HOT as F*CK

by Scott Hildreth

  Now, I stood in sheer disbelief as I either stared at his twin, or was simply losing my mind.

  It can’t be…

  “Staff Sergeant Jacob!” I yelled.

  The man immediately straightened his posture and turned to face me. For a long moment, he stood and stared. As he slowly walked away from the man in the hoodie, his mouth began to curl into a smile.

  “Sergeant Todelli? The fucking Toad? Holy shit, Brother, I thought you were dead,” he exclaimed as he approached.

  “Fuck, I got medevaced out, treated, handed a Purple Star, and went right fucking back. But I watched you get killed,” I said as I stretched my arms outward.

  “Holy shit, I thought you died from that wound. I was out damned near six months with mine, but far from dead. Longest six months of my fucking life. Had to beg those bastards to send me back; when I got to battalion they said you were dead,” he said.

  “Far from it,” I said.

  “The medevac chopper flew out, and I laid in the fucking street returning fire until a Corpsman drug me behind that building. Cocksucking sniper shot me twice, but your chopper hadn’t made it out yet. Hell, I had to stay and make sure my Marines got out of there safely,” he said as he wrapped his arms around me and slapped me on the back.

  “Ready for anything, counting on nothing,” I said, reciting the motto of the 2/7 Marines.

  “Isn’t that the truth. Damn, it’s good to see you,” he said as he leaned back and studied me from head to toe.

  “Good to be seen,” I said. “And fuck it’s good to know you’re alive.”

  My heart felt like it was going to beat out of my chest. Full of emotion, adrenaline, and memories of the battle, I looked down at my hands. Shaking almost uncontrollably, I was filled with the excitement of being reunited with a Marine who I was certain was dead. Not only was he a 2/7 Marine and a true brother, he was someone I perceived as a modern day hero; a man who risked his life in an effort to save the lives of many others who were in much better condition to fight than he was, including myself. On many occasions and many nights, I recalled the battle in Haditha and his heroism. I also attributed my having lived through that particular day of combat to his act of selflessness. I lived my post-war life filled with the deepest feelings of regret; knowing I could never repay him for saving my life. Standing before him now, I began to wonder how much of my PTSD, and more particularly, what portion of my Survivor’s Guilt could be attributed to my belief that he gave his life in exchange for mine on that memorable day.

  As I gazed upward, I noticed all of the men gathered in a circle around the few bikes which remained parked. The man in the shorts and the man in the hoodie stood by Otis. Axton stared in the mirror of his bike as he pressed his index finger against his ear. As Axton glanced in my direction, he grinned.

  “I’m guessing you two fuckers don’t need an introduction?” he growled.

  “Not at all,” I said with a laugh. “So what the fuck are you doing here?”

  “Trying to start a new chapter for our club. Just trying to make sure we don’t step on any toes,” he responded.

  “One percent club?” I asked.

  “I’m not a one percenter, no. We don’t claim territory, and we don’t have any hustle. We just ride and have a deep brotherhood. It’s a nationwide group of firefighters, military, and friends of. We can talk about it at the bar. Damn it’s good to see you. Let me introduce you to the soon to be Vice President and Sergeant at Arms. Two of the best motherfuckers to ever grace this earth.” He hesitated and held out his right arm.

  As the big bald headed man in the tennis shoes approached, Staff Sergeant Jacob patted him on the shoulder.

  “Big bastard here is Mike Ripton, but just call him Ripp. Ripp, this is Toad, a Marine brother of mine. Toad, this is the one and only Ripp,” he said.

  I looked at the man dressed in cargo shorts and a wife beater. As I held out my hand, I chuckled. “Nice to meet you. Do you ride in those fucking tennis shoes?”

  “It’s a pleasure to meet ya, but these ain’t tennis shoes, Brother. They’re fuckin’ Chuck’s,” he said as he lifted his leg, grabbed his foot, and held it at chest height. “And fuck, yes, I ride in ‘em. Hell, I even keep ‘em on when I fuck.”

