HOT as F*CK

by Scott Hildreth

  “Bullshit,” Hollywood chimed in as he took a drink of beer.

  Biscuit turned toward Hollywood, cocked an eyebrow, and rubbed his beard with his right hand. “Might be a lot of things, ‘Wood, but a liar ain’t one of ‘em. You don’t wanna hear this tale, grab you a rib to go and hop on that sled and point her west.”

  “Go ahead,” Hollywood said with a heavy sigh.

  “So I looked at Ol’ Red Wing and winked. Then I turned toward the gal with the titties and pulled out my meat right there at the table. Now, this all happened in about ten seconds, so I didn’t even have a chance to work me up a chubby, but I yanked the Hankster out and he was about half limp, but just half. So I get it out, and I shake it at her a little bit. And she covers her mouth like this,” he paused and raised his hand to his mouth.

  “Gal’s eyes get wide as a couple dinner plates, and she says, ‘It ain’t even hard, is it?’ Hell, I drop my cock in my lap and shake my head. ‘Do you think I walk around with a stiff cock all day, Lady?’ I ask her. ‘It makes me dizzy if I do’,” he said as he slapped his hand against the table.

  “So what’d she do?” Otis asked.

  “Well, if you’d stop fuckin’ interruptin’ I’d sure as fuck tell ya. Anyone else want to ask any stupid questions before I continue?” Biscuit asked as he surveyed the group of men.

  Axton shook his head from side to side and twisted his index finger in a circle. On his signal, Biscuit continued.

  “So she glances over each shoulder, stares down in my lap, and shakes her head. Now she don’t know it cause she’s checking to make sure there ain’t gonna be a crowd gatherin’ around the table and not payin’ attention, but I been stroking this fucker for about thirty seconds at this point. So anyway, she looks down in my lap and she does this…”

  He paused, covered his mouth with his hand, and inhaled a sharp shrill breath.

  “She stares at it for a minute, and without lookin’ up, she says, ‘Holy shit. Does it get bigger?’ I stop strokin’ it, look over my shoulder, and turn toward her. ‘Only if it’s in a gal’s twat. But she’s got to have really big titties.’ I tell her. And she looks at me like she won the lottery. Now I ain’t shittin’, fellas, not one bit. She looks at me, drops her hand away from her mouth, and this crazy bitch says, ‘Oh my god, I’ve got huge titties.’ Red Wing spit out about half his beer, and I just widened my eyes and said, ‘Hell, I didn’t even notice.’ It wasn’t ten minutes, and I was balls deep in that gal’s twat in her SUV in the parking lot. Motherfucker had three of them kid seats in the back, which was kinda weird for a minute,” he said.

  “You’re a fucking whore,” Otis said with a laugh.

  “And damned proud of it,” Biscuit said. “But that’ll be the last she’s gonna see of me.”

  “Why’s that?” Toad asked.

  “Are you fucking kiddin’ me? I ain’t lookin’ to raise another man’s kids,” Biscuit said.

  I found it strangely satisfying that all of the men at the table were single, and for the most part, short of Biscuit, none of them were actively pursuing women. Biscuit’s pursuit was more of a hobby or sport than a desire driven by any means of attraction, and excluding him, the men shared the same feelings regarding women.

  I sat quietly, thinking of Sienna as the food showed up. As everyone reached for a plate, my mind began to wander to the what ifs and the why nots of being in a relationship with her. All things considered, I was more of an individual, and never conformed to the patterns or opinions of the masses, these five men included. If I was going to be in a relationship with her, it was going to be for all the right reasons, and although I believed sex was always an important part of a relationship, it wasn’t the sole reason to be in one.

  As I ate a rib and paid very little attention to the next story Biscuit began to tell, I decided the next time I saw Sienna, we were going to have a talk.

  A serious talk.

  Chapter Two Hundred Six

  SIENNA

  November 9th, 2014

  With perfect hair, perfect nails, perfect makeup, a great pair of jeans, a bad ass pair of 2” heels, and a sweet as fuck wool coat, I raced through traffic as I alternated glances between the road and my rearview mirror.

