They fixed their clothes in silence. She offered nay tenderness, words, or cuddling.
“I’ll never hear the words from ye will I? Was that your goodbye fook?” He had to get away from her. Sweet hell, the pain of loving and not being loved in return was too much ta bear.
He strode to the living room and opened the blinds to stare out the window. Long ice cycles hung from the edge of the roof. “I should go outside and do some shoveling before it gets dark. Supper’s already in the oven. I plugged your Kindle in the only outlet that works. It should be charged fer ye to read.” He donned his coat and gloves and went outside to work off some anger and—aye—pain.
Chapter 13
Her bare feet slowly touched the floor and she pulled up her thong and leggings. She wiped away tears of frustration. Damn, she’d hurt him again, deeper this time. It was obvious by the stiff set of his shoulders that he was angry. He wanted her to tell him she loved him. Why couldn’t or wouldn’t the words pass her lips? They were in her heart, in her mind. What was she so scared of? She intertwined her fingers and laid her palms on top of her head and paced.
Was it the depth and the power of his love that held her back? She’d never known a guy who was this passionate, this giving. He would actually fly to the States to be with her during her tests. When she’d balked on that idea—and why, she hadn’t a clue—he’d put her wishes ahead of his. He told her he’d stay here if that’s what she wanted. His only request was that she’d come back to him. Gunner was that kind of man. He’d love totally, fiercely, and exclusively—and she was refusing it all. So, was she being wise or totally foolish? She’d never met a man like him and probably never would.
God, she was such an idiot. Maybe she wasn’t capable of true love. Or did her fear of being hurt again keep her from voicing what was blooming in her heart?
I’ve always hated drama queens. I find one lump and I fall apart. I act like a damn teenager with a big zit on Prom Night. Oh yeah, I can do drama.
Star dated Keith for ten months before she developed feelings for him and look how that relationship ended? Ugh. What an ass. He wasn’t one-tenth the man Gunner was. Her emotions for Keith had been nice, while hers for this Scottish shifter were more on the epic scale. Totally.
Would she have emotions to the same degree once she was away from Gunner’s powerful presence? Was all this a temporary thing? Oh hell, she needed to keep busy before she lost her freaking mind.
Once she stopped pacing, her attention was drawn to the pretty bird houses setting on the bar. One was square and the other round. Wouldn’t they look cute on the mantle? She moved the lanterns closer to the edge and set the houses in the center, arranging the pine and cones to accentuate them.
She made the bed and placed the quilt Ora had given them on top to add some color to the bedroom. She opened the blinds in the room. From one window she watched Gunner shovel a path to the pile of wood off the side of the cabin. The snow came over his knees and he was flinging shovelfuls like a madman.
Maybe she would go along with him tomorrow when he visited the shifters. Talking to them and learning about their lifestyles would be a nice experience. She needed more memories to take home with her. Because she had a strong suspicion reminisces of Gunner and his sweet bear would haunt her forever.
You love him, Star.
Yes, Moonie, I do.
Well-l-l-l Tell him!
I need to think this all through. We’ve been practically tied to each other’s hip for days. Will my feelings dwindle once I’m not constantly around him? No, I can’t tell him yet.
You’re over analyzing again.
Perhaps. But it was more than her feelings she’d be sharing: it was a possible cancer diagnosis. Worse case scenario, it could be months of chemo. And knowing Gunner, he’d insist on staying. What would that do to his job? He had a life, too. An important one. Did she have the right to change it? To ruin his reliable standing in the astronomers’ community?
What are you hiding from me? I sense so much worry. Is he already married?
No! Stop being so nosy. Don’t you have birthing exercises or something to do?
I love you, too, Star.
Once again Gunner made breakfast and just like dinner last night, he couldn’t or wouldn’t eat. Conversation was sparse and forced. He made no effort to touch her which was why she’d slept alone while he took the sofa. He’d distanced himself already.
He’d moaned a lot during the wee hours of the morning as he paced the floor. Something was causing him pain, but when she questioned him about it, he told her he’d pulled a muscle shoveling the heavy snow. She wasn’t so sure she believed him. Guilt weighed heavily on her chest. Why did she keep hurting this kind, yet domineering man?
