Life After

by Warren, P. A

  Getting up he moves to sit on my bed still holding the pills in his hand, I want to reach for and make a grab for them but I don’t. “But why do you still have them?”

  Grasping the comforter in my hands I pull it to my chest. I’m going to have to tell him I thought about killing myself in the beginning. That I used those pills to get through some of the first few weeks and still occasionally have to take them out just to know I have them. I don’t want to tell him the truth because the thought of him looking at me differently would be heartbreaking and I can’t take anymore heartbreak.

  Taking a deep breath I do something that surprises us both. I cry. I cry so very hard Avery pulls me towards his chest. I cry for my family, for what could have been. I cry for my present and my future and he just holds me tight letting me soak his shirt in tears. Once I’m able to calm down I start pacing the floor and it helps me figure out what I want to say to him. Looking at him I start softly talking, twisting my hands together.

  “There was a time after my family died when I didn’t want to live. So I would look at the pills and think about how much better life would be if I just took them. I obviously never took them, but I just needed the bottle as a comfort thing and honestly I forgot it was in there.”

  Grabbing the bottle from him I shake them and open the bottle showing him all the pills are in fact there. Tossing them back to him I continue talking not even paying attention to whether or not he caught them.

  “You take my mind off the darkness that has been my life since the accident.” Running my hands through my hair I look out the window watching a squirrel climb a tree. “I’ve been happier the last few months than I have been in a long time and since I’ve been spending time with you.”

  Stopping my pacing I walk over to him, “You, Avery, you are what pulled me out of my depression, you gave me a reason to live. When the nights were dark I knew you were a call away. You made me laugh when all I wanted to do was cry. You are the reason I’m here now.” Running my hands through my hair I take the pills that had landed on the bed and put them in his hand. “Here take them. Flush them or get rid of them.”

  Grasping the pill bottle in his clenched fist he leaves the room. A few minutes later I hear the toilet flush and his footsteps bring him back to the room. Staring at my feet, I’m having a hard time looking him in the eye. His finger finds my chin and lifts it up so I’m looking into his eyes, his are clouded with pain.

  “Don’t ever think life would be better off without you. The thought of you not being here one day is one of the worst things that could happen. You have a family, me, Jenny and Andrew. We love you.” Pulling me to his chest his arms tightening around me I let my eyes close as my face comes flush with his chest. “Most of all I love you.”

  I’m so awestruck by his speech that all I do is nod at him. He lifts my chin up and plants a light kiss on my lips.

  “We’ve got this Hadley. We got this. You and me.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Weeks pass and Avery and I spend almost every minute together. We talk for hours and watch so many movies I could probably apply for a job somewhere in Hollywood. I’m kidding. He’s even been able to get me to talk about what I’m feeling when I feel myself shutting down.

  He decided to take me fishing this Saturday, since he has taken it upon himself to help me complete some of my Bucket List items. He reminds me of how I used to get really excited before I would complete a Bucket list task. We had to improvise since I had actually written down that I wanted to catch a shark but that’s not going to happen so we settled for catching catfish. It’s a beautiful sunny day with hardly any clouds in the sky and a breeze in the air that keeps tangling my hair; I really should have brought a clip to put it up. I’ve never been fishing before so I was pretty darn excited until I found out that you use live worms and Avery said if I catch it I have to take it off the hook myself, apparently it’s all part of the “experience”.

  Standing on the dock he shows me how to cast the line and then we sit and wait, and wait. Just as I was starting to lose patience after only catching a twig I feel a tug at my pole.

  “Avery! I think I caught something!” I yell at him in an overly excited voice.

  Standing up he walks over to me positioning himself behind me and shows me how I want to reel it in, standing behind me I feel his chest pressed up against my back sending a zing right down to my toes, it’s all I can do not to drop the pole in the water. Thank God he has his hands on top of mine or the pole would have gone straight in the water.

