HOT as F*CK

by Scott Hildreth

  Correction.

  Our home.

  “Relax.” Smokey waved his arm toward the couch. “Nut and I will get those boxes taken to the bedroom.”

  “I can get them, they’re mine. And, they’re not heavy.”

  “Gotta respect a bitch that’ll carry her own boxes,” P-Nut said.

  Bitch?

  “She ain’t picking up shit, she’s pregnant. “Smokey glared at him. “An, you need to watch it, Nut.”

  “Watch what? The compliments?”

  “Calling her a bitch.”

  Thank you.

  P-Nut shrugged one shoulder. “Didn’t call her a bitch.”

  “You said, gotta respect a bitch that’ll carry her own boxes.”

  “Yep, sure did.”

  “And, I’m saying you need to watch it.”

  “Big difference between saying what I said and calling someone a bitch.”

  Eager to hear his explanation, my head swiveled back and forth between P-Nut and Smokey.

  Smokey put his hands on his hips and sighed. “You just called her a bitch.”

  “Listen carefully,” P-Nut said. “Gotta respect a bitch that’ll carry her own boxes. That, my friend, is giving a bitch much needed respect. Hey, bitch, get away from my bike. That, my friend, is calling a bitch a bitch.”

  Smokey narrowed his eyes and stared back at him. “I don’t see the difference.”

  Eddie glanced at me, grinned, and rolled her eyes.

  I smiled back at her, then flopped down on the loveseat and waited for the conclusion of the argument.

  P-Nut shook his head and then turned toward the kitchen. “You’re simple-minded, that’s why you ain’t seein’ it, Smoke. The difference is there.”

  “Where you going?” I asked.

  He glanced over his shoulder. “Getting’ a beer.”

  Smokey cleared his throat. “I’m not done with this.”

  “Nothing more to talk about,” P-Nut said. “No harm no foul.”

  While P-Nut got a beer from the fridge, Smokey turned toward me. “Do you like being called a bitch?”

  I shrugged. “I don’t…it…I…” I widened my eyes and grinned falsely. “It’s…I’m okay. It wasn’t a big deal.”

  His lips thinned and he glanced down at the floor. After exhaling through his nose, he looked up. “Do. You. Like. Being. Called. A. Bitch?”

  Oh, wow.

  I shook my head. “No.”

  Smokey turned toward the kitchen and tilted his head back. “You offended her, Nut.”

  “Sorry, Sandy.”

  “Bullshit,” Smokey said. “Come in here and say it. Doesn’t count if you’re not looking at her. Apology from the kitchen while you’re sipping a beer doesn’t count.”

  “Who the fuck makes up these rules?” P-Nut complained.

  “No cussing in the house, P-Nut,” Eddie hissed.

  I felt like I’d joined the circus. As the sound of someone chugging beer came closer and closer, I glanced over my shoulder.

  “Didn’t mean to offend you,” P-Nut said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. “But I wasn’t calling you a bitch in the bitch context, I was calling you a bitch in the affectionate context. Like when people say, that’s my bitch. Or, you’re my bitch. In the right context, anything can be said.”

  “That’s okay, it makes sense now that you’ve explained it.”

  He tilted his bottle of beer toward Smokey. “I knew you’d understand. He’s hard-headed, and he gets mad really easy about dumb shi--” He paused and looked at Eddie. “Dumb stuff.”

  “I’m standing right here, Nut. I can hear you.”

  “It was all true, Smoke. You’re a hot-head. I’d say it to your face. Hell, I just did.”

  Smokey waved his hand toward P-Nut and then sat down in the chair in the corner of the room. He looked at Eddie.

  Dressed in cut-off jean shorts, Chucks, and a burnout tee, she looked adorable.

  “When’s Dick get here?” Smokey asked.

  Eddie glared at him and let out an exhaustive sigh. “Richard.”

  He kicked his feet onto the ottoman. “When?”

  She shoved her hands in the pockets of her shorts. “7:00-ish.”

  “Tonight’s the night?” P-Nut asked.

  Smokey nodded. “First potential date.”

  “Oh, wow.” I looked at Eddie. “Tonight?”

