by Kit Tunstall
We were lying in our bed, and I shook my head, but looked up at him. “I’ve mostly forgiven them for what they’ve done, but I can’t get past their actions to be more than friendly with them.”
He rolled his eyes. “Bullshit, babe. You love them and want them just as much as you ever did. It’s obvious whenever you’re near them. You’re letting hurt feelings keep you from admitting that to yourself. I don’t agree with what they did, and neither do they. They know they were fucking dumbasses.
“I was a fucking dumbass too, and it cost me my best friend. Remember? Jorge couldn’t understand how I let Selena manipulate me, and he couldn’t forgive it. I’m not saying he was wrong, but it hurt to lose him. It hurt a lot more to lose my best friend than it ever did to lose her. I’m just asking you to consider the idea they’ve learned something from the experience, and they’d never do that to you again.”
I clutched his shirt, trying to resist feeling a spark of hope. “Do you really believe that? Do you think they’d never do anything like this again?”
His gaze locked with mine, and his expression was confident. “I’m certain. If Kassandra strolled back onto base, they’d both shoot her without hesitation, I’m sure. I’m also positive they’d never fall for anyone else’s manipulations, and they’d never turn on you again. They love you as much as I do, babe.”
My lips trembled, and I fought the urge to cry. “I just don’t want to be weak. Forgiving them, letting it all go, and returning to how we were… That’s some weak-ass shit there, the kind of crap pre-apocalypse Alyssa would have done. I’m better than that now. Stronger.”
His arm around me softened the sting of his words. “It takes more strength to love someone than it does avoid love, Lyss. When you first joined our group, I wanted you, but I couldn’t share you with anyone else. I wasn’t strong enough to see how you could love me and love them, and it wouldn’t diminish any of our connections. I see it now, and I understand how you can give all of yourself to each of us.
“I can imagine how much they’re hurting. The idea of losing you just about killed me. When we were searching for you, I was frantic, and I probably made stupid and careless mistakes. I had to find you again. I had to know you were safe and back in my arms. I saw the same desperation in Shane and Jamar. For them, it was even worse, because it was their fault you were out there.”
I squirmed. “That’s not entirely true. I have my own share of responsibility for going off like an emo teen, just blindly following Wesley into whatever plans he had for me without using a bit of common sense. I should have stayed and fought, made them realize I was innocent, or at least waited until we found you, instead of just running away.”
He nodded. “That’s fair. We all reacted badly.”
I shook my head. “You didn’t have anything to do with what happened that day, hon.”
He shrugged. “Maybe that’s not true either. If I’d been more insistent with Shane and Jamar, trying to make them see the truth rather than arrive at it in their own time, maybe it would have helped them get there faster. The only thing I ever said was you weren’t jealous of her. You just saw her as dangerous. I should have told them about Selena and how similar Kassandra was to her.”
I smiled at him. “I don’t know if it would have helped, since they had their heads so far up her ass.” Despite my light tone, my thoughts were heavy.
Was he right? Was it weaker to avoid the possibility of being hurt again than to try loving them? Was I protecting myself and being strong by refusing to face how I still felt for Shane and Jamar, or was I hiding my heart because of fear, not wanting to risk it again? With a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, I reluctantly accepted Han was right. I’d been unable to face the idea of them hurting me again. They seemed sincere, and I was certain they were both genuinely sorry for having bought into Kassandra’s act, but could I trust them?
That was the scary part—extending trust again. I didn’t want to be hurt, and I didn’t want to feel the awful sting of betrayal ever again. Could I accept the inherent risks in loving them if I welcomed them back to my bed?
I could lose any of them tomorrow. Would it hurt any less if we weren’t still lovers? I didn’t know. With a small sigh, I shook my head. “I need to think about it.”
“Of course. I’d never try to force you to do something you don’t want to, but I hope you’ll consider the possibility there might still a chance to make it work with them.”
“And you?” I held my breath as I waited for his answer, wondering if he was understanding exactly what I was asking. If I was willing to be strong enough to try again, was he willing to be brave enough to join us, so it truly was the four of us in a relationship, rather than me feeling at times like my relationship with Han was separate from the one I had with Shane and Jamar?
There wasn’t much of a relationship left with them at the moment, but if I opened myself to being vulnerable and allowed it to start again, I was certain I couldn’t handle any more separating the three of them. I needed them all. “I think this is an all-or-nothing situation, Han.”
He hesitated, but nodded. “I’m in. Once you make up your mind, if that’s what you want, it’ll be the four of us.”
I didn’t just throw myself back into bed with them, or instantly get back into the relationships. It was a slow process, because I had to feel a measure of trust before I could move forward, even if it was feeble to refuse to try. I couldn’t be strong all the time, and when it came to protecting my heart, I was far more likely to be weak than when facing an external enemy.
As the weeks passed, neither Shane nor Jamar rushed me. They treated me gently and with respect, making it obvious they still cared, but not trying to push me into anything. Finally, I reached the point where I realized I was simply holding back because of fear. I was certain I could trust them to never hurt me in the same way again, so I should move forward.