  My eyebrows looked reasonable, as always.

  As The Eurythmics “Winter Wonderland” blared out of the speakers, I weaved in and out of traffic with my typical five minutes to spare and four minutes of driving left. While stuck at a traffic light, I once again checked my eyebrows in the mirror.

  I looked like I had turned a three year old loose on my face with a molten brown crayon. I seemed to never get my eyebrows to reach the point of perfection. The light flashed green just as Bryan Adam’s “Run Rudolph Run” began to play.

  Now that’s more like it.

  I mashed the gas, lurched through the intersection, and quickly changed lanes in front of the old man in the pickup truck who had been beside me for the entire trip. After another lead-footed display of the Continental’s awesome power I was far enough ahead of him not to raise his temper, so I hit the brakes and turned right into the Bradley Fair shopping center. A quick scan of the parking lot and I found the perfect spot - on the end and in the front.

  No door dings for Sienna.

  I pulled in the spot, hugging the far side for safety’s sake. I shut off the engine, opened the glove box, and flipped the switch to the stereo. Vince’s bike was parked up front by the door on the sidewalk.

  A quick glance in the mirror further confirmed I was nothing short of a spastic eyebrow plucking idiot, so I opened the door and began my shameful walk to what I was certain to be the impending death of our six month old friendship.

  Death by bad eyebrows.

  I pushed the door open and glanced toward the seating area.

  Sitting immediately beside the door on a long leather bench, Vince tapped the face of his watch with his index finger.

  “Sorry, I was early,” he said. “This thing’s hit and miss. I thought I had it fixed, but it quit again. I didn’t want to be late, and I wasn’t sure what time it was, so…”

  “Well, by my clock in the Lincoln, I was one minute early,” I bragged.

  “Pretty typical,” he said. “I have no idea how you do it with consistency.”

  “I wait down the block until there’s one minute left, then I haul ass to where we’re meeting,” I said.

  He nodded his head. “Wouldn’t surprise me.”

  His beard was full, typical of what most men with beards do for winter time, I supposed. He had on a black canvas jacket over a long-sleeved khaki shirt, and a black stocking cap pulled down low on his head. The jeans he was wearing were perfectly worn, from wearing them, not because he bought them that way. I admired him as he stood, wondering how he got each and every hole in them, and just what it was that happened to cut the hole above his right knee.

  He interested me so much it made me sick.

  “I’m following you,” he said as he pointed into the restaurant.

  I walked through the restaurant toward the blazing fireplace. It wasn’t quite winter yet, but it was much cooler than what we had been used to, and was just a few degrees shy of fifty.

  Vince had picked a time that was well after lunch, but a few hours before dinner. Because it wasn’t necessarily the holiday season just yet, the restaurant, short of us and one other couple, was empty. Being almost alone with Vince was enough of a change to fool me into thinking we were on a romantic date, and I was pretty sure after I got my book reviews done for the night, I would pleasure myself daydreaming about it.

  “I like it here by the fireplace,” I said as I flopped into the seat.

  “Your hair looks nice,” he said as he sat down.

  “Oh, thank you,” I said.

  “So do your heels,” he said. “I like heels with jeans.”

  “I just grabbed what was at the end of the closet, thanks,” I said.

  Actually, I had spent almost an hour trying on
shoes and trying to pick the perfect pair. Some made me look ridiculous, some for whatever reason seemed to no longer fit, and a few of the others killed my feet. This particular pair of 2” black heels felt great, looked great, and didn’t break the bank when I bought them.

  Shoe sales are the best thing ever.

  “I like your jeans,” I said with a grin. “They’re awesome.”

  “My jeans?” he asked in a slightly sarcastic tone. “Why’s that?”

  “Because they’re worn out, but I know you wore them out. You didn’t buy them like that. I like worn out jeans,” I said.

  “I’ve had these fuckers for years,” he said. “And you’re right. I wore these fuckers out for sure.”

  “Well, I like them,” I said.