  She grinned and nodded. “He’s got to come talk to dad first.”

  “That

  “That’s exciting,” I said.

  She wrinkled her nose. “Not really.”

  “Want some help with your makeup or anything?”

  She smiled. “Sure.”

  “I wouldn’t go too far,” Smokey said. “They might not be going anywhere.”

  “Dad!”

  “If he’s a shit-head, he’s not taking you out of this house.”

  “He’s not.”

  “According to you.”

  “He’s on the honor roll.”

  “Nerds can be shit-heads,” Smokey said with a laugh.

  “You’re impossible,” Eddie huffed.

  “I’m a realist.”

  “Can I stay,” P-Nut asked. “Just to watch.”

  “Sure,” Smokey said.

  “No,” Eddie blurted at the same time.

  P-Nut shrugged and flopped down on the couch. “Sorry, Ed.”

  “You guys better be nice to him.”

  “I’m always nice,” P-Nut said. “Your dad’s the hot-head.”

  “Depends on which context you’re talking about,” Smokey said, his tone thick with sarcasm.

  I glanced at the clock.

  5:30.

  I looked at Eddie and then stood. “Want to start getting ready?”

  “What about these boxes?” P-Nut asked jokingly.

  I looked at Smokey, winked, and then turned toward P-Nut. “Gotta respect a bitch like me who’ll make a prick like you carry her boxes to the bedroom.”

  He sat up and blinked a few times. “Did you just call me a prick?”

  I nodded. “Not a prick, prick. But a prick in the not so much a prick sense. I meant prick in an affectionate way. You know, anything can be said if it’s done in the right context.”

  “One point for Sandy, zero for the Nut,” Smokey said.

  As I walked toward Eddie, she turned toward her room.

  “He keeps track of everything,” she whispered as I stepped to her side. “And he forgets nothing.”

  “I’ll remember that,” I said.

  “We’re going to have to be conservative on the makeup,” she said as we walked into her bedroom. “Or dad will flip out.”

  “I know a few tricks.”

  “I wish I knew a trick to make him let me go out with Richard. I’m afraid he’s going to be a jerk.”

  “Maybe he’ll surprise you.”

  “I doubt it,” she said.

  I on the other hand, reserved hope.

  Because so far, Smokey had surprised the shit out of me.

  Chapter One Hundred Forty-One

  Smokey

  When the doorbell rang, I felt sick. It wasn’t the kind of sick that a pill or medicine could fix, either. It was fear of the inevitable. Probably the same feeling those sentenced to hang got as they were led to the gallows.

  “You want me to get that?”

  I swallowed heavily and nodded.

  P-Nut pulled the door open.

  “Mr. Wallace?”

  “Nope. Not Mr. anything.” P-Nut stepped to the side. “Get your ass in here and have a seat, son.”

  Sandy was sitting on the loveseat reading a book, and Eddie was cowering in her bedroom, ashamed of what might happen.

  Richard walked in, paused at the edge of the loveseat, and nodded slightly. “Mr. Wallace?”

  By my guess, he was six foot tall. His slight build made him seem taller, but when standing beside P-Nut, their height wasn’t measurable different. His hair was dark, and kind of all ov
er the place, but a neat mess.

  Dressed in khakis, loafers, and a plaid button-down short-sleeved shirt, he looked like a dork.

  I stood and extended my hand. “Nice to meet you, Richard. Have a seat.”

  He sat at the end of the loveseat, turned toward me, and smiled. “I’d like to ask your permission, Sir. I’d like to take your daughter on a date.”

  P-Nut posted himself up behind the loveseat with his arms crossed, and his eyes fixed on the back of Richard’s head.

  “How long have you been driving, Richard?” I asked.

  He crossed his legs. “Almost two years.”

  “How long, legally? By yourself?”

  His shoulders slumped slightly. “Two months.”

  “You’re barely eighteen years old?”

  “I turned eighteen two months ago. Yes, Sir.”

  “Do you live with your parents?”

  “Yes, Sir. I sure do.”

  “Both of them?”

  He grinned and nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

  “What does your mother do for a living?”

