by Warren, P. A
“Okay, then.” He coughs awkwardly and tries to move past me sliding with his back against the wall only his foot gets tangled in my crutches.
“Well this is awkward.” I laugh as I finally make my way past him towards the shower. Just as I’m about the shut the door Avery’s voice stops me.
“Oh and Hadley?” Just a little suggestion….you better get ready fast. Jenny doesn’t like waiting all day.” About to shut the door I hear Avery saying my name again.
“Hadley?”
“Yeah?” Peeking out of the bathroom cracking the door slightly open slightly disgruntled.
“Thanks for proving those Axe commercials right. I’ve never had someone feel me up, sniff me or watch my towel as much as you did. I can only think it’s because I’m totally awesome and you want all this sexiness!” He does some sort of air pump. “Seriously, though, it’s not every day I’m groped in the hall by a beautiful girl.”
Rolling my eyes at him I slam the door shut on his face and stick my tongue out at the door, not that he can see it. “Oh very mature Hadley. Very mature,” I mutter to myself. I did NOT grope him. I will plead the fifth on sniffing him. Wait—did he just call me beautiful? I look in the mirror and grimace. Nope, He couldn’t possibly have been talking about me. Why would someone like him be attracted to someone like me? I’m messed up, like a puzzle that’s broken into tiny pieces. He is perfect and could have anyone I will never be a blip on his radar. I used to love showers until I hurt my leg. Now it’s a major pain in the ass worrying if I’m going to slip and fall. Letting the water run through my hair, I push my worries of everything to the back of my mind. Inhaling my coconut and pineapple soap I feel transported to a tropical island. The steams swirls around me turning my skin pink as I scrub myself down. I turn the water off and carefully figure out how I’m going to step out without falling. I shiver as the cold air hits my skin. Grabbing onto the shower curtain I manage to get out without pulling the shower curtain down. Drying off I put my robe on knotting the belt tightly and peek out the door. I look both ways to make sure no one is in the hallway. Seeing that the coast is clear I head to my room to get dressed. My knee doesn’t want to bend properly and with the bandage on its making it twice as hard to get any clothes on my body. Brushing out my dark tangled hair I decide to let it air dry rather than taking the time to blow dry it. I huff at my reflection while brushing my teeth. Well this is as good as it’s going to get, Hadley. When I finally get to the kitchen I see Jenny and Avery talking quietly at the table. Avery’s leaning nonchalantly against the counter and looks like he’s trying to hold back his laughter. They both look up when they hear me come in and Avery shoots me a lopsided grin.
Okay that was weird. Raising my eyes at him I head to the fridge, letting the cool refrigerated air cool my warm cheeks. I’ve only been here a few months but I know it’s never a good thing when Avery grins like that.
Avery grabs his hat off the table, “Fancy that, it looks like I get to drive Miss Hadley around today.” He says in a perfect imitation of that guy from Driving Miss Daisy. Swinging the keys around his fingers he tells me that Jenny was called into work and has to leave in a few minutes.
I don’t want Avery taking me, why would I want him to see me this way, half a person? Moving over to the pantry I stare at it gathering my thoughts before shutting the door and reopening it. Looking at the many offerings I grab a bag of chips and a bottle of water. Opening it I take a big sip only to spill some of the water on my shirt and drop the cap. I debate with myself if I really need the cap or not when Avery picks it and gently hands it to me, when his hand touches mine I feel a zing and pull my hand back quickly.
“Sorry, I must be staticky.”
My face is hot.
Oh my gosh I feel like I’m back in middle school with all this blushing. Of course he would be staticky, I’ve been reading way too many romance books if I think people actually zing when they touch. It feels wrong that I find myself attracted to him. Wrong, in the sense I should be in mourning and not worrying about a potential romance. Glancing at the clock I see it’s well past time to leave. Gathering up my trash I shove it in the can next to the fridge...
“So, what’s the plan, Driver?”