  God damn, that big son-of-a-bitch is limber.

  “Ripp’s going to be the SAA. And this fella here…” He paused and pointed toward the man in the hoodie.

  Holy fucking shit.

  “You’re Shane fucking Dekkar,” I shouted.

  He rolled his shoulders, extended his hand, and smiled. “Sure am. Pleasure to meet you, Sir. And call me Dekk.”

  “You’ve got to be fucking shittin’ me. You’ve got the Heavyweight Champion of the fucking World as your Vice President?” I chuckled. “Otis, did you see this?”

  “Sure as fuck did. Already met the man while you were zoned out,” Otis said.

  “Pleasure to meet you Mr. Dekkar, call me Toad. And that fight a while back, against Brock? Best fucking fight I’ve ever seen. We all watched it in our clubhouse. Son-of-a-bitch that was a good fight,” I said excitedly as I shook his hand.

  “Thank you, Sir, I appreciate it. He was a tough opponent,” he said with a smile.

  Humble prick.

  As we all stood between the motorcycles and the building, I stepped away from the men and turned to face Staff Sergeant Jacob. Otis, Biscuit, Ripp, Shane Dekkar, and Staff Sergeant Jacob stood to my right behind our bikes. The bikes they were riding were several feet away, closer to the door. Axton stood to my immediate right, beside his bike and in front of the rest of the men, still fucking with his ear. With all of the men facing me except Axton, I proudly raised my hands.

  “Fellas, I want you to meet Staff Sergeant Jacob. Known by his Marine brethren as The A-Train, because when he’s coming, not a fucking thing can stop him,” I shouted as I raised my hands in the air and pointed toward Staff Sergeant Jacob.

  “Well, if all you fuckers are done swapping spit and hugging each other, maybe we should head out to the bar,” Axton growled as he continued to study his ear in the mirror.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed the Ford Taurus from across the street slowly rolling into the narrow parking lot through the entrance on my far right.

  “Axton, my two o’clock,” I said.

  Axton lifted his blood soaked finger from his ear and stared at it. The car was slowly approaching behind him. As the Taurus began to speed toward our position, Staff Sergeant Jacob instinctively turned to face the car.

  “Axton, behind you,” I said through my teeth as the car began to approach more rapidly.

  Everyone turned around except Axton, who continued to fuck with his ear. Standing to my right, Staff Sergeant Jacob narrowed his gaze as he studied the driver. As he made eye contact, he bent his knees slightly and raised his hands as if preparing to fight. I didn’t like what I was seeing. I glanced toward the car. The driver slowly raised a pistol into sight.

  “Remember me, motherfucker?” the driver asked as he raised the weapon and pointed it in the direction of Axton and A-Train.

  As the muzzle of the pistol tilted slightly, I realized he was going to fire the weapon. I instinctively jumped between the car window and where Axton and A-Train stood.

  The deafening sound of the weapon being fired filled the air, immediately followed by a crushing pain in my chest. A burning feeling slowly washed over my entire upper body. Incapable of standing, and certain I was knocking on death’s door, I collapsed into Staff Sergeant Jacob’s arms.

  As the noise of screaming and screeching tires became faint and indistinct, I heard the dull sound of a motorcycle start and speed away. Slowly, everything around me started to fade into a faint, fuzzy black and white. I began to feel as if I was being forced down through a tunnel of water, and to survive I needed to swim to a surface far from my reach. Paralyzed from moving a single limb, I continued to sink deeper and deeper. I realized all I could do was attempt to speak.

&nb
sp; I’m coming to see you, Nonno. I’ll be there real soon.

  “God damn it, Sergeant, hold on. Open those eyes for me, Todelli. Talk to me…” a muffled voice said. “Get a fucking ambulance; we don’t have a way to get him out of here!”

  I opened my eyes and stared blankly at Staff Sergeant Jacob. Regardless of my desire to do so, I couldn’t seem to force myself to talk. Eventually, as my eyes fell closed, the words began to roll from my dry tongue.