  “She doesn’t work. She looks after my youngest brother, mostly. He’s four.”

  “And, your father?”

  He looked embarrassed. “He’s the finance manager for BMW in La Jolla.”

  “Do you drive a BMW?”

  His eyes fell to the floor. “No, it’s a Mini Cooper.”

  “Made by BMW, aren’t they?”

  He shrugged. “I’m not sure.”

  “If I let you take her on a date, what are your plans?”

  “Short term?”

  “For the night, Richard.” I said, my tone a little harsher than I wanted it to be. “What will you do from the time you leave here, until the time you return?”

  “We were going to try and see a movie, if possible.”

  “That’s a bad idea, Richard.”

  Sandy, who had spent the entire time listening, but acting like she wasn’t, lowered her book and began to outwardly pay attention.

  Richard did little to hide his disappointment. “Why uhhm. Why is it a bad idea?”

  “The movie isn’t a good place to get to know someone. Might be good for a third date, but not the first. Hell, you sit for two hours and stare at the screen, and then when it’s over, you don’t know one single thing about what she likes, doesn’t like, or what her taste in music is. If it were me, I’d take her for a cup of coffee, get to know her, and then take her out to the pier to watch the sunset.”

  He nodded. “Sounds like fun.”

  Sandy grinned, tilted her book toward her face, and appeared to begin reading again.

  I locked eyes with my daughter’s potential date. “Let me explain something to you, Richard.”

  He sat up straight and held my gaze. “Yes, Sir?”

  “I’ve raised that girl since the day she was born. She’s a good girl, and by the grace of God, she’s never been hurt. No broken limbs, no fractures, no operations, nothing. She’s never been hurt by a boy for that matter, either. Until now, her only concern has been her schoolwork. I’m protective of her, Richard.”

  I leaned forward and rested my forearms on my thighs. “Very protective. If I let you take her out, you and I must reach an agreement first.”

  He swallowed hard. “Okay.”

  “Whatever you do to her, with her, or for her, I want you to stop and think about it before you do it. Ask yourself this: If Mr. Wallace found out exactly what I did, would he be a happy man, or would he be an angry man. If the answer is angry, I want you to reconsider doing it. If the answer is happy, proceed, but with caution. Is that understood?”

  He sighed. “Yes, Sir.”

  “Don’t make me angry, Richard. No one here wants that, especially you.”

  “I won’t, Sir.”

  “You’re aware she’s taken 12 years of Taekwondo, aren’t you?”

  “I’m aware. Yes, Sir.”

  “You don’t want to make her mad either,” I said.

  “I won’t disappoint either of you.”

  I stood and extended my hand.

  He stood, grinned, and shook my hand. “Thank you, Sir.”

  “That’s it?” P-Nut asked.

  I turned up my palms. “That’s it.”

  “Bullshit,” P-Nut said.

  Before I could object, he came around the corner of the loveseat and shot Richard a laser sharp glare. “Sit down!”

  Richard fell into the seat as if he’d been shot.

  P-Nut folded his arms across his chest, lowered his chin, and looked down his nose at the kid. “I’m her fucking uncle,” he said through his teeth. “Wanna guess what they call me?”

  Richard’s Adam’s apple rose, and then fell. An inaudible what puffed from his lips.

  “P-Nut. The ‘P’ is for Percy, and the ‘Nut’ is because I’m fucking nuts. You so much as touch that girl inappropriately, and I hear about it? If you even kiss her on the porch, you’re fucked, son. You don’t want to piss me off, cause if you do…” He tilted his head toward me. “He’ll be the least of your worries. Catch my drift?”

  Richard nodded. “Yes, Sir.”

  “Sir? Did I say my name was ‘Sir’?”

  “No, P-Nut.”

  “One kiss on the porch, or if one fucking hair on her head is out of place--”

  Eddie’s bedroom door opened.

  “P-Nut!” she shouted.

  P-Nut spun around. An oh shit look covered his face.

  “Stop it,” she barked.

  P-Nut looked at her, and then shot Richard a glare. “I meant what I said,” he whispered.