She was doing the dishes when he moved to stand beside her; the closest he’d been since yesterday. “Are ye still going along when I go visit the members of the sleuth? I’ll be leaving soon, but I understand if ye’d rather stay here in the warm.”
Warm? With his avoidance, this cabin had turned damn cold. “I’d planned on joining you. These people have been nice to us. I’d like to talk to them for a while. Show my appreciation for all they’ve done for us.”
He paled and grabbed his chest. Leaning over the counter, he gasped. “Bear! Bear, for God’s sake dinna do this to me. I canna take any more of yer moaning and sulking. Stop hitting me. ՚Tis nae me fault she’s leaving without us.”
“Stop it, Gunner. Quit using Bear to make me feel guilty. I care for both of you…very much.” She dried her hands on a dishtowel and grabbed his biceps. “Don’t you get it? What if I have cancer? I’ll probably need surgery, recovery time, and chemo. What would you do then? I know how caring you are. You’d stay with me and probably lose your job. I can’t do that to you.”
“Ye’ve got a lump, and I’m nae making light of it. But, luv, lots of women have harmless cysts, Odds are that’s what ye’ve got. I want to be with ye to share in the happiness of the good news or when ye find out more needs done to regain yer health.”
His arms wrapped around her and nestled her against his firm body. She inhaled his woodsy scent and male musk and yearned for the tender moment to last. He kissed her head, the curve of her cheek, and feasted on her lips. His effect on her was too strong. Her resolve weakened. Damn, the man could turn her into an emotional yo-yo and she didn’t like it.
“However long your recovery would take, I’d stay with ye. With me credentials I could get a job anywhere. If we were married, I could take family leave fer as long as ye need.”
“Married?” She backed away.
“I’m almost sure I could do some astronomy work on the top of this mountain which would give us an income. Me love would keep ye secure. We’d have a good life.”
This geek thought you could talk marriage days after meeting. Yes, she loved him. She’d accepted that. And, like she so often did, she was damn near stunned with shock. Ever since her brother’s death and when her father abandoned them, she’d accepted things in stages. First shock. Then denial followed by fear. Acceptance wasn’t far behind and finally she was ready to work on whatever the problem or issue was that niggled at her brain or took the strength out of her heart.
“For a scientist, you look at human relationships in a simplistic way. I’ll put on my boots and slip into my coat, then I’ll be ready to go.”
Although the sun was brightly smiling through the pines, the snow was still deep and crusty. Gunner, who had found a pair of snow shoes and poles, offered to lead the way and create a partial path so walking would be easier on her. Even though things were strained between them, he only showed her kindness. This was his way—to think of her first. No other man had treated her so well, including her father.
“Star, since the wind has stopped blowing, let’s alter our route and go to the apex of Dunn Mountain first. I want to evaluate the area.”
“Sure. Lead the way, handsome.”
“No compliments need said when ye doo
na mean them.”
At least he was talking to her, even if he was chastising. And, frankly, she deserved it. She was sending him mixed messages. No wonder since her mind was so effing jumbled.
He stepped off a flat area covered with pine trees. “A series of telescopes could be mounted here. There’s enough room.” He sounded as excited as a child. “I’d have to get some engineers up here once I got the complete approval of the sleuth. I donna ken who holds title to this section of the ridge.”
“How would you get the equipment up this high? You’d need wiring. Right, Gunner?”
He nodded. “It would take a lot of planning, that’s fer sure. But the benefit might outweigh the costs. I’ll have to write up one fantastic proposal for the society.” He glanced at her and smiled. “If only I ken someone who knew how to prepare top-notch proposals.” His gaze met hers, acknowledgement registered and sadness took over his features. He jerked his chin downhill. “Are ye ready ta proceed?”
They soon reached a small hamlet of log cabins. Star counted eight and maybe six more farther down the hill. It didn’t take long for Alastair and other men to jam their shovels into the deep snow and join them. Their wives quickly exited their houses, smiling and waving. Isla invited everyone inside for coffee and tea.