“Well, Miss Hadley,” Taking the beanie off his head. “First I thought I would drive us too that lovely physical therapy building. I’m not sure if you’ve had a chance to see it yet. No? I shake my head no at him in confirmation. “Well it’s a white building with doctors in it. So much fun, right?” He claps his hands together very peppy and totally not like a man.
“But wait for it…if you’re a really good girl at the doctors I happen to know where the movie theatre is and would love it if you would accompany a simple chauffer? I’ll even let you pick the movie and if you’re a really good girl I might let you get popcorn.”
A very loud and somewhat rusty laugh comes from deep in my chest. I laugh for the first time in a month.
Jenny comes rushing through carrying her bag haphazardly juggling everything. Looking over at me she stops what she is doing and just stands there and stares. “What did you do to her?” She looks at Avery questioningly.
Throwing his hands in the air, “Nothing! She started laughing and hasn’t stopped since. Now I have to get her ass to her appointment so if I could find the keys that would be awesome.” He dashes out of the kitchen, returning with wallet and keys in hand. “Can’t leave without these!”
“Lord, Avery if your head wasn’t attached you’d forget that too. Now put some hustle in it and get Hadley to her appointment.”
“Speaking of which, did I get gas?
Jenny huffs. “Take the car, I’m taking the truck. One scratch on it and it’s off with your head. I’m serious not a scratch or dent and remember what I talked to you about earlier and the locks on the car.”
My face goes hot when Jenny mentions the locks and I let out a breath. “She put the child locks on because I may or may not have jumped from the car when it was moving,” I say to Avery in an attempt not to make a big deal out of it. I suppose he caught my expression to let it go because he salutes Jenny.
“I’ll start the car Miss Hadley,” Avery says completely ignoring the lock issue.
Throwing my hoodie on I follow Avery grabbing my purse on the way out. The cool weather greets me making me shiver. I’m thankful I decided to put on track pants and a hoodie; I’m not a cold weather person. It’s not freezing by any means but I gasp clenching my teeth together as the wind hits my face.
The leaves have fallen onto the driveway and crunch under our feet as we make our way to the car. The neighbors have their house already decked out for Christmas. It’s like Clark Griswold lives next door and I am going to play the part of the poor couple he kept blinding with the lights once they turn them on.
The Christmas season is upon us in full force. Jenny is starting to decorate little by little and the house looks extremely festive. It makes me miss the traditions we used to have. Putting Christmas lights up and picking out a tree, singing off-key Christmas carols. I barely survived Thanksgiving with the help of Avery. I held off taking the pills that taunt me. I hope I can survive Christmas and its memories, I hope I’m strong enough.
Trepidation fills me the closer we get to the car. Closing my eyes I feel my lungs closing up and sweat running down my neck. I stop, rooted in place. My mind travels back to the accident, images streaming through my brain as I brace for impact. Instead a heavy set of arms tightly wind themselves around me and pull me towards them as my legs give out.
“Whoa,” Avery says leaning back to steady us.
I try to open my eyes but for some reason they refuse to open. My eyes won’t open. What’s wrong with them? “Avery?” I ask whispering.
“Huh?”
“I can’t open my eyes.” I tell him as my voice starts raising another octave starting to panic again. I feel him in front of me, his fingers finding both sides of my face.
“Okay, here’s what I want you to do.
” he says seriously. “I want you to take a deep breath.”
I take a deep breath.
“Now I want you do lift your right leg up and hold it for the count of five.”
Wait – what?
“I can’t life my leg and you know it.” I say glaring at him. “What a stupid ass thing to ask me to do.” Giving him a dirty look I look past him at the tree trying not to cry. Wait. I can see again. Looking back at him I burst, “You did that on purpose didn’t you?”
“Maybe, but it got your mind of the panic right?” he says, pleased with himself. “Now seriously let’s get in the car and get to the damn doctor, I’m hungry.”
Groaning I glance at my silver colored nemesis and carefully get in. Avery drags the seat belt around my chest but I slap his hand away and do it myself.
