by Warren, P. A
“Yep.”
“Here I am worrying about what my knee looks like and my family is gone. They don’t have the option of worrying about what anything looks like. I’m so stupid.” Turning towards me he puts his finger on my chin and tilts my head up.
“You have to find your own way of coping. Not the way I did or your current way. You’re so full of survivors’ guilt that it is literally tearing you apart and you can’t live that way.” He looks me firmly in the eye. “You have to talk to someone about it. It’s only a matter of time before you break. I’ll be there to catch you but I really don’t want you to hurt anymore.”
I wipe away the tears I didn’t realize were running down my face. He pulls me into a hug and whispers to me, “I’m glad you’re here. I know you feel like you don’t deserve to live but I’m glad you did. I’m sorry they’re gone. But don’t ever think it should have been you.”
Leaning back but still holding on to me he breathes deeply his gaze digging into me and says softly, “Imperfections are beauty. They are what make us whole. Your knee isn’t ugly or mangled, neither is your face that you try and hide. It’s like you. A survivor.”
He has left me speechless, again. Swallowing, my mind is so jumbled. He has humbled me. I’ve never had someone talk to me this way. I thought guys only did that in movies. Hugging Avery I lean over giving him a light kiss on the cheek.
“Thank you.” His words have stolen my ability to say more.
“So,” he says looking at his watch, “You about ready to go get something to eat?” He asks about food so nonchalantly as if he hasn’t just said something that has and will profoundly change the way I see things.
“Sure.” Standing up, I’m about to follow him when I remember I never made a wish. “Oh wait a second. I need to make a wish. Opening my purse I stick my hand in trying to hunt down some change. My purse is like a treasure trove of things I should have thrown away. I find a few pennies and hold them up triumphantly.
“Aha!” I smile at him opening my palm and showing Avery what I found. He peers into my hand and removes two skittles, a receipt and some lint, finally unearthing the two pennies. Holding them in my hand I give him one and we both stand in front of the fountain and close our eyes. Turning my head I double check to make sure his eyes are closed and smile when I see they are.
I wish…I…wish...closing my eyes tightly I tune everything out and think about what I wish for. I wish that I can be happy again one day that the pain will not be so overwhelming all the time. Throwing the penny into the water I watch it arc in the air and hear the ping of it hitting the water opening my eyes to see Avery watching me intently with a grin on his face.
“Let’s go get some food.”
He slips his hand in mine as we walk to his car. I sense something has changed between us today. He unlocks the car helping me in and putting the cane in the backseat. He slides into the driver’s side and starts the car, Toby Keith is singing about bars and horses and not even that can ruin my day.
Chapter Seventeen
We end up at a diner that apparently has the best burgers in town. We sit in a booth and I silently contemplate what we’re going to order, burger, burger or more burgers. Pulling my menu down, I watch Avery bite his thumb while he scans the menu as he talks to me.
“I read on your bucket list that you had wanted to eat a burger with everything but the kitchen sink on it. Why that was on your bucket list I don’t know, but who am I to judge? You’re going to want to get the TexAss burger.
Oh so he hasn’t forgotten the list.
“I can feel you staring at me, Hadley.”
Blushing I look down at my menu. “Pfft...I wasn’t staring, I don’t stare.” Where is the hole I need to jump in? Seriously there is never a freaking hole when you need one.
“Yes you were. But it’s okay. I know—” He is interrupted by the waitress. Grinning I look at her and cover my mouth so he doesn’t see my smile.
“Hi, y’all,” The waitress says, smacking her gum loudly. “What can I get ya?” I’ve never been so happy to see a waitress in my life. I would hug her if she wouldn’t think I was crazy. Looking at the menu I tell her, “I’ll have the, um TexAss burger and a coke.” Feeling my face heat up I cover it with my hands.
Laughing she scribbles that down, “I always get a kick out of it when people say that.” Turning to Avery she gets his order and tells us she will be back with our drinks.
