by Warren, P. A
Avery reaches over and puts his hand on my leg patting it softly in comfort and I place mine on top of his entwining our fingers until he pulls his hand away to drive the car. He cuts in front of someone who honks their horn, and I’m hitting my imaginary brake.
I purse my lips not giving into the fear that wants to break out.
Pulling my phone out of my purse to distract me from Avery’s driving I check for any missed calls. None. I don’t know why I’m even surprised, Jenny knows I was at the appointment and Avery was with me. Jamie who I thought was my best friend hasn’t called since I left. I thought we were better friends than that. So who exactly would call me? Looking up from the phone I notice we aren’t on the way home at all but turning in to the parking lot of a frozen yogurt shop.
“Erm,” I say staring at the brightly painted outside of the store, “Why are we at a yogurt shop?”
“Oh you know to buy some shoes. Come on Hadley why do you think we’re at the yogurt shop?”
Okay, he totally took that the wrong way but whatever it was a good comeback.
Avery jumps out of the car and runs to my side of opening the door for me. Bowing he says, “My dear Hadley…you can cure almost anything with frozen yogurt and we are going to cure your bad day.” He pulls me out of the car and puts his arm around my shoulder pulling me up next to him kissing the top of my head.
The bell rings, a very piercing loud sound as Avery opens the door for me. I inhale the air conditioned sweet smell of the yogurt shop, it’s a wonderful mixture of candy and ice cream. Inhaling deeply again, I really think they should market it, like the flavor of happiness. There are too many things to look at, the menu, the candy buffet, Avery being sexy as hell, the lone waitress blushing as he fills a cup of yogurt. I’m trying to decide what to put on my yogurt when Avery waves a cup under my nose.
“Come back from lala land Hadley…come back…we have yogurt.”
Snapping out of it I follow the cup with my eyes. Pinching his side gets him to stop and I grab my yogurt. Holding it up like a trophy I give my acceptance speech. “Thank you, kind sir. I would like to thank the Academy—
Cutting me off Avery puts his hand over my mouth. “How are you going to pick what candy you want?” Wagging his eyebrows at me, “Do you choose one or choose two? Be daring Hadley…live a little…get one of each!”
Shaking my head at his antics I move back over to the buffet and start piling on candy. Once done I walk over to the table Avery’s sitting at and notice he doesn’t have one candy topping. Pointing to his dish I ask, “Aren’t we living a little?”
“Naw, sometimes plain is good.”
“So you make this huge deal about living a little and here you are eating plain yogurt.” I look at my yogurt hidden under sprinkles, chocolate chips and gummy worms.
“Frozen yogurt,” he corrects. I roll my eyes, looking out the window; I savor the yogurt, licking my spoon, sucking on gummy worms, letting the chocolate chips melt in my mouth. I catch a family walking by laughing with their kids. Seeing a family together is still something I have to work, it gets to me, turning me into a jealous wretch. Avery doesn’t seem to notice, eating his plain yogurt. I get a warm feeling in my heart. He makes me feel things I have never felt before. He makes me think life will be okay and that it’s worth living again. He catches me watching him and grins at me. My mind drifts back to my therapy session and my stomach rolls with the dread I’m feeling about having to write this letter. It’s so weird to be so afraid to write something on paper they will never see.
“Hey Hadley?”
Startled out of my thoughts I come back to the present realizing I’ve been sitting there with the spoon in midair dripping yogurt on me and the table. Grabbing a napkin I wipe at my shirt trying to get some of the yogurt off. “Hmm?” Wiping the mess I made off the table and balling up the napkins. The yogurt has become a gross melted candy mess.
“You’ve been zoned out all day. What’s going on?” he asks leaning forward watching me.
Tracing a crack in the table top, “I’m sorry it’s just been a super long day. I haven’t really been great company have I?” Grabbing my hands into his he starts talking and I start really listening. I owe him my full attention.
“It’s okay to be okay, you know that right? I’m here for you; actually we are all here ready and waiting for when you need us. You just have to let us in.”