The man with a long white beard, who hobbled with a cane, rang a bell three times that was mounted on a post. He said it was to inform others that a friendly gathering was about to happen. One of the women went to Ora’s small cabin to help her over to Alastair Dunn’s place.
“Did ye come to check on preparations for tomorrow night’s Sniffing Ceremony?” Isla handed Gunner and Star a mug of coffee. “We’ve got all the arrangements made. ՚Twill be a fun night. The first we’ve been able to safely have fer years.”
Star couldn’t help her curiosity. “What’s a Sniffing Ceremony?”
The eldest of the men spoke as if it was his due. “According ta tradition, every month, on the night of full moon, unattached males and females have a sniffing ceremony. Each man steps up to every female and smells her while they dance. This gives his inner bear the chance ta choose a mate.”
“Then the females go off alone and the interested male blindfolds her with a black hood and sniffs her womanhood. The hood saves the girl’s pride if the male doesna feel or smell the connection. If he and his bear like what they smell, the mask is removed.” The bearded old man wheezed a cough after his explanation.
A woman reached for a cookie and joined in the conversation. “Then the couples go off for some snuggle time.” The woman laughed and elbowed who Star presumed was her husband. “Remember how ye marked me that night, Douggen?”
Alastair closed the front door behind a group of shifters who’d just entered. “This full moon, we have three young women and two young males participating in the ceremony held around a large campfire. If ye werena already mated, Gunner, ye could participate.”
Star’s heart rate sped up. Her stomach cramped. Would Gunner tell them they weren’t in agreement to be mated? Would he join in the strange goings-on tonight? She glanced at him. He was pale again. He’d barely had any of his coffee and his hand bracketed his heart.
Ora shuffled in front of him. Her hands rubbed over his face and then planted over his chest. “Yer bear is in mourning. He’s dying.” The large dining room went quiet. Ora’s sightless gaze landed on Star. “You broke the bear’s heart by denying him and Gunner. If the animal half of him dies, the human half willna last long either.”
Gunner’s hand clasped Star’s. “Ye willna talk to her in that tone of voice. I doona want her upset. She’s nae from Scotland. Her family is in the States and Star wants to rejoin them. She’s got a lot of important appointments she has ta attend, so she canna stay.”
He glanced around the table at the men. “Who kens how soon the main roads will be open ta Wick? How far are we from those roads? She needs to catch a plane to Edinburgh or Glasgow where she can get a larger connecting flight.”
“I can drive her there in a day or two once we get our narrow road cleared to the bigger ones. Depending on their condition, it’ll take us two ta three hours. I’m sorry ye dinna want to stay on with us. Isla found ye verra likable and was eager ta have a new friend.” Alastair cast questioning eyes on her and then Gunner. “Will ye attend the full moon’s sniffing ceremony tomorrow?”
“Me Bear and I will come to observe. I dinna ken if we’ll participate. It would be more respectful to Star to wait until after she’s gone.”
Damn straight. Star leaned her shoulder against Gunner’s for a minute and then realized he was scowling at her. She was giving off mixed signals again.
Three women ran outside.
Ora returned to Gunner and wrapped her thin arms around his broad shoulders as best she could. “Hold hands, one and all. Be respectful of the spirits as I recite a poem in the quiet room:
Coven, aid this auld Protector witch,
Come from faraway Geasan Ditch;
Trained to offer healing and care.
I beg you, help heal this shifter bear.
“Ye can break connection now.” She rested her ear against Gunner’s chest. “His bear willna last until the next full moon. He needs ta focus on a new mate for ye now. Someone he can come to care for like he has this one.” The old seer jerked her head in Star’s direction.
The door burst open and three young women flounced in, their eyes wide and lips freshly coated with lipstick. The tallest one had red curly hair and freckled skin. Another had short brown curls and boobs like cantaloupes. A chubby girl with buck teeth and a blonde braid wrapped around her head shoved her way through to get an eyeful of Gunner.