“So what’s the plan for the rest of the day?” I ask opening my straw and blow the wrapper at Avery.
“Well, I want to see a smile on your face. You’ve been so sad since you came to live here. I want to know what Hadley looks like when she’s happy.”
I’m interrupted by our food arriving. Wow that was fast. The burgers are huge and there’s no way I’m going to be able to finish it. Grabbing the knife I end up cutting it in half and digging in. Taking a sip of my drink to let my brain process what he says I look at him, “There’s a before Hadley and an after Hadley. After Hadley doesn’t know why she lived and they all died. After Hadley is full of guilt because she survived, after Hadley needs you to understand that it’s the little things that make her happy.
Looking up from his burger he crumbles a napkin and throws it at me. “Can Hadley stop talking in the third person?”
“Yes, Hadley thinks she can.”
Finishing up our meal Avery pays, making this even more of a date. Taking the lead he pulls me out of the booth and won’t tell me where we’re going. Surprisingly my mind is so busy wondering where we are that I don’t have a panic attack when I get into the car. He turns the music up, the bass pumping through my heart. He drives slowly down the highway, knowing I’m not confident with cars, but he makes jokes and takes my mind off the road. I don’t bother asking if I can change the radio, I just do it. The beautiful voice of Luke Bryan comes through the speakers.
“This music stinks. You’re making me less of a man having to listen to this.” Smirking he turns the radio back to his channel.
I shoot Avery a pouty lip. “You said this was my day. My day equals my music.”
Driving with one hand on the window sill and one on the wheel he turns his head towards me, “I don’t want to shake it for Luke Bryan and I never will.”
Back up a minute, did he really just say no to Luke Bryan? I’m shocked. I sit there dumbfounded. How can you not enjoy the greatness that is Luke Bryan? Huffing I change the channel, switching to a station that’s playing Brantley Gilbert’s, Kick it in the sticks. “Is Brantley okay with your royal highness?”
He looks over at me with a serious look on his face. “Yes, serf.”
Rolling my eyes, “Oh you’re so funny I forgot to laugh...”
“Ah, enter the sarcastic side of Hadley; I like this side better than mopey Hadley.” Turning the car into what looks like the movie theatre I smile and glance over at Avery waving my hand in the air.
“I’ll take Movies for 500, Alex.”
“Oh look the smartass has decided to join us. Welcome.” Shaking his head he asks me for help looking for a parking spot. After circling the parking lot twice, we have no luck. At this point I’m starting to get exasperated and beg him to just pick a spot and park anywhere.
“Enough with the parking roulette.”
Finally picking a spot he gets out of the car and walks over to my side opening the door. “Alright, get out smart ass, enjoy the long walk…let me know if you need refreshments along the way.” After making sure I have my cane he looks over at me, cocks his eyebrows locking the doors and asks if I’m ready before we start walking towards the theatre.
“What movie are we seeing?”
“Something funny.”
He walks up to the ticket booth pulling out his wallet he tells the half asleep girl working the booth he needs two tickets for the newest animated movie. He hands her the money and she slides the tickets beneath the window with a dazed look.
“A kids movie, huh.” I look at him with my eyebrow
raised.
“You don’t think we’re a bit too old for it?”
He looks at me like I’m nuts. “You need to laugh and who better than the Minions to make you laugh?”
I am intrigued by these minions; I’ve never seen a minion before. Heading over to the concession stand I look over at Avery, his wallet in hand. It dawns on me that I haven’t paid for anything today. I ask him to hold on a second so I can stop and grab some money from my purse. As I’m looking for my wallet my purse is snatched from my hands.
Slightly aggravated he pressed his lips into a line. “I’m sure you don’t have enough pennies for the popcorn.”
I shoot daggers at him with my eyes feeling embarrassed. “I have more than pennies in my wallet.” He tilts his head and looks at me oddly and I cringe when the reason dawns on his face. “Oh, no no no.”
He waves his hands around shaking them at me. “You are not paying for the popcorn. I’ve never taken a girl to the movies and had her pay. It’s not how I roll.”