  “I got it! I got it!” I yell excitedly once I see it coming out of the water in all its wiggling glory. I quickly hand it over to Avery refusing to touch the fish.

  I’m a girl okay? I don’t like slimy things.

  After that catch I decided to grab my camera so I could get pictures, it had been awhile since I grabbed my camera, but it was time to start using it again. I was actually fine with not fishing once I found out what it all entailed. After spending the better part of an hour taking pictures of everything and anything I set the camera down and sat down next to Avery so I could relax while he continued fishing...The silence of the lake was so relaxing with the lapping of the water against the dock that I wanted to stay here forever.

  ***

  Something wakes me up from a dead sleep. Sweat covers my body and my face is slick with tears, it has to be late, the darkness in the room is overwhelming to me. Reaching for my lamp I turn it on, grab my phone and see it’s about midnight and sleep has failed me, yet again. Tapping my hands against the phone I click on the TV and surf channels finding nothing to watch.

  Not even realizing what I’m doing my hand is already reaching into the nightstand drawer for my pills. I pull my hand back as if I were burned remembering they aren’t there. Ashamed I would do that my heart starts racing. What if Avery found out I checked for them? He will know I still crave them. It’s stupid since he’s sleeping and unless he has like x-ray vision or can read minds I’m okay. Putting a hand through my hair trying to clear my head I get up and walk to my closet. Opening it I pull my hoodie off its hanger. I need some air or something; it feels like the walls are starting to close in on me. Walking softly through the house I end up running into a chair since I didn’t want to turn on any lights.

  “Ooof.” Now that hurt, rubbing my hip in pain I put the chair back and keep walking to the back door. I step outside breathing in the cold crisp air. It’s cold but …just enough to be comfortable without freezing your ass off. Tilting my head back I look up at the stars, bright little pinpoints decorating the sky.

  Finding the lounge chair easily in the dark, I brush it off and recline back on it. Putting my arms behind my head I look at the sky trying to locate the big dipper. I silently watch the dark sky and the lights of planes as they fly across it.

  Wishing I had a telescope I continue to stare at the stars growing sleepier by the minute recalling the day my Dad had the bright idea to take us to a field so we could stargaze and watch for shooting stars. Unfortunately, Dad had forgotten to check the weather. It was cloudy and actually started to rain within twenty minutes of getting there. To top it off he ended up getting the car stuck in the mud and we had to walk about a mile down the road to a gas station for mom to come get us. Recalling what happened that night makes me laugh to myself. Looking up at the sky I whisper, “Thank you.”

  The memory reminded me of all the good times we had. It was a good night, feeling wetness on my cheeks I realize I am crying. Wiping my eyes I watch in awe as I see a shooting star streak across the sky. Jumping as the lounger sinks down beside me; I turn around and see Avery sitting next to me. He puts his arm around me putting his legs on either side of the lounger and pulls me towards his hard chest.

  “Why are you out here and not in bed?”

  “I was just getting lost in memories,” I tell him softly.

  He hugs me tighter and kisses the top of my head. The warmth and safety of his hold lulls me to sleep
without the thought of medicine.

  ***

  I think things are going to start getting better for me. I’m going to pull myself out of this depression. Don’t get me wrong I still need lots of help but if I’m able to open up a bit more emotionally I need professional help. Oh gosh I just admitted I need a shrink. Shaking my head I look to the picture on my nightstand. “How the mighty have fallen.” I say to it.

  I’m not all the way there yet but the pills are gone, they aren’t my crutch any longer. I’ve even started taking long walks every day to get fresh air and it helps me get out of my head for a bit.

  While walking these past few weeks I found an awesome little park close to the house where I can spend the day taking pictures and relaxing. I’ve been throwing around the idea of college as well. Jenny wants me to go and I really don’t know, College scares me and I don’t know why.