“If only it was that easy. I mean why the hell can’t I turn the guilt off? I’ve had time. What the heck is wrong with me?”
Looking down at my lap I see a bunch of tiny napkin pieces. I don’t even recall tearing it up, it looks like a little mountain. I bunch them all together and put them on the table. The mutilated napkin sits there attesting to my nervousness. “Can I ask you a question, Avery?”
“You just did,” he says with a grin. “Seriously, though you can ask me anything you want.”
I can’t believe I’m about to ask him this but I have to know, the not knowing is killing me. I don’t care if it’s wrong. I don’t care about anything other than knowing the answer to this question. Blowing the breath out of my cheeks I just go for it. “Is it wrong to be in love with someone so soon after someone’s death?”
He’s sitting there with a stunned look on his face. A few minutes pass and he still hasn’t said anything. Well this is awkward. Pushing my chair out, I stumble quickly away, not waiting for his response.
I leave, I don’t bother to look back, I don’t want to see his shocked face again. Walking towards the parking lot I hear footstep jogging towards me and keep on trying not to cry.
“Hadley! Will you please stop?”
“You made yourself clear a few minutes ago. So no I’m not stopping.” I reply bitterly.
“How did I make myself clear? You didn’t give me a chance. I was trying to take in what you said. But you ran out before I could respond.” He’s angry throwing his hands in the air. “You always do that, run off and become all dramatic. I’m so sick of the drama! One minute you’re lovey dovey and the next you hate the world.”
“Are we really going to do this here in a parking lot?” I ask rolling my eyes and running my hand through my long hair.
“You started this and I’m finishing it for good.” He stalks towards me with an intent angry look in his eyes. I’m not scared of him; I know he wouldn’t hurt me.
He backs me up to the car door leaning forward, putting his arms on either side of me. “You’re so afraid to feel something, Hadley. How long's it going to take you until you understand that you did not die?” he punctuates every syllable of those last four words. “Don't you think that for one minute your mom or dad wouldn't want you to be anything but happy? You never gave me the chance to respond to you back there before you left.” His forehead knocks against mine, his lips so close that if I leaned forward an inch they would touch. I ball my hands into a fist so I don’t lean in and kiss him.
I can smell his aftershave and it smells so good. It is so hard not to pull his face towards mine. “I want you so badly it hurts. I want to take your pain away. I want you to smile. I want you to be happy and I’m selfish because I want the reason you’re happy to be me, Hadley, me. Every time I think we’re okay and have a chance at being a normal couple you go back into your shell. You become angry at the world and that’s not fair. I’m not a puppet for you to pull my strings when you need me. I have feelings too and you’re hurting mine every time you push me away.”
He’s so tense. I can see veins popping out of his neck; I’ve done this to him. I’ve been so immersed in dealing with my own grief that I haven’t been aware of how I’m affecting those around me.
I’m stunned when I realize just what I am doing to Avery. I’ve been coddled enough. It’s time for me to starting living again and to stop hurting the ones I love.
“I’m done, Avery. I’m getting the help I need and I am going to be happy again. My mom and dad would hate how I have turned out. They were live for the mo
ment, dance in the rain kind of people. I’m doing a disservice to their memory. You were brought into my life when it was dark and have done everything you can to help me. I’ve almost snuffed your light out. You mean too much to me for me to hurt you whether intentionally or not—”
Taking my hand he puts it to his mouth, the sensation of his lips stop me from what I was about to say. His other hand goes to the back of my neck and pulls me forward as his lips descend towards mine only he stops millimeters away. Pulling my hand away I put it behind his neck. I can taste the cool mint of his breath on my lips, I’m yearning for him to come closer and he stops.
“If you want a kiss Hadley you’re going to have to be the one to kiss me, sweetie. Now is your time to step up,” he tells me softly.