  Eddie looked at P-Nut and then at me. “What are you two doing? I could hear the cussing in my room.”

  I shrugged. “I asked him a few questions. P-Nut wanted to say something before you guys left, and things got a little out of hand.”

  Her eyes went wide. “We get to go? Tonight?”

  “Do you have any questions for him, Sandy?”

  She tilted her head to the side. “Have fun.”

  “But not too much,” P-Nut said.

  “Hold up. Before you go…” I reached for my wallet, opened it, and pulled out a $100 bill. “This one’s on me.”

  He shook his head. “Mr. Wallace, I can’t--”

  “You can. Just this once.”

  “Thank you, but I can’t. I wouldn’t be much of a man if I did.”

  “Just take it.”

  “No, Sir. I will not. I’m sorry if you find it offensive, but I find it equally offensive to take it.”

  Impressive.

  “What time will you have her home?”

  “Midnight?” he squeaked.

  Eddie looked at me with hopeful eyes.

  “12:30, and if it’s a minute later, you’ll not take her out again until she’s 18.”

  “Thank you, Sir.”

  Sandy grinned.

  P-Nut glared.

  I let out a sigh. “Have a good time.”

  On her way to the door, Eddie glanced over her shoulder and mouthed the words thank you.

  I waved and tried to hide my fear with a smile, but doubted I was a complete success. When the door closed behind them, I walked to where Sandy was sitting and collapsed onto the loveseat beside her.

  She set her book to the side, rested her head on my shoulder, and forced her hand between my legs.

  With my thigh cupped gently in her hand, she snuggled up against me. “She’ll be just fine.”

  “I sure hope so.”

  “She will,” she said.

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “We talked for an hour when I helped her with her makeup.”

  I sat up and looked at her. “About what?”

  She snuggled against me again. “Girl stuff. She’ll be fine.”

  I closed my eyes and allowed Sandy to melt into me while Patrick Sweany’s Your Man played.

  After a few songs, Sandy’s weight became heavy. Then, her breathing became soft and predictabl
e. I opened my eyes, glanced at her, and smiled. Across the room, on the edge of the couch, P-Nut sat, snoring like a broken buzz saw.

  We were all exhausted from the move, Sandy more so than anyone, and rightfully so.

  Filled with concern, I allowed the music to fill me. Oddly, my worries weren’t limited to Eddie being on her first date.

  I was equally worried about the development of my relationship with Sandy, and of our new baby’s health.

  Only time would tell if my concerns were without merit, and the one of the best ways I knew to pass time was to sleep.

  So, with Sandy and one of my babies in my arms, I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

  Chapter One Hundred Forty-Two

  Sandy

  The first date was the most amazing day in my life, according to Eddie. Richard brought her home at 11:45, and when she got there, she stayed up until 1:00 telling Smokey and me about what a great time she had. Richard sounded like a very well-mannered young man, and hearing firsthand how polite and courteous he was did nothing but give peace of mind to both of us.

  She was now on date number two with him, and P-Nut sat this one out, which left Smokey and me at home alone. It was our first unaccompanied night together since I moved in, and I was slightly anxious about how it might go.

  He sat in his chair, and I sat on the spot I’d claimed on the loveseat, and we were trying to decide what to do with our idle time.

  “Pee Bee and Tegan play Scrabble all the time,” he said.

  “Scrabble?”

  “They say it’s relaxing, and it sounds like it’s pretty funny sometimes.

  “I’d play Scrabble.”

  “I don’t have it. I’ll add it to the grocery list.”

  It was odd having Smokey do the grocery shopping, but it was something he did, and seemed to enjoy. I hoped, in time, that we could go together.

  A song I didn’t recognize was playing softly in the background. After trying for a moment to listen to the lyrics, I looked at him and grinned a slight smile. “I like listening to the music.”

  “Can’t live without it.”

  “Why is that?”

  “It’s relaxing. Music is like soap and water for the soul. I get home from a long day of riding, and I take a shower. If my hands get dirty out in the yard, I wash ‘em. What do we do to clean our insides, though? Nothing. I listen to music. Every song takes me somewhere different.” He glanced around the living room and nodded. “I like it.”