  I have an appointment with a psychologist in the next few days as well. I have to figure out a way to cope in a healthy manner. Avery made me realize it’s not right to rely on a pill bottle to get by and as much as I always want Avery to fix things he can’t always do that I have to do it myself.

  ***

  I’m sitting in front of the TV being lazy and watching another stupid reality show. Taking a sip of my chocolate milk I look over at Avery, who is all stretched out at the kitchen table going over a magazine looking for parts for his car. He’s sitting in that way only guys can without tipping the chair over.

  Tomorrow is my first day with a new psychologist. Yes, I’m seeing plenty of doctors, enough to set me up with a little black book of them. I’m nervous this is a head doctor. A shrink. What if I don’t say the right things? What if the doctor thinks I’m nuts? Wait...what if she thinks I’m being stupid? I mean I know I have to go but it doesn’t make it any easier. My anxiety starts to creep up and I’m feeling like I need to get up and move around.

  Taking a bite of my cookie after dunking it in my milk I clear my throat. He looks up tilting his head at me before he sets his magazine aside. “What’s going on in that head of yours Hadley?” Stretching his arms over his head causes his shirt to ride up and since his pants are low I catch a peek at his abs. Catching me staring he laughs, “My eyes are up here, Hadley,” he says, pointing to his face.

  Running his fingers through my hair as he sits next to me on the couch and pulls me towards him; cue the butterflies in my stomach and the erasing of my anxieties.

  “Do you think I’m crazy?” I ask laying my head on his shoulder.

  “Um, only when you look at my abs like you want to eat them.” Laughing he grabs the remote to change the channel. “But seriously no, I don’t think you’re crazy. Why would you ask that?”

  “I’m going to see the shrink.” I tell him picking at the blue blanket covering my legs. “Normal people don’t see shrinks.”

  “Hadley?”

  “Hmm?”

  “Have I ever told you why I came to live with here with Andrew and Jenny?”

  Biting my thumb I repeat what Jenny had told me when we drove here. “That your mom died and your dad liked to hit you.” Grabbing the remote from him I turn the TV to mute twisting around to face Avery. He’s sitting there silently rubbing the tattoo on his wrist and it looks like he might be sick. Putting my hand over his, “You know we don’t have to talk about this if you don’t want too.”

  Looking me in the eye with a serious glint in his eye he says, “No, I need to tell you this. So you will understand.” Swallowing deeply he starts speaking softly.

  “I had what I thought was a great life. I mean what kid doesn’t? I had a mom that loved me and a dad who was still at home and showed me attention. When Andrew lived there we were all like one of those Leave It To Beaver type families. I had everything I wanted. All I had to do was ask and I got what I wanted. I must have been blind to the dark side of my dad. It wasn’t until I came home early one day from soccer practice that I walked in on him hitting her.”

  Avery’s staring into space and jumps as I touch him. He seems to forget that we are in the present and not the ghosts of his past as he is telling me about what happened. I move closer to him and pull him towards me to hug him as he continues. “I tried to stop him,” he whispers. “I tried so hard. But then he started hitting me I lost my balance and he kicked me in the stomach and kept kicking me over and over again until I blacked out. When I came to I was still on the floor but my mom was sitting next to me crying.” Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand he holds me tighter as he continues talking. “Hearing her cry was the worst sound in the world for me. I was supposed to protect her but I failed her.”

  “I failed her.”

  Avery stands, slightly agitated, he walks around the room putting his hands through his hair until he leans on the fireplace mantel and takes a deep breath. Somehow I know the worst is to come from him and I was right. Only I had no clue just how bad it was.

  “He abused me for months and he would force my mom to watch as he did it. I was too ashamed to tell my brother what was going on and I regret that to this day.” Taking a deep breath he lets it out slowly before continuing. “One day I came home to a quiet house. It was dark inside. I remember it looked like a tornado blew through and that was really weird because my dad demanded perfection and that meant a spotless house. The end table was broken in pieces and glass was shattered all around the floor. I remember feeling it crunch when I walked in the living room.”