  “Thanks,” he responded as he waved to the waitress.

  “I’m sorry, you order at the register,” she said as she walked up to the table.

  I shrugged my shoulders. “Never eaten here.”

  “Me neither, one of the fellas recommended it,” he said as he pushed his seat away from the table.

  We walked side by side to the register, where a six foot tall wooden menu was on display. Quite surprised I didn’t see it or stumble into it on my way inside the restaurant, I chuckled and pointed toward it.

  “Probably missed it because it’s so small,” I said with a laugh.

  The menu was a good foot taller than I was. Vince laughed and nodded his head as he studied the descriptions painted on the wooden display.

  “I’m going to have the pizza and salad deal,” I said after looking over the menu.

  “Which pizza?” he asked as he continued to stare at the options.

  “The one with artichokes and roasted garlic, sounds good. And I don’t have to worry about kissing anyone, so no worries,” I said.

  A man walked in, stepped behind us, and peered over Vince’s shoulder toward the menu. After a glancing over his shoulder a few times, Vince sighed and turned around.

  “Something I can help you with, Brother?” Vince asked the man.

  “Just looking,” the man said cheerily as he repositioned himself to see over Vince’s shoulder. He stood a mere twelve inches from Vince.

  “Why don’t you give my girl and me some space for a minute,” Vince said calmly as he took a step toward the menu.

  My girl?

  “Ain’t got to be a dick about it,” the man responded under his breath.

  Oh shit.

  Vince turned around completely, and swept me to his side with his hand as he did so. I watched as he spread his feet shoulder width apart and raised his right hand to half way between his waist and his chest. The dip-shit staring in our direction didn’t seem to notice, but it was apparent Vince was preparing to stomp this guy’s ass.

  “Now the last thing I want to do is drag you out in the parking lot and kick the living shit out of you for being disrespectful. If I was alone, I can give you my solemn word you and I wouldn’t be talking right now, I’d just be beating your ass. So, I’m going to need you to apologize to my girl for being a rude prick and breathing on her shoulder, and I’ll let the dick comment slide,” Vince said.

  Vince’s right hand quivered as he tightened his jaw and prepared for what was going to be his next move. As I stood and waited for the guy to either tell him to fuck off or apologize, I wished I was a guy and could tell people off from time to time, because sometimes they sure as fuck needed it.

  The man stared down at his feet for a moment, glanced toward me, and cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for crowding you.”

  I smiled and nodded my head. “Apology accepted.”

  Vince lowered his hand, turned toward the menu, and inhaled a short breath.

  “I’m having the calzone,” he said calmly.

  “Yum,” I said as I turned toward the register.

  As we placed our order Vince pulled out his wallet and thumbed through the money inside.

  “Twenty-two forty,” the man said after ringing up the total.

  “Here’s fifty,” Vince said as he handed the man a fifty dollar bill. “That’ll cover whatever the guy behind me is getting.”

  “Him?” the cashier asked as he tilted his head toward the guy who was still studying the menu.

  “You got it,” Vince said with a nod.

  “And the change?” the cashier asked.

  “Keep it,” Vince said with a nod as he reached for his glass of tea.

  As I reached for my tea, I turned toward Vince and grinned slightly. He was looking away and he didn’t notice my admiring stare, but I didn’t do it for that reason. He was different than any other man I had ever met, and I liked it.

  I liked it a lot.

  I dreaded the day he found a woman who actually interested him. The thought of ever losing him, especially to another woman, scared me to death. In his presence, nothing else mattered. There was no real concern with time, where we were, or what we were doing. I was as satisfied as I had ever been, and I wanted nothing else but for our time together to stand still. It never did, and always eventually ended, but one thing I could always count on was that he would return the next Sunday for lunch, to sit, talk, and enjoy time with me.

  And for that, I respected him.

  But, because of who he was and what he stood for, I was slowly falling in love with him.

  “So, they bring it to us?” he asked as he sat down.

  I shrugged my shoulders as I removed my coat. “I guess?”

  “Tea’s good,” he said as he raised his glass.

