A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy

by Kingsbury, Karen

  Tanner looked frustrated. “My mother asked me to come alone. She said she felt more comfortable talking about my father when I was by myself.”

  Jade thought about that for a moment and decided it was a plausible explanation. Still.

  “Have you told her about us?” Jade leaned toward him and kissed him on the mouth, a kiss that lasted longer than she intended. She finally pulled away and eyed Tanner. “Have you told her how we are now? How … serious we are?” She was trying to sound lighthearted, teasing even. But deep inside she wondered. If he were proud of her, wouldn’t he want his mother to know how serious they’d become?

  Tanner squirmed uncomfortably. “Not exactly.”

  Jade withdrew her arms from Tanner’s neck and sighed. “Why not?”

  For the first time, Tanner sounded impatient with her. “You don’t know what it’s like to have a mother like mine.”

  The moment he said it, regret flashed in his eyes. Jade looked away. No, Tanner. I don’t know what it’s like to have any sort of mother at all.

  He sighed. “I’m sorry. It’s just … ever since I was a kid my mother has planned my life for me.”

  Jade knew that. This past summer there had been many times when Tanner shared the ways his mother had organized his childhood so that when he went to college he would study politics and one day be ready for a position in public office. She exhaled slowly and placed her hand on his knee. “I know. I just wish you’d tell her.”

  “I will eventually. See—” he hung his head and stared at his feet for a moment before looking up again—“she has this idea that I should finish college, take a position in government somewhere, and then get married once I’m established. She’s told me a hundred times how a girl can be the undoing of a man. Especially a man who might one day find himself in the White House.”

  Jade stood, pacing the patio area with her arms crossed firmly in front of her. “And you believe that? That I might be your undoing?” She was angry and didn’t try to hide it.

  “No, of course not.” He rose and was at her side instantly. “Jade … you can’t think that. It’s just—”

  “What?” Jade felt the tears well up, but she didn’t care. Let them spill over onto her face. Tanner was making it sound like he was ashamed of her, and for an instant she could hear her father.

  “You’re a waste, an idiot, Jade. Jim Rudolph is the best thing that ever happened to you.”

  She turned her back to Tanner and tried to work through her anger. He was at her side instantly, putting his hands on her shoulders and holding her close, but she remained stiff in his arms. “Why do I feel like you’re embarrassed about us?”

  He gently turned her so she faced him, and she saw nothing but sincerity in his eyes. “You have to trust me, Jade. It isn’t the right time. She’ll think I’m throwing away my political chances.”

  “Is that what you think?”

  “Of course not.”

  “Then why are you so afraid of her?”

  Tanner was silent. He stuffed his hands into his shorts pockets.

  Jade quietly fumed. Stand up for me, Tanner. She positioned herself so she could make eye contact with him. When she spoke she was careful to hide her frustration. “Your mother is a good woman, but she can’t run your life forever.”

  “She expects so much of me.” He seemed to be speaking to himself as much as to Jade. “She wants me to be the president, for heaven’s sake. Do you know what kind of pressure that is?”

  Tanner moved back to his chair. He sat down, set his head in his hands, and stared at the cement beneath him. Jade waited a moment then moved nearer, crouching on the ground beside him, her hand on his knee as she searched his face. “What about you? What do you want?”

  Tanner shook his head. “I don’t know anymore.”

  Jade considered what she was about to say. She’d wanted to say it many times before, whenever he got excited about religious freedom, but she hadn’t wanted to seem pushy. Now she felt she had no choice. “You don’t really want to be a politician, do you?”

  Tanner kept his eyes trained on the ground, but Jade saw them fill with tears. For a long while he stayed that way, considering her words, silently mulling over them. Then finally he shook his head again. “No.”

  Jade sighed and rose to her knees, circling her arms around his neck. They stayed that way as Tanner drew a deep breath.

  “I have the gift for it, the total package like my mother’s always said. She’s probably right. One day I could wind up in the White House if God were willing.”