He grabs my purse and holds it out of reach. No matter how annoying that macho me Tarzan, you Jane is still makes the butterflies flutter in my stomach. I follow after him smiling to myself thinking I wish we had met under different circumstances. I’m not sure if before Hadley would’ve given him the time of day with all his piercings and his attitude, but that would have been a damn shame.
Chapter Eighteen
Closing my bedroom door, I lean against it thinking back on the day we had. I actually forgot my troubles and Avery was right. Those funny little yellow creatures can bring a smile to your face and make you laugh like nobody’s business. For the length of the movie I felt normal. As if I was just a girl on a date.
I pull the sheet off my mirror and it falls like silk as I life my eyes and look at myself. It’s something I’ve been dreading since the accident. Leaning closer I touch the scar. Its raised edges are starting to lighten up due to the cream the doctor gave me but it’s still very visible.
Holding my hand to my cheek I remember back when I was little my mom used to take care of all my scrapes and scratches. I miss her so much, but I think she would be proud I’m slowly starting to regain human status.
Picking up a picture off my nightstand I look at the glass, our happy faces. The picture was taken a few months before the accident when we went on our annual family vacation down to Destin, Florida. The smiles on our face show no indication of what would happen a few months later. Who knew? It makes that saying true “live in the moment.”
Putting my fingertip on my parent’s faces I tell them about my day and about Avery. I tell them how kind he is and how they would love him. I’m not sure if I should be feeling the things I’m feeling for him since it’s so soon after their deaths. I fall asleep clutching the picture to my chest.
***
Bright lights come at me, the truck impacts. The sounds of metal crashing into metal invade my senses. I smell the blood and feel its wet stickiness sliding down my legs. I feel my sister pressed against me, turning my head I see her mangled body and call to her but she doesn’t answer. Why won’t she answer? I keep calling and calling for help until my voice is but a whisper, but no one comes.
“Hadley, wake up!”
Jolting out of my sleep the first thing I notice is that I’m being shaken. The second thing I notice is the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. The inky blackness covers me, reaching over I turn on the lamp and scream, a hand coming over my mouth.
“It’s okay, Hadley. I’m here,” Avery whispers as he pulls me into his arms. “I heard you crying and calling from my room so I ran in here to check on you. I didn’t know if someone was attacking you or if you were hurt or something. I just knew I had to get to you.”
Raggedly I lean my head into his shoulder breathing in his scent. He smells like a mixture of soap and whatever cologne he uses and it’s comforting. My shirt is drenched in sweat and my face is damp with tears. My teeth chatter and I’m shaking. It won’t stop.
Avery pulls a blanket tighter around us and fear cinches my chest. .
Why won’t this shaking stop?
“Avery, why am I shaking? Why won’t it stop?” I ask through chattering teeth. “Do you think I’m dying?”
“No,” he says shaking his head. He lies down on my bed pulling me with him and tucks me in so we’re spooning. “What I think is that you had a bad dream. What were you dreaming about?”
“The accident,” I say softly getting up and grabbing a clean shirt and throwing it on. “Will you stay with me tonight and hold me? I really can’t sleep alone tonight.”
“If you thought I was going back to my room than you’re crazy. You couldn’t get me out of here if you tried made me sleep on the floor. You’ll be safe from your dreams tonight now go to sleep.”
He feels so warm and strong as he pulls me closer to his chest, like someone who will and can help me. I realize at that moment that as much as I’m at war with myself over my feelings I can no longer fight them. As I’m falling asleep I hear him softly whisper, “It’s going to be okay I’ve got you now.” Hearing those comforting words I stop shaking and fall into a deep dreamless sleep.
***
When I first wake up I can’t move something is pinning me to the bed... It brings back memories of the accident of being trapped in the car. Panicking I open my eyes and last night comes rushing back to me. Closing my eyes in embarrassment I feel my face heat up... Avery is sleeping on his side facing me with his mouth slightly open and his dark hair mussed from sleep. He makes my heart feels all wonky.