  I’m in shock with what he has told me. It’s taking everything in me not to walk up and grab him so I can hold him. I’m pissed off at his dad and I swear he is lucky I don’t know where he is or else I’d be on my way to screw his day up. Shaking my head out of my thoughts I watch him continue to pace. I can tell he is having a really hard time talking about this and it’s taking everything in me to stay put on the couch and not go to him and put my arms around him.

  “Hadley, I found her.” he says, seeming broken. “I found her in a pool of her own blood at the bottom of the stairs. Her body was mangled from him beating her and then he must have pushed her down the stairs. I blamed myself for so long for not telling anyone this was going on,” he says so quietly I almost miss it.

  Walking over to me he gets down on his knees in front of me and points to his tattooed wrist. “Do you know why I have this tattoo here?”

  Shaking my head no I’m almost afraid of the answer. I’m not sure I can handle much more my emotions are on a rollercoaster right now.

  “I tried to kill myself. But I was so messed up I couldn’t even do that right. Andrew found me passed out on the bathroom floor the night I tried. It was maybe a week after I had come to live with him and Jenny.”

  “After a lot of therapy and I mean a lot, I’ve realized it wasn’t my fault and that I do want to live. That one day I want to be the father I never had.”

  He looks at me but he is looking through me still lost in the past. Leaning towards him I grab him around the waist and hold him tight even as he stiffens up. After a few minutes he stops fighting me putting his arms around my waist and lets me comfort him.

  “Let it go, baby. Let it go.” I’m so caught up in the moment that I don’t even realize that I let the endearment slip from my tongue. We stay holding each other for awhile me rubbing his back as he starts to get back in control of his emotions. Pulling back he puts his hands on my face and tilts it so I’m looking up at him

  “So you see I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re strong. I wish I had been half the person you are.”

  Feeling my eyes well when he says that I do the only thing I can do to clear the air. He keeps saying how strong I am and I have to tell him about the day in the shower. Wiping my eyes my voice cracks when I start speaking. “I’m not even sure if you remember when you walking in on me in the bathroom? It was awhile ago.”

  “I remember you were pretty pissed off at me.”

  “Well, see you interrupted me trying to cut my own wrists. Life was so dark f
or me those first few months after the accident. All I wanted to do was join my family and leave here. Then you barged in and I was so pissed off and worried that you would see what I was trying to do and the fact that you stopped me from killing myself. I mean seriously…what are the chances that would happen?”

  I’m not sure how long we stand there holding each other but after awhile I pull back and look up into his eyes. Then down to his lips, his soft lips that aren’t smiling right now. Those lips have helped me so much when I’ve needed a boost. Lifting myself up on my toes I gently pull his head down and place my lips to his.

  “You saved my life that day.”

  Chapter Twenty

  The days pass quickly as we near Christmas. I’m not going to lie; I’m starting to feel really down the closer it gets to Christmas. I can’t explain it exactly but it is almost like a dark cloud has descended upon me. I’m snapping at Avery, Jenny and Andrew for no reason.

  It hurts watching them make Christmas cookies and I have to leave the room when they turn on the Christmas movies. I start sobbing when Christmas Vacation comes on for crying out loud. I’ve been keeping to myself more and spending lots of time in my room. I haven’t even bought any presents yet because quite honestly I can’t bring myself to do it.

  I crave that pill bottle like candy, but since it’s gone there’s nothing I can do about it. I’ve been taking long walks down to the little park about a mile away just to get away from all the holiday festivities. I like watching the leaves fly around and dance. I like the silence the park provides. I’ve even started bringing my camera out with me and taking pictures of the swirling red and orange leaves.

  Kicking some rocks out of the way I lay on the ground to take some pictures. I’m pissed off at myself because I was doing so well not being depressed and being normal but as usually it can’t last because that would be too easy right?