  “I’d vote for you.” Jade felt Tanner chuckle at her soft comment.

  “Thanks.” He pulled away and met her eyes straight on. “I must be crazy.”

  Jade smiled, allowing herself to get lost in his eyes. “How come?”

  “I’m about to leave the only woman I’ve ever loved to finish an education I’m not sure I care about that will lead me into a job I know I don’t want to do. It doesn’t make sense.”

  She ran a finger over his brow. It felt so good to hear him being honest with himself.

  “You know what I’d really like to do?” Tanner’s expression was somber. Their arms were still locked around each other, their faces inches apart.

  “Kiss me?” She smiled. He was leaving too soon for them to be so serious. She wanted to enjoy these last days.

  He tousled her hair and grinned. “That, too. But besides that—” his smile faded—“when I think of spending the rest of my life in a job, there’s only one thing I’d really love to do.” He paused. “Fight for—”

  “—religious freedom.” She finished his sentence and saw his eyes widen in surprise.

  “How did you know?”

  “I’ve been with you every day lately, remember?”

  Tanner was quiet, and Jade knew he was thinking of his mother again.

  “She’d think I’d flipped for sure.”

  “Does it matter what she thinks? God gave you this desire for a reason, Tanner.”

  “I don’t know, I can’t change directions over night when I’ve been planning my life one way all these years.”

  “Why not?” His mother would understand eventually, even if she didn’t right now. “You’re young, Tanner. At least think about it. Pray about it. Please?”

  He nodded. “Okay.” He drew her nearer still and lowered his face to hers. Jade’s body responded to his closeness, and she was thankful they were outside in broad daylight. He kissed her neck and whispered in her ear. “Now, about that other thing I’d like to do …”

  Jade had gone home, but Tanner was still feeling the effects of her presence. They had kept their promise, limiting their physical contact to kisses only. But some of the kisses they shared … It was a good thing they’d taken to ending their evenings in prayer. Talking to God had a way of dousing inappropriate desire in an instant.

  Tanner moved into his bedroom and flopped onto the comforter. Lord, I don’t want to be president of the United States. I want to marry Jade and stay here with her forever. Help me know what I’m supposed to do.

  He thought about their conversation earlier, and Jade’s words challenged him. Why was he studying to be a politician if that wasn’t where he felt God was leading him? And how in the world would he break the news to his mother?

  He stood up and wandered toward a desk in his bedroom. Immediately his eyes fell on the file he sought and he pulled it out, thumbing through it until he found what he was looking for. It was a flyer announcing a trip that would take place in mid-September—just three weeks away. The trip was to Hungary and would be led by Youth with a Mission. Tanner’s eyes scanned the information until he found the line that mattered most: “Trip objective: To study religious freedom and the consequences of what happens when those freedoms are taken away.”

  Do this, my son.

  The voice was clear and Tanner closed his eyes. Lord, is this what you want? Is this where you’re leading me?

  It would mean ta
king extra courses in the summer so he could still graduate with his class, but suddenly it was the single thing he wanted most in life. Jade was right. He could see religious freedom being stripped away all around him, and now he was being called to do something about it. He would take the trip, graduate, and marry Jade. Then he would enroll in law school and after that, he’d open shop. He would take on the liberal special interest groups bent on destroying religious freedom, and he would rely on the Lord’s strength every step of the way.

  He would make the phone call in the morning.

  His mother would simply have to understand.

  Thirteen

  THE DAYS DISSOLVED LIKE SO MANY HOURS UNTIL FINALLY IT WAS Friday. Their last day together.

  Tanner presented Lang and the others on the board with a stack of briefs detailing the conclusions he’d reached on the budget issue and several other items he’d been involved with. Good-byes were exchanged and Lang patted him firmly on the back.

  “I expect to see your name on a ballot one day, my boy.”

