deserve.”
I save my words for Kerri. Colt doesn’t deserve to hear anything first.
“Because of you.”
Our eyes meet.
“I just don’t know why she still loves you.”
Colt’s words make my heart soar, and I almost fall to my knees from the magnitude of what I feel. But I’m careful to hide my emotions from him, not wanting him to know how much his words meant to me.
They gave me hope. Massive hope. That I still have a chance with Kerri.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Kerri
He played me from the moment we met.
He killed the fairytale in me. You know the one you dream about since you’re a little girl? The one that you fantasize about being yours?
He killed it.
I don’t know which assault was worse: the one on my body, or this one that Ian actively perpetrated on my heart and soul.
I quit my job. When Colt revealed everything, I realized I couldn’t go back to my usual routine. Ian would be waiting for me, and then I’d have to see him. At the time I didn’t have the strength to resist—who am I kidding, I still don’t… So I quit my job and let Tony know I was leaving town for a while to think about my future. He assumed it had something to do with Ian, and because I didn’t offer any details, he knew not to press me.
Since then, I’ve been camped out at Jamie’s home in Malibu. Wyld and Jamie gave me their guesthouse and told me I could stay as long as I needed. With the two in Australia on Jamie’s movie, it’s an ideal situation.
I was pleasantly surprised when Wylder showed up a week ago, having left Jamie on set to fly back and spend some time with me. I told her everything. Every single detail. I told her about my assault, Ian and Tanya, even about the baby situation I have going on. We cried together, lamented how growing up actually kind of sucked, and how no one had really prepared us for real life. These are the kind of moments when you wish you could go back in time and just play with your Barbie and call it a day.
Of course, Wyld now despises Ian. Like me, she understands the hate he has for my father and can kind of see how it caused him to make certain decisions, but how he played me…that, I think we could all agree, was unforgivable.
I shake my head and try to clear my thoughts. I’m on the porch, staring at the ocean. It’s close to sunset and the sky glows with an amber hue that is captivating. My phone rings. I’m not surprised it’s my best friend FaceTiming me. I answer with the phone flipped around so she sees the sunset instead of me.
“Ohmygawd!” Wyld exclaims. “That’s just perfect.”
“It kind of is,” I say and flip the phone back around. I smile at my friend’s gorgeous face. She’s glowing with happiness.
“You look healthier today,” she says.
Healthier means I look like I’ve put on some weight. Instead of gaining in pregnancy, I’ve been losing weight, which I know is because of my nerves. I haven’t really had any type of appetite.
“Thank you. I ordered Nobu and went to town last night.”
“Kerri!” Wyld exclaims. “Raw fish isn’t good for the baby!”
I roll my eyes. “Calm down. I ordered steak and rice and noodles and every veggie I could find.”
There’s an unspoken rule between Wyld and me right now—neither of us will directly talk about my plans for the baby. All signs are pointing in one direction and we talk as though I’m keeping it, but I’m still pretty frightened by that path and what it means (single mama—WTF?), so I’m not ready to fully commit just yet.
“What’s on the menu for tonight?” she asks.
“I’m going to make pasta, binge watch a show, and try not to think about my depressing life.”
“Have you thought about going to do a sound bath healing?”
I try not to laugh. “That sounds like an Overheard LA.”
“Meditation might be good for you.”
“It might be,” I ag
ree. “I don’t want to talk about me. Tell me how the movie is going?”
“It’s really great.” Her face lights up with pleasure. “Jamie is such an experienced director. He’s so calm and talented. You should see him, Kerri. I just love watching him do his thing. Makes me proud. God, it’s sick how in love with him I am. Sometimes it scares me.”
I know exactly how she’s feeling, and I hate that her words make me think of Ian and make me long for him. God, I miss him. I wish he could hold me and take away all the pain and fear.
“You look sad,” Wyld says.
I sigh. “I don’t know what to tell you. Honestly, what do you expect?” I must sound like a Debbie Downer, but I can’t help it.
“You’re actually doing way better than I ever expected. I think I’d be in a fetal position under my bed.”
I laugh at the image. “I wish I could say I hadn’t thought of doing just that.”
We both smile.
“Have you thought about turning your phone back on?” Her voice is soft.
I shake my head then shrug because we both know I’m lying. “Who am I kidding? Yes, of course I have! A thousand times a day. I miss him so much, Wyld. I hate myself for missing him, but I do…”
And then the tears start and I can’t stop them and then I don’t want to because Wyld has already seen the worst of me.
“I just have this battle going on in my head over it all. I’m trying to reconcile the fact that my dad is a really bad man—like, he’s a terrible man to women, which speaks volumes to his character and—”
“Calm down.” Wyld’s voice is gentle. “It’s never easy to see your parent be such a complete let-down.”
“I’ve been talking to my therapist about it every day. But I can’t face my dad yet, you know? And thankfully, Colt hasn’t even told him everything because I asked him not to—”
“Why do you want to protect him?”
“I don’t.” I shake my head. “I’m protecting my mom and…”
“You’re thinking about Ian.”
“Yes,” I admit, closing my eyes.
“If you decide to get back—”
“Don’t even say it,” I don’t let her finish the sentence. I can’t even go there in my head because all this time it’s just been a game to him. I’ve been a game. He’s been using me. I was a means to an end. Everything between us was make-believe…kind of like a movie.”