Moving my hands through his soft dark hair, staying that way for a few minutes I watch his eyes darken as I pull him down into one of the best kisses I’ve ever had. We stand there kissing in broad daylight in a parking lot pressed up against the car not caring if the world see’s us. What were we fighting about again?
***
When we unattach ourselves from each other my mind is still so focused on the kiss that I fail to have a worry about getting into the car. I of course play the DJ because Avery has crap music taste. No Luke Bryan my ass, I smile as a turn the volume up. Avery pulls his sunglasses down, “Oh no you didn’t.”
“Oh, I’m pretty sure I did.”
Turning the music off he suggests a game of twenty questions, anything so he doesn’t have to listen to Luke Bryan. We play twenty questions the entire way home, while it’s all fun and games I can’t push that niggling feeling of guilt out of my gut. Biting my lip I think about the pamphlet burning a hole in my pocket. “Avery?” I turn to him watching his profile as he drives.
“Hmm?”
“How do you feel about grief counseling? If I decided to go to it?”
Pulling up at a red light he looks over at me with a smile on his face seeming to think for a minute before he speaks, “I think it would be an awesome thing for you to do. I think you could benefit from it and if you wouldn’t mind I would like to go with you to the meetings.”
“You would go with me?”
Laughing, “Darlin’, we’re a couple, a unit. I stand by you and emotionally we help each other. We are like lobsters…when we mate it will be for life.”
Looking sideways at him, “You know I don’t think its lobsters that mate for life.I think it’s actually penguins.
“Don’t ruin the moment Hadley, just close your eyes and imagine us as lobster’s that do mate for life walking claw in claw.”
“I like how you take something serious and turn it around to lobsters.”
He lets out a laugh, “What can I say? You know you love it.
“First I lobster…then I flounder…” He starts singing out of tune.
“Seriously stop singing or I’m putting Luke back on.” Laughing at him I take his hand enjoying how it feels in mine during the ride home.
My lobster.
Everything’s going to be okay.
Chapter Twenty Three
That night dinner takes an unusual turn when Jenny tries to serve us some sort of vegan dish. We’re doing the normal sit around the table and talk routine when I pop a chicken nugget in my mouth, and an utterly disgusting taste fills my mouth. Scrunching up my mouth trying not to spit it back onto my plate I grab my napkin and dispose of the so-called chicken nugget. Taking a large sip of water I try to get rid of the awful taste.
“Jenny, I think something is off with the chicken.” Moving the offensive chicken to the side of my plate I gag at the thought of eating more of it. “Did you check the expiration date before you cooked it?”
Jenny looks over at me with an evil eye, but before she can say anything we’re interrupted by Andrew and Avery choking on the same nuggets.
“I’m not eating this. I love you Jenny, but I can’t do it,” Andrew says.
Jenny looks at all of us frustrated throwing her hands in the air. “Have you all never had anything vegan before?” she asks innocently taking a bite of the imposter chicken.
Looking over at her incredulously, “Um no, I do the whole PETA thing: People Eating Tasty Animals. I’m top of the food chain here.”
Noticing the freshly steamed vegetables on the plate I decide those can’t be messed up and take a bite. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wincing I swallow the offending vegetables and take a very big sip of water. Jenny looks at us sadly and leaves the room. Andrew gives one last sad look at the inedible dinner picks up his keys and tells us he is running out for some food. Pushing my plate away I stare at the table cloth thinking about how awesome my mom’s cooking was, but I’m not supposed to have thoughts that bring me down, per my psychologist. So I reroute my way of thinking and instead think I need to figure out how to cook like she used to. A sudden thought pops into my head if only I had a light bulb for over my head, it would be the perfect opportunity for one.
“Avery!"
He jumps hitting his knees on the table, almost knocking our water glasses over and I realize I yelled at him a bit loudly in my excitement.
“Oops!” I say chagrined. “I didn’t mean to yell like that but I’m just so brilliant!”
He raises an eyebrow while rubbing his knee.
“Remember how my psychologist has been telling me to look at the brightside and not to always look at the downside of everything?”