  Tanner smiled. The two had enjoyed a friendship that complimented their working relationship. But a twinge of guilt tugged at Tanner’s conscience. His name would never be on a ballot if things went as he hoped they would. He thought about the phone calls he’d made that week—everything was in order, but he had yet to tell anyone about his decision. Not Lang, not his mother. Not even Jade. He would do that tonight when they were together.

  He nodded to Lang as he finished packing up his cubicle. “You never know. Maybe it’ll be the other way around.”

  They made small talk until finally Tanner heaved his box of belongings into his arms and left. On the way home he picked up a Hawaiian pizza with olives—something he and Jade had shared every Friday night since they had run into each other back in June.

  She was waiting outside his apartment for him, and when he approached her he could see she’d been crying. “Jade …” He set the pizza box down on the roof of her car and drew her into a full embrace. They remained that way until he felt the flames of desire begin to dart through his body.

  Be careful, my son.…

  Yes, tonight especially. Tanner knew he would have to be especially cautious if this was the way his body was going to react to a sympathetic hug.

  Jade pulled away and sniffed, wiping a hand under one eye. “I don’t want to talk about it. Not yet. I can’t.”

  Tanner understood. It would be hard enough to say goodbye without starting the process now. He held the pizza against his body with one hand and took her arm with the other. They were both tired of looking for ways to spend time together in public. Tonight they had given themselves permission to visit at his apartment. Just the two of them for the last time in what might be months.

  Neither of them was hungry, so they talked about work and school and church news—anything but the fact that in twenty-four hours he’d be gone. They watched a sitcom, and when it was over they turned off the television and played three games of backgammon, all the while pretending summer would stretch on forever and that this wasn’t the last night they’d have together.

  Finally, sometime after nine o’clock, Tanner heated up the pizza, and they sat down to eat. The mood between them had changed and neither was willing to make small talk. The night was drawing to a close, and sooner or later they would have to find a way to say good-bye.

  They ate their pizza in silence, allowing a somberness to fall over the meal despite Tanner’s intention to avoid the sadness until the last possible moment. Finally, Jade pushed her half-eaten pizza aside and turned toward him.

  He contorted his face into different shapes as he ate, trying desperately to make her smile. “All right, come on. You’d better smile or I’ll have to call in the tickle police.”

  Jade shook her head and her eyes filled with tears. “I’m sorry, Tanner. I can’t.”

  He sighed and set the rest of his pizza back on his plate. Her eyes were so green when she was sad. He ran his thumb over her left brow and smoothed her hair back behind her ear. It was hard to believe that by the following night, three thousand miles would separate them. “I won’t be gone forever.… I told you I’ll visit.”

  She nodded and blinked, sending two tears spiraling down her cheeks. “It won’t be the same. I want you to stay.…”

  “Me, too. But I can’t.”

  “I know.” She blew a loose strand of hair off her forehead. Her eyes grew distant and her tone hard. “Your political career awaits you.”

  It was time to tell her. No point in making her wait until the end of the evening to know what he’d done, how she had caused him to change the direction of his entire life’s plan. He lifted her chin so that their eyes met again. “I have something to tell you.”

  Jade did not look enthused. “What?”

  “Ah, come on, Jade. You can sound more excited than that.” He grinned at her, but still the sorrow on her face remained, and Jade said nothing.

  “All right, then. Time to call in the tickle police.” He wiggled his fingers up into her armpits and jabbed twice at her ribs.

  “Don’t!” Jade laughed, and the sound of it made Tanner’s heart soar. He continued, poking her, tickling her mercilessly until she leapt from the chair and placed it between them. “Stay back!”

  Tanner tried a few more jabs but she kept her distance. “Here I come.” He stood up and started for her as she uttered a short scream.

  “Stop!”

  “Okay, okay, relax.” He raised his hands in surrender and grinned breathlessly. “I’m done. No more tickling.”

  She waited, and when Tanner kept his promise, she pushed away the chair that separated them and placed her hands on her hips. “That’s better. Now, what news were you going to tell me?”