Reaching down I awkwardly try and move his leg off me and come into contact with something that definitely was not a leg. I can’t believe I just did that. Pulling my hand back quickly I check to make sure he’s still asleep and he hasn’t moved an inch.
Sighing in relief I pull the covers up over my head to hide my embarrassment. Curiosity gets the better of me and my eyes wind up wandering back down there but on the way I see his shirt has ridden up showing his well defined stomach. I find myself wondering what it would be like to touch it again. Moving my hands toward his chest I’m yanked out of my thoughts when I feel eyes on me and realize Avery is staring at me with hooded eyes underneath the blanket.
“Like what you see?”
Blushing I avert my eyes. “I was just trying to move your leg.” He quirks his eyebrow up as if he doesn’t believe me. “I was!”
He moves over so I’m completely under him, encased in his strong arms. Slowly he leans towards me and I can feel my heart pounding. It’s so loud I wonder if he can hear it. His lips meet mine as he lowers himself on top of me. Putting my hands through his hair lost in the feel of his lips I pull him closer. His tongue slips between my lips and touches mine. Tingles rumble through my body as I feel his hand move under my shirt, his fingers on my waist running his hand along the curve and resting on my hip. Placing my hand on his so it goes no further he pulls his head back breathing deeply and looking me in the eyes. He rolls off to the side and pulls me towards him with his hand around me. I close my eyes savoring what just happened, tasting him on my lips.
After what feels like an eternity he starts speaking, “The next time you want to ogle me or feel me down let me know I’m totally at your disposal.”
Oh shit, he was awake the entire time. “Is that why you kissed me? I ask affronted. “Too teach me a lesson?”
“Hell no,” he says stretching, “I’ve been dreaming of kissing you for awhile. You’ve been so sad all the time I wasn’t able to without feeling like a jerk. When I felt your hand on manland and then on my chest I couldn’t stop myself.”
Wait a second…did he just call his thing manland?
“Manland…really?” Looking at him we burst out laughing.
In between laughing he tells me, “It sounded better in my head.” A banging startles us out of our laughter and Jenny barges in. By the shocked look on her face she definitely wasn’t expected Avery to be in bed with me. Well I was
n’t exactly expecting it either until it happened.
“Erm…Good morning, Jenny.” My face is red hot, it probably resembles a tomato.
“I was coming to ask you if you knew where Avery was and to tell you I picked up some community college brochures, but apparently you know right where he is. How convenient,” she says in an overly perky voice. “What exactly is going on here?”
Chagrined I look at the comforter and find great interest in its blue and pink pattern. “I had a bad nightmare and Avery heard me crying through the wall and came in to help me. I’m trying to stop taking those sleeping pills. I pretty much forced him to stay with me, Jenny.”
“No she didn’t,” he denies. “I stayed because I wanted to.”
“You two are adults. Although I can’t tell you what to do I can tell you I don’t want any babies in my house. Just think about what you’re doing, adults or not you don’t exactly have your lives together.” “
“Jenny, seriously stop!” Embarrassed, I pull the covers over my head. Jenny leaves and, once the door shuts Avery hops out of bed, jerks the covers off and starts tickling me as if nothing just happened. Rolling onto my stomach to try and get away I accidently kick him and he falls off the bed towards my nightstand causing it to topple it over. I don’t hear anything from him after the crash. Still laughing, I peer over the edge of the bed to the floor and see Avery sitting there holding my last pill bottle staring at it. My face turns white, he’s holding the one I’ve kept just in case. He knows I should only have anxiety medicine and no pain pills. Shock courses through my body. My emotions are frenzied. I’m angry I kept them and I use them as a crutch. I’m embarrassed he knows my secret.
“Hadley,” he says quietly, “W do you have these?”
I can’t look him in the eye so I look down at my thumb and start playing with the skin on the side of it. Reluctantly I answer him. “They’re pain pills.”