by Warren, P. A
Taking a deep breath I begin talking. “My name is Hadley,” I take a long pause. “I’m here because I’m having a hard time dealing with the loss of my family.” My hands are clasped together tightly. Once I’ve sat down, a hand comes to rest on my knee. Jumping, I look over at Avery and put my hand on top of his. Holding my cold one in his warm one I feel comforted just by a single touch.
Once everyone has gone around the circle Adele starts clapping. She tells us that step one is telling others why you are here. That’s one of the hardest parts of the group, opening up to strangers. She grabs some folders from the table and hands them to each of us.
“We’re going to be working on step two next week. In these packets you will find handouts about dealing with grief and survivor’s guilt along with website addresses and my phone number if you ever need to talk. I’m available anytime, 24/7 anytime! I mean it.”
Pausing for a minute she ends the session with the group’s affirmation. “It is okay to love, be loved and not feel guilty. Our loved ones would not want that. Moving on does not mean we are forgetting.” She says a quick closing prayer and lets us know she will see us next week same day and time.
Leaving the meeting I feel good, really good. I feel like I can go through with this and become a better person. The best part is I didn’t let my anxiety take hold of me and win during the meeting, I was the victor. It’s the little things right? Unfortunately I failed to remember the saying a few nights later; two steps forward and one step backwards.
***
Several nights passed since we went to the grief meeting and I’m sitting in my room pensively staring at my blank notebook and pen. It’s time I wrote that letter to my dad. I have dreaded writing this letter and put it off as long as I could. I mean let’s get real. I want my dad here with me I don’t want to write him a stupid letter, it’s not the same. Leaning back against my pillow, tapping my pencil against the notebook I finally put pencil to paper and the lead breaks. Sighing I throw it to the floor and dig out a pen from my purse. Pink is playing in the background as I contemplate the blank paper in front of me. Why is this so hard for me? I take a deep breath and start to write.
Dear Dad,
I miss you. I miss you so much. I’m writing this letter to officially tell you goodbye. If you’re wondering why I’m doing this it is a ‘homework exercise’ that my therapist suggested I do. I know the irony is great since you are the one who used to get on my case all the time about me doing my homework. To tell you the truth I would give anything to have you get angry at me again. I couldn’t stay at your funeral. I couldn’t watch them put you in the ground knowing you would be cold and never see light again. Daddy, I miss you so much. I’m so angry that you are gone. I keep expecting you to call me or to see and you’re gone. Why did you have to leave me?
I didn’t have the chance to even tell you how much I love you. Did you know how much I love you? I love you more than the moon and the stars. I keep dreaming of the accident over and over again. It is my penance for surviving. I’m sorry for being such a brat that night. I regret it more than you will ever know. Daddy, I met someone, his name is Avery. He is a wonderful guy. I think you would like him. He has helped me survive when all I wanted to do was drown. He pulled me to the surface. I suppose it’s time I started telling him about you so I can introduce the two of you. I know you’re watching me from Heaven. Most of all Daddy I hope you know how much I love you.
Love Always,
Hadley
I fold the letter and put it on my desk it feels so damn inadequate to write that letter, suddenly the dam breaks. I can’t hold it in any longer. It’s like all of the pain and anger I’ve kept inside is coming to a head after writing that single letter. It’s as if my brain is finally accepting their deaths. I put the heels of my hands to my eyes trying to stop the flow of tears but it is a useless cause. They pour out of me.
Grabbing the picture frame next to my bed I throw it against the wall watching it shatter into tiny pieces. Moving to where the glass lays scattered on the floor kneeling down not caring about the glass that pierces my skin, I pick up the picture and hold it to my chest as I sit there sobbing, the glass cutting into my knee’s but I feel nothing.
Looking towards my CDs on the floor I grab as many as I can near me and throw them across the room, anything in my path is thrown. My room is a mess, but I could care less. Emotionally exhausted I curl up on the floor and hug the one undamaged thing in the room, my picture of us. Hugging it close I let it all out and cry for what it’s worth, the pain pouring out of my chest. I’m so out of control it feels hard to breathe.
The door opens and a few minutes later I feel arms around me that lift me onto the bed, curling me against the covers. I stare blankly at the wall. The bed dips low and I feel as someone lies next to me and wraps their arms around me. I know its Avery, his cologne gives him away. He pulls me so my head is on his arm and I’m cradled to his chest. I sob even harder when his arms come around me. He does nothing but holds me and rubs my back letting me get it all out of my system.
Clearing his throat he tilts my head up making me look him in the eye, “What’s going on Hads? I heard all the crashing from the living room and thought someone broke in. You really scared me.” He sounds shaken as he leans forward to kiss the top of my head.
Eye level with his grey t-shirt I lay there sniffing, he hands me a tissue from the Kleenex box.
“All this emotion hit me like a pyramid all coming down at once and I couldn’t handle it, it was almost like I had an out of body experience. I wrote that letter to my dad like the therapist suggested and I don’t know what came over me. I was angry at them for leaving me and then I was so utterly sad I started crying and then I was mad again. I know how can you be mad at someone that’s gone? It’s like all my emotions were an explosion.”