  “News?” He was having trouble thinking with her standing so near, breathing hard from being tickled. He pulled her to him instead and kissed her. “I love your smile, Jade. Don’t stop smiling just because summer’s over.”

  She kissed him back and then whispered, “Okay.”

  He found her mouth again and moved his lips over hers, massaging her jaw gently with his thumb. “Remember what Scripture says in Jeremiah. ‘I know the plans I have for you …’ ”

  “ ‘… plans to give you hope and a future.’ ” Her voice was barely audible, and they remained in each other’s arms, their eyes locked. “Now … what were you going to tell me?”

  Tanner struggled to control the feelings that welled up inside him. There was no end to the longing her nearness caused him. Reluctantly he pulled away. “Okay … come on. I’ll show you.”

  She looked around. “What?” Her eyes scanned the room.

  “Come on, it’s back here.” He motioned for her to follow. He had planned on leaving her in the living room. He’d go get what he was after and bring it back to show her. But he didn’t want to miss a moment with her.

  Be careful, my son … be careful.

  Don’t worry, I will. He wasn’t a fool. He had no intention of letting things get out of hand tonight with Jade. There was no reason to worry, just because the flyer and the gifts he had for Jade were in his bedroom. It was merely a matter of convenience.

  She followed him through the living room, then hesitated. He turned around and laughed. “Come on, don’t worry. I won’t bite.”

  She raised a doubtful eyebrow, but he laughed again. “Jade, you have to trust me.… Come on, silly. This’ll just take a minute. Besides, it’s almost time for your curfew.”

  Sadness fell over her face at the thought, but she followed him in silence. When they were in his bedroom, he directed her to sit on the foot of the bed.

  “What’s going on?”

  “You’ll see.” He went to the desk, opened a drawer, and pulled out a single long-stem red rose, an envelope, and the flyer regarding the trip to Hungary. Then he turned around and joined her on the foot of the bed. “Here. These are for you.”

  Tears filled her eyes again and she tilted he
r head, looking from him to the rose and back again. She was clearly too choked up to speak.

  “Read it.” Tanner leaned toward her and braced an arm behind her so their sides were touching.

  Jade dabbed at a tear as she opened the envelope and pulled out a greeting card with a picture of a breathtaking rainbow across the front. She opened it, and over her shoulder Tanner read the words he’d written earlier that day. “My sweetest Jade … from beginning to end, this has been the summer of my dreams. God has used you in so many ways to draw me closer to him, closer to everything he has wanted for me. One day soon I want to marry you. But not yet. I have some planning to do first. In the meantime, know that I am thinking of you always, wherever I am, whatever I’m doing. I love you, Jade. Thank you for opening my eyes. All my love, all the time, Tanner.”

  Scribbled underneath he had written the verse that had come to represent everything they shared. The verse he had spoken to her only minutes earlier. “I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.”

  Jade finished reading and closed the card. Her arms moved slowly around his neck, and as she held him, he could feel her beginning to sob.

  He ran his hand softly down the back of her head. “It’s okay, Jade, honey. I love you. I’m not going away for good. Hey—” he pulled back—“there’s something else I have to show you.”

  She drew three quick, convulsive breaths, and Tanner could see she was trying to compose herself, trying to keep a flood of tears from letting go. She waited while he presented her with the flyer. “What’s … what’s this?”

  “Open it.” Tanner grinned and watched as Jade unfolded the paper. A moment passed as she read over the details, and when she looked up at him, her eyes were filled with questions. “I don’t get it.”

  “I found that flyer almost a year ago. Think about it, Jade … what better place than Hungary to study what happens when religious freedom is taken away?”

  “Hungary?” Her voice was quiet.

  “Yes. I picked up the flyer and carried it with me because I wanted so badly to go.” He hesitated. “Only there was no way I ever would. Not as long as my goal was public office. But after our talk the other day I knew I had to go. I wouldn’t be happy unless I did.”