  The blood vibrated in my lungs as I attempted to speak. “We’re…you and me…we’re…”

  “Hold on Sergeant Todelli. Medevac’s en route. You hear that chopper, brother? It’s almost here,” the voice said.

  As much as I realized I was dying, I felt I needed to say it. It was crucial to my recovery from a life I had lived for almost a decade; running from the fact I survived while others had lost their lives. I dug deep within my being and fought against the pain in my chest.

  The blood filling my lungs gurgled as I struggled to force the words from my lips.

  Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. I pray that you may give me the strength to speak one last time.

  Cradled in his arms, I stared upward and attempted to focus on Staff Sergeant Jacob’s eyes. Although I knew what I wanted to say, forcing the words from my lungs required more strength than I was capable of gathering. Channeling every bit of energy I could muster, and pushing against the pressure building in my lungs, I heard myself begin to produce audible sounds.

  “We’re…even,” I eventually muttered.

  And slowly everything turned to black.

  Chapter Sixty-One

  SYDNEY

  Living is a combination of choice and chance. The path our life travels upon is by our own choosing. Similar to playing poker, life is a complex game which requires decisions on our part; the choice. The chance comes after we make the decision, as we wait for life to deal us a card from the deck; each one potentially having a varying effect on the outcome or end result. We make a choice and reserve hope the chance we have taken is the one which might make all of the difference we had hoped for. Sometimes, the change we see from the card we were dealt is not what we expected, but something we are forced to accept.

  “Unexpected visitors are like gifts,” I said as I opened the door.

  Upon taking a good look at her, it was obvious; Avery was very upset and had apparently been crying. Her eyeliner was smeared all over her face, and her hands appeared to be shaking. Someone I would have expected to be stable at all times, I wondered what had happened to make her feel the way she felt. She stepped into the room and immediately placed her hands on my shoulders. After inhaling a choppy breath, she began to cry as she attempted to exhale.

  I slid my arm behind her back and began walking toward the table. After lowering her into a chair, I sat down beside her and reached for a napkin.

  “What happened?” I asked.

  She continued to sob.

  “You want something to drink?” I asked as I handed her the napkin.

  As she dabbed the tears from her eyes, she slowly began to regain her composure. Her breathing improved from every breath faltering to steady shallow breathing. Knowing women tend to overreact to almost everything, I eagerly waited for her to reach a point where she could explain what had happened. I suspected more than likely Axton had done something in Austin she didn’t totally agree with.

  “Whenever you’re ready, I’m here to listen,” I whispered as I reached for her hand.

  She nodded her head and took a shallow breath.

  “I’m just going to say it really fast. I’m afraid if I try to explain, I’ll lose it,” she said.

  Avery spoke faster than I could possibly listen, so to have her say it really fast would be pretty much normal for her. A few seconds after she said whatever it was she had to say, I’d process it and respond appropriately.

  I nodded my head as I clutched her hand in mine. “Okay. Just say it.”

  “Toad was shot he’s barely alive with collapsed lungs and they’re operating on him now it’s really bad and he saved Axton’s life by jumping in front of the bullet…I think I need to throw up,” she blurted.

  Toad was shot and he was dying. I fought against the bile rising in my throat. I reached for the napkins, picked one up, and held it in front of my face. One of the kindest men I ever met had made a choice, and taken a chance. For whatever reason, the card he was dealt wasn’t what he had hoped for. My mind fought for answers. I quickly came to the realization maybe it was what he had hoped for. Knowing his knack for performing selfless acts and his willingness to help others, the choice he made and the chance he took probably produced an outcome he was prepared for and totally expected.

  “How far is Austin?” I asked.

  “Ten hours,” she blubbered.

  Strangely, I hadn’t cried. Maybe the severity of everything hadn’t sunk in yet. Quite possibly, I was in a mild state of shock, and unaware of the depth of my inner feelings. Either way, I was oddly comfortable and relatively stable. I began to wonder if Toad meant as much to me as I tried to tell myself he did.