He looks at me blankly, “Yes…but why exactly are you so excited about it?”
“Well I was sitting here sad that this food was horrible and I remembered how amazing my mom was and then the words from therapy started floating around in my head and I thought we could go to a cooking class together as our first official date! We’ve never really had an actual date or anything.” I tell him trying to sweeten the deal. I’m sitting there smiling all proud of myself when I look over at Avery who appears about as enthused as if he had a trip to the dentist.
Rubbing his hands over his face several times he sprawls out in the chair in a way guys are able to do without looking stupid. “So,” he says with his hands behind his head, “If I do this cooking class—” He looks green about it, “You will go with me to this weekly grief counseling meeting? I know we just talked about it but I think it’s really important for us to attend it.”
Now the tables are turned and I’m the one green I’m picturing in my head having to tell everyone all of my secrets and I don’t want to share with strangers, but with him by my side I think I can do it. I may or may not have a panic attack while I’m there but I’ll be willing to give it a try. I hold out my hand to him and we shake on it.
Looking at him sternly, “This will be a date. Dress appropriately.” Winking at him I start clearing off the table and slowly walk into the kitchen hoping Andrew brings us back something good to eat. Throwing the offending leftovers out I take the trash out and start filling the dishwasher, it’s a task I have always hated but I finish it nevertheless. My stomach rumbles as I’m putting the detergent in, putting my hand over my stomach I close the drawer and walk over to the pantry. I grab my sugar covered donuts not really paying attention because they should be in their normal spot and my hand hit’s air turning my head I see lots of bran snacks and dried fruit. Oh crap, Jenny’s cleared out all the junk food. Crap. This is not a good thing. I’m still staring at the empty pantry when Andrew walks in carrying greasy bags of hamburgers and fries.
“Why are you staring at the pantry?” he asks, setting the food on the counter.
“She threw out all the junk food and replaced it with fake food.” I tell him mournfully.
He looks over at me with a serious look on his face, well as serious as one can with their cheeks stuffed with a cheeseburger and another already in his hands. “I’ll grab some junk food on the way home from work tomorrow and hide it in my office.” he says between bites. We fist bump and I grab a burger for Avery and I and head to the living room to watch a movie wi
th him.
Chapter Twenty four
The group therapy meeting comes before my cooking day. I may or may not have been had by agreeing to do this. Walking into the church my breath hitches as I take in where the Grief Recovery Support group is held. I haven’t been in a church since before the accident so it is with great hesitation that I walk in. My faith is on shaky ground and churches have been way out of my comfort zone. I stop in my tracks causing Avery to almost bump into me, lifting my head to look at the angels in the stained glass windows. It’s a surreal feeling to be at peace here. Peace was something I didn’t expect to feel. Hand in hand Avery and I walk towards a small table set with pens, name cards and pamphlets. Filling out our name cards we put them on and find a seat in the circle of chairs where others are starting together.
“Welcome to Grief Recovery Support, my name is Adele and I will be your group leader.” An older lady with graying hair and a very bright pink shirt tells stands in the circle of chairs. “I see we have some new faces here,” she says pointing to Avery and me along with a few people seated across from us. “Our mission here is to help guide you through this. So not only can you verbalize your feelings but also deal with the pain and guilt associated with it. It is necessary you commit to these meeting or they most likely won’t be successful and it will be a waste of yours and the group’s time,” she says frankly looking at us.
She has us go around the circle and introduce ourselves; first names only and why we have come. When it’s my turn I stand, shaking with nerves, glancing around the room I see everyone waiting patiently for me to continue. I notice a little old lady that’s pulled out her knitting needles and the middle aged gentleman who looks as though he has hit the bottle one too many times. I glance behind me at Avery who has his hands clasped tightly. My anxiety has sky rocketed, my lungs tightening, I’m almost in full blown panic attack stage and I don’t want to get there. I practice the breathing technique I learned at my therapy session that seems to help so I do it a few more times clasping Avery’s hand before starting.