Picking at Avery’s shirt I continue, unable to bring my eyes to his. “I was thinking about the letter and the fact they were never coming back and that the therapist made me write the stupid letter in the first place. I was doing so well with everything and then this!”
Disgusted with myself I move away from him, I’m such a broken shell of a person he needs someone normal. “Avery,” I start shakily. “I’m no good for you. You deserve someone unbroken someone who doesn’t freak out like this. Someone who doesn’t act this way, I’m not normal anymore.”
I’m exhausted, I just want to go to sleep and pretend this didn’t happen and that I don’t have to explain the damage I did to my room to Jenny or have the long talk with my therapist. But it looks as though Avery isn’t done with me yet. Turning on my side with my back to his chest, a few tears escape my eyes and run down my cheek hitting the pillow beneath my head.
He clears his throat gruffly before he starts talking softly. “Define normal for me.”
When I refuse to answer him or acknowledge him he continues.
“I mean, Hadley we keep going over this. It’s like a merry go round with how you keep saying I don’t deserve you and that you’re broken. Didn’t we just do this a few weeks ago? Guess what? That doesn’t bother me. I don’t think you’re broken and I’m so sick of hearing you say it.” Running his hands through my hair he lays his chin on top of my head and I can’t help but scoot into him. “You’re dealing with a tragedy no one should ever have to experience and I think you’re doing an extraordinary job of it so far. Everyone is entitled to have a breakdown once in awhile. It’s how you act afterwards that matters. You’re worthy Hadley and you will always be worthy. I’m the one who doesn’t feel worthy of you half the time. Hell, when the going got tough what did I do? I tried to kill myself. I don’t want you thinking about this again or thinking you are for some stupid reason unworthy. You’re not alone, everyone somewhere is dealing with something, you know?”
Laying there I’m struck silent, digesting what he said. When he puts his hand through my hair and starts massaging my head, I have so many things I want to say but they all pal
e in comparison. It feels so good that before I know it the tension leaves my body and I feel my mind letting go of everything that happened tonight.
Turning to face him I do the only thing I can think of to convey how I’m feeling towards him. Reaching out I pull him into a hug bringing his head down and pressing my lips to his. At first he seems stunned I’m kissing him after everything that has happened. I mean I’m kind of shocked I did it as well. He stays still and does nothing until I press my tongue to the seams of his lips.
Once he opens his mouth to let me in I somehow manage to lose control of the kiss and Avery takes advantage of that. I feel his hands lifting my shirt and I don’t stop him, his hands are on my waist tracing my curves. Shivering, I love when he does that, it makes me feel so tiny. My hands find his shirt and creep under to feel the hardness of his chest and suddenly he pulls away.
“We have to stop, Hadley.” He pushes up from the bed walking across the room.
“Don’t you want this?” I ask him shyly not able to look at him.
“Of course I do,” he says standing and pulling his shirt down and putting his hands through his hair. “It’s taking everything I have not to kiss you again. You have no idea how much I want you right now, but I want to do this right and tonight's not that night.”
I beckon him over while putting my shirt back on and pat my bed, “Come on I’ll be good I promise I just need you to hold me tonight.”
I’m fully enjoying the smell of him and the closeness that he provides with his chest to my back. As I’m falling asleep I have a sudden realization that I will always feel safe in Avery’s arms. He has always been the one to make me feel cherished, like I could take on the world. It’s then that I realize He’s helped me complete yet another goal on my Bucket List one of the most important of all, falling in love.
Chapter Twenty Five
Stretching I reach for Avery and feel the cool sheets and the indentation of where he was last night. He’s not there. My face reddens remembering the events the night before; aka my breakdown, how many is this now? Groaning I rub my hands over my eyes rolling over I stretch my arms over my head. Sitting, I’m astonished by what I see. My room is spotless. Like completely spotless. It’s like nothing happened last night. Nothing at all. Standing I forget my knee tends to get really stiff at night and it gives out on me. Making a grab for the bed frame to steady myself I catch myself before I fall to the floor.
Sitting back down I do a few exercises the therapist showed me to loosen the knee. As I’m doing the exercises my door opens and shuts with a click. Looking up, I see Avery leaning against the doorframe. Smiling at him I motion for him to sit next to me on the bed.
“Why did you clean all this up? I was going to get it today.”
Shrugging he replies, “It needed doing and I was up. No big deal.”
Testing my knee out it holds and I’m able to stand as I move across the room and wrap my arms around him and inhale his delicious smell. Breathing him in makes me feel like I’ve just taken a walk outdoors with the sexiest man alive. Weird, but whatever he smells yummy. Okay so that was corny but whatever he doesn’t know what I’ve been thinking about.
Smiling up at him, “It meant something to me though and that’s what matters.” Leaning forward I give him a quick kiss and tell him to leave so I can get dressed.