I cross my arms over my chest and look anywhere but at him. I’m incredibly angry at myself for letting him see me that way again and going off on him for no reason. The ride is silent accept for the music in the background coming from the stereo.
Chapter Sixteen
Turning the page of an extremely old Cosmo I feel my chair shaking like a miniature earthquake thanks to Avery, his leg pulsating like a mini earthquake a major pet peeve of mine. Putting the magazine off to the side I place my hand on his leg to stop the shaking. “Avery, I’m super nervous and I’m sorry but your leg bouncing is driving me up the wall.”
“Sorry” He places his hand in mine and squeezes. It’s no wonder I feel so safe with him even though half the time I’m angry with him.
“I’m sorry I snapped at you in the car. I’m not used to the new me and the panic attacks that won’t seem to go away. I never know when they’re going to happen and I get angry and take it out on the first person I see.” Feeling an arm draped across my shoulder I’m suddenly pulled closer to his side.
“Everything is going to be okay, Hads. Your knee doesn’t define you. Your heart does. Who you are on a daily basis does. Your parents wouldn’t care about your knee and I honestly don’t think they would want you worrying about whether you’re going to walk with a limp or not.” I stare at him blinking; this little moment was totally unexpected here in the doctor’s office.
“Thanks, for that um Hallmark moment,” I say, knocking my shoulder against his. “And Had’s?” I ask, raising an eyebrow as I glance at him only to realize he’s doing the same thing. His mouth turns up in a half smile.
“You know, I wasn’t always this sad or pathetic.”
“You are so lucky we’re in a waiting room or I would show you how not pathetic I think you are,” he responds a loud whisper. “And yes ‘Hads’ if I give you a nickname it means you’re important to me.”
Staring at him in shock, I’m mentally having an argument with myself. What kind of daughter am I if I am okay with moving forward like this, where is my loyalty to my parents? I mean who does that? What kind of horrible person does that? I’m so lost in my head that I fail to hear the nurse calling my name until, Avery taps my shoulder pulling me out of my conflicting thoughts.
“Hadley?”
“Hmm?”
“I think it’s your turn to go back. That or the nurse just likes to randomly walk out and call names.”
“Hardee har har.” I grab the crutches leaving Avery reading Woman’s Day— or not as he grabs the door to hold it open for me, my purse clutched in his other hand. For something so blindingly hot pink he wore it well. On the other hand I’m wondering why the hell he thinks he can come see the doctor with me.
Before either of us are seated, the physical therapist walks in. She looks around my mom’s age, dark curly hair and some pretty awesome Scooby Doo scrubs. Looking up from her chart she adjusts her glasses.
“Hi, Hadley, I’m Marie Thomas, I’m going to be your Physical Therapist. Jesus, Mary and Joseph, why is everyone so darn bubbly in the town? What the heck do they put in the water? Holding her hand out I take it. It’s warm and soft unlike the last doctor I saw who hands were cold and dry. Marie looks over at Avery and shoots me a grin.
“Normally I don’t let boyfriends in here during a session but since this is the first one and the first appointment is mainly me getting to know you I’ll let him stay this time.”
“Oh he’s—“I start to say but Avery cuts me off.
“Thanks for letting me stay.” He smiles at her. “I want to know how I can help Hadley in any way possible. It’s what we boyfriends are there for.”
He puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me closer to him and kissing my head for good measure. Shaking my head I move out of his grasp and to the chair to get some space.
“Alrighty then, let’s get your bandage unwrapped and see what’s going on and how it’s healing.” Marie says smiling.
I’m nervous. I really don’t want her to take the bandage off my knee. I try not to look whenever I change the bandage at home. I noticed Avery fixated on my knee, the same expression at the carnage of Shark Week crossing his face. “Look away,” I hiss, hoping Marie doesn’t hear me. I don’t want Avery seeing me disfigured. I don’t want him there at all but he’s being insistent.