We were bound to hurt each other upon occasion, because that happened in all relationships, but I was certain they had learned from their mistake. I had learned too. Trust would no longer come as easily as it had, but they had regained it. I still loved them, and they still loved me, so the only impediment to reconciliation was my fear of being hurt.
Fear could be a healthy thing, keeping you from running into a dangerous situation, but it could also hold you back and keep you from acting at all. I knew I was at that point now, and it pissed me off at myself. I didn’t want to succumb to fear. I’d worked too hard to be stronger than that.
I was waiting for them in the bunkroom that evening before bed. They had moved out of our shared room and back to the bunkroom after I’d told them our relationship was over. The bedroom had remained unused since then, but I was hopeful it might be our shared space again after tonight.
Han entered the bunkroom shortly after they did, and he winked at me. I knew this was a big step for him too, but I couldn’t have taken it without him. I needed to know we were all in it together.
Shane and Jamar seemed startled to see me, and they hadn’t realized he was behind them yet. Jamar was the first to speak. “Do you need something, Lyss?”
I nodded, unable to speak. I let my body do the talking, too nervous to form spit to moisten my dry mouth and let words pass. Instead, I just shrugged out of the spaghetti-strap nightgown I’d been wearing, allowing it to pool at my feet.
I was wearing nothing underneath, and the blaze of hunger in their eyes was immediately gratifying. It had been a long time since the three of us had made love. I’d missed them and craved their touch, and I imagined it was the same for them. I was certain it had to be if they loved me as much as I loved them.
“What does this mean?” asked Shane hesitantly.
“It means I’m taking a chance, and I’d rather be with you than miserable without you. I’m trusting you won’t hurt me again, at least not in that way and not deliberately, and I’m trying to show I feel the same way I always have. I love you both.”
“We can touch you?” asked Jamar. His hands were already sliding down his pajama pants, revealing he wore nothing underneath.
I nodded, waiting for them to come to me. It wasn’t a display of dominance. I simply couldn’t move because my knees were trembling too much. I was ridiculously nervous, considering I’d been with every man in the room before, though never all three together at once.
Shane and Jamar stripped their clothes in record time, both standing on either side of me. Their mouths moved across my shoulders, nibbling and sucking. I lifted my hands to their heads. Jamar’s was a smooth as ever, but Shane’s scrubby short trim had grown into a thicker style, so I could curl my fingers into it.
I sent Han a challenging look, and his lips thinned, but he started removing his clothing. Unlike them, he hadn’t already dressed for bed, so it took him a minute longer. They were startled when he was suddenly in front of us, and I giggled. “Way to stay frosty,” I teased.
Jamar seemed unapologetic for his lapse of observation. “I was too busy focusing on you to realize Han was here too.”
Shane said something, but I couldn’t quite make it out because his mouth was too busy moving over my breast, teasing my nipple into a state of perpetual hardness.
“So how does this work?” asked Han.
I shrugged a shoulder, the one on Shane’s side, since Jamar was still nibbling and sucking on my neck and shoulder on the other side. “I’m not sure about the logistics of it.”
His eyes gleamed. “But surely you’ve thought about it? Imagined it? Longed for it?” As he spoke, he trailed his hand up my body, starting with my abdomen and tracing his fingers along my side until he could cup my breast. Han tugged gently on my nipple in a rhythm that was opposite to Shane’s sucking of the other. The sensations made my stomach flutter, and heat filled my abdomen, spreading lower.
My face flushed, and I was embarrassed to share my fantasies, though we had been lovers for a long time before our recent separation.
“Tell us what you want,” said Jamar, brushing his lips against my earlobe before biting gently. I trembled as vibrations shot down my spine. It felt so good to have them touching me.
“I’ve given it some thought,” I admitted in a shaky voice. “I’d like all three of you at once, and there’s only one way to make that happen.” That was as specific as I could get with my tongue tied and a blush heating my cheeks.
Jamar cupped my chin and turned my face toward his, his lips molding to mine in a tender kiss. It started out gentle, but soon escalated as our hunger rose. Shane and Han continued playing with my breasts, and I gasped softly when a set of fingers surged inside my pussy. I recognized they were Han’s and rode his hand while the three of them focused on making me feel good.
I felt a little selfish to be the focus of everything, but I couldn’t seem to tear myself away long enough to return equal attention. I was trapped in the eye of the storm, incapable of moving as they ravaged my altruistic intentions, sweeping them away under the onslaught of passion.
It didn’t take long for Han to elicit an orgasm from me, and my cry of pleasure seemed to snap the last of their control. There wasn’t enough room on a bunk, so we all sank to the floor.
Shane was lying on his back, so I climbed on top of him, driven by fierce need that blocked out logic or any hint of hesitation. I had no hesitancy. I knew what I wanted, and finally, I was getting all three of them. It wasn’t just a matter of want, but also of need. I needed them on a fundamental level, and I was certain everything was falling into place.