Isla motioned for Star to come into the kitchen. “We’ll observe from here. They’re all trying to make an impression. To wind him up for the sniffing ceremony.”
One by one, the maidens circled Gunner, brushed against his body, and sat on his lap. He was one uncomfortable looking male. And Star watched it all through a green haze of jealousy.
What is wrong with me? Why do I care? How many times have I told him to move on without me?
While Gunner talked to the men about his idea of placing large telescopes on top of their ridge, she was asked to move into the kitchen with the wives to fix food. To better understand Gunner’s ideas, the men all scooted chairs closer while he drew out his plan on a sheet of paper Isla had given him.
Meanwhile, the three young hussies hung all over Gunner while Star fought the urge to yank them away from him by the hair.
Ora’s hand found hers. “Let’s go to a private place ta talk. I’m sensing great confusion here. Isla, may we sit in yer extra bedroom ta speak?”
“Of course.” Isla kissed the old woman’s cheek.
The room was almost bare. Ora sat on the rocker and Star plopped onto a stool. “This room will soon be a nursery thanks to Gunner’s arrival. He killed the unspoken one. Isla was raped by him, ye see. Och, Alastair fought that heartless beast like a madman. Lost an eye during their battle.
Since then, Isla’s been feart to conceive because the unspoken one might kill the bairn out of pure spite and his sick, evil nature. At last she is relaxed. Many wombs are ripe now for conceiving. We need Gunner and ye, fer ye are his heart.”
“It’s so soon. We’ve only just met.”
“Magic happens soon, my child. In the blink of an eye. The beat of a heart. The flutter of a Hummingbird’s wing. Scotland has long been a country of enchantment. I suspect Gunner will come tomorrow night in hopes of appeasing his bear. How will ye feel as he sniffs the sex of other women? He’s a man. He will.”
So many emotions ran through Star. Envy. Disappointment. Rage. Jealousy.
“Honesty is expected.” Ora’s commanding voice reverberated off the walls of the room.
Star stood and paced. “I won’t like it one bit, I can tell you that. You have no idea the bizarre ups and downs my emotions have put me through since I met that man. He’d fall over laughing if h
e heard me say this, but I love being with him. Talking, snuggling, loving. Yet I can’t fathom the thought of turning my life upside down for a man so soon after meeting him. My twin, my job, my friends are in Georgia. Could I walk away from them? Plus I have a health issue that preys on my mind more and more. It wouldn’t be fair to tether his life with the possible effects of it. I mean, it would be one thing if we were already married, but we aren’t. So, I push him away and when he gets too close, I pull him toward me.
Ora stared at her with blind eyes of wisdom, a wry twist to her lips.
“Just hang a sign around my neck that says ‘Crazy.’” Star pushed her hair away from her face with both hands. “You asked for honesty. Tomorrow night while he’s at the ceremony, I’ll pace and cry and scream in fear and frustration that Bear will find him another mate. All of which makes me a hypocrite, doesn’t it?”
“Nae. It makes ye a woman who worries too much about others. A female possessive of her man. What ye need to do is think of him doing the things he did to ye to another woman. Shouting her name the way he shouted yers when he climaxed. Can ye handle thinking about that the rest of yer life?”
Every cell within Star burned with resentment. Damn, she wasn’t Gunner’s first, but she did want to be his last.
“Or will ye sneak into the area surrounding the ceremony to see if he smells ye above all the others? By damn, I would. And another question, if I may. Why do ye insist on going back to your hometown for another mammogram and sonogram of that lump when there’s a perfectly fine hospital in Wick?”
“How do you know about the mass? I’ve only told Gunner.”
Ora smiled, her milky eyes turning a deep purple. “I am part of the coven of witches called The Protectors. Our duty is to give aid and to heal to those weaker than us. Ye can be tested and helped at Catherine’s General Hospital. Once ye sign these permission forms, that ′tis.” Ora extended a few printed papers and a pen she hadn’t had in her grasp minutes before.
20 Shades of Shifters: A Paranormal Romance Collection Page 194