I also really don’t want Avery to see it and be disgusted by it. My emotions are running the gamut and must be showing on my face because instead of staring at my knee, Avery is staring at me, his lips in a flat line, his thumb rubbing the edge of my hand. I concentrated on that feeling as she is unwraps the bandage, but I’m sure what Avery is doing to me is no longer helping with the anxiety.
Clearing her throat once the bandage is off, Marie says, “Hadley, You can’t keep your knee covered like this anymore. Your knee needs to air out and it needs to breathe. Keeping the bandage on is impeding the healing process.”
She takes the wrap that covers the bandage and throws it into the trash can. I want to go grab it and put it back on my knee. It’s literally taking everything in me not to retrieve it. It feels like she is throwing away my security blanket. I don't want to people to see my knee, even though I know it could have been worse. Much worse. The sight of the jagged map of scars along my mangled limb screams in disgust. I am disfigured forever, a mutant among the masses of the pretty and those baring no marks. Untouched by any harm or distress. The sight of the pink line from the surgery makes me ill to my stomach.
Glancing at the trash can in the corner I contemplate going for it. The small divots the car metal made on impact are like a beacon I have to touch. Supposedly there is still metal in my knee they couldn’t get out. They compared it to shrapnel like Iron Man, only I did nothing heroic to get it in my knee.
Shaking my head I look at Avery who is staring at me with a sad smile on his face. It’s as if he knows what I’m thinking. He grabs my hand squeezing it gently.
I’m sitting in the chair with my back straight and then she has me stand up and do them. Holding on to the back of the chair I try to complete them. It’s difficult but not impossible. She writes in her folder while moving over to the cabinet, pulling several sheets of paper and a folder to put them in.
“Okay, here are some exercises I want you to try at home twice a day until I see you at your next appointment.” She goes over them with me and hands them to Avery to hold. “Oh and one more thing, go down to the pharmacy here and hand them this prescription for a walking cane so you can ditch the crutches. No more excuses. I will see you again next week, Thursday at eleven. You can make the appointment at the second window by the door.”
Before she leaves she turns and the idea of a cane makes my heart sink. Crutches are for young girls who fall out of trees and break their legs, canes are for old people and I don’t exactly feel eighty yet. I get up to leave, and hear her voice behind me as I enter the hall. “We are going to get you walking as best we can Hadley; I want to see you reach for the stars, sweetie.”
***
After making the appointment we make our way to the pharmacy and finally leave the building minus the crutches. I still have a problem with the cane. Shielding my eye
s from the bright sunlight I notice a small park across the street with the most amazing fountain one very similar to the Charybdis Fountain in England. How do I know this? Well let’s just say I had way too much time on my hands one summer and did a lot of reading.
I have no idea why but I have the urge to walk over there, but why not. Walking up to the fountain I can see how beautiful it is. It has a sculpture of the tree of life in the center of it and it’s a deep bronze color but when the sun hits it there are rainbows in the bronze. Glancing back, the wind whips my hair into my face. Moving it behind my ears I look at Avery who’s slid his sunglasses on and is sitting on the bench beside the fountain. I can’t help but wish I had brought some sunglasses.
“I’m not fishing you out if you jump in,” he calls as he pulls out his phone.
“It’s not physically possible Avery.”
Staring at the fountain frowning I can’t even joke with him right now, I feel like I’m drowning in sorrow.
“When are you going to stop with the pity party,Hadley?” Avery looks over at me as I sit on the bench moving Avery’s legs. He crosses his arms.
“You didn’t just say that to me.” I’m slightly miffed he would say that.
“Um, yes I did.”
“Why would you say something like that to me?”
“Hadley, you’re amazing. Do you know what happened when my dad started hitting me? I went wild. I partied, I did drugs, had sex with random girls and some other things I’m not proud of. We all have our own different ways of coping with things. I think yours is guilt and self hatred, but you need to get over it and move on. You’re making me feel bad and it’s a beautiful day out.”
Unable to look at him I watch the water splash into the pool. “Were you a therapist in another life?”
Avery laughs, “No…but I’ve been to some pretty good ones.”
“Did that therapist tell you sometimes you can be really insensitive?”