Shane guided me by cupping my hips and aligning my opening with his shaft. He pulled me down carefully, and I moaned as he filled me. Even blindfolded, I would have been able to identify each of my lovers’ cocks. They were all different. Their erections felt unique, and they all had slightly different techniques. There was no way for them to disappear into the dark or blend into each other. When I was with them, even all of them, they each had all of me.
Han moved away from us for a moment, and I was keenly aware of his absence even as Shane began to lift me, sliding me fully up his erection before bringing me down again, snug against him. Jamar stepped forward, pressing the head of his cock against my lips, and my tongue darted out to taste him. He was already salty and sweet from his need, and I opened my mouth to take as much as I could. He and Shane were moving in tandem, both thrusting into my body in time with each other as though they’d planned it. It was like time had fallen away, and we’d never lost the intervening weeks. We fell into the familiar rhythms easily enough.
Han returned, and it reminded me we were introducing a new element. I moaned when his slippery fingers pressed into my backside, gently easing any resistance with the lubricant he’d applied beforehand. I heard the bottle squeeze again, followed by the sound of flesh against flesh, and assumed he was lubricating his cock. I’d had Shane and Jamar inside me a few times at the same time, but I’d never had three men take me at once. I held my breath for a moment as he eased inside, adjusting to his girth and thankful for the lube that eased his way.
When they were all inside me, they froze for a moment, and I wasn’t certain if they shared a signal, or if we were all just reacting to the newness of the situation. Whatever it was, I savored the feel of them inside me, feeling our bond strengthen as they started to move, all working in concert.
Their moves were choreographed as though they’d practice them, which I knew they hadn’t. Like me, they must be relying on instinct to guide them, and they had instinctively synced, working together as a team to bring us all pleasure.
I didn’t expect it to be any other way, and it was no surprise at all when I started to come, and they joined me. We all orgasmed at roughly the same time, which was the only way lovemaking like this could end. It was intense, and there was more to it than just getting off or indulging in a kinky menage.
I was satisfied; physically gratified in a way I never been before, but also emotionally fulfilled. All the parts clicked into place, creating a complete picture. We were stronger together. I didn’t know what else the future held for us, but we would face it together, as a team. That was how it should be.
This concludes the serial.
Bonus Excerpt
RELUCTANT COMPANION (DYSTOPIAN FUTURISTIC ROMANCE)
When electricity is a scarce commodity, power is everything…
A century ago, a catastrophic event disabled most electronic devices and killed hundreds of millions in the ensuing chaos. After The End, governments eventually reformed, but countries split into smaller factions. The United States is long gone, replaced by ten distinct territories. Commander Tiernan Archer rules the Northwest Federation, where Madison Cole has lived all her life. Her beauty enchants him, and he requests her as a one-night companion. Madison has an amazing night with the commander, but is dismayed when he wants her to be his personal companion and return with him to Seattle-Archer. Her family needs her, but he gives her little choice about becoming his reluctant companion.
At first, it seems impossible that she could ever be happy with the man who forced her to give up her life, but feelings grow between them. Their relationship reaches a fragile new level that could deepen to something neither expected, if betrayal and treason don’t separate the lovers.
Chapter One
Madison paused in the process of wrapping baling wire around the fence post, suddenly sure she could feel someone’s gaze on her. She looked up from her task, seeing no one in front of her in the rows of grapes. The hiss of a steam engine made her jump, and she spun to find the source. It was out-of-place, since there were only a few steam cars in the entire province, and none of her neighbors owned one.
The sunhat she used to shield her face also blocked her view, so she swept it off with one hand, using the other to shove the sweaty locks of gold-red that cascaded downward up and out of her face. Cupping her hand over her eyes, she had enough shade to make out the insignia on the door of the car. Arching a brow, she wondered wh
at the governor of their province was doing out this far from the center of the village. Tom Blaney had no reason to leave Graceport to visit the wineries in the outlying areas. It wasn’t tax time, and he didn’t seem to care much about the people living under his governance unless they could do something for him.
With a shrug, she returned to the job of repairing the goats’ fence. They provided milk that was crucial for survival, but if they got loose in the grapes, it would be disaster for everyone in the Cole household. The disquieting sensation of being watched persisted until the car finally started up and drove on down the hill a few minutes later. Releasing a breath she hadn’t known she’d been holding, Madison put down the wire cutters and moved on to reinforcing the next weak section of the wood, thinking no more about the incident until much later in the day.
*****
It was late afternoon by the time she returned to the main house, a modest ranch-style built at least one hundred years before. Her great-grandparents had struck it rich in something called stocks—which she didn’t think referred to cows or other livestock—and had bought the winery as their weekend getaway. After The End, it had become their permanent retreat and had allowed them and their descendents a chance to survive and start over in the new world.
What had once been a charming, quaint building kept in pristine condition had now fallen into age-related disrepair. Materials weren’t easy to acquire. Had they been, it was still a losing battle. The house was built at the end of the first decade of the twenty-first century and hadn’t been designed to withstand a century of hard living. For some reason, she noticed the house’s flaws today, wincing at the sagging porch and stairs, the peeling paint, and the missing shingles on the roof.