After he leaves I walk to the window and move the curtain looking down at the grass. , Pushing the window open I lean out and take a deep breath of fresh air. I feel like a brand new person, like all this weight that has been bearing down on me has left , maybe last’s nights breakdown was just what I needed, today is a new day. Today is a day to let love in.
It’s time for the pity train to leave the station and for me to grow up.
Feeling better than I have in a long time I get into the shower and turn the spray on nice and hot. Letting the water run down me and cleansing me I think back to last night and am embarrassed by my behavior but I feel freer somehow. Maybe my therapist really does know what she is talking about. I feel like I want to live again and that I can do it. The accident did not take my life and for me not to live would be a dishonor to my family.
While getting dressed I make a mental list of things I need to do.
Once I’m out of the shower and dressed I grab my notebook; it’s time to write the rest of the letters. Sitting down on my bed I get started on the three final letters that Marie, my lovely but pain in the ass psychologist has been bugging me to write; one to my Mom, Lexi and myself.
The past few sessions she asked if I had written the letter to my dad and I kept brushing her off. Then she added on the last three letters for me to do when I felt like it. I was confused at first as to why she wanted me to write one to myself, but she explained to me I had to say goodbye to the old me and welcome the new stronger me to life and that by doing so I would hopefully be able to heal from the accident and loss.
Lying on my stomach I think back to how dark the days were in the beginning, right after the accident. It had been so very hard sometimes to function some days. How I didn’t care if I lived or died and how I kept those pills near me all the time, the crutch they became to me. I’m embarrassed I ever considered suicide.
The fact I’m starting to look forward to each day is a huge deal. I write about everything that has happened. I put it all in black and white; the suicidal thoughts, the depression, the hate. I start writing about Avery and how he brought me into the light with his positive energy, always being there and he is my rock. I also write how undeserving I was of him in the beginning. I pour it all out. Nothing is safe from this letter. Three pages later I’m satisfied and fold it up placing it safely in the envelope.
***
Avery offered to drive me to the community college and I let him. I think he can tell the dark cloud has lifted because he seems more relaxed than I have ever seen him before.
After checking off one of the things on my list by visiting the community college I ask Avery to drive us somewhere quiet so I can talk with him without being interrupted. He looks at me funny but nods and drives us to the lake where he took us fishing. Pulling into a parking spot he turns the car off and gets out. He runs to the other side and quickly opens my door and I nervously put my hand in his as he helps me out. Shutting the door I point to the empty dock where we fished from.
“Can we go to the dock and talk for a bit?”
I’m so nervous about this, I’ve never told anyone I love them before and I really don’t want to scare Avery away. He has no idea what’s going on in my head so he’s probably questioning my sanity right about now.
Raising his eyebrows at me he nods and takes hold of my hand and walks with me to the edge of the dock.
“Okay before I step on the dock I have to know what’s going on.”
Looking up at him smiling, “It has to do with my Bucket List.”
“Okay I’ll take that explanation for now,” He says amused.
The water makes calming sounds as the small waves slap against the dock as we walk down to the end of it.
“Remember when we talked about my Bucket List?”
Nodding he looks down at me waiting for me to go on.
“Well there was one thing on my Bucket List, to fall in love, it’s been on there for years but I was never able to complete it until you came along.”
Looking him straight in his green eyes anything I had planned on saying went out the window, the love I saw staring at me gave me no doubt that I was doing the right thing.
“You, Avery have seen me at my worst and are helping me rise above it; I know we didn’t start off on the right foot and I hope you don’t hold that against me.”
We both chuckle after I say that.
“Somewhere along the way I fell desperately and hopelessly in love with you.”
He doesn’t say anything before he leans his head down bringing his hands to my waist and pulling me towards him. His lips are on mine gently and then he increases the p
ressure and presses his tongue to my lips, I open my mouth to his seeking tongue. My mind is a whirl with all the emotions running around. Falling deeper into his kiss I put my hands in his hair and pull him even closer to me.
Pulling back breathing heavily he puts his hands on each side of my face staring at my swollen lips and says, “I love you too.”
I don’t have time to respond before he is sealing his lips to mine.
***
After that wonderful side trip to the lake we are back home sitting in the living room while I watch Avery play a video game. I have no idea what the point of the game is but he seems pretty interested in it. At first, I give him a little poke in his leg with my toe covered sock. He just grabs my foot and rubs it. That didn’t work so well, I silently pout. Sliding my hand over towards his thigh I trail my hands lightly over his leg moving up to his arm. Giving my hand a pat he doesn’t even look away from the game. Exasperated, I do what any girl would do in this situation and climb on top of him. I may have shocked him. Check something daring off my list, this is a first for me.
“Avery?”
I look at him very seriously putting my hands on both sides of his face. He’s staring at me like I’ve lost my mind but trying not to laugh. I’m just playing with him though. He’s adorable when he has no clue what I’m about to do. I pull the lollipop out of his mouth that he had been sucking on. It slides out with a ‘pop’ and I take a lick of it before I put it aside. He mumbles what I assume is a yes since I have his cheeks kind of smooshed together.