  I took a drink of the tea and nodded my head. It had a slight hint of peach, but it wasn’t overbearing. “That is good.”

  “So, what happened since we last met?” I asked.

  “Other than my watch crapping out?” he asked.

  I shrugged my shoulders and grinned. “I dunno, anything. I just like hearing about what you’ve done. I mean, the stuff you can tell me.”

  “Well, we went on the toy run, donated a bunch of toys. All of us rode except Tater, and he drove a truck full of shit. Fucking Axton went insane this year buying and trading for toys. Crazy fucker traded a shipment of guns for toys last July, and kept ‘em in the shop for the last six months waiting for this deal to happen. He loves Christmas about as much as I do,” he said.

  “Best holiday of the year,” I said. “Saddest, but the best.”

  “What’s sad about Christmas?” he asked.

  “My dad’s gone. He isn’t here to keep me company. It’s not really fun unless you can share it with someone,” I said. “But I still like it.”

  “And you said your mother’s gone too, right?” he asked.

  I nodded my head as I reached for my tea. My mother had a condition called placenta previa when she was pregnant. The placenta was positioned in such a manner that it covered the opening in her cervix making giving birth an impossible task without serious complications.

  The main problem was that my father couldn’t afford insurance at the time, and they were initially going to have me at home, naturally. When she went into labor, her placenta ruptured, and by the time the ambulance got there, she was barely alive. The paramedics did an emergency cesarean section, and delivered me alive, but my mother hemorrhaged, dying immediately after my birth.

  My father raised me, alone. He never got married, nor did he so much as ever have another woman in the house.

  I always admired him for his devotion to my mother, and I spent a lifetime wishing other men were more like him.

  As I stared blankly at Vince, I realized he was like my father. Probably more than I cared to admit. I smiled again, wondering how much of the similarities I had noticed, and how many I didn’t bother to notice, but let influence my feelings for him.

  I shifted my eyes to my glass of tea and stared. “She died when I was little.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said as he reached for my hand.

  He hadn’t done anything like that before, and I found it comforting and odd at the s
ame time. As much as I wanted to perceive it as a comforting gesture of sympathy, my mind saw it otherwise.

  For a fleeting moment, at least in my mind, Vince was attracted to me in a sexual manner.

  “Listen,” he said as he tapped his fingers against my palm.

  I glanced up and forced a smile. “Yeah.”

  “I uhhm. I picked this place for a reason,” he said.

  “Oh yeah?” I asked. “Why’s that?”

  He pulled off his stocking cap and tossed it in the empty chair. After making a half-assed attempt to straighten his hair and a few strokes of his hand along his beard, he inhaled a short breath and shifted his eyes upward. After what seemed like an eternal pause, he exhaled and locked his eyes on mine.

  “Well, I have a question,” he said.

  “Okay, let’s hear it,” I said cheerily.

  “I uhhm. I was wondering if maybe you’d want to…like trying…you know. Adding…fuck. I don’t know how to say it,” he said as he shook his head.

  He released my hand and cleared his throat.

  “Sienna, do you want to try and be together? You know, try and see if we can be…like be a couple?” he asked.

  Oh dear fucking God, thank you. I swear to fucking God almighty, I will not fuck this deal up, I fucking swear, I won’t. Holy fucking fuck do I ever? Thank you, Lord.

  “Yes,” I said.

  “You sure?” he asked as he reached for my hand.

  My eyes began to feel swollen and my throat got tight. I knew enough to know not to speak. I bit into my bottom lip and nodded my head.

  He stood from his seat and lifted my hand as he did so. On some pretty shaky legs I followed his lead and stood up.

  Everything following that moment seemed to happen in slow motion. He leaned over the table and lifted my chin ever so slightly with his free hand. As I felt his fingers touch my face, my entire body began to tingle. With his hand now lightly gripping my jaw, I opened my mouth slightly in hope of what was to come. While he maintained eye contact with me, he continued to lean forward until our lips met.

  The moment I had been waiting for finally arrived. My prayers had been answered. I closed my eyes…