  I stood from the chair and walked toward the kitchen. “I’m going to call in to work and see if I can take a few days off. I’m going to go down there and see him.”

  “Can we…”

  “Can we go…together?” she stood from her chair and wiped eyeliner across her face with the napkin.

  I nodded my head as I dialed Sarah’s number.

  “You’ll have to drive, I’m a wreck,” she said as she tossed the wet napkin on the table.

  “Let me see if I can get off work,” I said.

  “I already took off work, my stuff’s in the car. We can take it, but you’ll have to drive,” she said.

  As Sarah answered the phone I nodded my head. “Sarah, this is Sydney. I’ve got an emergency out of town, and I need to take off for a few days. Can you and Kate pick up my shifts?”

  “I’ll be fine. No, maybe three or four, I’ll keep you posted,” I said.

  “Thank you. You too,” I said as I hung up.

  “It’s all set. Let me grab a few things. We’ll need to stop at two places before we go,” I said over my shoulder.

  As I walked to the bathroom, a rush of emotion washed over me. After I gathered my makeup and essentials from the shower, I braced myself against the sink. A quick glance in the mirror revealed the reflection of a scared little girl, fearful for the loss of yet another loved one. Holding the edge of the sink for stability, I stared blankly into the mirror and tried to accept what Avery had said.

  Toad had been shot and he was dying.

  My lips began to quiver. My hands started shaking. Eventually my legs finally gave way, and I collapsed onto the floor.

  I grasped my knees in my hands and pulled my thighs against my chest. Without thinking, I began to hum an unknown tune as I pulled against my knees with my hands. As I rocked back and forth on the floor, the humming eventually turned to tears. Slowly, the crying became more intense. In no time, I was a blubbering mess.

  As I felt an arm wrap around my shoulder, I tilted my head to the side. Avery sat down beside me, released my shoulder, and clasped her hands around her knees. My entire life, I grieved alone. I never had anyone to comfort me, assist me, or help me understand why I felt the way I felt. Now, as I began to feel helpless, incapable, and as if I was cheated out of the best man to ever enter my life, someone was right beside me through it all. As we both rocked back and forth on the bathroom floor, humming and crying; I glanced at Avery and realized two things.

  For the first time in my adult life, I was not alone.

  And girls can be the best of friends.

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  SYDNEY

  We tend to find comfort while embracing whatever it is we place faith in. The presence of faith provides reassurance, and with it comes comfort. As true faith isn’t something we simply obtain by want or wish, those of us who possess very little faith must first fin
d a place of comfort and hope that faith soon follows.

  “Before you go, Miss Sydney.” Junior paused and wiped his eyes.

  “You ever felt pain this deep? Before now?” he asked.

  I considered what he had asked. I knew my answer ought to be a simple one, but I was quite shocked by what I felt my response should be, considering how I felt. As if he knew how much pain I was in, he stood and waited for me to respond.

  “It seems weird saying it, but I don’t think so. I really don’t. At least not that I can remember,” I responded.

  “Me neither. And, it’s because Mr. Toad has touched our lives with a hand more kind than we ever expected anyone to. He’s a very special man, Miss Sydney, he sure nuff is. My momma says this.” He wiped his eyes with the tips of his fingers and inhaled a deep breath.

  Junior rubbed his hands on the thighs of his pants and gazed upward. As if he was reading from a banner in the sky, he recited his mother’s words of wisdom. “God uses our deepest pain as the first stepping stone to our greatest reward.”

  “Holy cow, that’s good. I like that,” I said.

  “I likes it too. Now you go on and tell Mr. Toad when he wakes up that I’d come on down there and see him, but I gots to stay here and make him proud,” he said with a smile.

  “I’ll be sure and tell him,” I said.

  “Give me a hug, then you and Miss Avery better get to getting’,” he said as he stretched his arms outward.